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How Simon Bolivar Got His Continent Back

Discussion in 'Civ4 - Stories & Tales' started by constantinople, Jul 27, 2014.

  1. constantinople

    constantinople not Istanbul

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    Chapterrrr (rolled r) Uno

    So, you don't know much about the Empire of Gran Colombia, do you? Wow! How embarrassing! You should be, like, ashamed of yourself! I don't know how you lasted this long... Well, I guess I'll have to lecture you. Pop a squat, kid, this is going to take awhile.

    It all started 5,234,235,143,134 years and two hours in the future on a planet called Erf. Now unlike us, these creatures possessed only four tentacle appendages and loved to slaughter each other. And I mean they loved it. There were these guys called the Spaniards who probably murdered 1000 humans and two centipedes everyday. They would kill in the morning, they would kill in the evening, they would kill in between. They would kill if you looked at them funny, if you had a funny name, if you spat on their guinea pigs... And these turban-wearing guys must've spat on a lot of guinea pigs, cuz the Spaniards kicked them out by the year 151037 galorgaplax (in their calendar, 1492 AD).

    Now that they were out of ethnicities to cleanse, they turned their focus to the unexplored seas of the west. Hernan Courtez and his conkweestadors, the Spanish term for cannon fodder, were some of these fools who dared venture into the unknown. They met a new tribe, known as the Jazztechs, renowned for their disgusting culture and horrible taste in the music. Because of this, they were ruthlessly exterminated by the following Thursday. When word reached Spain via message in a bottle, this guy called Pizzaro was all like, "Hey! How come I didn't get to kill people!" And his dad was like, "Then get your own damn crew!" So he did.

    Pizzaro gathered an army of conkweestadors and reached the New World (the Spanish were out of good names for continents) by sunfall. 95% of the land was useless jungle, so he sailed around and discovered the west coast (West side!!!) was populated by Inca Incorporated. Pizzaro could not allow this, and brutally massacred the Incas, as opposed to the tranquil massacres Spaniards are known for. But Cortez, being the suck-up he is, named his conquered territory "New Spain." Pizzaro wasn't very good at names, so he called his land "Purooo," the noise he made when he sneezed.

    He claimed more land for Spain and discovered one of life's great secrets: mountains have silver! Spain's economy was through the roof and into the clouds. As time progressed, the Spanish colonized more of "Peru," which became known as "South America," the land south of North America, the land Cortez owned. But the Spanish in South America came to think: "Hey! We're not living in Spain! We're trillions of miles away from Iberia! Why should we serve the king?! Let's start a rebellion!" The Spanish were not really hard workers, so they procrastinated for the next few decades. But then, in the north, British (Oh, did I not mention these guys yet? I'll talk more about them later) colonists rebelled for the government's ludicrous tax rates of any number above zero! This gave the Spanish the courage to rebel, so they did. And it worked!

    The question was, who would lead the country? The only logical choices were Generic Spaniard Number One, Generic Spaniard Number Two, or Simon Bolivar, who descended from God, Allah, Poseidon, and the Boston Strangler! He was the perfect candidate! Bolivar won in a landslide victory, but that was only because the government forgot to tell the Spaniards they now had to the right to vote, and only Bolivar showed up.

    Bolivar's first act was to name the nation "Colombia," in honor of Christopher G. C. Columbus, a ninja werewolf who had nothing to do with the nation's history! Bolivar's next act was to vow to conquer South America back under Colombia. Actually, Colombia never lost the territory to begin with, but reconquest would make his agenda look so much more humble.

    This is How Simon Bolivar Got His Continent Back



    Reference Page:

    Spoiler :
     
  2. CaterpillarKing

    CaterpillarKing Conqueror of Cacoons

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    This won't end well for Brazil :sad: but subbed :D
     
  3. TheNoob

    TheNoob Dank Memes

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    Oh this is going to be great :lol:. Subbed
     
  4. DKVM

    DKVM Joker

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    subbed.

    Can you please add spaces between you paragraphs in future updates? It makes it hard to read the way the story is now.
     
  5. constantinople

    constantinople not Istanbul

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    Fixed
     
  6. jackelgull

    jackelgull An aberration of nature

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    Subbed. Yay I get to see a Constantinople story in the making.

    And what does subbed mean?
     
  7. Matthias I

    Matthias I The Just

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    Subbed
     
  8. CaterpillarKing

    CaterpillarKing Conqueror of Cacoons

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    subbed means subscribed.
     
  9. trexeric

    trexeric (or backwards 'cirexert')

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    Really? I thought it had something to do with either Subway, subways, submarines, or Greek yogurt.
     
  10. baseballpie

    baseballpie Chieftain

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    :lol: That was hilarious!
     
  11. The_lol

    The_lol Chieftain

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    Subbed.
     
  12. Manuss

    Manuss Sleeping man

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    I can finally follow a Constantinople story from the start.
     
  13. GreekAnalyzer

    GreekAnalyzer Back from the Dead

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    You all are all newbies. I've watched consty stories from start to finish (Ports of Portugal)
     
  14. TheNoob

    TheNoob Dank Memes

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    You know Greek, I've taken that to heart. I even made myself a nickname in thanks to you!
     
  15. baseballpie

    baseballpie Chieftain

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    Are you kidding? I followed The Reign in Spain.
     
  16. VGL

    VGL Chieftain

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    Subbed
     
  17. Dumanios

    Dumanios MLG

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    So, which start is this? 3000BC, 600AD, or 1700AD?
     
  18. trexeric

    trexeric (or backwards 'cirexert')

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    Good times, weren't they?

    But my favorite is still the Kind of Serene Republic of Venice.
     
  19. baseballpie

    baseballpie Chieftain

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    Oh yes, that was his best.
     
  20. Matthias I

    Matthias I The Just

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    True, and almost all Consty stories end in the same way

    Spoiler :
     

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