I don't know love! Can anyone help me with this?

Cheetah

Cheetah

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Part 1: The general problem:

I don't know love! I have no idea what love is.

I know feeling happy for others. I know loyalty. I know honour. I know friendship and infatuation and desire. I know empathy.

But I don't know love. What is it? Is it in any way similar to any of the above? How can I tell if I love a girl, as compared to only desiring her and wanting her to be happy? Would loving a girl make me want to be with only her?



Part 2: My very specific problem:

I had a girlfriend. She was perfect. She is perfect. She loved me. But I broke up with her because I didn't feel ready for being in a committed, monogamous relationship. Our breakup was quite sober, though it took an entire day of talking. We departed as- As people who still cared about each other I suppose.

I have no idea if I loved her, or if I still love her.

We've exchanged one or two messages on facebook, but she hasn't replied to my last message for a few weeks now. I guess there is a possibility that she doesn't want to talk with me. Could it be that she dislikes me or hate me now? Guess I might deserve that.

To try and make a long story shorter: Her birthday is on Thursday. While we were together, she really did her best to make my birthday really great. I feel indebted to her. Is there anything I could - or should - or shouldn't - do? Or would it be best if I just don't do anything?



Though I know there isn't much information about the specific problem, any educated guesses, based on own experiences or general cases, would be appreciated. If I could get some female takes on it too, that would be even better.

And please don't give me that crap about "asking relationship advice on a gaming forum". There are lots of people here in different walks of life who have different life experiences and different points of view. I would very much like to know what people think.
 
Ask her if she has any plans for her birthday and make a polite, friendly, offer to take her out for her birthday, since she treated you so well on yours (make sure you mention that).

If you do go with her, you'll be able to tell if she still has the feelings for you.

Its rough man, I know this situation. I'm actually kind of in it now, but biding my time on dates with other women.
 
I'm in a similar, smaller boat. I don't know love! I have no idea what love is.

I know feeling happy for others. I know loyalty. I know honour. I know friendship and infatuation desire. I know empathy.

But, @ OP, if you want her to be happy I would think that's a good sign.



:culture: I want to know what love is - - - I want you to show me! :culture:
 
Once you're in love, you'll know it. You can't force it and it can't be explained to you. You should get her something for her birthday, by the way.. but maybe do stay out of her way until she's ready to talk to you.

How old are you btw?
 
As a man in a loving relationship I can offer this. Love can not be described and many have tried with song, prose and stories and now movies.

Two contradictory phrases stand out for me.
1) You don't know Love until you have lost (or nearly lost) it
2) You will know Love when you know you have it

Sometimes you need to experience the first before you can experience the second.

btw: I am married to my high-school sweetheart who I have known for over 30 years now.
 
I thinking that if you broke a relationship like that one, you either secretly do not love this woman (whether you are aware of this is another issue), or you have another problem that you need to address first, in which case solving this problem is a requirement before you move on to the love problem.

If this sounds vague, it's because it's something only you can do for yourself.
 
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
 
Losing her and not being too badly affected is a sign of a lack of love. Just because someone is "perfect" doesn't mean you love them, just because someone else loves you doesn't mean you love them back. Love's not that simple, kind or rational.
 
DroopyTofu said:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
Click to expand...

Droopy won the thread!:goodjob:
 
Love is when your prepared to go though irrational amount of trouble for no objective reason.
 
DroopyTofu said:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
Click to expand...

And there is the answer. /thread over.
 
Obligatory:

What is love?

Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...
 
I've always liked that saying 'love is friendship set on fire.' Ultimately, I don't there's any set rules for the definition, it's a personal thing. Although, I'd wager that if you're feeling bad (bad doesn't mean you think it was a mistake; just... down) about having broken up, it was probably love at least to some extent. Don't idealize love - it's not perfect.

As for the birthday thing, I'd say take a low-key approach to it. Wish her happy birthday, let her know that there's no hard feelings, but don't go overboard. I don't know your situation, but it seems a bad time to make some grand gesture to win her back or reciprocate the effort. You're not in a relationship anymore, it's not your responsibility.

Mind you, I'm a really low-key kind of guy. So take what I have to say with a grain of salt.
 
When I picked my 2-year old daughter up from "school" (Montessori daycare) today I told her I was going to take a walk when I went home (I wanted to do something with her before I went out for the evening but didn't feel like taking her to the pet store or grocery) but she said she didn't feel like taking a walk. I told her the cats would come too & she said something along the lines of "that will make you happy that the cats will come too?". It was cute, she was concerned about my experience even though she had already decided she wasn't interested in being part of that particular experience.

It was cute. I think that's a big part of what love is.

Anyway, Cheetah, try to stay her friend & stay friendly. If she can't handle your friendship cause you weren't ready to commit to her than you just have to accept her immaturity. It will feel sad but that's the way it is sometimes.
 
Love is non existence. It's foolish to think it exist.
 
DroopyTofu said:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
Click to expand...
Nice, but that is not love. Those are some ways in which we show love. Love is a personal glimpse of the unity of all things that is often experienced through another person. It is the experience that allows one to joyfully sacrifice for another. Love seeks nothing, but the happiness of the beloved. :love:
 
Cheetah, I think if you found her "perfect" you wouldn't have broken up. I think you are calling her perfect to convince yourself more than anything.
 
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