A Concise Biography Of
THE MULATTO MAKER
-or-
6,000 Years of Epic Douchery
written by
Starting Warrior
So we magically came into existence in 4000 BC, at the Time of the Great Awakening. Our close "friends" the Starting Settler were chosen by our tribe's then-chief to sit down next to this cozy riverside- and do a whole lot of nothing. They are
still harvesting that same wheat, year after year. And they get all the nice toys, too. The first thing our
leader
did was help them figure out better ways to grow their wheat. The second thing he did was kidnap all their children for three centuries (okay, I guess that probably sucked for them) and then send them out to plow the field. Through the millenia, those same stupid wheat-growers get everything. Are they the ones martyred so our
Dear Leader
can build himself a giant tomb (he never even
died, wtf) and change his government? No, someone else took the fall for that one. Were they the ones drafted when the Aztecs invaded (due to some stunningly ignorant military policies, I might add)? No. They get to go home every night and make babies after relaxing at the theater for a few hours. And get drunk on the wine that
we found. And eat that tasty seafood that
we discovered. And listen to those new-fangled "hit records" we keep hearing about, the ones they bought from the French? Yeah, who was it that discovered France? And who stumbled across that fantastic gold mine that
paid for those records? Three guesses: Us, us, and freakin'
us.
But enough complaining about how easy those scumbags in the capital have it. Nobody ever paid any attention to us, and all the things we've contributed to this empire. Right from the beginning, when
you all got to go swimming in the river after a nice day in the sun (poking at the dirt with a stick- ooh,
there's some hard work for ya), our
Benevolent Leader
sent us out into the nothing. Literally the nothing. It was like going the wrong way in The Never-Ending Story. The whole world was black. He sent us out
there- into bears and wolves and Montezuma and Vedic Aryans. After five early near-death encounters with wild animals- in which we peed in our loincloths more than once- did we get to stop and rest? Heck no. He said we were now "Woodsman 2" or some crap, and to stop whining about how walking through rain forests slowed us down. (We got a good laugh in, though- he might make us walk up a jungle-covered hill and then keep going, but if walked into some nice easy flat land we could take a breather, haha, sucker!)
While you guys farmed your silly wheat (which we've heard about but
never actually gotten to eat any of), we defended you idiots from the Goths. We lost 90% of our number but we just kept on walkin'. While you were enjoying watching the lions eat the Christians (and, um, it was
we who found both the lions and the Christians), we were getting marched straight towards Genghis freakin' Khan. You don't know this, but his keshiks used to ride circles around us and laugh. We peed in our loincloths more than once. We did get to "rest" once- after that great silver deposit was discovered (do I really need to tell you who found it?) he had us stand still in one place.
For.
Seven.
Hundred.
Years.
Seven hundred years, standing in one place. Sit down and chill for a bit? Naw. Apparently this was the only known silver in the whole wide world. And we couldn't let the Japanese have it, because Tokugawa doesn't share. Good idea- have us stand there and look menacing (ooh, clubs in the air, scary- we felt more like we were waiting for Hideo Nomo to strike us out) while aggresive samurai and protective longbowmen walk up to us every year and stare us down. We peed in our loincloths more than once. Finally a group of settlers showed up.
They sat down, made a city, and proceeded to dig up
our silver. What did we do? We stood there, baseball bats in the air, and waited.
For.
Three.
Hundred.
More.
Years.
So we walked around fighting almost everything for about forty centuries- and then we had to stand there, ready for who knows what, for a thousand years. Eventually, some guys with these scary boom sticks showed up from the capital and told us to take off. We asked where they got their boom sticks (curiosity of a colleague, ya know) and were informed that they used to have clubs like us, but before they were sent here our
Wise Leader
paid a lot of money to give them something called "rye fulls". We asked if we could get some rye fulls, and were told some whiny garbage about the economy being bad right now. Even flush with the money from our silver? we asked, and were told that the silver had been given to Montezuma because the wheat farmers got scared of something or other. Whatever. For another few centuries it was more wandering. He stopped bothering to pay attention to where we were going. Once he even forgot we were there and let us lie down for a few decades (that was a much-needed break, lemme tell ya- don't ever complain about an eight-hour shift with no breaks until you've tried a 5500-year shift, ugh). Then we wandered some more. Once in about 1900 AD (roughly, we kinda lost track of time out there) this ginormous green landbeast roared up next to us and some guys that kinda look like us jumped out (only they didn't have loincloths, they were wearing weird green stuff head to toe). They said for us to head back to the capital. We asked if maybe we could get some of those rye fulls before we left. They chuckled and said we could have an "ant eye aerk raft myssel" (sp?), as the country had plenty of money now, but then they told us some nonsense about "not being inside cultural bor-" We didn't even wait to hear the rest of their excuse. We headed home by the shortest route possible.
The Great One
stuck us in the capital (which looks a bit different now) without so much as a "how was your trip?"
No reward for our service. No parade. "Can we get some of our wine we found?" No. "How about some wheat, there must be a lot of that?" Nope. Nothing.
So, after 6,000 years of "leading" our people, we will still continue to refer to this friggin' guy as Dan Quayle.
...
tl;dr- That "Mulatto Maker" guy is real pain to work for. If you wanna be a warrior, go play for TMIT or somebody.
) how else could they harvest bread and gold coins from sea water, or summon an army by magically breathing life into wooden sculptures a la Pinocchio with rifles, or send a humongous spaceship on course to alpha centauri using no precision computing equipment other than abacuses (also carved out of wood 
)
STUPID BARBARIANS!!!!!!
Cheers!
