Is it rare to be against physical punishment on kids if I got the belt as a kid myself?

[samsungxoxo]

Usually someone that never got spanked as a kid grows up never spanking their kids. Someone that grew up spanked has no problems repeating the same cycle.

But are both my husband and myself (Latina) rare cases? My husband expressed being traumatized by physical punishment. His mother used an extention cord on him and it made him have anxieties. My father used a belt on few occasions and I was 8 the last time he hit me with that disgusting object. The last time was for not understand my math homework on his 3rd instruction. Then he used threatened with that thing at age 11 (I locked myself in the bathroom) for not using a remote control correctly on the 3rd instruction. He has other good qualities but when it comes to teaching, disciplining a child correctly (not hitting) and controling his temper/emotions he sucks. He sucks at emotional intelligence. Plus he used to hit my mother during horrible arguments whenever she became verbally antagonistic. Then many years later mom was the one physical with him and him being verbally antagonistic. No surprise. Dysfuctional marriage. How about suggest couple therapy instead of hitting for words geez???

I've felt for that longest that corporal punishment is never about teaching nor correcting a child's negative behavior. It's always about blowing off steam, the parent's feeling, emotions. Always about them and not the poor kid left crying and scared at that comment.

I'm now a 38 year-old mother of a nearly 5 month-old baby boy and my husband is 51. We hate corporal punishment. It teaches nothing but how to avoid getting caught, how to refuse asking the spanking parent for help on homeworks, how to never consider them the best parent ever, etc.

Is this rare...to be a former spanked child but develop full hatred for that practice as an adult. If it helps out, they're both atheists too.

 

[Birdjaguar]

Hello and welcome to CFC Off Topic.

In very young children, four and under, a single swat on the bottom for attention and placement can be used. For example, if they run into the street or are messing with fire, a swat followed by a "No! Don't do that" can be helpful. Beyond that, hitting kids is usually a sign of parent frustration or anger. Kids are demanding and can be frustrating. My wife and I raised two kids and we were dead set against hitting them. Did we ever? Yes, but only rarely and on the butt or the hand that was getting into trouble.

 

[samsungxoxo]

What I can't understand is why do several people that want kids and even planned (I was planned and wanted) end up lacking patience? They knew exactly what they were getting into.
Secondly, I can't understand this "glorifying getting hit" culture. It's found among the Latino/hispanic community. I've heard so many of them claiming (even my mother's younger half-brother) to be decent people thanks to the spanking/whoppings they got and are grateful the parents did it. How can you be graceful of adults purposely delivering pain with household objects because they their parenting skills suck??
Would anyone be thanking a boss for hitting them every single time they make a mistake? Nope. So for me it's no different. No I'm not thankful at all for getting hit with a damn belt and neither Is my husband for getting hit with an extention cord.

 

[amadeus]

In so far as I can find public opinion data, the answer is that corporal punishment has been on a steady decline since the 1980’s (the earliest figure I could find), which would imply there is a tendency one way or the other: either for spanked children not to spank as much, or for non-spanked to begin spanking even more than the decline in spank-on-spank, the latter I assume to be unlikely.

 

[Gori the Grey]

Google's AI (timidly) suggests that there are others like you, perhaps a majority

While a definitive global percentage is unavailable, U.S. studies show a correlation between experiencing spanking and not using it as a disciplinary tool themselves, with some data suggesting a majority of those spanked don't then spank their own children. For example, a study found that of the people who received 3 or more instances of spanking, 85% reported not using spanking in the past year. However, the opposite is also true; many who were spanked continue the practice, and spanking remains common in many cultures worldwide.

I myself will spank my left hand with my right hand and applaud you for the choice you have made.

 

[Birdjaguar]

What I can't understand is why do several people that want kids and even planned (I was planned and wanted) end up lacking patience? They knew exactly what they were getting into.
Secondly, I can't understand this "glorifying getting hit" culture. It's found among the Latino/hispanic community. I've heard so many of them claiming (even my mother's younger half-brother) to be decent people thanks to the spanking/whoppings they got and are grateful the parents did it. How can you be graceful of adults purposely delivering pain with household objects because they their parenting skills suck??
Would anyone be thanking a boss for hitting them every single time they make a mistake? Nope. So for me it's no different. No I'm not thankful at all for getting hit with a damn belt and neither Is my husband for getting hit with an extention cord.

When you become a parent you really don't know what you are in for as your children grow up. they go through stages; some are easy some are hard and each child is different. At the same time parent are going through their own life changes and challenges. A bad day at work or no money to pay bills may not combine well with a child's temper tantrum over what to the parent seems like nothing important. But to the child it might well seem most important. parenting skills need to be learned by most. They do not come naturally. People spend more time learning how to use their phones than how to parent.

 

[samsungxoxo]

In so far as I can find public opinion data, the answer is that corporal punishment has been on a steady decline since the 1980’s (the earliest figure I could find), which would imply there is a tendency one way or the other: either for spanked children not to spank as much, or for non-spanked to begin spanking even more than the decline in spank-on-spank, the latter I assume to be unlikely.

Good. I can't wait to see that disgusting practice on its deathbed one day. I've seen enough damage it had done on my younger brother. He has physically attacked our father twice as an adult.

 

[GoodEnoughForMe]

Spanking is child abuse

 

[samsungxoxo]

When you become a parent you really don't know what you are in for as your children grow up. they go through stages; some are easy some are hard and each child is different. At the same time parent are going through their own life changes and challenges. A bad day at work or no money to pay bills may not combine well with a child's temper tantrum over what to the parent seems like nothing important. But to the child it might well seem most important. parenting skills need to be learned by most. They do not come naturally. People spend more time learning how to use their phones than how to parent.

My husband and I are already parents of our 5 month-old baby boy. He already seems to be developing his own personality. For instance, he likes being around people, hates being cradled for too long, likes being walked around a lot, taken out for a ride on this stroller, can fall alseep with noise and hates being alone in the crib if he's awaken. I think he'll likely be outgoing and extravert. He smiles and is very sociable with people.

 

[samsungxoxo]

Spanking is child abuse

As it should be. I wish it were banned in other countries. Getting hit with a belt, extention cord, paddle, wooden spoon, etc isn't a logical consequences for a negative conduct.
I find it very ironic the amount of Latinos/hispanics that spank or slap a teen that backtalks; hitting for just words. They're demanding respect and self-control (emotions regulated) from that teen but lack it themselves. How about applying logical consequences such as removing privileges.
Just bad words said shouldn't be met with getting physical and assaulting. Imagine hitting other adults just because they said things you didn't like? That's assault and battery charges right there.
Then to continue spanking when they're already ages 13 and above really sounds humiliating. If they have to still spank at that age, that should already be an obvious sign that their method never worked.

 

[Birdjaguar]

My husband and I are already parents of our 5 month-old baby boy. He already seems to be developing his own personality. For instance, he likes being around people, hates being cradled for too long, likes being walked around a lot, taken out for a ride on this stroller, can fall alseep with noise and hates being alone in the crib if he's awaken. I think he'll likely be outgoing and extravert. He smiles and is very sociable with people.

Congratulations. You will see his base personality show through in the first 2-3 years and then solidify up through 11-12. Adolescence will bring about wholesale changes. Our sweet, wonderful joyful daughter was a monster from 13-18. She reverted back and is a wonderful sweet momma of two children. They will learn from you and you will not even notice. Speech patterns, words, actions, etc. will slowly appear as if by magic. Children are learning machines and they learn by living in your household and watching and listening.

My thoughts on children:

Spoiler :

Post in thread 'General Politics IV - Without a Home Elsewhere'

Sep 29, 2025

Yes I do. We each bring different histories to our present and different concerns about our futures. My kids are your ~age and i would not expect them to see the world like I do.

I will date myself further with this passage from The Prophet

"AND a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children. And he said:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For...

• Birdjaguar

• 

 

[Samez]

In Germany it is illegal since 2000.
I remember one case from my family where I totally understood physical punishment: My cousin once tried to burn down my grandparents house when he was around 8-9 years while he was bored. Luckily they die find out and where able to put out the fire in time. Kids can be really stupid and also be quite cruel.
My cousin got beaten by my grandma with a wooden spoon on that day and, according to his own words now over 30 years later, it was the right thing to do.
Endangering the health and safety of others might be the only situation where physical punishment could be justified in my opinion, but as the potential for abuse is too large I also prefere it to be illegal.
My own mother slapped me only once on my bottom and she still feels guilty about it to this day.

 

[samsungxoxo]

Congratulations. You will see his base personality show through in the first 2-3 years and then solidify up through 11-12. Adolescence will bring about wholesale changes. Our sweet, wonderful joyful daughter was a monster from 13-18. She reverted back and is a wonderful sweet momma of two children. They will learn from you and you will not even notice. Speech patterns, words, actions, etc. will slowly appear as if by magic. Children are learning machines and they learn by living in your household and watching and listening.

My thoughts on children:

Spoiler :

Spoiler :

I'm glad to hear your daughter reverted back to her former self and is a good mother. I'm thinking perhaps peer pressure might've played a role. Classmates at school can be cruel.

In Germany it is illegal since 2000.
I remember one case from my family where I totally understood physical punishment: My cousin once tried to burn down my grandparents house when he was around 8-9 years while he was bored. Luckily they die find out and where able to put out the fire in time. Kids can be really stupid and also be quite cruel.
My cousin got beaten by my grandma with a wooden spoon on that day and, according to his own words now over 30 years later, it was the right thing to do.
Endangering the health and safety of others might be the only situation where physical punishment could be justified in my opinion, but as the potential for abuse is too large I also prefere it to be illegal.
My own mother slapped me only once on my bottom and she still feels guilty about it to this day.

Honestly instead of hitting, I would've been worried about that severe conduct and wonder if there were signs before that; if something else is happening. I would been setting up an appointment with a child psychologist, counseling and therapy sessions. It's not normal for a bored child to try burning down a house. It's good your mother at least feels guilty, unlike many that spank feel justified and even proud about it.

 

[Samez]

My cousin was mostly raised by our grandparents and I have not been there when the incident with the fire happened. To be honest I am not sure if there was any evil intent at all or there was just some stupidity like "I want to see the fire truck in action". Seeing a child psychologist would probably have been the better choice - on the other hand if you have to wait several months for an appointment the cause and effect correlation might be lost on the child. In the end it was a one time event and my cousin is living a normal life.

One thing I want to mention: Non violent and anti-authoritarian education ist not the same, but some people seem to think so. I still think it is important to show a child it's boundaries - doing this without turning to physical or emotional violence seems to be very hard for some parents. The amount of totally spoiled brats seems to be getting worse and worse, especially as the digital service society increases the instant gratification of individual demands.
Perhaps it's just me getting old but I have met too many single Moms where there are no limits for kids regarding screen time and more than one where the family is nearly ruined by spending ridiculous amounts of money on skins and Roblox money just for the kid to be happy/quiet...

 

[Ordnael]

I am so sorry for @samsungxoxo trauma. I got hit by a belt thrice. 2 of them were definitely undeserving. If I haver have kids belt is definitely of the table.
Thanks for the advice @Birdjaguar. A colleague of mine also says pulling the hair a bit near the neck or hear also works fine.

 

[samsungxoxo]

Seeing a child psychologist would probably have been the better choice - on the other hand if you have to wait several months for an appointment the cause and effect correlation might be lost on the child. In the end it was a one time event and my cousin is living a normal life.

One thing I want to mention: Non violent and anti-authoritarian education ist not the same, but some people seem to think so. I still think it is important to show a child it's boundaries - doing this without turning to physical or emotional violence seems to be very hard for some parents.

I think it depends on the place, cost and availability. Well I'm currently in Peru and was able to set up an appointment with the psychologist last week. I got assisted that very day and today at noon will be my first individual therapy sessions. I'm still dealing with the aftermath such having a temper issue in verbal manners. While I'll never hit my son, I wouldn't want to verbally take it out on other people or throw a fit at a restaurant or with my family members (I've done that twice when I was still single) and affect my son. I'm a milder version of my father in regards to temperament but I think verbal is just as bad too. I've noticed noticed that whenever I get anxious, my hands start sweating.

 

[samsungxoxo]

I am so sorry for @samsungxoxo trauma. I got hit by a belt thrice. 2 of them were definitely undeserving. If I haver have kids belt is definitely of the table.
Thanks for the advice @Birdjaguar. A colleague of mine also says pulling the hair a bit near the neck or hear also works fine.

Thank you for the understanding. No one deserves getting assaulted with a belt nor other household objects. That's my much than my mother failing to understand my own feelings towards it. She thinks both my younger brother and I are very sensitive people that can't deal with getting spanked a couple times, claiming that no one in her family (not even her) has our reaction nor got affected in that manner. She started listing the other positive things of my father such as a great provider and him helping me financially with my wedding. Unrelated. While good deeds can compensate for a bad one, it never magically erases it. It still happened, it was a bad experience and it hurt me. Then her next response was just sad that I just stopped expressing my hurt. It was an "But nearly all men, 99% hit their children, maybe your husband is the rare one in the 1%. That actually made me feel even worse.

Pulling a child's hair in anger and frustration seems abusive. Is she yanking the child's hair? Is the child crying and scared afterwards?

 

[Samez]

We are not doomed to relive our parents life, but learning to behave differently can be a long and difficult process.
This might sound like armchair psychology and perhaps it is so.
Some situations can be really challenging - there are parents who just do not love their children for whatever reason but all humans should have the right to live without fear of violation of body or mind.

 

[Ordnael]

Pulling a child's hair in anger and frustration seems abusive. Is she yanking the child's hair? Is the child crying and scared afterwards?

No, no. He just grabs a little hair between his fingers and pulls it up a little just so that they feel the sting. He has two boys, he has brought them a few time to work, they are fine and healthy.

 

[Akka]

Abuse is mainly about the level of psychological violence or when physical punishment turns into beating.
A slap or a spank in itself is not abuse when it's proportional and comes without hate, scorn nor indifference. Words alone hurt and mess more when they are accompanied by these.