Julius Caesar: A Comedic Tale

[NinjaCow64]

Chapter I: The first 2000 years, or so.

Narrator: No one knows how the world was made. Theologists believe that it was created by a divine being. Scientists believe that there was a huge explosion that created the earth. Others believe that the world was created by a random map generator, but those people are usually refereed to as “loonies”.

Anyway, everyone knows how the Roman Civilisation was founded on Juli’s river.

Shaman: Hail Julius! Grand Despot-For-Life! Liberator of the Romans! Inventor of the Self-Cheesing Cheesecake! Trainer of the flying...
Julius: Yada yada yada. I thought that I told you to change that introduction. Besides, I never trained the flying...
Shaman: That doesn’t matter! Look! The Jones tribe has built a small city!
Julius: Oh those pesky Joneses. We can never keep up with them.
Shaman:
Julius: Hey! Why don’t we build our own city? It would be way more awesome then their city.
Shaman: Yeah! We can call it Shaman City.
Julius: No, I think we should call it, ROME, after the Roman people.
Shaman: Not as good as Shaman City, but it’s up to you Despot for Life! Lib...
Julius: Don’t even start!



Narrator: Rome wasn’t built in a day. But it was. Paradox. A man falls down the stairs.
Julius:
Narrator: It’s an Inception reference.
Julius: What is Inception?
Narrator: Of course, they haven’t built Hollywood yet. Um, never mind.

(Next Day)

Joneses Leader: Oh Julius, our tribal huts were lame compared to your awesome city! Please let us in!
Julius: Why should I?
Joneses Leader: Because we have 50 million pieces of gold.
Julius: Come on in!

(After the Joneses have left)

Julius: Ug! Have you found all the cavemen yet?
Ug: Yes Caesar! Ug found all Cavemen! They got clubs!
Julius: Good. You are promoted to official roman scouts!
Ug: Ug happy!
Julius: Yes. Now, go off and scout!
Shaman: Why are we dressed in togas when they still live in caves? Why am I still a Shaman?
Julius: I have no idea. You can be the chief advisor
Chief Advisor: By the way, what techs are we researching? What are the people of Rome doing?
Julius: BRONZE WORKING! I’m sick of using clubs as weapons. Rome should train some workers.

Narrator: It took 640 years to find out the secrets of bronze, or, even what bronze is. In fact, bronze was invisible until they worked out how to use it. I have NO idea how they worked out to use it if they couldn’t see it.

Chief Advisor: Caesar! We have found some bronze near Rome! We can build Axemen when we connect it up!
Julius: Why haven’t we connected it yet?
Chief Advisor: Because we don’t have any workers yet.
Julius: HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO ROUND UP SOME PEOPLE AND BUILD A FEW RAKES!!!?
Chief Advisor: Apparently it takes more than 640 years.
Julius:
Chief Advisor: We could turn some people into slaves. That would speed up the process.
Julius: What are slaves?
Chief Advisor: Basically, you force people to do work that they don’t want to do. But who will we turn into slaves?
Julius: The Joneses.
Chief Advisor: I don’t think that they would like that...
Julius:

Narrator: And they didn’t. The city of Rome went into complete anarchy because the Joneses didn’t want to be slaves. But there were more Romans than Joneses, so they were overpowered eventually.



Julius: I’m glad that’s over. Anyway, bring in the slaves!
(Two slaves get dragged into the room.)
Chief Advisor: What are your names?
Bob: I’m Bob.
Bill: And I’m Bill.
Bob & Bill: And we are the slaves in charge of the other slaves.
Bob: And we hate it.
Bill: Yeah.
Julius: Right. Now, we need you to go mine the copper.
Bob: But those pickaxes are sharp...
Bill: And those mines are dark...
Julius: Do you need a reminder as what would happen if you don’t go into the mine...
Chief Advisor:
Bob & Bill: OH NOES NOT THE WHIP!!!
Julius: Now are you going to mine the copper?
Bob: Yes!
Bill: Just don’t whip us!
(Bob & Bill walk out. Ug walks in.)
Ug: Ug found leader!

Tokugawa: Welcome, Julius Cesar! May your empire flourish and grow as long as remains useful for us! I mean that sincerely...
Julius: Well it will remain useful to you for a very long time if we are friends!
Tokugawa: Excellent.
Julius: I can I come to your house and drink some sake?
Tokugawa: No, I don’t like to let other people into my house.
Julius: Right. Besides, I don’t even know where you live.
Ug: Ug found nother leader! And house!



Brennus: Greetings, Julius Caesar! I am Brennus of the warlike Celtic people! My druids shall construct a huge stone circle to honour this auspicious occasion!
Narrator: Are you going to build Stonehenge because of that? Do you say that to everyone you meet? Imagine that, 17 Stonehenges, imagine all that culture .
Julius: What are you talking about? What on Earth is culture??
Brennus: Why are you so weird???
Narrator: I’m going to shut up now.
Ug: Ug found third leader! No house dough.



Zara: Hail to you Julius Ceasar, I am Zara Yaqob, ruler of the god-fearing Ethiopian people! May the friendship between our two great civilisations last until we are much, much larger than you!
Narrator: How can you be god-fearing when you don’t even have a religion yet?
Julius: I thought that you were going to shut up.
Zara: It’s an angel! (Zara Yaqob points towards the Narrator and goes onto his knees.) How can I help thou holiness?
Narrator: Yes... I am an angel... and god has a message for you.
Zara: What is the message thou holiness?
Narrator: (Points behind Zara) OMG A DISTRACTION!!!
Zara: (Looks behind himself) Where? (Looks towards the Narrator, but he has ran away.)
Julius: (Facepalm)
Ug: Ug found thorth leader!



Shaka: Greetings, Julius Caesar! The Zulu people always enjoy meeting vulnerable and undefended new civilisations!
Julius: But we’re not undefended...
Shaka Damn. Shaka will have to find another civilisation.
Julius: You’re one of those weird people who refer to themselves in third person...
Shaka: SHAKA DOES NOT REFER TO HIMSELF IN THIRD PERSON!!!
Julius: Wow, that guy is angry.
Ug: Ug...
Julius: Don’t tell me that you found another one...
Ug: No. Ug say that settler and settler escort ready.
Og: Og is settler escort!
Julius: Not another one. Um... tell them to wait for us to research Iron Working.
Chief Advisor: Why do want MORE METAL? We’ve already got copper.
Julius: Were never going to conquer the world with only axes. We need something... better.
Chief Advisor: You want to conquer the world?
Julius:

Narrator: Iron Working was discovered a few hundred years later. Again, it was invisible until they found out how to use it. What is it with these metals???



Chief Advisor: We’ve found some metal nearby!
Julius: Excellent! Send Og and the settlers to settle near the metal! Get Bill and Bob to connect Rome to the new city and get them to mine that Iron. Also, get our scientists to learn the Mystical ways of the earth. Are those gladiator axemen city defenders ready yet?
Chief Advisor: Yes they are!
Narrator: You can’t have gladiators! You don’t get a colosseum until construction!
Julius: I thought that someone told you to SHUT UP!
Narrator: Sorry.
(A few hundred years later.)
Og: City settled Caesar!
Julius: Wonderful! Get Bob and Bill to connect the new city to Rome and mine the Iron! What should we name the city?
Chief Advisor: I know! Chief Advisorville!
Julius: You really want something named after you, don’t you? What’s your real name then.
Chief Advisor: Antium.
Julius: It’s a weird name for a person, but it’s a good name for a city. The city shall be called: ANITUM
Antium:



(A few hundred years later.)
Bob: We’ve connected the Iron, sir!
Bill: Please don’t whip us!
Julius: You won’t be whipped, but the people in Rome will be whipped so they finish that Granary.
Antium: What are they going to do after that?
Julius: We will build Pretorians, so we can destroy Celtica!

 

[civgenius]

LOL!!! One of the funniest things I've heard in a CIV story.

BTW: If you are needing a new advisor, Chief Advisor Civgenius is willing to replace your current advisor. (assuming you are tired of your current one naming cities after him)

 

[Dumanios]

 

[civgenius]

BTW:
Is your DI game over?

http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=364181

If so, you should start a new one!

 

[NinjaCow64]

LOL!!! One of the funniest things I've heard in a CIV story.

BTW: If you are needing a new advisor, Chief Advisor Civgenius is willing to replace your current advisor. (assuming you are tired of your current one naming cities after him)

Thanks . That’s really nice you think that.

Would you mind being my Chief General instead?

BTW:
Is your DI game over?

No it’s not. I’m waiting for someone to do the edits I requested.

 

[civgenius]

Chief General is fine!

 

[BarbarianArcher]

Can I be the production/slave advisor?

 

[NinjaCow64]

Can I be the production/slave advisor?

Yep!

 

[Darth Caesar]

Can I be in your story?

 

[ilduce349]

Ilduce demands to be the head of economics.

 

[Dom Jao II]

I must be foreign Advisor!

 

[NinjaCow64]

HOLY THREAD BUMP BATMAN!

I just want everyone to know that I’m back, this is not dead and that this will be updated really soon.

 

[General Pilates]

Can I be Research advisor? I likes me some research.

 

[ilduce349]

Can I be Research advisor? I likes me some research.

You would require my funding

 

[General Pilates]

You would require my funding

I'll choose Currency if you say yes

 

[General Pilates]

Bump.

What happened to this thread? It got quiet..

 

[ilduce349]

Yeah it looked interesting. While you wait, may I suggest SPRRR the interactive Rome. (You wanted to be research advisor in this game. In mine you could become a consul)

 

[General Pilates]

Yeah it looked interesting. While you wait, may I suggest SPRRR the interactive Rome. (You wanted to be research advisor in this game. In mine you could become a consul)

Sure why not. Consul Pilatius of Rome

 

[NinjaCow64]

Bump.

What happened to this thread? It got quiet..

It isn’t dead. I’ve played the round, it’s just that if I upload anything I will go over my internet limit, so I have to wait for a few days for the time period to reset. So I will update soon.

 

[NinjaCow64]

Anitum: I give up. I can’t stand it anymore. It’s too much work.
Julius: I’m hiding behind this pillar. It was very obvious, it’s your turn to hide now.
Anitum: No, I don’t feel like hide and seek anyway.
Julius: I thought that you loved hide and seek.
Anitum: I thought you loved it, I hate it.
Julius: I hate it as well.
(Pause)
Julius & Anitum:
Julius: What’s wrong Anium? I know when your upset.
Antium: It’s just ... I’m finding my job to stressful. It’s a bit nerve racking. I still want to be an advisor, it’s just we need more advisors.
Julius: We’ll get some more advisors! Bill! Bob!
Bob: Yes, Ceasar?
Bill: Please don’t whip us.
Julius: Bring in those random people who want to be advisors.
Bill & Bob: Yes Sir!
(Bill & Bob leave, 4 people enter.)
Civ Genius: I want to be the Chief General!
Barbarian Archer: I want to be the Slave/Production Advisor!
Ilduce: I want to be the Economics Advisor!
Pilates: I want to be the Research Advisor!
Dom Jao II: I want to be the Foreign Advisor!
Antium: And I’m the advisor on the Status of Advisors.

Narrator: Don’t worry Darth Ceasar, you’ll be in the story later in this update.
Julius: What ARE you talking about?
Narrator: I would tell you, but it would be a bit of a spoiler.
Julius:
Narrator:
Antium: Anyway ... It’s time for us advisors to advise Ceasar on things that need advice!
Narrator: What!? We haven’t had the character background stuff yet.
Everyone Else: Character background???
Narrator: Well you just can’t have random people enter the story without some reason why they’re there. That doesn’t involve outside factors though.
Julius: Right. I’ll let you do your Narration if you shut up after, okay?
Narrator: Deal.

Civ Genius is a brilliant General. He was the inventor of the Krimen-Schinder manoeuvre and the Waffletopflop counter attack. He also invented stacking, which made him the best candidate for Chief General.

Barbarian Archer started his life as a Barbarian Archer but he quit because The Barbarians hadn’t discovered archery yet. He is a massive production expert, he built his house out of two cows and a piece of wood. He also is a whip-o-holic. This makes him perfect for the job.

Ilduce is a wealthy merchant who got rich after buying stocks in a cow farm. He then sold them and the company went bust when they realised how crappy the food was from the cows. He then gave lectures on how to get rich, like the 7 steps to milk and glory and the ever popular 4 easy highways to getting lots of money and saying “I’ve got lots of money hahahaha.” This makes Ilduce very qualified for the job.

Pilates used to be a general but he quit because he realised his real passion was trying to crack the Paul Pinitus Plop Conundrum. When he solved it he proved the Biggius Maxiumus Conjecture, disproved the Falafel Soup Formula and made the first confirmed Finkletoes/Japapaom equation with real numbers. These mathematic equations made him the smartest in the field of science, making him the best man for the job.

Dom Jao II is the only Non-caveman Scout. He made first contact with many minor tribes like the Ogalaboogla tribe, the Fandago tribe and the Flipsy-Flopsy Fiddlefower city state. He also negotiated the ever profitable Yum-Yum treaty with the Burgermaker empire, so he is the perfect man for the job.

Everyone Else:

Narrator:

(The next day)



Ilduce: Lord McCauley has completed his greatest work - The Most Cultured Civilisations of the World!
Julius: And where were we?
Ilduce: Um, we didn’t get on the list.
Julius: WHERE DOES HE LIVE?! I WANT TO KILL HIM!
Ilduce: In an unknown Civilisation.
Julius: THEN WHY DO WE KNOW ABOUT IT!!!
Civ Genius: I’ve got good news...



Civ Genius: The first legion is complete!
Julius: Excellent! One step closer to killing Brennus!
Dom Jao II: I’ve found a Civilisation, Caesar!



Elizabeth: Welcome to my palace, Julius Caesar. I’m Elizabeth, the wise and really quite beautiful leader of mighty England. Let there be peace between us or we’ll kill you.
Julius: You know that makes a lot of sense. Sigh. I haven’t had a date for ages.
Antium: Why don’t you both go out on a date together.
Elizabeth: I hate dates! I always end up with balding men who are obsessed with salad.
Julius:

(A few years later...)

Pilates: Ceasar! We have researched Writing! You can Open Borders with people now!
Julius: Excellent!



Julius: Wait, why didn’t we just do that BEFORE we researched writing?
Pilates: That’s a really good point. What should we research next?
Ilduce: I think we should research Code of Laws. The cost of a growing empire like ours is just going to increase. Courthouses will drive these costs down.
Julius: Alright. Code of Laws it is, then.
Narrator: General Civ Genius wrote up an invasion plan. They would take the capital with ten Legions and one group of axemen. Then they would guard the city with a few legions and the axemen. The rest of the forces would take the other cities and burn them to the ground.
(Many years later...)
Dom Jao II: We’ve met two more leaders Ceasar!



Asoka: May peace and happiness go with you always, Julius Caesar. I am Aoska of India.
Julius: You have made the least threatening remarks out of all the leaders we’ve ever met. Don’t you have a drop of anger in you?
Aoska: No, not one. Excuse me, could you please take me to the bathroom?
Julius: Certainly.
(Julius takes Aoska to the bathroom and shuts the door.)
Dom Jao II: Who was that?
Julius: That was Aoska, leader of India. You should meet him, he’s really nice.
Aoska: (From the bathroom.) @%%$ING @!#@! THE $#%##%^%&*ING TAP DOESN’T %#$^ING WORK! THAT’S SO $^*&ING ANNOYING! I NEED TO WASH MY #%$^#%$#^*ING HANDS IN SOME *&%^ING WATER!
Aoska: (Leaving bathroom.) I believe your tap is broken.
Julius:



Montezuma: I am pleased to meet you, Julius Caesar! Let us each slaughter fifty thousand slaves to celebrate this auspicious occasion.
Julius: I can’t spare that many slaves! What about one thousand?
Montezuma: The great gods demand at least 4500!
Julius: 1500
Montezuma: 4000
Julius: 2000
Montezuma: 3000
Julius: 2500
Montezuma: 2500 and an expresso.
Julius: It’s a deal.
(Years Later...)



Brennus: What else would you like to discuss?
Julius: Nothing much, except that I declare war on you and that you are going to die.
Brennus: WHAT! That’s impossible, my army will stop you!
Julius: Look outside.



(Brennus runs away to Vienne.)
Julius: Damn.

Dom Jao II: I’ve found four more leaders Caesar!



Cyrus: Greetings, Oh wise ruler of the Roman peoples! Persia is strong-shall we count you among our friends, or among our enemies?
Julius: Friends, I think.
Cyrus: Excellent! Now excuse me, I have a very important conversation to have.
(Cyrus Pulls out mirror and starts talking to himself.)
Cyrus: Your da man! Your the best! Thank you Cyrus, thank you very much. I read your autobiography yesterday, it was great! But you already read it, didn’t you? I read it again because it was so good!
Julius:



Wang Kon: Welcome, Julius Cesar, ruler of almighty Rome! Deal faithfully with Korea and we will deal faithfully with you. Betray us and your life will both be short and full of excitement...
Julius: Oh, I choose option two!
Wang Kon: I sincerely hope you are joking Julius. Now excuse me, I’m going to cheat on my wife, I mean, I’m going to have a shower!
Julius: Sigh.



Charlemagne: May the blessings of heaven be upon you, Julius Caesar. I, Charlemagne, leader of the puissant Holy Roman people, welcome you to our mighty empire.
Julius: Wait! I’m Roman!
Charlemagne: No, I’m Roman!
Julius: No, I’m Roman!
Narrator: I’m Spartacus!
Julius & Charlemagne:
Narrator: Never mind.



Fredrick: Germany the great and it’s superior people greet you. I, Fredrick, desire peace with all my neighbors-even with your puny culture.
Julius: My culture isn’t puny!
Fredrick: That’s not what Lord McCauley said...
Julius: WHERE DOES HE LIVE!!!
Fredrick: In an unknown civilisation!
Julius:



Pilates: We have researched Code of Laws!
Julius: Great! Now we can...
(Darth Caesar randomly bursts into the room wearing Confucian robes.)
Darth: I am Darth Caesar, founder of the great Roman religion, Confucianism!
Julius: Eh?
Darth: I have found that the true way to god is by writing random symbols in ink and hitting gongs! Also the monks have to wear these awesome robes.
Barbarian Archer: I’m not sure if we can trust...
Darth *gong*
Julius: OOH! Let me try! *gong*. That’s awesome!
Everyone in Room: *gong*
Julius: Confucianism is the new Roman religion!
Barbarian Archer: But not everyone will want to convert...
Julius: Then we will shun the non-believers!
Darth: Shun!
Antium: Shun!
(1 turn of anarchy later)
Julius: That’s how you deal with anarchists, you shun them till they stop being anarchists! Darth, would you like to be our religious advisor?
Darth: Yes Caesar!

(In Vienne)
Brennus: ...they may burnt all of our other cities, but we still have Venne!
Julius: Actually, we’re burning this one right now!
All the Celtic People:
[COLOR="Orange”]Brennus:[/COLOR] Wait! No, we still can...
(Brennus gets shoved into a inter-dimensional door.)
[COLOR="orange"]Brennus:[/COLOR] Where am I?
Narrator: This is my hang out, THE DUNGEON. You’re not dead, but you kind of are. I have nice popcorn!
Brennus: What about my Civilisation?
Narrator: It’s destroyed. But there is the Roman Civilisation, that’s pretty interesting. I think it’s on Channel 4.
(Narrator turns on the TV)
Julius: Anyway, let’s see the world map.



Julius: Firstly, we will expand a bit more. Then, WE WILL CONQUER THE WORLD!!!