Lemmy the Indecisive and his plucky British Advisor Sidekicks

[lemmy101]

YES OK I may do another of these, for I have a plan.

Lemmy the 'Great' 'Leader' of the 'Mighty' English, appointed by God, welcomes you. Unfortunately Lemmy knows not how to run one of these newfangled 'empire' things the barbarians are all banging on about. What to do?

Luckily, I've heard on the grapevine that being leader of a Civilization that will stand the test of time is mere child's-play. Even a casual ruler can conquer the world these days, because the world has been simplified.

We've all heard the rumours.

The to-and-fro of global economics, the rules of warfare, the moods of the peoples of Earth and even the fundamental laws of nature have been distilled to their most rudimentary and dumbed down form.

So I will attempt to conquer this fair green rock, whatever DEITY may try and get in my way. And despite having no mind of my own of which to make sound tactical decisions, my good and trusted advisers will steer me clear every step of the way. They will lead me to an assured and inevitable victory!

I shall listen to their every word of advice, cater to their every whim, and follow their words to glory or to the grave.

If I do this, how can I fail? With the laws of simplicity working for me in this dumbed down universe in which I now reside? I'll see you in the Annals of History, as the greatest leader who ever lived, despite having a brain the size of a grape.

My story begins at some time in the future, may the DEITY be with me, and more importantly, my infallible advisers.

 

[wasabijoe]

As a long time lurker who can't afford the game right now, I just wanted to say I am eager to see this play out.

 

[Sporhund]

Loving the concept, can't wait to see you get your arse kicked, and then rub it in the face of the nay-sayers =D

 

[Preacher5571]

I await your missives with bated breath.

 

[lemmy101]

Hark! We have landed on this Sceptred Isle. Immediately the most trusted of all my chief advisers (I forget her name) steps forward to inform me that fate is on my side, as by happen stance, my landing spot would be a most excellent place to found our first great settlement!

I shall of course heed your sage council, miss sexy bottom. and yes, I will also attend that sexual harrassment seminar on the morrow, as you so wisely suggest, cute tits.

 

[lemmy101]

I stand on the hillside and gaze down in pride at the bustling city of Awesominium. My advisers thought it fit that despite having little sway of the inner workings of my empire, that I might christen my cities as I see fit, lest I lose my mind to boredom and start setting fire to things by mistake or as a joke.



My my, I did well to pick such fine looking ladies for my employ. I'm required to say at this juncture that I fully respect you as a peer and colleague, see you as an equal in every respect and will refrain from any inappropriate contact or proximity while discussing the finer aspects of foreign policy, ma'am.

A warrior you say? I would suppose that would be those fellows with the pointy sticks that leer and shout so?

Onward, explore this fair isle men! I will leave my military adviser to dictate your exact destination!

 

[DarkTempla]

Sorry to interrupt

- What settings do you play on? Difficulty, map, speed (quick I presume?), etc.

Thanks for starting a new game btw!!

 

[Shinian]

This should be good!

 

[lemmy101]

My advisers have a most puzzling quandry for me. Seems I must decide what the hammer smiths and thing makers must make. My first builded thing to go in my fine empire! I swell with pride, and then remember my place in this simple world.

"What do you think I should build, my trusted confidants?"

What came next was an argument the likes of which I had never seen.



"Surely only by drafting workers to plow the fields can we hope to master the secrets of science!"
My science adviser yelled.

"I say a monument would be in the best interests of our economy!" the plaintiff insisted.

Both the military fellow and that foreign lady agreed that a scout to aid in our exploration would be in the best interests of our civilization.

Of course, the choice was clear. I went with the majority.

This wasn't my idea, intellectually stunted as I am, it was the military advisor's. He's a clever chap. And strong looking, too.

I decided to stick with this fair and just democratic system. And in the case of a tie, I would go with the military advisor if possible, for he looks pretty mean and I greatly fear angering him.

 

[lemmy101]

Sorry to interrupt

- What settings do you play on? Difficulty, map, speed (quick I presume?), etc.

Thanks for starting a new game btw!!

Deity (kinda the point ). Large Earth Map. Quick.

 

[Preacher5571]

So, since it's an Earth map, are we assuming we're in Italy? W/ all the water around the capital, will you be focusing on water-based improvements for the Capital (harbor, lighthouse, etc)? Pardon all my questions, but I'm pretty new to Civ and I'm trying to play along in my head.

 

[SkunkDoctor]

So, since it's an Earth map, are we assuming we're in Italy? W/ all the water around the capital, will you be focusing on water-based improvements for the Capital (harbor, lighthouse, etc)? Pardon all my questions, but I'm pretty new to Civ and I'm trying to play along in my head.

The point is that everyone has their panties in a bunch about Civ V being "dumbed down", so he is only doin what his advisors tell him to do, expecting to win a deity game easily without thinking too much about it.

 

[lololk]

This will be great. I can tell

Hail Awesominium!

 

[oopsy poopsy]

Only Deity and you're cheating by taking all their advice? Now that the game is so simple, I call dom win for the English before the middle ages.

 

[lemmy101]

No sooner as they had left the room they had returned, with more business.

"We need to master a new technology! And become learned in some such new thing, like that which we have not having learned before!"

I should point out to my dear reader, in case it is not apparent, that the recountings of my advisers verbiage are of course by my own reckoning, as I forget the exact words of advice they offered me at the time, for my memory is somewhat patchy given my mental capacity of a Peggle player.

Anyway I digress. A technology you say? That sounds rather clever!

The advisors all gather, and tell me what is most definitely what.

Pottery? Pah! Animal Husbawhat??? I'm sure if such a thing as religion had been invented there would be some kind of eternal punishment for doing that to a cow!

Given my fear of the butch military man, I give the order. Since none of you can agree, we shall do what he says there with the big pointy thing! Let us learn how to mine the hills of this land!



Forsooth! This empire management business is as simple as a sheep with no heads! I shall cover every square foot of this land with my noble influence in no time!

 

[lemmy101]

Hurrah! My first scouts report for duty. I send them on their way with a big warm hug that definitely didn't go on too long, and they begin on their journey. A few seconds later they finish their journey to the military advisor, and ask him for his orders, casting me the strangest of looks. "To the north, men!" he commanded, and off they went, whispering secretively as they strode away.



So what's next, team? I ask, trying to project a sense of authority yet approachability in my tone and gait.

Another scout? Well, I suppose if that's what you think best!

 

[DarkTempla]

Spoiler :

No sooner as they had left the room they had returned, with more business.

"We need to master a new technology! And become learned in some such new thing, like that which we have not having learned before!"

I should point out to my dear reader, in case it is not apparent, that the recountings of my advisers verbiage are of course by my own reckoning, as I forget the exact words of advice they offered me at the time, for my memory is somewhat patchy given my mental capacity of a Peggle player.

Anyway I digress. A technology you say? That sounds rather clever!

The advisors all gather, and tell me what is most definitely what.

Pottery? Pah! Animal Husbawhat??? I'm sure if such a thing as religion had been invented there would be some kind of eternal punishment for doing that to a cow!

Given my fear of the butch military man, I give the order. Since none of you can agree, we shall do what he says there with the big pointy thing! Let us learn how to mine the hills of this land!



Forsooth! This empire management business is as simple as a sheep with no heads! I shall cover every square foot of this land with my noble influence in no time!

LOL, this game is soo dumbed down:
When finally confronted to make a choice they already tell you that one of them (archery) is invalid!
Soo oversimplyfied... jeeez!

 

[lemmy101]

My heavens! It seems that the mighty English are not the only people in this simple domain. Other civilizations, as void of depth and strategy as myself, also inhabit the lands on which I have made my home.

This odd looking fellow calls himself Oda.




He greets me warmly, and I turn to ask for my advisers council in this most sensitive of diplomatic encounters.

By the Gods, I forgot that lowly advisers are not permitted to stand aside great foreign leaders. I'm in this on my own. But I have studied well, and I feel I am ready for the challenge. I plan to be polite, yet stern, to show I am respectful yet powerful. I feel this is the right course of action. I will adopt this strategy for all future negotiations, unless I don't feel like it.

I ask him for his 'hand in cooperation'. I trust I worded this correctly. He declined, and left soon after with a frown on his face.

 

[LegioCorvus]

Awwww... for some reason I felt like this thread would be as long as the last one. Oh, well. Looking forward to seeing what happens.

Like what I've seen of the game so far. Demo was boring after several playthroughs, but I only have 5-7 hours to go now!

 

[lemmy101]

Edinburgh you say, lady miss foreign adviser? They sound like a fine bunch, indeed they do! I will definitely interact with them diplomatically or go to war with them immediately.

Which though?

I call an emergency meeting.



The advisors all seem keen to share their wisdom with me. However the foreign lady of whom I trust all diplomatic matters seems reluctant to share her thoughts on Edinburgh. Mr. Military Sir was also kind enough to tell me that that Oda fellow was someone to keep an eye on me. He didn't seem to want to divulge his thoughts on attacking Edinburgh, even when I helpfully tried repeatedly saying 'Next' to him at a helpfully loud volume.

It seems though he really has a thing for 'Bronze', whatever that may be. I'm sure it'll be handy for economics and diplomatics and scientism too, though.

It is as it was foretoled! Being a ruler is a most jolly lark! I get to do all kinds of gay things, and I don't have to think about any of it at any great length!