cIVpassIVe
Chieftain
LTC: The Licentian Town Cryer
All Thats Fit to Print!
ISSUE: I
All Thats Fit to Print!
ISSUE: I
Is Governor Tubby Rower just another idiot?
By Hardvark, Government Affairs
A senior source within the Government has revealed that Governor Tubby Rower shot a fellow Boaring Wallowian, but claims it was apparently the result of faulty intelligence. It is unclear whether the faulty intelligence concerned is Tubby Rower!
Our source says that the Governor told him, I thought the shooting victim was Ghenghis Kahn. The Governor apparently said that he had shot a fellow hunter while on a quail hunting trip over the weekend, because he believed the man was Ghenghis Khan. He also acknowledged that the man he shot with an arrow was not Genghis Kahn, but rather Fe3333au and blamed the mix-up on "faulty intelligence."
The Governor, in his own words, told our source... "I believed I had credible intelligence that Genghis had infiltrated my hunting party in disguise with the intent of hitting me with a club. Only after I shot Fe3333au in the neck and he shouted Tubby, you Mongol! did I realize that my intelligence was faulty."
Moments after Tubby's assault on Fe3333au, we heard that Genghis appeared on a hill outside Timbuktu telling the scribes at the al-Jamongol newspaper that he was uninjured in Tubby's attack because, in his words, "I was in Berlin."
An aide to Tubby (yet another Idiot within the Government) said he believed that the Lycentian people would believe his version of events, but added, "If he was going to shoot any of his cronies right now it's a shame it wasn't Swiss Empire.
President DaveShack defended Governor Tubby's shooting of a fellow hunter, saying that the attack sent "a strong message to Mongols everywhere. "The message is, if Tubby is willing to shoot an innocent Lycentian citizen at point-blank range, imagine what he'll do to you. Thank you for those words of wisdom Mr President!
Wallowing in our own Greatness
By cIVpassIVe, Editor-in-Chief
Weve come a long way, baby! The thriving nation of Licentia has grown from a lone hut at the banks of Lake Wallow where The Great Froth empties into it, to a conglomeration of communities crossing almost the entire Geb Penninsula! Our forefathers had great insight, and through their strong leadership and values, we will soon see the dawning of our third millennium.
It is with judicious use of our civilizations newest discovery, writing, that we now have the ability to bring you the LTC: Licentian Town Cryer, as chiseled in stone tablet, for your enjoyment. No longer must you rely solely on the gossip and innuendo spewed by your nosey neighbors, you can get it all here!
I, on behalf of the entire staff at LTC, hope you enjoy this, our first issue. If you laugh at what you see here, thanks for the compliment. If the content makes you think and nod your head, thats what were hear for. If anything in the LTC makes your blood boil or want to rant and/or pout, please refer to our friendly LTC Disclaimer.
Thanks to all our writers for their mighty efforts and excellent penmanship!
Licentians sold into slavery!
Betrayed by our government, or victims of our own stupidity?
By Hardvark, Government Affairs
City governors are to be given the power to enslave citizens at their whim. That means honest, hard working Licentians, such as our readers, can be turned into slaves and whipped to the brink of death for no other reason than it takes a governors fancy. Is this really the society that we want for Licentia? Do we place such little value on our freedoms? This may be alright for the small minority who currently pay for such treatment in the more disreputable parts of Boaring Wallow, but what about the rest of us?
How did we citizens come to vote for such an abuse of our rights? No doubt the government will try to reassure us that governors will only use this power in the most dire emergencies, but is that really justification for such an abuse of our freedom and bodies? Shame on you that voted for such an abomination, but greater shame on you that did not even bother to vote!
The Abydos Chronicles
By Bengeance, Abydos Managing Editor
This is your LTC correspondent Talks N Ritesalot reporting from the grass lined streets of Abydos. Currently travel to Abydos is somewhat difficult. The journey is long and dangerous. Perspective residents must travel across miles of desert, hills, forests, and plains. But the trip is definitely worth it. Once you reach the growing metropolis of Abydos you will have your choice of mud huts to live in. As a former resident of Boaring Wallow I can tell you from experience that the housing market here is much friendlier. I was able to get a mud hut with an extra 5 square feet for less than a weeks labor. Such are the opportunites that abound in Abydos.
News in the job market is also encouraging. There are lots of jobs available to the brave or hard working. Border guard is a popular profession with plenty of chance to work along the Licentian Mongolian border. City workers are also needed to help with the construction of mud roads and civic buildings. The job with the best potential for personal gain is located just to the north west of the city in the Horse Plains. As long as you don't mind dealing with the crazy fellow you meet upon reaching the plains. He tends to ramble about a couple of people named Chip and Alvaro. He is also convinced that he is in charge of the horses, but since no one else really wants that job I guess he can have it. For those residents of Abydos who can deal with him he is willing to teach you the care and training of the horses. He also swears that someday we will ride the horses. I don't believe him for a minute but they can certainly carry and haul much more than a man so they are still worth the effort.
Being as connected to the comings and goings of Abydos as I am, I have heard rumors that sometime in the next few centuries we will complete a road from Boaring Wallow to Abydos. This will allow for the transportation of large numbers of pigs from Boaring Wallow. That is perhaps the one drawback to living here in Abydos. The local cuisine is somewhat limited. How I would love to have some grass and pork soup again. But here it is just grass soup. But we make the best of a boring culinary selection. Some of the ladies in town have developed an amazing treat called a mud pie. I tell you it is delicious and I hope someday to take it back to Boaring Wallow and a triumph of the people of Abydos.
But for now it is time to say goodbye. My chisel is almost dull. I look forward to more communication in the future. But for now goodbye from Abydos, home of the soon to be world famous Mud Pie. This is Talks N Ritesalot signing off.
Whos afraid of the big bad Germans?
By Hardvark, Government Affairs
In other news, the Secretary of State is running so scared of the Germans that he suggests we give in to any demands that they make. Whats worse, our esteemed Secretary of War agrees with him! In response to the Secretary of States suggested strategy, the Secretary of War (or should that be Submission?) said, I would recommend caving into any demands. But what do you expect if you elect a self-professed Idiot as Secretary of War! With leaders like these we wont need our own governors to enslave us, our neighbours will do it for them!
Collections from the Raving Wandering
By GeorgeOP
What Is It Good For?
We live in troubled times. I dont think there will ever be more to fear in our world than what we are facing right now. We have met multiple new races. Almost all have agreed to help us out. Some have given us money and others have given us maps. Two groups of people have even agreed to join our nation. They gathered all the things they owned in their life and became nomads, helping us explore the world.
But one tribe continues to refuse to join our nation. Led by their dangerous leader Genghis Khan, they think their city is as great as ours. In fact, I wouldnt be surprised if they had something to do with the disappearance of one of our scouts. We must take action immediately to stop these hordes before they destroy our world.
Mike-Boaring Wallow
Absolutely Nothing
I dont understand some people. We meet a group of people who are different than us and everyone wants to kill them. They have lived peacefully with the Russians for years, and have never shown any sign of aggression. There is no reason to believe that the noble and trustworthy Mongolian people would ever attack us.
John-Pig Farmer
Free Labor
I demand free labor! I run a very large energy power plant. There is no reason that I should have to give up some of my hard earned money to the people who clean my business. They should consider it an honor that they are allowed to work for me. I also house them on my property, and give them food. They all have three walls and most of a roof, and I buy so much left over pig slop for them to eat that they hardly ever faint anymore. Im spending so much money on them, I cant afford enough candles to keep all six of my chandeliers in my mansion alit every night. Why should I only be able to light five of my chandeliers and give my hard earned money to them? Hmm?
Besides, people with long hair are not as smart as us short haired people. If it wasnt for us, they couldnt survive. They shouldnt be considered people anymore, they should become my property. Someone in the government needs to help me out here. That would be excellent.
Charles Monty B.-Somethingfield
Like What You Read?
If you've enjoyed this first issue of the LTC, and think to yourself, "Hey, I could write better dribble than these guys!" Then step right up, LTC, LLC is still hiring a few able bodied writters and would love to see you put your chisel where your mouth is! Take a look at the staff positions below and sign up. Weekly pay is two pig's feet and one pint of Pass
![[civ4]](/images/smilies/civ4.gif "Civ4 [civ4]")
e's Porter...pay subject to change without warning
