MJ + Burns Mashup

[Bonyduck Campersang]

Many years ago, in response to a bizarre announcement of the impending release of Michael Jackson's Robert Burns -inspired tunes (which as far as I know, has not yet come to fruition), the Guardian ran a suitably bizarre competition for its readers to turn Michael Jackson lyrics into poems after the style of Robert Burns. Sadly it did not see as much participation as is par the course of these articles, but some of the offered parodies were really good – too good frankly to be parodies of either Jackson or Burns. So good that I've compiled my personal picks here:

Gad she close to the witching hour
Nae good is clamouring in the black
"Neath the moon all grey and dour
You see yon eerie, your heart do tak

You canna scream, it flies awa'
You canna move, the beastie bold
You canna move, the ghaist afar
Your body struck by fear and cauld

Parodied song: "Thriller"

When I had you to meself
I dinnae want you aboot
Those bonnie faces always made you
Stand out from the muck
But someone plucked you from the heath
One wee glimpsie was all it took
Now it's much too late for me
To tak a second look
Och laddie gie me one more chance
And waft my dear laddie ance mair to my arms
Won't you please send me back in your heart
Oh darlin' I was blind to let you go
But now since I see you in his arms
I want you Mac
Yes I do now
I want you Mac
Ooh ooh laddie
Och aye, naw
Abuh buh buh buh
All I want!
Abuh buh buh buh
I want you Mac!

Parodied song: "I Want You Back"

There was a lass, and she was fair,
At kirk or market to be seen;
When a' our fairest maids were met,
The fairest maid was bonie Billie Jean.
And aye she wrought her mammie's wark,
And aye she sang sae merrilie;
The blythest bird upon the bush
Had ne'er a lighter heart than she.
But hawks will rob the tender joys
That bless the little lintwhite's nest;
And frost will blight the fairest flowers,
And love will break the soundest rest.
Young Robie was the brawest lad,
The flower and pride of a' the glen;
And he had owsen, sheep, and kye,
And wanton naigies nine or ten.
He gaed wi' Jeanie to the tryste,
He danc'd wi' Jeanie on the down;
And, lang ere witless Jeanie wist,
Her heart was tint, her peace was stown!
As in the bosom of the stream,
The moon-beam dwells at dewy e'en;
So trembling, pure, was tender love
Within the breast of bonnie Billie Jean.

Parodied song: "Billie Jean"

Mis-caw'd!
Ye say it isnae a swuird
But wae yer pen, ye torture men
Ye'd crucify the laird.
And ye don't huvtae read it
And ye don't huvtae eat it
Tae buy it's tae feed it
Sae why dae we keep kiddin wirsels?

Splairged!
Wi the wirds ye use
Yer a parasite in black and white
Dae ochtlins for news
So dinnae go and buy it
And they willnae glorify it
Tae read it sanctifies it
Sae why dae we keep kiddin wirsels?

Parodied song: "Tabloid Junkie"

We telt Davie Cameron dinnae come aroon here
We didnae vote Tory, an youse basterts kin stey clear
It's oor referendum an yer meddlin wull cost dear
So beat It, jist beat It

Youse kin scaremonger, yese kin lie cheat an rant
Bit we're no listenin tae yer media's lyin cant
Yese kin stick it up yer sheuch kis we'll dae whit we want
So beat it, or get a kick in the nads

Jist beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
We're a people who'll no be defeatit
We ken whaur we're heidit, strang is wir ficht
Haudin wir ain vote is the Scots nation's richt

Jist beat it, beat it
Jist beat it, beat it
Jist beat it, beat it
Jist beat it, beat it

Parodied song: "Beat It"

Fair fa' your honest, happy face
Great chieftain o, the pudding race
Above them a' ye tak your place
Painch, tripe, or thairm
So heat it, just heat it

The groaning trencher there ye fill
Your hurdies like a distant hill
Your pin wad help to mend a mill
In time o' need
So beat it, but you wanna be bad

Choruso

Just heat it, heat it, heat it, heat it
No one wants to be reheated
Showin how funky strong is your fighter
It does nae matter whos wrong or right

Just heat it, heat it
Just heat it, heat it
Just beat it, beat it


Theyre out to knife you, better scran while you might,
Dont wanna be a boy, cut upp wi' ready sleight,
Trenching your gushing entrails bright,
So heat it, just heat it


You have to horn for horn them that they stretch an strive
Deil tak the hindmost, youre playin with your life,
Theyll trick you, then they treat you,
Then theyll tell you its fair
So heat it, but you wanna be bad

Ye Pow'rs who make mankind your care
And dish them out their bill o'fare
Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware
That jaups in luggies:

But, if ye wish her gratefu' prayer,
Gie her a haggis
But first, just heat it, heat it, heat it, heat it!
I dinnae ken why you will nae eat it, eat it eat it!

Parodied song: "Beat It"

 

[Bonyduck Campersang]

Excuse while I fix formatting