Kev
Hired Goon
Part I1863
Sid: Welcome back Civ fans to the second round of the Civ World Cup. Im your play-by-play announcer Sid Meier, and we have an exciting match in store for you. IF you recall, the first round was all United Fanatica those projectile sports playing and at times projectile vomiting young batch of civvers. It was the lackluster German team that lost out the most all of their cities, in fact, as they now belong to the Fanatics. Who will be able to stop this juggernaut? With my previous color commentator, God, now out and about answering some prayers, my new sidekick is none another than Satan
Satan: Please to me you. Hope you get my name.
Sid: Well Satan, what can you tell me about this Fanatica team and the competition it now faces.
Satan: Well, Sid, if I didnt know any better, I would think that these Fanatics had made a deal with ME. Right now, the only civilizations still left on this map are the Mongols, the Romans, the Zulus, and the English.
Sid: And how does each of these look to fare?
Satan: The Mongols are a non-issue. With five or so cities and a weak-minded leader in Genghis, Id say they are about done. I think well see Fanatica bust them down to a single city and do something I enjoy: toy with them like a cat with a wounded mouse.
Sid: Conjures up a lovely image there, Satan. What of the Romans?
Satan: Livia has been providing technology for the rest of the world for a while now. With a decent force ready to move, the Fanatics will concentrate on this civ in the coming years. There should be plenty of death and destruction here. Mwahahahaha.
Sid: Yes, Im sure well all enjoy that. The English are looking like a decent foe for the Fanatics, arent they?
Satan: Yeah, they have a decent amount of cities and have put together some cash reserves while in their lousy, religious Fundamentalist government. I think that President Kev will play some defense with the tea-drinkers and concentrate on the Romans and toying with the Mongols. Rest assured, as more machines of death [i.e. howitzers] come into the picture, when the Fanatics want to crush the English, they will with very little resistance.
Sid: And that would leave the Zulus.
Satan: Yeah, Shaka really has his troops ready to go. Sid, the world aint exactly awash in green if you know what Im sayin. I mean it was just a few turns ago that they got electricity. If it werent for the other civs GIVING them technology, theyd still be riding elephants instead of only just having sex with them like they do now.
Sid: Yes, a very colorful commentary indeed. I see that we are ready to begin, so lets see where the game takes us
1863:
Sid: With some new orders, it would seem that President Kev is attempting some micromanaging and rush building.
Satan: Smart move, though it was never that goody-goody Kevs strong point. Hes picked up some additional advisors who seem to have some brains. Should make the devastation of the other civilizations all the more complete.
Sid: Speaking of which, it would seem that the Fanatica Senate is going to allow a sneak attack at the Mongol city of Shangtu.
Satan: With four howitzers, these last few Mongols cities should fold quicker than a virgin playing strip poker.
Sid: So it would seem. Shangtu falls to the Fanatics and they receive 235 gold along with a marketplace improvement. And whats this? The war is allowed to continue.
Satan: A bold move to ignore that whipping boy of theirs, Genghis. They can now clean up the partisans and keep an eye on the next city that they have so nicely connected with rails.
Sid: With some spies, I know that there were thoughts of bribing these cities, but with the new capital at nearby Kazan, they were quite pricey.
Satan: And would cause less destruction and chaos as well! Anyway, a single bribed partisan can now guard the newly acquired city, and Kev can look to put the money elsewhere.
Sid: Yes, there has been a lot of work going into aqueducts, harbors, sewers, and the like.
Satan: It drives me NUTS, but Fanatica is so happy I wanna PUKE. I guess they are trying to make sure theres enough room for all those cute widdle babies or something. Yuck.
Sid: Well, heres something that should make you feel better. The UFS Marlbrough has left Kabul and is now heading toward Roman territory.
Satan: Yes. The Fanatica navy has sent many ships to their graves, and not a single ship has been lost.
Sid: To put the exclamation on that, the UFS Dell sinks a Roman sub, but needs to find a place for repairs.
Satan: FUN. It should make it to Lutetia without much ado, but Id like to see the Romans try something. At least make it interesting.
Sid: Something interesting indeed as a Fanatica transport is now heading toward Roman territories and it looks stocked.
Satan: Fun in a jar right there. It has 6 howies, a spy and marines. Looks like a foothold is about to be established and theres more in Lugdunum waiting to join in as well.
Sid: Well, in other news, UF spies have spotted the Mongol target I mean CITY of Kerman. Another spy leaves in a transport to find Mongol cities that are not on the map as of yet.
Satan: Its like an Easter egg hunt of death. And Im not very sorry for the sacrilege.
Sid: The counters by the civs involved look rather weak.
Satan: Yes, the English finally realize that gravity is keeping them on the planet and they then overthrow their government. Always happens to those Fundy governments once science and technology get involved.
Sid: Well, the Romans look aggressive at least.
Satan: So does a dog when it chases a moving car. I mean, how dopey can they be? They have sent a cruiser at the UFS Dell and it died. They then think it a very good idea to attack the Dell with a WOODEN frigate. Guess what. DEAD. They send an ironclad at the city of Becka-Becka which they KNOW has a coastal fortress. DEAD. The only thing they get done is killing some engineers near Lutetia with a destroyer. This just makes that ship a target. Oh well, at least I got to say DEAD a lot.
1864:
Sid: The building phase of this year is huge.
Satan: Yup. That rush building has produced many an item for Fanatica.
Sid: Well, here we go.
Bokhara = aqueduct and starts sewer
Nanking = harbor and starts sewer
Gloucester = engineers and starts temple
Renmark = market and starts aqueduct
St. Leowind = oil and starts aqueduct
Spice Haven = aqueduct and starts sewer
Becka-Becka = sewer and starts bank
Kevholm = sewer and starts bank
Koningsberg = mass transit and starts howitzer
Hamburg = sewer and starts temple
Lutetia = temple and starts engineers
Dukeshire = market and starts sewer
Xinjian = aqueduct and starts market
Lugdunum = market and starts harbor
Heidelberg = sewer and bank
Unknown City = sewer and starts harbor
Munich = sewer and starts temple
Spycatcher = collosseum and starts a port facility
Dreadtown = Manufacturing plant and starts stock exchange
Olympia = collosseum and starts supermarket
Karakorum = temple and starts harbor.
Satan: Is that enough for you? Wow. And in Karakorum a defender pops in from Nishapur. It should be safe now. Lets get to war!
Sid: No need to delay, the transport has arrived at Veii and the howitzers are ready for action.
Satan: Three defenders in Veii. With the howitzers, they die quicker than mosquitoes in a bug zapper and just as brutally I might add. To make things extra nice, the Dell sinks the nearby Roman destroyer.
Sid: Yes, I thought you WOULD add that. The Fanatics get172 gold, a market, and an aqueduct. And YES, they are given the mandate for further peacekeeping.
Satan: Clean-up time. The transport lands with defense for the city (marines), defense against tech stealing (spy), and some extra howies to remove the partisans that have appeared. Quite the frothy spectacle.
Sid: Yes, you could describe it that way. And it would seem that Kerman, the Mongol city, is now on the chopping block as well.
Satan: Yeah. With some spies to make a chain in front of some Mongol units, the city falls without much of a fight. Sort of like a drunk sorority girl.
Sid: The fanatics receive 165 gold for their efforts along with another market. Boy, those marketplaces are tough stuff they survive a lot of warfare.
Satan: And a few bribes means instant defense and a look toward Kazan. Look, the spies have spotted the city of Quinsay on some swamp-infested island to the south. That should be buyable once Kazan falls. The only city left to find is the oddly-named Mongol city of Naples. Should be around there somewhere, and it has a nice pet name, methinks.
Sid: We shall indeed see. The response from the world at large is NOTHING. The English are now a republic, but that hardly matters. The Inner Circle takes great pains to insure that the new recruits are shown the way of things in Fanatica.
Satan: Such fun when the Inner Circle indulges. I see that Dexter is quite the chugger and has been timed at nearly 45 seconds at the keg tap. Anarchy has been giving everyone head butts, but is now so toasted that he is banging his head against a marble statue. Well see who wins that duel.
Sid: Hmm I see that Starlifter has been micromanaging some mixed drinks. He is taking great delight in these mixtures, and it would seem that these are deadly concoctions indeed. Forced to drink one of his own, he has now joined duke o york on a mooning spree across Olympia.
Satan: Ahh, such debauchery does my heart good.
Sid: Will they be prepared for 1865?
1865:
Sid: A smaller building phase nets the following:
Leeds = temple and starts aqueduct
Cambridge = market and starts aqueduct
Aleppo = sewer and starts freight
Athenae = stock exchange and starts superhighways
Mpondo = engineers and starts bank
Kabul = aqueduct and starts harbor
Cornmaster = bank and starts harbor
Hippoville = coal and starts superhighways
Leipzig = oil and starts stock exchange
Sid: A bit of Mongol cleanup it would seem with some howitzers getting rest as well.
Satan: Well, Kazan is not connected by roads, so there will have to be some healthy howitzers to attack. It will happen soon, you can bet on it.
Sid: Around the pitch, The UFS Dell makes it safely to Lutetia and starts repairs as the UFS Marlbrough enters Roman waters nearby. What of the rest of the navy, Satan?
Satan: The Ren and the York are languishing in Cambridge right now. They are making forays into nearby waters but always return. Theres no need to have these ships out causing unhappiness so the sailors are taking advantage of the easy women purported to be in Cambridge.
Sid: And the UFS Spice?
Satan: That cruiser is hanging out in Khanbalyk. The former Mongol women are not very attractive there, so they are taking the time for extra target practice on wandering partisans. They are trying to stay within a city as well to allay the crybaby democratic citizens.
Sid: All well and good, and it looks like a new city has been built.
Satan: Yeah, I thought Kev would do this. Viroconim Island has lots of open area and should be easy to colonize. Dexterport will likely be the first of three or four cities here. Makes sense, I guess, but I hate all of those happy faces.
Sid: I know youll like this: the Roman campaign is back in gear.
Satan: Excellent. Our sources are calling this campaign by the Fanatics Operation Italian Ice. It looks like Neapolis is the next victim, and the city opens it its gates faster than hell after a mob hit.
Sid: The Fanatics get 242 gold and a city with city walls, a coastal fortress, bank, and colosseum. However, a cease fire is gained by the Romans.
Satan: A mere delay. It just gives Kev a chance to solidify his position. It looks like Rome is to be the next target.
Sid: And sure enough, no counter-attack by the Romans. An English destroyer is seen outside of Ohs Well, but that should not be a problem.
Satan: Hey, check out the Mongol units south of Kerman. Dollars to donuts that youll find Naples there.
Sid: Perhaps well see in 1866.
Sid: Welcome back Civ fans to the second round of the Civ World Cup. Im your play-by-play announcer Sid Meier, and we have an exciting match in store for you. IF you recall, the first round was all United Fanatica those projectile sports playing and at times projectile vomiting young batch of civvers. It was the lackluster German team that lost out the most all of their cities, in fact, as they now belong to the Fanatics. Who will be able to stop this juggernaut? With my previous color commentator, God, now out and about answering some prayers, my new sidekick is none another than Satan
Satan: Please to me you. Hope you get my name.
Sid: Well Satan, what can you tell me about this Fanatica team and the competition it now faces.
Satan: Well, Sid, if I didnt know any better, I would think that these Fanatics had made a deal with ME. Right now, the only civilizations still left on this map are the Mongols, the Romans, the Zulus, and the English.
Sid: And how does each of these look to fare?
Satan: The Mongols are a non-issue. With five or so cities and a weak-minded leader in Genghis, Id say they are about done. I think well see Fanatica bust them down to a single city and do something I enjoy: toy with them like a cat with a wounded mouse.
Sid: Conjures up a lovely image there, Satan. What of the Romans?
Satan: Livia has been providing technology for the rest of the world for a while now. With a decent force ready to move, the Fanatics will concentrate on this civ in the coming years. There should be plenty of death and destruction here. Mwahahahaha.
Sid: Yes, Im sure well all enjoy that. The English are looking like a decent foe for the Fanatics, arent they?
Satan: Yeah, they have a decent amount of cities and have put together some cash reserves while in their lousy, religious Fundamentalist government. I think that President Kev will play some defense with the tea-drinkers and concentrate on the Romans and toying with the Mongols. Rest assured, as more machines of death [i.e. howitzers] come into the picture, when the Fanatics want to crush the English, they will with very little resistance.
Sid: And that would leave the Zulus.
Satan: Yeah, Shaka really has his troops ready to go. Sid, the world aint exactly awash in green if you know what Im sayin. I mean it was just a few turns ago that they got electricity. If it werent for the other civs GIVING them technology, theyd still be riding elephants instead of only just having sex with them like they do now.
Sid: Yes, a very colorful commentary indeed. I see that we are ready to begin, so lets see where the game takes us
1863:
Sid: With some new orders, it would seem that President Kev is attempting some micromanaging and rush building.
Satan: Smart move, though it was never that goody-goody Kevs strong point. Hes picked up some additional advisors who seem to have some brains. Should make the devastation of the other civilizations all the more complete.
Sid: Speaking of which, it would seem that the Fanatica Senate is going to allow a sneak attack at the Mongol city of Shangtu.
Satan: With four howitzers, these last few Mongols cities should fold quicker than a virgin playing strip poker.
Sid: So it would seem. Shangtu falls to the Fanatics and they receive 235 gold along with a marketplace improvement. And whats this? The war is allowed to continue.
Satan: A bold move to ignore that whipping boy of theirs, Genghis. They can now clean up the partisans and keep an eye on the next city that they have so nicely connected with rails.
Sid: With some spies, I know that there were thoughts of bribing these cities, but with the new capital at nearby Kazan, they were quite pricey.
Satan: And would cause less destruction and chaos as well! Anyway, a single bribed partisan can now guard the newly acquired city, and Kev can look to put the money elsewhere.
Sid: Yes, there has been a lot of work going into aqueducts, harbors, sewers, and the like.
Satan: It drives me NUTS, but Fanatica is so happy I wanna PUKE. I guess they are trying to make sure theres enough room for all those cute widdle babies or something. Yuck.
Sid: Well, heres something that should make you feel better. The UFS Marlbrough has left Kabul and is now heading toward Roman territory.
Satan: Yes. The Fanatica navy has sent many ships to their graves, and not a single ship has been lost.
Sid: To put the exclamation on that, the UFS Dell sinks a Roman sub, but needs to find a place for repairs.
Satan: FUN. It should make it to Lutetia without much ado, but Id like to see the Romans try something. At least make it interesting.
Sid: Something interesting indeed as a Fanatica transport is now heading toward Roman territories and it looks stocked.
Satan: Fun in a jar right there. It has 6 howies, a spy and marines. Looks like a foothold is about to be established and theres more in Lugdunum waiting to join in as well.
Sid: Well, in other news, UF spies have spotted the Mongol target I mean CITY of Kerman. Another spy leaves in a transport to find Mongol cities that are not on the map as of yet.
Satan: Its like an Easter egg hunt of death. And Im not very sorry for the sacrilege.
Sid: The counters by the civs involved look rather weak.
Satan: Yes, the English finally realize that gravity is keeping them on the planet and they then overthrow their government. Always happens to those Fundy governments once science and technology get involved.
Sid: Well, the Romans look aggressive at least.
Satan: So does a dog when it chases a moving car. I mean, how dopey can they be? They have sent a cruiser at the UFS Dell and it died. They then think it a very good idea to attack the Dell with a WOODEN frigate. Guess what. DEAD. They send an ironclad at the city of Becka-Becka which they KNOW has a coastal fortress. DEAD. The only thing they get done is killing some engineers near Lutetia with a destroyer. This just makes that ship a target. Oh well, at least I got to say DEAD a lot.
1864:
Sid: The building phase of this year is huge.
Satan: Yup. That rush building has produced many an item for Fanatica.
Sid: Well, here we go.
Bokhara = aqueduct and starts sewer
Nanking = harbor and starts sewer
Gloucester = engineers and starts temple
Renmark = market and starts aqueduct
St. Leowind = oil and starts aqueduct
Spice Haven = aqueduct and starts sewer
Becka-Becka = sewer and starts bank
Kevholm = sewer and starts bank
Koningsberg = mass transit and starts howitzer
Hamburg = sewer and starts temple
Lutetia = temple and starts engineers
Dukeshire = market and starts sewer
Xinjian = aqueduct and starts market
Lugdunum = market and starts harbor
Heidelberg = sewer and bank
Unknown City = sewer and starts harbor
Munich = sewer and starts temple
Spycatcher = collosseum and starts a port facility
Dreadtown = Manufacturing plant and starts stock exchange
Olympia = collosseum and starts supermarket
Karakorum = temple and starts harbor.
Satan: Is that enough for you? Wow. And in Karakorum a defender pops in from Nishapur. It should be safe now. Lets get to war!
Sid: No need to delay, the transport has arrived at Veii and the howitzers are ready for action.
Satan: Three defenders in Veii. With the howitzers, they die quicker than mosquitoes in a bug zapper and just as brutally I might add. To make things extra nice, the Dell sinks the nearby Roman destroyer.
Sid: Yes, I thought you WOULD add that. The Fanatics get172 gold, a market, and an aqueduct. And YES, they are given the mandate for further peacekeeping.
Satan: Clean-up time. The transport lands with defense for the city (marines), defense against tech stealing (spy), and some extra howies to remove the partisans that have appeared. Quite the frothy spectacle.
Sid: Yes, you could describe it that way. And it would seem that Kerman, the Mongol city, is now on the chopping block as well.
Satan: Yeah. With some spies to make a chain in front of some Mongol units, the city falls without much of a fight. Sort of like a drunk sorority girl.
Sid: The fanatics receive 165 gold for their efforts along with another market. Boy, those marketplaces are tough stuff they survive a lot of warfare.
Satan: And a few bribes means instant defense and a look toward Kazan. Look, the spies have spotted the city of Quinsay on some swamp-infested island to the south. That should be buyable once Kazan falls. The only city left to find is the oddly-named Mongol city of Naples. Should be around there somewhere, and it has a nice pet name, methinks.
Sid: We shall indeed see. The response from the world at large is NOTHING. The English are now a republic, but that hardly matters. The Inner Circle takes great pains to insure that the new recruits are shown the way of things in Fanatica.
Satan: Such fun when the Inner Circle indulges. I see that Dexter is quite the chugger and has been timed at nearly 45 seconds at the keg tap. Anarchy has been giving everyone head butts, but is now so toasted that he is banging his head against a marble statue. Well see who wins that duel.
Sid: Hmm I see that Starlifter has been micromanaging some mixed drinks. He is taking great delight in these mixtures, and it would seem that these are deadly concoctions indeed. Forced to drink one of his own, he has now joined duke o york on a mooning spree across Olympia.
Satan: Ahh, such debauchery does my heart good.
Sid: Will they be prepared for 1865?
1865:
Sid: A smaller building phase nets the following:
Leeds = temple and starts aqueduct
Cambridge = market and starts aqueduct
Aleppo = sewer and starts freight
Athenae = stock exchange and starts superhighways
Mpondo = engineers and starts bank
Kabul = aqueduct and starts harbor
Cornmaster = bank and starts harbor
Hippoville = coal and starts superhighways
Leipzig = oil and starts stock exchange
Sid: A bit of Mongol cleanup it would seem with some howitzers getting rest as well.
Satan: Well, Kazan is not connected by roads, so there will have to be some healthy howitzers to attack. It will happen soon, you can bet on it.
Sid: Around the pitch, The UFS Dell makes it safely to Lutetia and starts repairs as the UFS Marlbrough enters Roman waters nearby. What of the rest of the navy, Satan?
Satan: The Ren and the York are languishing in Cambridge right now. They are making forays into nearby waters but always return. Theres no need to have these ships out causing unhappiness so the sailors are taking advantage of the easy women purported to be in Cambridge.
Sid: And the UFS Spice?
Satan: That cruiser is hanging out in Khanbalyk. The former Mongol women are not very attractive there, so they are taking the time for extra target practice on wandering partisans. They are trying to stay within a city as well to allay the crybaby democratic citizens.
Sid: All well and good, and it looks like a new city has been built.
Satan: Yeah, I thought Kev would do this. Viroconim Island has lots of open area and should be easy to colonize. Dexterport will likely be the first of three or four cities here. Makes sense, I guess, but I hate all of those happy faces.
Sid: I know youll like this: the Roman campaign is back in gear.
Satan: Excellent. Our sources are calling this campaign by the Fanatics Operation Italian Ice. It looks like Neapolis is the next victim, and the city opens it its gates faster than hell after a mob hit.
Sid: The Fanatics get 242 gold and a city with city walls, a coastal fortress, bank, and colosseum. However, a cease fire is gained by the Romans.
Satan: A mere delay. It just gives Kev a chance to solidify his position. It looks like Rome is to be the next target.
Sid: And sure enough, no counter-attack by the Romans. An English destroyer is seen outside of Ohs Well, but that should not be a problem.
Satan: Hey, check out the Mongol units south of Kerman. Dollars to donuts that youll find Naples there.
Sid: Perhaps well see in 1866.