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PETA commandos kill 49 rescue rabbit.

Discussion in 'Humor & Jokes' started by NINJABOO, Apr 29, 2005.

  1. NINJABOO

    NINJABOO Chieftain

    Joined:
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    Location:
    North Carolina
    This is really funny. I was litterally rolling on the floor laughing when I first read this. This is the original text but I'll just paste it here for everyone.


    NORFOLK, VA--In what has been dubbed the most "devastating and brutal siege in the history of animal-rights activism," an elite, paramilitary squad of commandos from People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals (PETA) attacked and killed 49 employees at Couture Cosmetics' Norfolk, VA, research facility while saving a rabbit during a daring midnight raid Monday.


    Above: An elite squad of PETA commandos rescues a floppy-eared rabbit (center) from Couture Cosmetics' Norfolk, VA, facility. Forty-nine researchers were executed in the raid.
    "Never in my life, not even during my tour of duty in Korea, have I seen such carnage," tearstruck Couture CEO Herman Frankel said, surveying the carnage. "My God, what will I tell the families of the victims of this massacre?"

    According to the handful of survivors of the raid, Couture workers were first immobilized by gunshot wounds to the knees before being shot execution-style in the back of the head. PETA officials assured that no animals were harmed during the destruction of the complex.

    The rabbit, a floppy-eared, speckled gray longhair with an adorable pink nose, was being used by Couture as part of an eyeshadow-allergy research project at the time of the rescue.

    "Look at the cute bunny," said PETA commando Shirley "No Mercy" Dorn, a Norfolk-area petcare volunteer and leader of the PETA strike force. Lovingly cradling the rescued rabbit as she walked past the charred and dismembered bodies of its captors, she added, "Look at his nose! Look at his nose!"

    In addition to the 49 executed, some 150 other animal researchers were savagely beaten. "They're lucky they escaped with their lives," PETA field marshall Donna "Skull" Saunders said. "Those who survived with only severed limbs got off too easily. They were probably putting itchy-powder in Flopsy's big, beautiful eyes."

    Adressing the rabbit, Saunders continued: "Who's got a little powder-puff tail? Who? Who? Oh, yes, you do! Oh, yes, you have a furry little puffy-tail!"

    She then fed the rabbit a carrot, causing its adorable pink nose to wiggle up and down, up and down as it chewed, making cute little chewy-faces.

    In a statement released Tuesday, Couture Cosmetics maintained that, though the rabbit in question was being used for research purposes, the company has adhered to a strict "cruelty-free" policy since 1992, and that the rabbit was "at no time subjected to any pain or discomfort."


    Above: The aftermath of a 1995 PETA raid on a Gillette testing laboratory.
    "That old line? Don't try handing us that," Saunders said in response. "Those filthy barbarians probably were sticking Mr. Bunny with needles and all sorts of things. They were human garbage who got exactly what they deserved: swift, merciless extermination at the hands of trained professionals." Turning her attention to the rabbit, she added, "Didn't they? Didn't they?"

    In addition to liberating the rabbit, PETA commandos seized an office-cubicle plaque with a picture of a panda bear and the words, "I Hate Mondays."

    "Look at Mr. Panda-Tummy," PETA operative Warren "Death's Head" Pleth said, holding the plaque. "Look at Mr. Fatty-Fat Panda Man."

    An attempt by the families of the Couture Cosmetics victims to bury their loved ones was met with equally savage resistance from PETA commandos, who strafed the mass funeral procession with machine-gun fire before spraying the cemetery with explosive flaming phosphorous gel, scattering the assembled mourners and killing seven.

    "The holes they were digging in the ground threatened to disturb the habitat of a native population of moles," an official PETA statement read, "Moley moley, mole mole. Are you a little digger? Oh, yes, you are!"

    On Tuesday, PETA officials supervised the rabbit's release back into the wild where, within minutes, it was chased down, torn to pieces and fully devoured by a fox.

    Despite the extreme cruelty of the fox attack, PETA officials have no plans to take action against the animal. "Foxes are lovable furry forest friends," PETA president Joy MacInnis said. "Not like the hairless, human, animal-hating scum who so richly deserve to get their skulls smashed in with the back end of an automatic weapon."

    :lol:
     
  2. ~Corsair#01~

    ~Corsair#01~ Chieftain

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    :lol: Great stuff.
     
  3. Betrayed

    Betrayed The eye of the wolf...

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    I'm right here...
    Indeed. :rotfl:
     
  4. The Person

    The Person Deity +2

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    I really hope this isn't true, as it is highly disturbing.
     
  5. Yom

    Yom Re-ese Mekwanint

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    Axum
    Of course it's not.


    It's hilarious. :lol: :rotfl:
     
  6. Sparta

    Sparta Chieftain

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    Wasn't this originally an Onion article?

    Either way, definitely hilarious.
     
  7. Yuri2356

    Yuri2356 Test Screening

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    :rotfl:
    The sudden transition from hardcore to cutesey is always hilarious.
     
  8. NINJABOO

    NINJABOO Chieftain

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    Yeah, It was an onion article. Got it off of a People Eating Tasty Animals website. If I ever find more I'll post em'
     
  9. The Person

    The Person Deity +2

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    Lot's of true things are hilarious as well.

    It seemed too overdone to be true, and that's apparently how it is. I see the humor in it, but for some reason I can't seem to get a good laugh from this.
     
  10. Yuri2356

    Yuri2356 Test Screening

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    It's proably because you know that some animal-rights activists are actually stipid enough to considder doing something like this, like in all those Zombie movies that start with a bunch of people trying to free the poor tortured ape that's infected with a disease that could whipe out the entire planet. (ie 28 Days later, in which the scientist quite clearly tells the hippies that the animals are infected, and is promptly smacked over the head with an AK)
     
  11. Ryu_Senshi

    Ryu_Senshi Chieftain

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    ok, 1 rabbit is more important the the lives of 49 humas...this is why i hate PETA
     
  12. blindside

    blindside formerly god

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    dotdotdot

    :cry:



    (its a joke)
     
  13. DBear

    DBear unbeliever

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    The best satire is that which is based on the truth.

    I can EASILY see PETA doing this.

    They should be locked up. :jail:
     

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