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Please Read This Story

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by tombeef, Mar 22, 2006.

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What dd you think of the story?

  1. Great, enjoyable read!

    1 vote(s)
    6.7%
  2. Good

    5 vote(s)
    33.3%
  3. Mediocre

    2 vote(s)
    13.3%
  4. Bad

    1 vote(s)
    6.7%
  5. Poor, could barely finish it.

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  6. I'm illiterate.

    6 vote(s)
    40.0%
  1. tombeef

    tombeef King

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    Feb 5, 2006
    Messages:
    838
    OK, someone I know wrote this story and they asked me to "spread it out, and try to get some critique." I figured I could start here. Anyways, it's short and simple, but I would appreciate it if someone could read it and give any thoughts or ideas. It should remain a short story.

    I would be surprised if I got five responses, and truly thank anyone who takes the time to read and critique this.
     

    Attached Files:

  2. Hitro

    Hitro Feistus Raclettus

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    Can you convert it to some other format?
     
  3. tombeef

    tombeef King

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    what format do you want?
     
  4. Hitro

    Hitro Feistus Raclettus

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    Hmm, LaTeX?
     
  5. tombeef

    tombeef King

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    do you want a .txt file? Doesn't almost everyone use word?
     
  6. tombeef

    tombeef King

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    Sorry, am I missing a joke? My brains fried from all my exam cramming.
     
  7. Abaddon

    Abaddon Deity

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    Good- would you want me to pull at small parts? for instance, there is no need to say they are on the left and the right... a few words i admit, but they dont need to be there.

    also, the
    Spoiler :
    walet being in his front pocket sucks.
    noone could miss the fact its there! - also his death is poorly written...he didnt kill himself, he accidentally died due to mixing alcohol n drugs.. it needs rewording.. leave the reader wondering where the wallet was.
     
  8. Hitro

    Hitro Feistus Raclettus

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    Not really.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LaTeX

    Don't bother with converting it, though. It wouldn't be worth the effort. ;)
     
  9. tombeef

    tombeef King

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2006
    Messages:
    838
    Thanks for the critque.

    Anyways, everyone that has heard the story, including me, liked the wallet ending. It was an ironic twist. The fact that he thought he lost it contributed to his actions. Then, he finds out where it is, and he never needed to do what he did. I agree the death needs rewording.

    But, I appreciate your opinions, and will share them. Thank you for your time! Truly appreciated! :)
     
  10. tombeef

    tombeef King

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    Any other opinions out there?
     
  11. conquer_dude

    conquer_dude Imperial Slave

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    O i'M sori im iliteerit.

    Nah, the sotry is a little dull but it's also pretty good.
     
  12. tombeef

    tombeef King

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    Feb 5, 2006
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    So is it good? Any suggestions?
     
  13. Quentin

    Quentin King

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    I like the irony, but the writing wasn't really great.
     
  14. cairo140

    cairo140 2+2=5

    Joined:
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    Thornhill, Canada
    I took the story and pulled my regular editing job on it. It was a fun read, although some of the vocabulary and contruction was admittely juvenile, and the final twist at the end was preposterous. But it kept me hooked, and it was a very entertaining story, not like Dan Brown's works (although he is a pretty good writer).

    I have attached a file which has all the comprehensive editorial and editing/revising comments which I assembled. Good writing... keep it up!
     

    Attached Files:

  15. Stylesjl

    Stylesjl SOS Brigade Member

    Joined:
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    Australia
    That was pretty good

    Except the ending was a bit strange, could use a bit of rewording

    Also there was a grammer error at the start

    It should be: There seemed wrong with them instead of then
     
  16. tombeef

    tombeef King

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    Feb 5, 2006
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    Whoa, awesome, thank you so much!!! Incredible that you would take the time to edit it!!

    :) :) :) :)
     

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