Pop Culture Strategy Fails

[settlervstank]

Have you ever watched/played a movie/show/video game which had a bad guy who had a stupid plan or world domination/becoming God/getting rich? Or a good guy with a stupid plan to stop him/her/it? Well, you can rant about it here!

Let's start with the made for TV movie Princess Protection Program, made by Disney. I'm not in the movies intended demographic (elementary school girls), but I for some reason I watched it. Only recently did I realize that the plot was dumber than I thought. To make sure you get what I'm talking about if you didn't see the movie, read this.

Now on to the fails. First, Costa Luna is token over by this dictator guy from another country called Costa Estrella. Apparently, Costa Luna is a monarchy. Strange, if we are to assume that this takes place in the western hemisphere. Demi Lavato is a princess and is preparing for her coronation when this takes place. Luckily Mr. Deus Ex Machina rescues her from harm and brings her to the Batcave, which has been bought by this stupid organization that sends her to Louisiana. Excuse me, but WHERE THE HELL WAS THE MILITARY DURING ALL THIS? Are we to assume that Costa Luna has no armed forces? C'mon! Japan gave up the right to declare war, but at least it has a self defense force! At least have a guy with a slingshot! Notice that the bad guy wants to become king of Costa Luna. Why? He's already a dictator! He could just execute the queen, and conquer the nation! He doesn't need to marry anyone! In fact, he doesn't even need the princess! Demi states that Costa Luna is so small, bigger countries don't care about it. We could interpret this as "America, Germany, France, UK, etc. is not concerned," or "Costa Luna not represented in the United Nations General Assembly, nor is it recognized as a nation by any established nations." The latter can also be assumed for Costa Estrella. So Mr. Dictator can do whatever he wants, and nobody will care. And why did he invade anyway? To gain recognition from the rest of the world? We already established that the UN doesn't even care about either. He probably invaded Costa Luna for resources. That little island could have gallons of oil and natural gas, or tons of gold, iron, aluminum, silver, diamonds, coal, food, heck, or even uranium. For all we know, he could have invaded that island to make weapons of mass destruction. However, this plan would never work. Making nukes requires building nuclear reactors or isotope separation, which require knowledge in nuclear physics to do. Then, he would need to find a way to deliver the thing. His country probably doesn't have any long range bombers that can carry that type of payload, and a ballistic missile would require some rocket science to make. But let's say he somehow does all this. Now to tell the world. Bad idea. Once the UN finds you, they will attack with unparalleled force with such ferocity that will make even the Old Ones tremble. Okay, maybe I exaggerated, but they will be invaded or nuked themselves. If they didn't tell the world and nuked someone, it would start World War III. So, Demi didn't need the Princess Protection Program: she needed a military and a representative in the UN! The only reason she became queen was because of the bad guy's stupidity!

Then there's Sonic SatAM, with the "Freedom Fighters." Notice the quotation marks. Mainly because they're not very good at revolting. Sure, they fight. I can see that. But where's the other part? Where's the freedom? Why don't you guys actually free anyone? Well, maybe i should expect this from a resistance with only 8 or 12 members! The French Resistance had a lot more than that! You cant overthrow an oppressive government with only 8 or 12 people! You need an army! Face it, they're just "Furry Annoyances" to Robotnik. Speaking of Robotnik, why doesn't he make a robot that can actually exterminate Sonic? Without that blue hedgehog, the resistance is doomed!

Bowser had a good idea in Super Mario Galaxy. Making your own galaxy far away from Mario and the Mushroom Kingdom and ruling over it is a nice idea. Everybody would win, except the Lumas. But why did he need to kidnap Princess Peach? He should know by now that kidnapping Peach = Mario beating the ever loving crap out of you. If he just left Peach alone, his plan wold have worked.

That's enough from me. Your turn.

 

[Dumanios]

How about the Imperial Forces of Star Wars. One the one hand, one could say that they had an iron-grip on the galaxy with excellent soldiers and weapons, but let's get to that.

First, the Stormtroopers. Obi-wan says that they are accurate marksmen, but in the scene when Luke, Leia, Han and Chewie are having a shootout on the Death Star, not a single Imperial blast hits. The Stormtroopers are of course able to kill the rebel red-shirts, but not the heroes. We see this everywhere in the Original Trilogy. This even has a trope dedicated to it.

Second, the AT-AT. You'd think that from the way the rebels were acting, this would be an ultimate weapon or something. It hardly is. First of all, most fighting against the empire doesn't involve 30 story buildings. Second, the weapons are limited to a forward arc. Third, the AT-AT is about as slow as a snail. The only reason the AT-AT was so much trouble in Episode 5 was because Luke Skywalker flew his squadron in the only pattern where the AT-AT could score kills. The Republican predecessor was a better weapon.

Third, the AT-ST. These little brothers of the AT-AT are also limited to a forward arc but are mildly fast, however, a log is able to take these out. Comparatively, if a log hit an Abrams tank, it would leave a dent, at most.

Fourth, Imperial Fighters. The TIE Fighters and Bombers were unable to go into hyperspace, which meant they needed a parent ship to hold them when they needed refueling, comparatively, the Rebel Fighters were able to go into hyperspace. It took later models of the Tie fighter (IE the Tie Advanced, TIE Phantom, etc) to gain an ability the rebels had.

Fifth, Star Destroyers. Sure they are probably the best weapon of the Empire, but the Star Destroyers have a crippling flaw. They are too big and weak. If a rebelling ground army has say, an Ion Cannon, these visible from the ground monsters would be easy targets for the Ion Cannon and potentially destroy an entire invasion. And if a single fighter crashes into the control area, game over even for the Super Star Destroyers. As for the Eclipse that was seen in Empire at War: Forces of Corruption, the Empire was never able to use it. Tyber Zann stole the ship and used it's super laser on every Star Destroyer and Alliance ship he could, even the SSD when the laser was usable again.

Sixth, the Death Star. Though it was able to destroy planets, it had several things wrong with it. One of course, was the exhaust hatch. Another was the lack of hand-rails. We can assume that Stormtroopers and even Officiers and Admirals are expendable, but if say, Thrawn or Darth Vader fall down one, the Empire would be much weaker and the Rebellion would be laughing. Third, the Garbage Disposal. There is a door to the Trash Compacter. Why?!

 

[Plotinus]

Bowser, Peach, and Mario are clearly indulging in rather sordid role-playing behaviour which we needn't dwell on here. On this hypothesis, the dialogue in those games becomes a lot more interesting.

There's a whole genre of poking holes in the plot of Star wars - start with the entire oeuvre of Kevin Smith and go on from there.

The reason why plots involving bad guys with plots to take over the world or heroes with plans to stop them are always basically stupid is that these sorts of things don't happen in real life. If they did, they wouldn't happen in that way. This is just part of the general point that films aren't real and the things that happen in them could never really happen, whether it's a super-villain holding the world to ransom or a taxi that pulls up exactly when you need it, can park exactly where you need to go, and accepts whatever note you have in your wallet as payment.

Also, "fail" is not a noun. It is a verb. The noun is "failure". You're welcome.

 

[Kyriakos]

I dont mind all of these, since i dont pay attention to pop culture.

But when the good vs evil motif appears in work which was supposed to be something better than that, and in fact makes a mockery of that work, then i do mind.
An example of that is the second half of the Dunwitch horror. I love the first part- surely it is not without its flaws, but it seems very interesting to me: it would appear that anyone who has sunk enough inside the ocean of literature or philosophy can find something to sympathise with Wilbour.

But the second half, the part that begins with Wilbour's death, is in my view a non deliberate farce, which ruins the story utterly.
There you have some people who actually try to go against Yog Sothoth, as if Yog Sothoth is something that people could go against (i note here that in the call of Cthulhu again we see a being from other dimensions being pushed back by human action, but in Yog-Sothoth's case it is a lot more evident that this is a fight between good and evil, and of heroes against a monster).
So, if i recall correctly, some chemicals are thrown into the son of Yog-Sothoth, and after some struggle he is sent back into the abyss from which he came.

This dissapointed me. It reminded me of Descartes' downgrading the gods of greek mythology so as to upgrade the chirstian god, only here Lovecraft downgraded his own mythology by having a ludicrous battle between people and something akeen to a god

 

[settlervstank]

Bowser, Peach, and Mario are clearly indulging in rather sordid role-playing behaviour which we needn't dwell on here. On this hypothesis, the dialogue in those games becomes a lot more interesting.

There's a whole genre of poking holes in the plot of Star wars - start with the entire oeuvre of Kevin Smith and go on from there.

The reason why plots involving bad guys with plots to take over the world or heroes with plans to stop them are always basically stupid is that these sorts of things don't happen in real life. If they did, they wouldn't happen in that way. This is just part of the general point that films aren't real and the things that happen in them could never really happen, whether it's a super-villain holding the world to ransom or a taxi that pulls up exactly when you need it, can park exactly where you need to go, and accepts whatever note you have in your wallet as payment.

Also, "fail" is not a noun. It is a verb. The noun is "failure". You're welcome.

Role playing...

Um, you keep thinking that.

And on the internet, "fail" can be used as a noun, as in That video game was an epic fail." Now you know.

And knowing is half the battle!

GI Joooooooooooooooe!

 

[Shekwan]

Let's start with the made for TV movie Princess Protection Program, made by Disney. I'm not in the movies intended demographic (elementary school girls), but I for some reason I watched it.

Out of interest, what "demographic" are you in?

 

[Traitorfish]

Fourth, Imperial Fighters. The TIE Fighters and Bombers were unable to go into hyperspace, which meant they needed a parent ship to hold them when they needed refueling, comparatively, the Rebel Fighters were able to go into hyperspace. It took later models of the Tie fighter (IE the Tie Advanced, TIE Phantom, etc) to gain an ability the rebels had.

I'm not sure about this one- to me, it reasonable reflects the differences in tactics used by each faction: the rebels tended towards guerilla warfare and hit-and-run attacks, while the Empire treat their armies like a sledgehammer. As such, the former are more independent and equipped for longer-distance travel with less supporting infrastructure, while the latter are designed to be part of a grand blitzkrieg. After all, I imagine a hyperdrive is quite expensive, so, while the rebels may plan to use it enough to get their money's worth, for the Empire it would, 99% of the time, be a financial (and literal) dead weight.

(God, I'm a dork.)

 

[Dachs]

How about the Imperial Forces of Star Wars. One the one hand, one could say that they had an iron-grip on the galaxy with excellent soldiers and weapons, but let's get to that.

First, the Stormtroopers. Obi-wan says that they are accurate marksmen, but in the scene when Luke, Leia, Han and Chewie are having a shootout on the Death Star, not a single Imperial blast hits. The Stormtroopers are of course able to kill the rebel red-shirts, but not the heroes. We see this everywhere in the Original Trilogy. This even has a trope dedicated to it.

Funny how the stormtroopers weren't actually supposed to kill the Rebels on the Death Star - they were supposed to let them escape in order to track them to Yavin 4. And how, on Bespin, the stormtroopers were again supposed to let the Rebels escape to the Falcon so that Vader would get another shot at capturing Luke.

Compare with the Battle of Hoth, where the stormtroopers rolled over prepared Rebel defenses despite Rebel air superiority and development of tailored antiarmor tactics.

Second, the AT-AT. You'd think that from the way the rebels were acting, this would be an ultimate weapon or something. It hardly is. First of all, most fighting against the empire doesn't involve 30 story buildings. Second, the weapons are limited to a forward arc. Third, the AT-AT is about as slow as a snail. The only reason the AT-AT was so much trouble in Episode 5 was because Luke Skywalker flew his squadron in the only pattern where the AT-AT could score kills. The Republican predecessor was a better weapon.

Well, the AT-AT wasn't designed to be used independently of support units, and the AT-TE was.

Third, the AT-ST. These little brothers of the AT-AT are also limited to a forward arc but are mildly fast, however, a log is able to take these out. Comparatively, if a log hit an Abrams tank, it would leave a dent, at most.

I'll chalk part of that up to Lucas being the director instead of Irvin Kershner.

Fifth, Star Destroyers. Sure they are probably the best weapon of the Empire, but the Star Destroyers have a crippling flaw. They are too big and weak. If a rebelling ground army has say, an Ion Cannon, these visible from the ground monsters would be easy targets for the Ion Cannon and potentially destroy an entire invasion.

The only case of that happening is the Imperial I- class Tyrant, which was disabled by a weapon of unusual (for planetary ion cannons anyway) size and power. Also, I'm pretty sure that the Tyrant's commander was just incompetent and didn't have the shields up.

And if a single fighter crashes into the control area, game over even for the Super Star Destroyers.

Well, that was after a multi-hour engagement with several capital ships, which damaged a great deal of the Executor's shields. Later SSDs were redesigned with multiple auxiliary bridges - see Razor's Kiss, a KDY-manufactured vessel three years after Endor - to forestall a problem like the catastrophic loss of navigation control so close to the Death Star's gravity well.

As for the Eclipse that was seen in Empire at War: Forces of Corruption, the Empire was never able to use it. Tyber Zann stole the ship and used it's super laser on every Star Destroyer and Alliance ship he could, even the SSD when the laser was usable again.

An Eclipse-class vessel provided the centerpiece for a battle fleet that, six years after Endor, ended up annihilating much of the New Republic's Core and Inner Rim battle fleets. The Empire got a fair amount of use out of the class, though it was a relatively poor use of resources, I agree.

 

[Ajidica]

Khan is the best villain ever.
His only possible competitor are the Borg. (NOT the Borg Queen.)

Case closed.

If you want to tear apart a Star Wars movie, may I suggest Revenge of the Sith? I'm still pissed at Lucas for killing off Christopher Lee and replacing him with the 6 armed robot that sounded like an overacted Dracula ripoff. I mean come on! Just make Christopher Lee into some Sith Saruman and you are set.
I mean if Yoda couldn't kill Lee, than how could Anakin+Obi-Wan do it?

 

[Dachs]

I mean if Yoda couldn't kill Lee, than how could Anakin+Obi-Wan do it?

Presumably because Anakin and Obi-Wan don't have to worry about leaving Anakin and Obi-Wan to die.

 

[Ajidica]

But Yoda is still the supreme master. Considering Dukoo (or however you spell his name) was focusing solely on Yoda, it would have been a full on battle.

I'm still bummed Lucas had to kill Lee off.

 

[Dachs]

But Yoda is still the supreme master. Considering Dukoo (or however you spell his name) was focusing solely on Yoda, it would have been a full on battle.

Don't you remember how the duel on Geonosis ended? Dooku pulls down the pillar and Yoda has to stop fighting so he can save Anakin and Obi-Wan from being crushed?

I'm still bummed Lucas had to kill Lee off.

I thought that it was an adequate comment on Grievous' generalship, or lack thereof, that the CIS died pretty much as soon as he ended up in charge.

 

[Ajidica]

Don't you remember how the duel on Geonosis ended? Dooku pulls down the pillar and Yoda has to stop fighting so he can save Anakin and Obi-Wan from being crushed?

I forgot about that part. I've tried very hard to purge the prequels from my mind. It is a sad thing that Attack of the Clones is probably the best one.

I thought that it was an adequate comment on Grievous' generalship, or lack thereof, that the CIS died pretty much as soon as he ended up in charge.

He still was given too much screen time.

 

[Dachs]

He still was given too much screen time.

Agreed. Star Wars nerds sometimes claim that he was more awesome in the Cartoon Network show, but the show sucked so badly that I have a hard time believing that. At least Stover made Dooku's death both make sense and be cool in the RotS novel.

 

[sophie]

Agreed. Star Wars nerds sometimes claim that he was more awesome in the Cartoon Network show, but the show sucked so badly that I have a hard time believing that. At least Stover made Dooku's death both make sense and be cool in the RotS novel.

What are you talking about? That show was awesome!

 

[Dachs]

I lost all faith in it when Obi-Wan and Durge had the speeder bike jousting match on Muunilinst.

 

[sophie]

I lost all faith in it when Obi-Wan and Durge had the speeder bike jousting match on Muunilinst.

ewwww yeah, that one was a bit...ridiculous. But I think on the whole it was an excellent series. Although I could be what one would call...a Tartakovsky fanboy, through and through.

 

[Takhisis]

Terminator 3 for completely screwing up the Terminator series. There's no way the T-X wouldn't have won without so many Deus ex Machinas happening all the time…

 

[Valka D'Ur]

Let's start with the made for TV movie Princess Protection Program, made by Disney. I'm not in the movies intended demographic (elementary school girls), but I for some reason I watched it. Only recently did I realize that the plot was dumber than I thought.

You expected a logical plot in a Disney movie?

You cant overthrow an oppressive government with only 8 or 12 people! You need an army!

Oh, nonsense, of course you can. It always worked on Doctor Who...

 

[Takhisis]

You expected a logical plot in a Disney movie?

Well, Disney stuff once had at least some sort of an internal logic…