holy king
Deity
hi, i've been working on a trilogy of novels and i though i put an excerpt up on cfc and see what people think about it.
constructive criticism, please.
"hahahahha, you're in love with what?", tom said, then put on a more serious face again and began stroking his sarcastic beard, in a manner as if he was thinking about something very hard.
still struck by tom's initial reaction -and that although i had anticipated it anyway - i felt blood rush into my head as the conversational pause kept dragging on.
he's thinking about how i have sex with her.
"it's... complicated", i said, rushingly and avoiding eye contact.
i felt as if i was about to slip into unconscoiusness by then. tom still had not said a word.
suddenly he turned his head, lowered it to the floor and began to evacuate his stomach contents vigorously.
onion rings and sweet chestnuts.
i, too, felt a bit more reliefed again upon this faux pax, started breathing easier again as i noticed the maitre d' watching our table in agony.
"what the hell is going on here?, he screamed, rushing towards us, wagging a bottle of champagne like a medieval weapon.
tom, his stomach empty and business done by now, jumped up and tried to disarm the hotel staff member.
during the ensuing brawl they both came to fall down, and as, during the struggle, the maitre d's ear reached tom's mouth i could see it. he whispered something into his ear.
he told him. he freaking told him.
the fight immediately stopped. the maitre d' got up, hastily cleaned himself of the worst vomit particles his uniform had just picked up while he had been rolling through the pool of former food tom had left there minutes earlier, then stopped and began to stare at me.
"you do WHAT?" he screamed, his head as red as a rose.
i was still sitting on my chair, unable to move, unable to think.
tom, how could you tell a stranger?
still, the maitre d' was some kind of official figures, and you do answer such people if they ask you a question.
"I... I'm in love with a reverse mermaid. actually i've been in a relationship with one for the past 3 and a half months."
3 and a half moths, 2 days and 14 hours.
"it's not always been easy. but we're working on any difficulties that arise on the grounds of our anatomical differences. and frankly, now that it's out, i dont care about what you think any more.
i'm in love with francesca and the world and their looks wont stop us from doing anything. ANYTHING"
anything.
i felt relieved.
constructive criticism, please.
"hahahahha, you're in love with what?", tom said, then put on a more serious face again and began stroking his sarcastic beard, in a manner as if he was thinking about something very hard.
still struck by tom's initial reaction -and that although i had anticipated it anyway - i felt blood rush into my head as the conversational pause kept dragging on.
he's thinking about how i have sex with her.
"it's... complicated", i said, rushingly and avoiding eye contact.
i felt as if i was about to slip into unconscoiusness by then. tom still had not said a word.
suddenly he turned his head, lowered it to the floor and began to evacuate his stomach contents vigorously.
onion rings and sweet chestnuts.
i, too, felt a bit more reliefed again upon this faux pax, started breathing easier again as i noticed the maitre d' watching our table in agony.
"what the hell is going on here?, he screamed, rushing towards us, wagging a bottle of champagne like a medieval weapon.
tom, his stomach empty and business done by now, jumped up and tried to disarm the hotel staff member.
during the ensuing brawl they both came to fall down, and as, during the struggle, the maitre d's ear reached tom's mouth i could see it. he whispered something into his ear.
he told him. he freaking told him.
the fight immediately stopped. the maitre d' got up, hastily cleaned himself of the worst vomit particles his uniform had just picked up while he had been rolling through the pool of former food tom had left there minutes earlier, then stopped and began to stare at me.
"you do WHAT?" he screamed, his head as red as a rose.
i was still sitting on my chair, unable to move, unable to think.
tom, how could you tell a stranger?
still, the maitre d' was some kind of official figures, and you do answer such people if they ask you a question.
"I... I'm in love with a reverse mermaid. actually i've been in a relationship with one for the past 3 and a half months."
3 and a half moths, 2 days and 14 hours.
"it's not always been easy. but we're working on any difficulties that arise on the grounds of our anatomical differences. and frankly, now that it's out, i dont care about what you think any more.
i'm in love with francesca and the world and their looks wont stop us from doing anything. ANYTHING"
anything.
i felt relieved.
Spoiler a second excerpt :
Sorry to crush your hopes young fella, but you have a long way to go! (In a bag, to the bottom of the ocean, if your countrymen have any sense in them). 
