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Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by holy king, Jan 10, 2010.

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  1. holy king

    holy king Chieftain

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    hi, i've been working on a trilogy of novels and i though i put an excerpt up on cfc and see what people think about it.
    constructive criticism, please.


    "hahahahha, you're in love with what?", tom said, then put on a more serious face again and began stroking his sarcastic beard, in a manner as if he was thinking about something very hard.
    still struck by tom's initial reaction -and that although i had anticipated it anyway - i felt blood rush into my head as the conversational pause kept dragging on.
    he's thinking about how i have sex with her.
    "it's... complicated", i said, rushingly and avoiding eye contact.

    i felt as if i was about to slip into unconscoiusness by then. tom still had not said a word.
    suddenly he turned his head, lowered it to the floor and began to evacuate his stomach contents vigorously.
    onion rings and sweet chestnuts.
    i, too, felt a bit more reliefed again upon this faux pax, started breathing easier again as i noticed the maitre d' watching our table in agony.

    "what the hell is going on here?, he screamed, rushing towards us, wagging a bottle of champagne like a medieval weapon.
    tom, his stomach empty and business done by now, jumped up and tried to disarm the hotel staff member.
    during the ensuing brawl they both came to fall down, and as, during the struggle, the maitre d's ear reached tom's mouth i could see it. he whispered something into his ear.
    he told him. he freaking told him.

    the fight immediately stopped. the maitre d' got up, hastily cleaned himself of the worst vomit particles his uniform had just picked up while he had been rolling through the pool of former food tom had left there minutes earlier, then stopped and began to stare at me.
    "you do WHAT?" he screamed, his head as red as a rose.
    i was still sitting on my chair, unable to move, unable to think.
    tom, how could you tell a stranger?

    still, the maitre d' was some kind of official figures, and you do answer such people if they ask you a question.
    "I... I'm in love with a reverse mermaid. actually i've been in a relationship with one for the past 3 and a half months."
    3 and a half moths, 2 days and 14 hours.
    "it's not always been easy. but we're working on any difficulties that arise on the grounds of our anatomical differences. and frankly, now that it's out, i dont care about what you think any more.
    i'm in love with francesca and the world and their looks wont stop us from doing anything. ANYTHING"
    anything.
    i felt relieved.
























    Spoiler a second excerpt :
    the constant sound of the waves made this sound waves make, as i was wandering on the beach. i felt lonely.
    i stopped, turned, watched the foot prints i had imprinted in the sand with my feet. somewhere, maybe miles away a dog was barking a song of forsakenness.
    what was that? a body?
    something was lying there, about 10 or maybe 50 metres away, i couldnt quite get a good look at it, since the hawaian brass band that had been following me was standing in the way.
    they were playing a smooth love song.

    i had to know what this strange thing was. i made my way past the musicians. tommy, the funky drummer, got in my way, i knocked him to the floor, didnt look back, kept running.
    then there she lay.
    how beautiful, how sexy.
    i had never seen a thing of such beauty before. i knelt down. "hi, my name is frank", i said.
    "glmpf, glpmpf, hmpf", she answered, with a voice that sounded as if it belonged to aphrodite herself.
    "i, ... i like fish burgers", i continued.
    what the hell, "i like fish burgers"?
    i wanted to knock myself. rip out my stupid brain and smash i to the floor.
    but she just replied, with that angel-like voice again:"glmpf, frmpf, hgh."
    "i, i work as a toilet engineer at a big toilet company"
    "grmpf, hmpf, glg"
    then, i finally found the courage to say what i had been wanting to say all along.
    "you are the most beautiful creature i have ever seen in my life. and i have seen quite a lot of beautiful creatures, i can tell you"
    "glglg, hmrpf, krr"
    "would you mind if i kiss you?"
    her lips felt a bit fishy, but elsewise it was the most amazing kiss the world had ever witnessed.
    this feeling of love.
    i was shivering. my hand, as if moved by some greater force i couldnt quite control or understand, reached down between her

    <snip>

    "oh my god", tommy screamed. he and the band had been watching us all along. as i looked up i saw that most of them had their their back to us, only tommy was standing there
    a look of sheer terror on his face.
    "what the hell?", he kept going. "what the hell is wrong with you?"
    oh my god, what had i done?
    i got up, pulled my pants back up and started running away.
    away. just away. anywhere but here.
    i ran a lot. but when i finally stopped i realized i hadnt quite run away from this one name that had been imprinted in my brain.
    francesca.










     
  2. Joecoolyo

    Joecoolyo 99% Lightspeed

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    I see a Pulitzer Prize coming your way, holy king.
     
  3. Till

    Till Adventurer

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    I feel relieved that Austria is landlocked.
     
  4. useless

    useless Social Justice Rogue

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    what i dont even
     
  5. SS-18 ICBM

    SS-18 ICBM Oscillator

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    The next Twilight.
     
  6. Lillefix

    Lillefix I'm serious. You can.

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    How is as beard sarcastic?
     
  7. Shekwan

    Shekwan Kim Chi Quaffing Celt

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    Brilliant. Humour second only to Quackers' EU-Mediteranean thread.

    :lol: :goodjob:
     
  8. civverguy

    civverguy Chieftain

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    Do you have other excerpts?
     
  9. holy king

    holy king Chieftain

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    it's how the narrator feels about the beard in that instance.
     
  10. Lillefix

    Lillefix I'm serious. You can.

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    You don't think it's serious?

    This thing written by a countryman of your's is just as nonsencial in my opinion: :)

    riverrun, past Eve and Adams, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth, Castle and Environs.

    Sir Tristram, violer d'amores, fr'over the short sea, had passencore rearrived from North Armorica on this side the scraggy isthmus of Europe Minor to wielderfight his penisolate war; nor had topsawyer's rocks by the stream Oconee exaggerated themselse to Laurens County's giorgios while they went doublin their mumper all the time....
     
  11. Godwynn

    Godwynn March to the Sea

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    10/10
     
  12. TheLastOne36

    TheLastOne36 Chieftain

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    I'd buy it.
     
  13. Greizer85

    Greizer85 Chieftain

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    ...Don't they have restrictions to freedom of speech in Austria? I've seen fish vomit that's more aestethic than this, this... fish vomit. :vomit: Sorry to crush your hopes young fella, but you have a long way to go! (In a bag, to the bottom of the ocean, if your countrymen have any sense in them). :p
     
  14. Shekwan

    Shekwan Kim Chi Quaffing Celt

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    Well it is about a serious issue, that of reverse mermaid relationships. But the tone is humourous, like the waiter rushing in with brandishing champagne like a weapon shortly after Tom emptied his stomach contents in disgust at the idea of such relations.

    Whats that from? Ulysses?
     
  15. Lillefix

    Lillefix I'm serious. You can.

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    Far worse. Finnegans Wake.
     
  16. Shekwan

    Shekwan Kim Chi Quaffing Celt

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    Well I get it in that case. He was trying to portray the nonsensical ramblings of the average Irishman. As a publican, I can confirm this national character trait. I've heard a lot of crap in my time. Could also be why I feel so at home on this forum. :mischief:
     
  17. nonconformist

    nonconformist Miserable

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    This is the greatest piece of fiction I have read in a long time. I look forwards to your next installment.
     
  18. scherbchen

    scherbchen well that can´t be good

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    here I have been reading Austin, Coupland, and Gaiman all the time. thanks for rendering my life so far invalid.

    ....punk!
     
  19. Mise

    Mise isle of lucy

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    I'm 12 and what is this?
     
  20. jUmpSt0p

    jUmpSt0p Chieftain

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    are you translating this from Austrian or German?

    there are quite a few grammatical mistakes and mispellings in the English, I'm afraid. and just some odd sentence structuring as well.

    I would like to try and critique the substance of your story, but I'm afraid it's difficult, at the moment (I might be a little OCD when it comes to grammar! :p). are you wanting to publish in English, or is this just a translation for the benefit of posting here?
     
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