ROTQM04: Refrains of the Quatrain Mavens

Rex Tyrannus

280lbs of gross stupidity
Feb 22, 2006
Charlotte, NC USA
Vogon poetry is of course, the third worst in the universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their poet master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning" four of his audience died of internal haemorrhaging and the president of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. Grunthos was reported to have been "disappointed" by the poem's reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his 12-book epic entitled "My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles" when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save humanity, leapt straight up through his neck and throttled his brain. The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator, Paul Neil Milne Johnstone of Redbridge, in the destruction of the planet Earth. Vogon poetry is mild by comparison.

If you don't recognize the quote above, then this probably isn't the SG for you. (No offense. There are probably plenty of prettier SGs, anyway. Some with dotmaps even, maybe a nice arrangement of tactics, some almost entirely--but not quite--unlike successful historical reinactments with bits of bombs swooshing this way and that raining unhappiness and generally ruining a nice cup of tea for perfectly innocent spectators.) But I digress...

This is the fourth installment of the ROTQM series and follows our wild success in Return of the Quantum Monkeys. We are Vogons and the order has come in (in triplicate) that an insignificant out-of-the-way planet called Earth lies directly in the path of our new Hyperspace Super-Highway. Since Earth has had a galactic standard year to respond to the planning commission's decision--and meanwhile frolicked away its only chance at retaining livlihood watching cricket matches and speculating on chicken-and-egg precedence--it is our solemn duty to destroy the planet Earth.

However, in order to improve our public image as mindless, beurocratic, buffoons, the Commissioner of Vogon Cultural Affairs has decided that all official documents must, henceforth, be written as reflections of Vogon emotion in the form of poetry.

And that's where you come in. Vogon Constructor Fleet Seventy-Two is looking for aspiring poets for opportunity to earn good pay. Willingness to travel a must. No squeemish peacenicks, please. EOE. Member BBB, 1972. Please post resume (or CV) to this thread.

Game Terms:

Victory: We must win by conquest AND space victory on the same turn.
Leader: For decision by group.
Map Type: For decision by group.
Difficulty: For decision by group.

Roster: I will gauge interest before assigning roster spots. Certain people played a hand in this concept (primarilly Zophos) and should have an automatic entry if interested. Further Imhotep will be our poet laureate and will be able to play/post as he sees fit. All poetry debates are for him to decide.

All reports must be poetic (badly poetic). Despite the title, the meter, rhyme, structure, etc. are entirely up to the reporter.

Obviously, as many Hitchhiker references as you can squeeze in, the better.

Signing out,
Prostetnic Vogon Rex
well, heck ~

i will take a spot if one is needed,
but would rather see some new blood first

all the new faces will be greeted
with poetry that ranges from worse to worst

[OOC: i'll play if you need one more person, but want to see newbies take up the coin]
but i'd rather let new blood into the game first. I'll see what happens.
Ohh, here I am with a pain in my left dinodes
And my brain is the size of a planet
It hurts just to try thinking in human mode
They even say that my poetry doesn't scan-it.

[occ: any silly slots open? put me down as a reserve - too many SGs not enough time]
lurker's comment:
I will lurk
in best Vogon style
While gators crest
Along the Nile

As Pharoahs work
To build their tombs
They doth do best
To seal their doom

EDIT: So, um, are we going to get a lot of Pics of Zooey Deschanel in this thread too :groucho:
In a tunnel long and without light
a bright spot
finally a sg open to set life right

If you will have new blood willing to the cause
I am ready to stand amongst the ranks of giants
Great, so far we have...

Pholk: waiting to allow new players in (admirable)
Ruff: part time vogon
Chrth: lurker
Stuge: fully-qualified air-lock guard third class "Resistance is useless!"
Pigswill: status unknown
Ozzy: chief crab smasher

Soon, have our due
our Spok-i-tudinal genesis
certain the crew
Stuge, Rex, and Ozbenn(esis)

Pick now our variables
difficulty and leader
Is Zooey Deschanel marriables?
She'd be an awfully fun breeder!
Bah hum bug, a part time vogon leaves me flat
Our leader must be mean
It would help if they wore a silly hat
But most importantly, their CIV colour must be GREEN!

[OCC] Remember: You must weave in references to the trilogy in 5 parts!
War we will try,
though we Vogons be mortal
the Monkeys did die
when sucked through time's portal.

Translation: while we'll be warring a good bit, we sort of botched all-war last time. We could say that we must always be at war with at least one civ?

@Ruff. So, does that mean you want a call-up from reservist tractor-beam lubricator to active duty?
I remember there once was a time
I suggested a game based on rhyme.
This silly conception
Gained quite a reception
O'er at DM - some thought it sublime.

And so I now feel a compulsion
(In spite of my gen'ral revulsion
For poetical things)
To spread lyrical wings
And join in this Vogon convulsion.

On the roster, Rex, keep a space clear
For ol' Zophos, who holds this game dear.
So, true poets take warning,
That great things are a'borning -
And my verse will go downhill from here.

(Translation: I'm in. ;) )
PS: I realized that I forgot to post this as a Warlords SG. And Ruff, who are the green civs? Is Sally still green? Brennus? (Those are the only two I can think of.)
Just lurking but that's the funniest victory condition I've seen.

Will watch with interest this one.
A dissertation on the merits of various leaders by Assistant Cannon Polisher Ozbenno

  1. The Hitchikers Guide To The Galaxy - Sub-clause 15.3 of Article 4 of the most excellent report by Farumbler Grort entitled "The scourge of hitch-hiking and pratical advise as to its eradication or at least its reduction" states, and I quote: The major problem we face in dealing with today's hitchhikers is the speed in which they appear.

    Therefore, it can be concluded that speed is of the essence. Two movement UUs could be the key. Might I suggest Stalin of Russia then.

  2. The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe - Well this, of course, makes us think of two things. Food and destruction. Pretty simple isn't it, Napolean of France

  3. Life, the Universe and Everything - As has been directed by the Vogon Head Council On Nonsensical Notions Of Philosophy And Such Idle Thoughts (VHCONNOPASIT), we have no time for philosophers. However, we greatly admire the humour of the German people. Some have even called them Vogon-like, though that may be a touch generous. Frederick of Germany anyone?

  4. So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish - This evokes many fond memories of throwing Class D Hyper-Nuclear Bombs in small lakes to kill all the fish. Happy days. Hannibal of Carthage.

  5. Mostly Harmless - The notion that this in fact refers to us, as we are not playing Always War is somewhat misleading. Anyone who wears outrageously silly hats has to be considered such. Cyrus of Persia.

I will lurk,
Like vultures on the Turks,
perhaps even volunteer,
some bad poetry and many good beers.

Always War I think it shall be,
As RotQM has always been as so say thee,
But to conquest and space on the same faithful turn,
Perhaps demands a noble setting to make this a successful churn?
lurker's comment:
In terms of leaders it seems to me
That with all the focus on poetry
Creative is the first trait to embrace

And since the Vogon are bureaucratic
(and a little autocratic)
Organized takes second place

Combine the two and you will find
And I think no one will mind
That Augustus of Rome wins this race
With the lurker above I agree
a fine leader the Roman would make

But logic aside, if I go with a feeling
to find the leader of the vogon kind
then Stalin with his stare so chilling
meets the mark and pleases my mind
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