Caledorn, I'm going to warn you in advance of my post that I have mixed feelings about all this, and may not give you a straight answer, but you asked for feedback, so time to share.
1) You aren't alone in your dilemma over pause rules. I also participate in a few games over at WPC and I'd say game pauses generate more forum activity than any other topic. (usually 2 or more players trying to work out how to get out of the diplomacy screen,
) In fact, a whole thread was started by one of the veteran members with an aim to ban pausing (and even reload requests) in all forms. Many agreed, fewer disagreed, as usual I said nothing because I was sitting on the fence (and still am). I don't think anything was ever settled. Pausing is definitely still in heavy use at WPC and probably always will be. But here's the link to the thread. may offer you some insight as a host.
http://www.weplayciv.com/forums/showthread.php?7900-new-rule-no-pause-and-no-reload!&p=273778#post273778
2) My first ever pitboss experience was as a host, actually. I set up a game for my friends in 2010. It was super fun for the first while, but then a rumour started circling that one of the players (and so one of our friends as well) was actually playing 2 civs. I'll leave out the sordid details, but long story short, everyone looked to me to do something about this and it left me in a awkward position. I really had no idea what to do. I was hosting and playing and finally decided the direct approach was the best approach. (Are you playing 2 civs? No. Oh, ok, thanks.) But the accusations only picked up from there. I decided that I had done my due diligence as host, and it was time to do something about it as a player. The evidence was overwhelming, so I gathered a coalition of allies and prepared for an invasion, but at the last second, all my "allies" backed out on me because they didn't want to get involved. Somewhere, somehow, in their minds the dispute had become something between me and this guy alone. And it was all because I was host! So I went in alone and let's just say things have never been the same. There are some folks who played in that game that have never played since and are convinced that bts pitboss games ruin lives. Friendships ended in that game! The end result was me rage quitting, and since I was the host, also rage CRASHING and shutting the game down forever. It took me years to get over it. To this day, I think back on that game and get red in the face, 1/2 embarrassment for blowing up the game (I basically took the Risk game board and flipped it upside down and stomped out of the room in a virtual sense) and 1/2 out of righteous indignation that although everyone just expected me to be able to police the game, when I suggested dealing with cheaters the old fashioned way (ganging up and wiping him out) everyone flaked and I ended up being the bad guy. Just writing about it makes me want to load the game back up so I can tell everyone it's going again and then just when things get good, SHUT IT DOWN AGAIN!!! Anyway, all this to say, I empathize, dude. I really do.
3) I finally started hosting again, three years later. Right now I'm hosting a Fall From Heaven game with mostly the same friends (except those who retired forever) and things are much better. We don't pause ever, and in fact, pretty much ignore all the other normal rules as well. (Double turns, turn order, heck, I wouldn't be surprised if some of us were playing two civs again!) But part of the reason it's all good is that I've learned to just shut out the noise as a host. I have one job, keep the game going, reload when it crashes, make sure civ stats is ok. (Actually FFH and civstats hate each other, so it's quite the challenge).
4) Classical Here is bang on. for in-game backstabs, you have to just let it go. But we are humans and I now have a theory that everybody freaks out at least once, maybe more. I certainly did. After all, these games can dominate the psyche for years, and so much time and effort is invested that when it starts to unravel, people lose their s**t and maybe that can't be avoided, not until it's happened to you a few times. I play a lot of dungeons and dragons as well and same thing there. any betrayals are magnified because instead of it being a one-night only kind of thing, d&d campaigns stretch on forever.
So Caledorn, all this to say, if I were you, I'd go with option 3. Ignore us. reload when it crashes, deny all other reloads. stay out of pause disputes altogether and let us fight it out on the forum. If drama escalates... well, I think that's part of the fun actually, and inevitable... but as per above, I feel kind of tempered now after so much fire.
My final thought relates to the sports world. The intrateam is an exhibition game, a sideshow to the real deal that is the intersite, meaning it doesn't count in the standings if you will... is that a "Friendly" in football/soccer? Anyway, keeping that in mind, I think keeping the game going is more important than making sure everyone has a 100% chance to finish their turn, or undo mistakes, or any of that stuff that would be important in "the pros"
Hopefully this post sheds some light on my in-game actions as well. Cav/Aivo, my new enemies, please understand that the main reason I am at war with you right now is that on a straight up Fun/Not Fun analysis, invading your fine continent seemed to be my best option.
Kind regards,
dratboy