Here's how it works. You're a nobleman in ancient China. You've just been insulted/offended/backstabbed by a fellow nobleman. Under normal circumstances you begin hiring spies to dig for any dirt from your opponent so you can squeal on him to the authorities or, in case he's an official himself, to the next higher level all the way to the emperor, if both of you are qualified enough.
If he or any of his relatives survive, they will never forget this and will harbor a grudge forever. They will then harbor plans of their own for revenge. Vicious cycle ensues.
Confucius supposedly advises against this. You're supposed to appear all civil in public and pooh-pooh the offending incident. As a gesture of goodwill, you buy gifts for his kids. It's a socially accepted practice, and since you don't give your rival or his wives anything, no one can accuse you of bribery or sucking up. Your stock and reputation in the community rises. His falls.
That's step 1. Step 2 takes care of itself. Ancient Chinese nobility were polygamous and had multiple wives. That means dozens of kids in the house. All now with drums. You figure out how much of a racket that is.
Your rival will soon blow his top and yell at the kids. Their mothers (his wives) will be unhappy and he won't get any nookie, thus making him even more frustrated and irritable. He'll soon be whipping servants for the slightest transgression, earning a reputation as a foul-tempered tyrant, and his own aged mother will be berating him: "You could learn a thing or two about manners from that person you wronged a while back..."
