The LAMEST jokes you can think of...

Discussion in 'Humor & Jokes' started by The Person, Mar 5, 2004.

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  1. Xi 12

    Xi 12 Kentucky Milita

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    Why did the banana fall out of the tree? It was in the monkey's mouth.

    Why did the baby fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the monkey.

    What's worse then swinging a baby on a rope? Stopping it with a shovel.

    What else is worse then swinging a baby on a rope? Cutting the rope.

    I'm the king of dead baby jokes.
     
  2. Lord Draegon

    Lord Draegon Awoken

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    what's worse than hanging 10 dead babies from a tree







    hanging one dead baby from 10 trees
     
  3. The_Unforgiven

    The_Unforgiven KoEkWaUs

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    Some of these are better than the ones that get a whole thread to itself...
     
  4. DreadCthulhu

    DreadCthulhu Warlord

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    There's these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several days without water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realize that it's really there.

    So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been traveling in the desert for many days, and have had no water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us water - tell us, do you have any for us?" The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with chocolate flakes ".

    The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr. purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been traveling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages which
    are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can
    sell us some skins of water." The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I
    have no water at all ...all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with chocolate flakes, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the glazed cherry. "I cannot help you..".

    The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look mate," (cos they'd stopped talking funny all of a sudden) "we need water or we'll die. We've been traveling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?" The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he
    confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and chocolate flakes. I can't help you.

    I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death by dehydration." The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and chocolate flakes.
    Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the
    desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so,
    one turned to the other and said, "That was really odd - a big
    market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and chocolate flakes." The other turned
    to face his companion and replied,














    "Yes, it really was a trifle bazaar".
     
  5. Lifeblood

    Lifeblood Defender of the faith

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  6. Xi 12

    Xi 12 Kentucky Milita

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    What's the difference between 10 dead babies and 10 new Mercedes?

    I don't have 10 new Mercedes in my garage.
     
  7. WildFire

    WildFire amour

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    What do 5 fingers say to the face?

    Slap

    ( god I hate that joke now)
     
  8. the mormegil

    the mormegil Emperor

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    This thread has jokes that make me laugh more than 'proper' ones.
     
  9. Crowpocalyptic1

    Crowpocalyptic1 Warlord

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    Two muffins were sitting on a counter. One looks to the other and says "How've you been today?" The other screams "AH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
     
  10. The_Unforgiven

    The_Unforgiven KoEkWaUs

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    :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  11. SuperBeaverInc.

    SuperBeaverInc. Groucho

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    :lol: I wish I had 10 new Mercedes.(and no, I don't have any dead babies)
     
  12. The_Unforgiven

    The_Unforgiven KoEkWaUs

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    I'm not greedy
    I'd even settle for a mere five:

    -Mercedes McLaren SLR
    -Mercedes CL55 AMG
    -Maybach 62
    -Mercedes CLK-GTR
    -Mercedes S600
     
  13. Achinz

    Achinz Hermit of Huangshan

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    What did one mushroom say to another?

    I'm a fungi too!
     
  14. Zoke0

    Zoke0 Dangerous Hobo

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    This man wants to build his dog a dog house so he creates a plan and decides he needs 99 bricks. So he goes to the hardware store and asks the clerk, how much are bricks. The Clerk says "You can get 1 for five dolloars or 100 brick for 50 dollors." The man decides to get 100 bricks, because it is more economicaly wise (big word). As he's leaving how does he get rid of the brick?


    He throws it over his shoulder!

    Wait I'm not done.

    This man is riding an airplane to boston next to this lady with a really loud rat dog. The man ask the lady to shut the dog up and she says she'll try. The dog doesn't shut up so the man says "If you don't make that dog shut up I'll start smoking!" The lady says "I can't, I'm sorry." So the guy lights up a cigerrette and the lady says "Can you please stop smoking, I have asthma." The guy says "I'll stop smoking whe you shut that dog up." The two keep arguing until the flight attendant comes up and asks 'What's the matter here?" Theguys says "This l;ady won't make that stupid dog shut up!" And the lady says "He won't stop smoking and I have asthma." So the flight attendant takes the cigerrette and the dog and throws them out the window. When the plane lands in Boston, what's on the Wing?



    A brick!!!
     
  15. The_Unforgiven

    The_Unforgiven KoEkWaUs

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    You're getting a real knack in lameness... ;)
     
  16. cgannon64

    cgannon64 BOB DYLAN'S ROCKIN OUT!

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    What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

    EDIT: Argh he posted it already.
     
  17. Gainy

    Gainy Guest

    :p

    On topic:

    What do farmers use to figure out how many cows they have? A Cowculator.

    Edit: You edited... :rolleyes:
     
  18. WillJ

    WillJ Coolness Connoisseur

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    What did one hamster say to another?

    Nothing, hamsters can't talk!




    What did Helen Keller say in her autobiography?

    Nothing, Helen Keller couldn't talk!
     
  19. the mormegil

    the mormegil Emperor

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    I think the brick joke should win an award for lameness.
     
  20. jb1964

    jb1964 Hunter of Fish

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    A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop. *rim shot*
     
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