Discussion in 'Humor & Jokes' started by Uncle Sparky, Dec 31, 2017.
It became a dad
The cashier chuckled when she rang up my total.
I hate it when people laugh at my expense.
I just spent $1000 hiring a limo, but it didn't come with a driver.
Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it.
I was going to tell a joke about trickle down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.
I broke up with my girlfriend when I discovered she was a communist.
I should have known... there were red flags everywhere.
Not going cheep
Just send me the bill.
A thief has been stealing wheels off of police cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
If you lock yourself out of your house, just talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
Speaking as a dad, I feel compelled to add the sequels:
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Spoiler Not really worth opening :
Still no idea
What do call a blind deer with no legs, on top of another deer?
Spoiler Are you such a glutton for punishment? :
Still effing no idea
Recycling empty bottles in 2019 - Ha ha. I'm not an alcoholic, I just had a party!
Recycling empty bottles in 2020 - I swear I didn't have a party, I'm just an alcoholic!
I bought a self driving car yesterday.
I have no idea where it is.
Actual ESPN headline:
Just because it was unintentional doesn't mean it's not a bad pun.
A friend asked me if I had any interesting plans for the fall.
It took me a moment to realize she was asking about autumn, not the collapse of civilization.
I've thought of a lot of jokes about unemployed people... but none of them work.
So when poison is past the 'best before' date, is it more poisonous or less?
Poison should be marked with an expiration date.
... but would that mean the poison expires on that date, or the recipient? And would that be effected by time zones, so that a poison manufactured in New Zealand, but used in Hawaii might not work ?
Me - Do you have any plays by Shakespeare?
Shop assistant - Which one?
Me - William.
Will transparent coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Separate names with a comma.