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The Llamast Jokes Thread... 3

Discussion in 'Humor & Jokes' started by Uncle Sparky, Dec 31, 2017.

  1. Kyriakos

    Kyriakos Alien spiral maker

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    It became a dad :o
     
  2. Uncle Sparky

    Uncle Sparky Pheasant Plucker

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    The cashier chuckled when she rang up my total.

    I hate it when people laugh at my expense.
     
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  3. Uncle Sparky

    Uncle Sparky Pheasant Plucker

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    I just spent $1000 hiring a limo, but it didn't come with a driver.

    Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it.
     
    tjs282, PhroX and Serutan like this.
  4. Uncle Sparky

    Uncle Sparky Pheasant Plucker

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    I was going to tell a joke about trickle down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.
     
    tjs282, PhroX, Arakhor and 1 other person like this.
  5. Uncle Sparky

    Uncle Sparky Pheasant Plucker

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    I broke up with my girlfriend when I discovered she was a communist.

    I should have known... there were red flags everywhere.
     
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  6. Uncle Sparky

    Uncle Sparky Pheasant Plucker

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    FOR SALE:
    Dead budgie
    Not going cheep
     
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  7. Gori the Grey

    Gori the Grey The Poster

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    Just send me the bill.
     
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  8. Uncle Sparky

    Uncle Sparky Pheasant Plucker

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    A thief has been stealing wheels off of police cars.

    Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
     
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  9. Uncle Sparky

    Uncle Sparky Pheasant Plucker

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    If you lock yourself out of your house, just talk to your lock calmly.

    Because communication is key.
     
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  10. tjs282

    tjs282 Socially distancing since 1975

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    Speaking as a dad, I feel compelled to add the sequels:

    What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
    Spoiler Not really worth opening :
    Still no idea
    What do call a blind deer with no legs, on top of another deer?
    Spoiler Are you such a glutton for punishment? :
    Still effing no idea
     
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  11. Uncle Sparky

    Uncle Sparky Pheasant Plucker

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    Recycling empty bottles in 2019 - Ha ha. I'm not an alcoholic, I just had a party!

    Recycling empty bottles in 2020 - I swear I didn't have a party, I'm just an alcoholic!
     
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  12. Uncle Sparky

    Uncle Sparky Pheasant Plucker

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    I bought a self driving car yesterday.

    I have no idea where it is.
     
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  13. Serutan

    Serutan Eatibus Anythingibus

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    Actual ESPN headline:

    Spoiler :
    Just because it was unintentional doesn't mean it's not a bad pun.
     
  14. Uncle Sparky

    Uncle Sparky Pheasant Plucker

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    A friend asked me if I had any interesting plans for the fall.

    It took me a moment to realize she was asking about autumn, not the collapse of civilization.
     
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  15. Uncle Sparky

    Uncle Sparky Pheasant Plucker

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    I've thought of a lot of jokes about unemployed people... but none of them work.
     
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  16. Uncle Sparky

    Uncle Sparky Pheasant Plucker

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    So when poison is past the 'best before' date, is it more poisonous or less?
     
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  17. Gori the Grey

    Gori the Grey The Poster

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    Poison should be marked with an expiration date.
     
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  18. Uncle Sparky

    Uncle Sparky Pheasant Plucker

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    ... but would that mean the poison expires on that date, or the recipient? And would that be effected by time zones, so that a poison manufactured in New Zealand, but used in Hawaii might not work ?
     
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  19. Uncle Sparky

    Uncle Sparky Pheasant Plucker

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    Me - Do you have any plays by Shakespeare?

    Shop assistant - Which one?

    Me - William.
     
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  20. Uncle Sparky

    Uncle Sparky Pheasant Plucker

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    Will transparent coffins become popular?

    Remains to be seen.
     
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