Discussion in 'Humor & Jokes' started by Uncle Sparky, Dec 31, 2017.
The only thing flat earthers fear is sphere itself.
I'll get my coat.
New lyrics for an old song -
♪♪ I Beg your pardon,
You gave me COVID in the Rose Garden. ♪♪
Mike Pence walks into a restaurant with a fly on his head.
The manager sees him and says," I run a clean establishment... don't bring that pestilence in here!"
The fly replies, "I tried not to, but it's stuck to my feet!"
Joke on Vinyl
I bought an LP called Wasp Sounds...
I played the first track, and it didn't sound like wasps.
I played the second track, again it didn't sound like wasps.
Then I realized I was playing the B side.
You cannot easily give an elaborate telling of Japanese history...
But you can Samurais it.
My lack of knowledge about Greek mythology has always been my Achilles wrist.
What should you serve for dinner on Mexico's Day of the Dead?
As long as both Trump and Biden do their best and have fun, does it really even matter which of them wins the presidency?
Great. Now Alec Baldwin is refusing to leave Saturday Night Live.
Dishes the ghost of Sean Connery.
Monorail designers have a one track mind
A cowboy, lost in the wilderness and out of food and water, spots a tree covered in bacon.
"A bacon tree! I'm saved!", yelled the cowboy running toward the tree. He is shot dead.
It wasn't a bacon tree. It was a ham bush.
I just burned 2400 calories.
That is the last time I leave a cake in the oven while I nap.
I found out my girlfriend is actually a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Me: I'm not saying another word without my lawyer present.
Cop: But, you are the lawyer.
Me: I know. So where is my present?
To the thief who stole my glasses... I will find you!
I have contacts.
Stolen from a Christmas Cracker Joke competition.
What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas.
Did you hear that production was down at Santa’s workshop? Many of his workers have had to elf isolate.
Why didn’t Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem? All Virgin flights were cancelled.
Why are Santa’s reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity.
Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the “Arrrr!” rate had risen.
Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto? Because eventually, it’s behind you.
Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn.
Why can’t Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn’t know how many tiers it should have.
What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread.
Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Home Alone.
How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly? Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go To Jail.
Why won’t Santa lose any presents this year? He’s downloaded Sack and Trace.
How is the pandemic like my stomach after Christmas? It’ll take ages to flatten the curve.
How is Prince Andrew coping with the stresses of Christmas this year? Fine. No sweat.
Why wasn’t Rudolph allowed to take part in vaccine trials? Because they only wanted guinea pigs.
Which government scheme supports Christmas dinner? Eat Sprout To Help Out.
How can you get out of talking to your boss at this year’s staff Christmas party? Put him on mute.
How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited? He keeps a logbook.
Who dresses in red and gives to the children this Christmas? Marcus Rashford.
Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem? Because they couldn’t book a home delivery.
A substantial bank loan can take you 30 years to pay off. If you rob a bank you are usually out in less than 10 years.
Follow me for further financial advice.
SIRI, how do I always mess things up with women?
This is ALEXA.
Wife: I want you to have this bracelet. My mother gave it to my dad.
Me: Why does the inscription say Do Not Resuscitate?
Separate names with a comma.