The Llamast Jokes Thread... 3

RobS

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I've renamed by bathroom. I will no longer call it John, but Jim. Now I can say I've been to the jim three times today.

Seriously though, my doctor told me to get some exercise, but to start slowly. So today I drove by the gym.
 

RobS

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My nephew has HDADD. He has trouble focusing, but once he does it's unbelievably clear.

As my uncle lay dying, his two sisters Margaret and Christina grieving at his bedside, he slowly turned to them and said, "Don't cry for me,
Marge and Tina."

I fondly remember my childhood, when Dad used to roll us down the hill in a tire. Those were the good years.

A bachelor is a selfish, uncaring guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.

When I was little, I once asked my aunt, "Auntie, how many is 'a couple'?" To which she replied, "Oh, two or three." In hindsight, that's probably
why her marriage failed.

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday, so the delivery guy knocked on the door today to check if we were okay.

My wife just retired from the broom factory - she was a test pilot.

Today, our boss announced that the person with the worst posture will be fired. I have a hunch it will be me.

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleep on the sofa. I said it made me feel manly, like I was
camping, with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

Me: Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green Green Grass of Home'.
Doctor: That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.
Me: Is it common?
Doctor: It's not unusual.

A guy goes to the doctor complaining of a hearing problem. The doctor says, "Can you describe the symptoms?" The guy says, "Homer’s fat and Marge has blue hair."
 

RobS

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So there's an Amazon River now? What's next, Lake Facebook and Mount PayPal?

I’ll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

A meteorologist with the National Weather Service was amazed to find that a blood vessel on his leg enlarged every time the air pressure dropped. He started predicting using his weather vein.

I hate turtlenecks. Wearing them is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day long.

My neighbor is in the Guinness Book of World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillow? It's making headlines.

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 14 to go.

Time waits for no man, but it always stands still for a woman of 39.

Many people are shocked when they find out that I’m a horrible electrician.

Nevada: "Knock off the shaking, I'm trying to sleep!"
California: "It wasn't my fault!"
 

RobS

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My girlfriend looked surprised when I told her she was painting her eyebrows too high.

(It occurs to me that my jokes might be too funny for this lame jokes thread, so is there a funny jokes thread somewhere?)
 

RobS

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I was thinking about getting the wife a Rolex for her birthday, but then I remembered there was already a clock on the stove.

A recent survey revealed that 1 out of 3 people that are in a serious relationship are unfaithful. I'm wondering whether it's my wife or my girlfriend who's the cheater.

Another survey revealed that 1 out of 3 people are considered "ugly". The next time you're in a movie theater, take a look at the persons sitting to your left and right. If they both look okay, guess what?
 

RobS

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The local S&M club was robbed last week and everyone was left bound and gagged. No one in the neighborhood suspected anything was wrong for three days.
 

RobS

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Contrary to popular belief, you can't always tell that a man is married just by looking at him. It might just be a single guy with a headache.
 

Samson

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"Trump was so excited he threw a ticker-tape parade made out of classified documents." — JIMMY FALLON
 

RobS

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In the entrance exam for medical school, one of the questions was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS" into the name of "an important human body part which is most useful when erect."
Those who answered "SPINE" are now doctors.
The rest of us are posting jokes on the internet.
 

Samson

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RobS

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Last month, my wife entered a saggy boob competition and beat everyone. In fact, she wiped the floor with them.
 
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RobS

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That awkward moment when you realize your wife's funeral is turning into a sausage fest.
 
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