The Llamast Jokes Thread... 3

[Uncle Sparky]

NYE in Time Square is boring...
They always drop the ball.

 

[Gori the Grey]

Yeah, they really ought to resolve to do better.

 

[dariusII]

NYE in Time Square is boring...
They always drop the ball.

And they're always leaving things to the last minute, too!

 

[dariusII]

My wife and I met at a castanet class, where we clicked.

Actually....

My wife and I are both tightrope walkers. We met online.

Actually...

We met at a library. How novel!

Actually...

We met a driving range, where we hit it off.

Actually...

We met at a chess match, where she made the first move.

Actually...

We met at a museum. And the rest is history!

 

[Kyriakos]

I like that it works both with the pun and without.

 

[Gori the Grey]

With how predictable a thing it is the first song that people sing at New Years, I guess you could call the lighted ball in Times Square an "auld lang" sign.

(How's that for a joke that's just 11 days late?)

 

[dariusII]

I used to make clown shoes, which was no small feat.

 

[dariusII]

I used to be a cop. One night a guy asked me if he could urinate on my wrist.

I said: 'Not on my watch.'

 

[Uncle Sparky]

I used to date a woman who owned a parrot. The damn thing would never stop talking.
The parrot was quiet, though.

 

[Kyriakos]

It's a web-comic, but also a bit on the lame side, so likely ok to post here

 

[Uncle Sparky]

This Monday is the start of Diarrhea Awareness Week...
Runs until Friday.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Does nobody want to impress Jodie Foster anymore?

 

[Uncle Sparky]

I hate to bring this up in the middle of a heist, but when I said I was a safe cracker, I meant I'm a chill old white guy.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

They said, 'don't try this at home', so I'll be at your place in about an hour.

 

[dariusII]

There is a guy in my neighborhood who's in the Guinness Book of World Records with 43 concussions.

He lives very close to me. In fact, he's just a stone's throw away.

 

[dariusII]

My best friend went off to become a mime. I haven't heard from him since.

I used to be a mime. It's only now I can talk about it.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Billy Connolly (Naughty)

Spoiler :

A mate of mine told be he's been shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said, 'how can you tell them apart?'
He said, 'her brother has a moustache.'

 

[Uncle Sparky]

People tell me filling farm animals with helium is wrong.

I say, 'Whatever floats your goat.'

 

[Uncle Sparky]

I just found out I'm colour blind.

The news came completely out of the yellow.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

My wife said, " I can think of fourteen reasons to leave you, not to mention your unhealthy obsession with tennis."

I replied, "That's fifteen, love.'