The Ports of Portugal

[constantinople]

I'm only going to update a few civics at a time. I hate anarchy in RFC so I try to go through as little as possible.

 

[constantinople]

Chapter VII

Manuel: Joao, take your mind of Maria. Move on. It's too late. You're misogyny scared her off.
Joao: Fine... It's for the best, I guess. I'll take my anger out on the next person I see...

So the Portuguese-​

Joao: That'd be you, buddy.
Not this again...

Joao: So the Portuguese were far behind technologically. Probably because the treasury was drained so Afonso could buy expensive gifts for Maria, which was actually working. The Portuguese decided to Google steel and made a technological breakthrough thanks to the search engine. The Ports of Portugal is brought to you by Google! Official website of Portugal since eight hours ago!

Spoiler :

Joao: The search engine was quite popular, and companies had to pay Portugal lump sums of gold to use it. Most of the aggressive nations got deals on the website for agreeing to not wipe out the Portuguese state. But some weak, pacifist, hippie nations couldn't threaten Portugal with military might and instead agreed to be Portugal's eternal slaves.

Spoiler :

Can I have my job back?
Joao: Fine...
Manuel: Hey, look. Khmer's being a meanie poo.
Joao: What else is new? GAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSP!

Spoiler :

Manuel: Hey, a congress is being held. Maybe we can get some valuable land.
Henry: Yes! For money! For gold! For capitalism!
Joao: Hooray! ...I think.

Spoiler :

The Portuguese were not militarily powerful, but tradewise, they were the kings. Err... Doms.​

Spoiler :

Joao: Let's ask for Ourgroin!
Henry: What?!
Joao: Ourgroin. It's a useless desert city off the coast of Africa.
Henry: Take it!

Spoiler :

Joao: Finally! The industrial era!
Magellan: Hey, guys.
Joao: Hi, M'jelly.
Magellan: Can we build steel ships now?
Joao: Soon enough, jellyjam, soon enough.

Spoiler :

Joao: Hey, a great merchant-
Henry: GOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLDDDDDDD!
Joao: Dude, what happened to you? You've turned evil. What is with you a money?
Henry: I'm just really upset our treasury is going down the drain.
Joao: Well, that's Maria's fault. She keeps emptying the treasury to go shopping in France. I guess that's why Germany's economy is doing swell.
Henry: Curse this Maria. We need to rid Portugal of her.
Joao: But I love her... And I hate that Afonso for stealing her! I must kill Afonso de Albuquerque!

Spoiler :

Meanwhile...
Maria: We need to bring about more reforms. Time for some free market.
Afonso: "Free?" M'lady, I do not like that word...
Maria: Darling, I'm doing this for the greater good. For me, of course, but I am the greater good, right?
Afonso: Yes...
Maria: So you'll help me?
Afonso: Yes...
Maria: Well, we need a majority of the Doms to vote in favor of these reforms. Dang democracy, I'm really starting to regret it.
Afonso: Don't worry, Mar mar, I can get Henry and Manuel to vote in favor of this civic change. They love money and whatnot.
Maria: Excellent! ...And don't call me mar mar...

Later...

Joao: Lalalalalalalalallaaaaaaaaa...
Manuel: Thank you, Joao... Anyway... The Doms had a meeting.
Joao: Why wasn't I informed?
Manuel: Afonso said you were sick. We all voted in favor of more civic reforms. We now support democracy and capitalism.
Joao: Democracy? No, no, no! People power? More like stupid power! We cannot let the idiots take control of the government! Then the flying cows of Zansylizaria will enforce smertagarson on us and force us to eat jub jub branches! No, no, no, some people are too stupid to rule!
Manuel: Well, I'm sorry, but it's too late... We've become a Democratic Domdom. Not dom dom, but Dom-dumb. As in kingdom, but with doms instead of kings.

Spoiler :

Joao: Who is the new dom?
Afonso: Guess who?
Joao: NOOO!!!! NOT YOU!!!!!
Afonso: What? Not me. I was just asking you to guess who. Maria was elected Dona. For life. Also, she broke up with me.
Manuel: I'm so sorry for your loss...
Joao: For life? I knew this was a mistake! We must dethrone-
Manuel: Dedona.
Joao: We must dedona Maria!

Bismarck: Yeah, hi. Frau Maria? Germany has high self esteem and we don't want to ally with a a woman soo... We're breaking up.
Maria: Okay... Who needs you, you *ethnic joke censored.*
Bismarck:

Spoiler :

Maria: What?! Arabs in India? Oh well... I don't want to start an international incident... Yet...

Spoiler :

Germany was catching up to Portugal on the scoreboard. Germany was involved in a large war against Russia for Ukraine and Eastern Europe. It was unclear who was winning, but the Congress nations favored the Slavs.​

Spoiler :

Magellan: Howdy, ho, Joao!
Joao: Hi...
Magellan: What are you doing in the slums?
Joao: Living here...
Magellan: What?! Oh, Maria, eh? I've heard of harsh rejections from women but this is ridiculous.
Manuel: She's dona for life, what can we do?
Magellan: Oh, hey, Manuel.
Joao: Yeah, he's legally my slave now... Long story...
Magellan: Well, Portugal is doing quite well. I guess. Trade with Germany is increasing, although relations are bitter as ever. Germany managed to establish a colony that increases trade, but also border tensions. They also colonized Texas. Don't ask. Seriously. Don't ask.

Spoiler :

Maria: Life sure is easy being a dona. I don't have to worry about those morons distracting me or messing up the government. And that Magellan sap is trying to cross the world in under 79 days... I feel too intelligent. I need to hire some interns.
I'll set up some ads on Google.
Maria: Really? Thank you, narrator.
What?!
Maria: ...Pardon?
No one's ever said thank you to me...
Maria: Oh boy...

Bismarck: Ha! Those foolish Porties... Germany is superior militarily and culturally! They will never expect a possible military invasion of a minor force that may happen, but probably not! I'm so evil!

Spoiler :

Magellan: Life is good. And so is the economy... Hooray for gold booms! The Kongo would love us!

Spoiler :

Maria: Ooh, an invitation! ...Uh-huh... Mm-hmm... I've been invited to a Congress! Yay!
And now! Presenting the three internteers!
Henry I!
Henrique: I had a cameo in the Reign in Spain. Call me Henrique. I'm kind of famous for my dramatic role...
Giovanni!
Giovanni: You wish, Henrique. I'm Giovanni, Enrico Dandolo's third favorite adviser from the Kind of Serene Republic of Venice! I also occasionally appear in the Frenzy in France, another great story. I advised the merchant republic of Venice and now I will advise the merchant republic of Portugal.
And Bob!
Bob: Wazzup. I'm some random hobo the narrator found on the streets of Oporto. Apparently, only Henrikay and Giovan here responded to the Dona's call. But don't tell her.
Maria: What?
Nothing...
Maria: Well, your first task is on the Congress. Should I go?
Giovanni: Of course.
Henrique: I'm against everything Giovanni is for. Don't go!
Giovanni: Why you little!
*Giovanni and Henrique fight*
Maria: What about you, Bob?
Bob: Can we get, like, a pizza or something? All of this yammering about politics is bumming me out.
Maria: ...Sure. Why not?

Spoiler :

Joao: The slum life sure is something.
Manuel: Oh, you can amount to success one day. Did you hear? Some hobo named Bob became a top adviser.
Joao: Ugh... I want my job back...
Manuel: Well, there's nothing we can do.
Henry: Yeah, let capitalism take its course. We'll be back on top in no time.
Did we mention Henry moved in with Joao?
Joao: What are you doing here, you traitor? You joined Maria!
I'm everywhere, sweetie. I'm the freaking narrator. And that Maria is something. Sweet on the outside, evil in the inside.
Manuel: Go away.
See you lates, then. Oh, and Joao. I want you back?
Joao: What was that, doofus?
Even though you treat me crap and hate me for some reason beyond me, you're less evil than Maria. And Portugal is becoming kind of soft on world politics with the moronic advisers. Portugal failed to get the city of Santa during the Congress. Portugal needs you, Joao. Good bye.

Spoiler :

Maria: Nice going, guys. Your public display of violence in the presence of hundreds of world leaders prevented us from getting Santa.
Henrique: Giovanni called me fat...
Bob: Can we, like, go home?
Maria: Not yet. Time for Khmer's claim.
Suryavaraman: We want... Singapore! All in favor?
Everyone except for the Portuguese: I!
Suryavarman: What will it be, sweetie?
Maria: Ugh... Fine. Take it.
Bob: What?!

Spoiler :

Is Maria going soft already? Will Joao become dom again? Will my salary continue going up for once? Find out next time!​

 

[mrrandomplayer]

Yon should've refused to leave, unless Germany voted for it.

 

[constantinople]

It would've been useless because the Khmer were a little bit more advanced than me and could've captured the city. I also had a very, very small army, most of my soldiers just went to guard colonies I founded.

 

[baseballpie]

Khmer wouldn't necessarily declare war on you, counterintuitive as it is.

 

[Alexius08]

Yon should've refused to leave, unless Germany voted for it.

I could see "Bismarck voted NO" on the screenshot. Japan and Arabia, on the other hand, voted YES. Since Arabia is collapsing, you can prepare to invade them. They're more focused on beating the Afrikakorps at Algeria right now.

 

[constantinople]

Again, my military sucked and I didn't want to get involved in any wars. And losing a distant city put a lot of pressure off my economy.

 

[constantinople]

Chapter VIII

Giovanni: A Dutch plane has crashed in one of our African colonies. Do you know what this means?
Henrique: The Dutch need to work on their piloting skills?
Maria: No, you twib! We need to extract every last ounce of information out of their blood-stained clogs.
Bob: Ew...

Spoiler :

Maria: Boy, do I miss Singapore...
Giovanni: It was a useless colony anyway.
Afonso: We should've taken it back...
Maria: That isn't in the plan, Fonzy, sweetie.

Spoiler :

In the east, the Russian government imploded on itself. Germany, naturally, swooped down and consumed several nearby Russian cities and began Germanizing Slavic lands.​

Spoiler :

Maria: Normally I would be grateful our allies can obtain more land, but Bissy doesn't seem like a close friend anymore...

Spoiler :

Giovanni: A little espionage ought to fix that up.
Maria: How will that fix anything?!
Giovanni: It will fix our... desire to spy on Germany!

Spoiler :

~~~~

Joao: Y'know what? I think I'm going to take the narrator's advice! I'm going to dominate Portugal once again!
Manuel: Good luck with that.
Joao: What? You don't believe me?
Manuel: You can't even wash your own clothes, how can you seize back the throne?
Joao: Hey, I don't see you going to the laundromat either!
Manuel: Look, if we want to re-establish the monarchy, we need money! We need to gain influence with money!
Joao: We earn $2.67 and a few gum wrappers per week, how are we going to become trillionaires?
Manuel: I don't know, okay?! I didn't think this through! Where is your great plan?
Joao: ...It will come, trust me...

~~~~

Giovanni: The Dutch are seeking an alliance.
Maria: First they kamikaze our cities and now they want an alliance? What's next?! I will agree to this deal, but only because it will piss of Germany, because people always confuse the Dutch and Deutsch.

Spoiler :

Afonso: Yes, and we need to establish dominance over the... uhh... fourteen seas!

Spoiler :

Suddenly...​

Bob: Woah! Germany a splode!
Maria: Yes! Now we don't have to worry about being outdone by a Euro! Excluding the Dutch, but do they really count as a big threat?

Spoiler :

Giovanni: Yes they do, they are somehow more powerful than us...
Afonso: Military! Military!
Henrique: Well, we've been straying away from mercantilism. I guess the Dutch have us beat monetarily.

Maria: Time for another Congress!
Bob: Yippee.

Spoiler :

Henrique: Aw, it's taking place in Portugal!
Maria: That explains the influx of foreigners...

Spoiler :

Giovanni: This is an important congress, we need to halt Dutch influence and expand our own.

Spoiler :

Henrique: Oh well...
Maria: At least we were able to kidnap a few world scientists.

Spoiler :

~~~~

Manuel: Although I hate to say it, we may need to leave Portugal.
Joao: Where should we go?
Manuel: I don't know, somewhere newly formed. Nearby to Portugal... I don't know. Where? We need to start new lives and change our names while staying geographically close to Lisbon...

Spoiler :

~~~~

Maria: Ah, the modern era...
Bob: We really fly by these eras...
Maria: We sure do...

Spoiler :

Giovanni: Instability is a thing of the past.
Afonso: Invasion?
Giovanni: Soon enough, Afonso, soon enough. We need to expand Brazil.

Spoiler :

Henrique: How cute, Ethiopia got Santa. I didn't know that Santaland was a desert...

Spoiler :

Maria: Well, Arabia died. At least we can expand further into India.
Afonso: NO, DON'T!!! GOD NO!!! DON'T ATTACK INDIA!!! IT'S TERRIBLE! TERR-I-BLE!
Maria: Woa, ease up, Fonzy. We're not going to attack India, just the former Arab states. What's going on?
Afonso: ...Oh, just a flashback from my vacation to the Middle East and India...

Spoiler :

Maria: Yes! There you go, Afonso. Some conquest.
Afonso: I wuv you...
Maria: I wuv me too.

Spoiler :

Afonso: I feel like I desire more conquest... More war...
Maria: Well, that won't happen...

Spoiler :

Maria: Oh Lord...

~~~~

Manuel: This was a great idea, Joao. Finally, we can start new lives and eventually take over Portugal!
Joao: Yes... Paris, here we come!

Will the Portuguese subdue China? Will Joao and Manuel succeed in reclaiming the domdom of Portugal? Find out next time!​

 

[Moai_Spammer]

oh joao and his crazy schemes

 

[Alexius08]

I expect the Vikings and the French to be turned into cheese-eating surrender monkeys soon.

 

[baseballpie]

Chapter VIII

Giovanni: A Dutch plane has crashed in one of our African colonies. Do you know what this means?
Henrique: The Dutch need to work on their piloting skills?
Maria: No, you twib! We need to extract every last ounce of information out of their blood-stained clogs.
Bob: Ew...

Spoiler :

This seems oddly familiar.

 

[constantinople]

I can't remember what jokes I have used and what jokes I haven't.

 

[constantinople]

Sorry for the lack of updates. I'll try to make an update for all of my stories over the weekend.

 

[mrrandomplayer]

I'm in the same boat. My only excuse, however, is laziness. That and I am trying like mad to win a Hindu URV as India.

EDIT: Oh hey, 1100th post.

 

[pole475]

I'm in the same boat. My only excuse, however, is laziness. That and I am trying like mad to win a Hindu URV as India.

EDIT: Oh hey, 1100th post.

Do you say that every 100 post??

Congrats though

 

[trexeric]

EDIT: Oh hey, 1100th post.

I personally would be more excited about my 1,111th post...

 

[pole475]

Well the question is were you excited when you reached your 1,111th post?

 

[trexeric]

Well the question is were you excited when you reached your 1,111th post?

I dunno, forgot what it was. Probably not, I must say.

 

[constantinople]

Okay, I'll definitely make an update tomorrow.

 

[GreekAnalyzer]

YUS! fillertextthefirstpersontoguesscorrectlywhichtvshowmyavatarisfromgetsacookie