Rambuchan
The Funky President
NOTE: This opening post gets edited with new rules. You may want to check back every now and then (but then again you might not).
Heterosexual males are a funny lot. Today I noticed two things which made me ponder on "The Rules of Being a Man", a heterosexual one that is. These were:
a) During the G8 announcement on TV, I saw Bush shake hands with Olusegun Obasanjo, Nigerian President and Chairman of the African Union. Well they shook hands and then OO grabbed GWB's hand again and kind of stood there holding it, while someone else went on speaking. There were these two leaders, of extremely macho reputations and cultures, just standing in front on the world press holding hands.
It's a bit weird right? (See rules below).
b) A female friend of mine was reading 'OK' magazine and I was looking through it curiously trying to get an insight into the empty barrel that is celebrity culture. Well while I was flicking through I saw a photo of David Beckham on the beach in his trunks, with the obligatory shades, tattoo and jewellery. For a moment I was struck and I thought - 'now that's a good looking man' . Then I checked myself, 'Ram what the hell are you doing?' And I threw the magazine down in disgust. I had just broken one of the golden rules of being a man!
I remember going regularly to India as a kid and being shocked at seeing so many guys going around holding hands on the streets. I used to think in my childish ignorance "gosh, there are lots of homos in India!" Of course I don't think that now. You often see men with their arms round each other, holding hands and walking together, but they are just friends. India's, and much of the world's, unspoken rules about being a man are quite different to those in 'the west'. Clearly OO, being Nigerian, had no problem with holding hands with GWB. Yet their's is certainly a macho culture.
So what is it about these unspoken rules of machismo? Why are they specific to different areas?
I will try and list some of these curious, unspoken, macho rules, as they relate to most posters here ie. Those for a western, heterosexual male. And I will also be so much of a time waster that I shall probably update the list as people offer more. Here are a few to start things off.
I would be interested to hear the gay and female perspectives on them. Please bear in mind that I am deliberately being homophobic and misogynistic, for comedy's sake here and also to highlight how they are both innate in the make up of the hetero-male:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 1 ~ Never say that another man is good-looking.
It is totally unacceptable for a heterosexual man to comment on another man's looks. The furthest you can go is to compliment a bloke on his shirt, shoes, suit or tie. Definitely not his hair, complexion, after shave, thighs or six pack
. If you think it, then stop.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 2 ~ Never talk to a man you don't know whilst at the urinal and certainly never peak over into his cubicle.
The only outside chance of there being an exception here is if you are both clearly shi*-faced drunk. But then the topics of conversation need to be monitored closely to ensure it does not descend into a homosexual encounter. And always keep your eyes up and to the wall when talking.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 3 ~ Refrain from sending each other birthday cards.
This is for women to do, alright? You should not even know when your mate's birthday is.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 4 ~ Physical contact must be closely monitored. This is broken down as follows:
a) No holding hands ever. Hand shake must be firm and the duration dependant on familiarity.
b) Regarding hugging: Only acceptable i) during winning sports occassions. In the case of a loss you can put arms over shoulders but don't let them slide to the waist or around the back. ii) in greeting (this must be short and back slappy) iii) when drunk (but watch it doesn't get out of hand).
c) If feet touch under the table, move them quick and be disturbed about it.
d) Regarding Suntan Lotion: Never apply lotion to another man's back, unless that man is a close relative, and then only in the complete absense of women. If a friend nags you into breaking this rule you should disown them or at least refuse.
e) Regarding kissing: Only between Dads, Grandads, Sons and Brothers. This is only on the cheek. Lips never come into it ok? Just dry cheek on dry cheek and no lingering either. Don't do two, that's clearly unnecessary and reckless. This rule is culturally specific and it should be presumed that all kinds of kissing are well off limits if at all possible.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then it gets complicated as we now have this idea of 'women's equality', adding more confusion for the budding machoman living in the 21st century. Some of the rules have changes and some have not.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 5 ~ Always make a determined effort to pay the bill.
Whether you earn more than the woman or not, you must do so. If the lady insists forcefully, you have to accept that times have changed and let her do it. But make sure she realises you are not happy about it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 6 ~ You must offer your coat when a lady is cold.
Some things never change. You must still presume that she is fragile and incapable of protecting herself.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 7 ~ It is now OK to moisturise. (check exceptions)
We are now allowed / supposed to take pride in our appearance. This means you can go over board on hair wax and moisturisers.
NOTE: This still excludes the use of brands like Oil of Ulay or anything with pink on the label. Nivea is now bordeline into macho. You want to be using starkly designed creams that smell like shi*e if you are a true heterosexual male.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 8 ~ If there is the option of Steak or Quiche on the menu, for god's sake order the steak!
This is a case specific illustration of a general rule. If there is a non-veg option ie. red meat, go for that and ignore the vegetarian shi*e. That stuff is for rabbits and models.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 9 ~ Regarding Crying - don't do it, except:
a) When your team loses - in this case you can do it openly and blubber like an idiot.
b) When there is a bereavement in the family - this must be done reluctantly and in a stiffled fashion. No boo-hoo-hooing, again that's for the ladies and kids. If you feel the need to break down, get it over with quick. The recovery should be noble, with much flaring of the nostrils and whiping of the eye with the back of the hand.
c) All other circumstances are totally unacceptable.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 10 ~ Never read instructions, nor ask for directions or help.
You don't need any help in explaining this one do you?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 11 ~ Regarding 'size'. It's so obvious it matters that you should never even bother discussing it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 12 ~ No blades, no wax, no strips, no buzzing razors near anything but the face and in this case wet shave is what gives you cold steel on skin and greater blood loss. The body is a temple remember, none of the above near any of it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 13 ~ Real men do not hit women in any circumstance.
Again this is the presumption that women are utterly defenceless creatures, completely unable to fend for themselves in anyway. In abiding by this rule, we tacitly condon women hitting men. This is to secure the moral high ground naturally - I mean if women have to resort to violence, this clearly demonstrates their innate irrationality.
You must also be warned that the law courts in most western countries take this similarly condescending view on violence towards women. Just don't do it. You've been given the gift of reason - use it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 14 ~ Regarding Dancing: If you are good, do it, (and make sure it gets you laid). If you not good - don't do it.
No explanation needed at this stage.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 15 ~ This kind of behaviour is neither cool, manly or acceptable (brace yourself gents):
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 16 ~ You should never admit that another man is willing and able to endure more physical pain than you.
Pain is a man's middle name. Relish it, seek it out, flaunt your ability to endure it for your woman.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 17 ~ If something needs to be done (particularly minor) and just two men are present, you must always be the first to come up with a plan which makes the other man go do that thing.
You're top dog always right? Keep it that way.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 18 ~ Real Men do not wear shoulder pads, especially when playing FOOTball.
Again this speaks for itself.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 19 ~ Real men do not blush.
The only attention which your cheeks should be attracting is to the hard, chiselled line of your jaw.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 20 ~ Regarding cooking: You should refrain from doing this wherever possible. However, it is quite acceptable to do so on occassion, but there are strict guidelines governing this:
a) You must make a god awful mess.
b) You must demand and use the most expensive ingredients.
c) You must declare that yours is the finest version of that 'lemon drizzle cake' (for example) that ever has or will be made. This makes you inviolable to any claims of 'sissiness' in the case of cake baking.
d) You must indicate that it would be entirely possible to start a Michelin star restaurant based around that one dish / cake etc.
e) Whether it turns out good or not, you shove it down your throat like it's the food of the Gods.
f) If your guests don't compliment you immediately after their first mouthful, open a little discussion about the merits of the dish's ingredients/balance/cultural adventurousness and the like. Once they say the necessary words, you then move the conversation on to sport and / or politics. This is how guests should enjoy your masterful cooking.
g) For those men confused about their BBQing habits: Note that these rules very much work around a man's relationship with women. They do not promote caveman, 'me-put-meat-on-fire' type behaviour. Note that a cave man would not find himself at a urinal, neither would he be in a restaurant to decide between steak and quiche, he would not have a coat to offer (just an animal skin) and he would have no concept of what a check was. That said, you should get round the BBQ as often as weather allows. Being round the fire with a stick does give a man a 'warm feeling'.
h) Also do err on the side of spicey when cooking your meals. Any indication that spiciness is to be feared (both in your cooking or others') is clearly not acceptable.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 21 ~ Regarding Road Trips:
This is a complex category of guidelines for manly behaviour and has been conveniently broken down for the male mind as follows:
I) Cars:
a) First up, it doesn’t matter what kind of car you take. Whatever your finances allow for, whatever you love driving, take it.
b) However! Never take a road trip in your GF's car, that's what yours is for. She obviously never gets to drive your wheels unless on a road trip (see roles below)
c) You must pay constant attention to the condition of your car. It’s a ladies job to neglect the upkeep of a vehicle.
d) However fast your car you must always challenge the fast ones. If you are old or young you may decide to do this in an aggressive or leisurely/discrete fashion. Either way, you must secretly covet the space in the lane in front of that Ferrari that just cruised past you.
Extra Special: Speed is of the essence.
II) The Roles Of Being A Road Trip Man: The distribution and appointment of these roles is naturally dependant on numberrs. But a Man should be aware of them and designate/delegate these to the inferior males wherever possible.
a) Designated drivers: Anyone who refuses to drive fast fails to make it to the hot seat. Enduring a snail's pace piloting of the ship is simple torture for the speedfreak ~ see role of Driver.
b) Technofreak: This role is increasingly required on modern road trips. There needs to be someone who can man the CD player, radio, use the mobile for arranging amazing manly things, battling with the satnav menu and so on.
c) The Beatch: That means rolling the ciggies, passing the water, sorting out the food in the back seat, etc. If it's justs guys in the car then tough luck on the girly man
d) Navigator: Granted that we now have satnav systems. But these don't all have sexy female voices and are far from commonplace. So you need a navigator. The crap driver is always a good candidate for this, as is the beatch (obvious points of weakness here though), hence this role can be assumed by anyone and is interchangeable.
e) The Driver: Is exempt from all the above. He must simply chew up as much road on behalf of the boys and needs to be pampered constantly for their ‘sterling effort’.
III) All Other rules:
a) Long silences are ok, but not necessary (you could be putting the world to rights).
b) Bladderstops dictated by the one with the greatest control. This should be rolled up with blood circulation exercises (body is a temple remember). Note: If you stop at public toilets, there are specific guidelines issued above. Suffice to say here that the motto “Piss, wash, get out” is always a good one.
c) Fatigue is a rude word. Only girly men in white coats would be sissy enough to say stuff like: “After 18 hours with no sleep your reflexes are as slow as if you were over the drink drive alcohol limit” or “After two hours constant driving, your reactions have slowed significantly” – I mean really!!
d) Dictation of food stops comes from quality of outlet. You should be prepared to drive 50 miles down the road to get a steak, rather than ‘stop now for some quiche’. This should be obvious guys.
e) There are no unnessessary stops to look at wonderful vistas or look for bargains in that quaint antique shop. Get there as fast as possible. Unless you stop at the next pub for a beer or to buy a 'traveler' at the bottleshop ... or to buy a 'slab' (carton of 24 stubbies) for Ron (later on).
Extraneous Circumstances:
i) In the case of a romantic road trip with the GF: She only drives when ‘the true driver’ is good for only sleeping. At all other times, she’s in the passenger seat.
ii) In the case of a family road trip (ie. kids + wife): Well you're on your own there buddy. You made the mistake - you deal with it!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 22 ~ Regarding The Consuming of Alcohol:
a) Do it.
b) As with cooking, bang on about your tipple of choice with plenty of superlatives, and derogatory statements about any rivals' beverages. [eg.: YOURS: "Finest wine known to man", "Most complex arrangement of yeast and hops", "Matured in the finest {insert type of wood} barrels", "Puts hairs on your chest". ANY PRETENDER'S: "Utter crap", "Rat piss", "Hogwash", "That's a woman's drink!"
c) Do NOT EVER drink or order any of the following: ~ Babycham ~ White Wine Spritzer ~ Shandy ~ Frascati ~ Blue Nun ~ Bailey's ~ Archers ~ ANY alcopops ~ Tia Maria mixed with ANYTHING ~ Any other drinks with an overly sweet taste or an alarmingly synthetic colour.*
d) Find or make an excuse to use it in cooking, even if it's a bowl of breakfast cereal. (Yes scotch in oat porridge is delicious!)
e) Have a bar at home and tend it lovingly.
f) Now get drinking!
* If you have ever drunk any of these DON'T WORRY, it is not too late. Just recognise that you have been behaving like a woman who frequents bars masquerading as a man. Renounce your girly ways and all will be well again.
Cheers!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 23 ~ Regarding Contraception: This is really very simple and only two notes of guidance need to be given.
a) A Real Man stands responsible for the consequences of his actions. This clearly applies to contraception. If you are going to have sex, you should be safe and you should be responsible. If you want to come up with some silly excuses to not use contraception, then perhaps you should be following the Rules of Being A Boy, or not being so disrespectful to the woman you are sharing your body with. SIDE NOTE: Ladies ~ It takes two to tango.
b) It is NOT smutty or sleazy to carry a condom in your wallet/pocket/wherever. Just remember this phrase: "It is better to have one and not need it, than to need one and not have it."
<<< !!!!!! RECENTLY PASSED !!!!!! >>>
Our thanks to Elder Brown for proposing the Bill.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 24 ~ Regarding Film Consumption:
Kindly observe the following, with no deviation, hesitation or consternation:
a) "Chick flicks" are banned, under ALL circumstances. Please note the following clarifications on said ruling. They are banned:
i) When watching them by yourself
ii) Or even with other male mates.
iii) Do NOT watch a chick flick willingly with one's girlfriend. One is obliged to put up some sort of fight, even if it is a little half-ass.
Also:
iv) If you have to ask if a movie qualifies as a "chick flick", it’s a chick flick.
v) No matter how hot the female lead is, or how topless she might get. It’s just not worth it boys.
vi) Ditto for "RomComs", which is the same colour and texture sh!t really.
b) By all means, go ahead and enjoy Kung Fu Movies, B horror movies and James Bond films. In fact, one should be able to recall the bond actor, the villain, and how hot the bond girl was in the most famous of bond films.
More specifically on:
c) Action Movies: These are highly recommended. They are good for getting the lads together, necking beers, roaring like carnivorous predators, and appreciating good gore and explosions (which should be accompanied by outbursts of "Yeah, hit 'im were it hurts, man!"). They are also good for getting ladies to cower in horror - thereby needing some soothing and reassurance.
d) Porno Movies: Simple. These are good for giving your "good lady" some ideas! Please, have the decency to follow them through.
e) Horror Movies: See action movies, with extra emphasis on the last line.
f) Art House Movies: If it's going to get you laid, then please go ahead and spout lots of esoteric crap about them.
NB. Motions on TV watching have been excluded from this bill. Rulings and clarifications on this separate medium may well appear at a later date.
Heterosexual males are a funny lot. Today I noticed two things which made me ponder on "The Rules of Being a Man", a heterosexual one that is. These were:
a) During the G8 announcement on TV, I saw Bush shake hands with Olusegun Obasanjo, Nigerian President and Chairman of the African Union. Well they shook hands and then OO grabbed GWB's hand again and kind of stood there holding it, while someone else went on speaking. There were these two leaders, of extremely macho reputations and cultures, just standing in front on the world press holding hands.
It's a bit weird right? (See rules below).b) A female friend of mine was reading 'OK' magazine and I was looking through it curiously trying to get an insight into the empty barrel that is celebrity culture. Well while I was flicking through I saw a photo of David Beckham on the beach in his trunks, with the obligatory shades, tattoo and jewellery. For a moment I was struck and I thought - 'now that's a good looking man'
. Then I checked myself, 'Ram what the hell are you doing?' And I threw the magazine down in disgust. I had just broken one of the golden rules of being a man!I remember going regularly to India as a kid and being shocked at seeing so many guys going around holding hands on the streets. I used to think in my childish ignorance "gosh, there are lots of homos in India!" Of course I don't think that now. You often see men with their arms round each other, holding hands and walking together, but they are just friends. India's, and much of the world's, unspoken rules about being a man are quite different to those in 'the west'. Clearly OO, being Nigerian, had no problem with holding hands with GWB. Yet their's is certainly a macho culture.
So what is it about these unspoken rules of machismo? Why are they specific to different areas?
I will try and list some of these curious, unspoken, macho rules, as they relate to most posters here ie. Those for a western, heterosexual male. And I will also be so much of a time waster that I shall probably update the list as people offer more. Here are a few to start things off.
I would be interested to hear the gay and female perspectives on them. Please bear in mind that I am deliberately being homophobic and misogynistic, for comedy's sake here and also to highlight how they are both innate in the make up of the hetero-male:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 1 ~ Never say that another man is good-looking.
It is totally unacceptable for a heterosexual man to comment on another man's looks. The furthest you can go is to compliment a bloke on his shirt, shoes, suit or tie. Definitely not his hair, complexion, after shave, thighs or six pack
. If you think it, then stop.------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 2 ~ Never talk to a man you don't know whilst at the urinal and certainly never peak over into his cubicle.
The only outside chance of there being an exception here is if you are both clearly shi*-faced drunk. But then the topics of conversation need to be monitored closely to ensure it does not descend into a homosexual encounter. And always keep your eyes up and to the wall when talking.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 3 ~ Refrain from sending each other birthday cards.
This is for women to do, alright? You should not even know when your mate's birthday is.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 4 ~ Physical contact must be closely monitored. This is broken down as follows:
a) No holding hands ever. Hand shake must be firm and the duration dependant on familiarity.
b) Regarding hugging: Only acceptable i) during winning sports occassions. In the case of a loss you can put arms over shoulders but don't let them slide to the waist or around the back. ii) in greeting (this must be short and back slappy) iii) when drunk (but watch it doesn't get out of hand).
c) If feet touch under the table, move them quick and be disturbed about it.
d) Regarding Suntan Lotion: Never apply lotion to another man's back, unless that man is a close relative, and then only in the complete absense of women. If a friend nags you into breaking this rule you should disown them or at least refuse.
e) Regarding kissing: Only between Dads, Grandads, Sons and Brothers. This is only on the cheek. Lips never come into it ok? Just dry cheek on dry cheek and no lingering either. Don't do two, that's clearly unnecessary and reckless. This rule is culturally specific and it should be presumed that all kinds of kissing are well off limits if at all possible.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then it gets complicated as we now have this idea of 'women's equality', adding more confusion for the budding machoman living in the 21st century. Some of the rules have changes and some have not.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 5 ~ Always make a determined effort to pay the bill.
Whether you earn more than the woman or not, you must do so. If the lady insists forcefully, you have to accept that times have changed and let her do it. But make sure she realises you are not happy about it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 6 ~ You must offer your coat when a lady is cold.
Some things never change. You must still presume that she is fragile and incapable of protecting herself.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 7 ~ It is now OK to moisturise. (check exceptions)
We are now allowed / supposed to take pride in our appearance. This means you can go over board on hair wax and moisturisers.
NOTE: This still excludes the use of brands like Oil of Ulay or anything with pink on the label. Nivea is now bordeline into macho. You want to be using starkly designed creams that smell like shi*e if you are a true heterosexual male.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 8 ~ If there is the option of Steak or Quiche on the menu, for god's sake order the steak!
This is a case specific illustration of a general rule. If there is a non-veg option ie. red meat, go for that and ignore the vegetarian shi*e. That stuff is for rabbits and models.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 9 ~ Regarding Crying - don't do it, except:
a) When your team loses - in this case you can do it openly and blubber like an idiot.
b) When there is a bereavement in the family - this must be done reluctantly and in a stiffled fashion. No boo-hoo-hooing, again that's for the ladies and kids. If you feel the need to break down, get it over with quick. The recovery should be noble, with much flaring of the nostrils and whiping of the eye with the back of the hand.
c) All other circumstances are totally unacceptable.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 10 ~ Never read instructions, nor ask for directions or help.
You don't need any help in explaining this one do you?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 11 ~ Regarding 'size'. It's so obvious it matters that you should never even bother discussing it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 12 ~ No blades, no wax, no strips, no buzzing razors near anything but the face and in this case wet shave is what gives you cold steel on skin and greater blood loss. The body is a temple remember, none of the above near any of it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 13 ~ Real men do not hit women in any circumstance.
Again this is the presumption that women are utterly defenceless creatures, completely unable to fend for themselves in anyway. In abiding by this rule, we tacitly condon women hitting men. This is to secure the moral high ground naturally - I mean if women have to resort to violence, this clearly demonstrates their innate irrationality.
You must also be warned that the law courts in most western countries take this similarly condescending view on violence towards women. Just don't do it. You've been given the gift of reason - use it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 14 ~ Regarding Dancing: If you are good, do it, (and make sure it gets you laid). If you not good - don't do it.
No explanation needed at this stage.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 15 ~ This kind of behaviour is neither cool, manly or acceptable (brace yourself gents):
Spoiler :
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 16 ~ You should never admit that another man is willing and able to endure more physical pain than you.
Pain is a man's middle name. Relish it, seek it out, flaunt your ability to endure it for your woman.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 17 ~ If something needs to be done (particularly minor) and just two men are present, you must always be the first to come up with a plan which makes the other man go do that thing.
You're top dog always right? Keep it that way.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 18 ~ Real Men do not wear shoulder pads, especially when playing FOOTball.
Again this speaks for itself.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 19 ~ Real men do not blush.
The only attention which your cheeks should be attracting is to the hard, chiselled line of your jaw.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 20 ~ Regarding cooking: You should refrain from doing this wherever possible. However, it is quite acceptable to do so on occassion, but there are strict guidelines governing this:
a) You must make a god awful mess.
b) You must demand and use the most expensive ingredients.
c) You must declare that yours is the finest version of that 'lemon drizzle cake' (for example) that ever has or will be made. This makes you inviolable to any claims of 'sissiness' in the case of cake baking.
d) You must indicate that it would be entirely possible to start a Michelin star restaurant based around that one dish / cake etc.
e) Whether it turns out good or not, you shove it down your throat like it's the food of the Gods.
f) If your guests don't compliment you immediately after their first mouthful, open a little discussion about the merits of the dish's ingredients/balance/cultural adventurousness and the like. Once they say the necessary words, you then move the conversation on to sport and / or politics. This is how guests should enjoy your masterful cooking.
g) For those men confused about their BBQing habits: Note that these rules very much work around a man's relationship with women. They do not promote caveman, 'me-put-meat-on-fire' type behaviour. Note that a cave man would not find himself at a urinal, neither would he be in a restaurant to decide between steak and quiche, he would not have a coat to offer (just an animal skin) and he would have no concept of what a check was. That said, you should get round the BBQ as often as weather allows. Being round the fire with a stick does give a man a 'warm feeling'.
h) Also do err on the side of spicey when cooking your meals. Any indication that spiciness is to be feared (both in your cooking or others') is clearly not acceptable.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 21 ~ Regarding Road Trips:
This is a complex category of guidelines for manly behaviour and has been conveniently broken down for the male mind as follows:
I) Cars:
a) First up, it doesn’t matter what kind of car you take. Whatever your finances allow for, whatever you love driving, take it.
b) However! Never take a road trip in your GF's car, that's what yours is for. She obviously never gets to drive your wheels unless on a road trip (see roles below)
c) You must pay constant attention to the condition of your car. It’s a ladies job to neglect the upkeep of a vehicle.
d) However fast your car you must always challenge the fast ones. If you are old or young you may decide to do this in an aggressive or leisurely/discrete fashion. Either way, you must secretly covet the space in the lane in front of that Ferrari that just cruised past you.
Extra Special: Speed is of the essence.
II) The Roles Of Being A Road Trip Man: The distribution and appointment of these roles is naturally dependant on numberrs. But a Man should be aware of them and designate/delegate these to the inferior males wherever possible.
a) Designated drivers: Anyone who refuses to drive fast fails to make it to the hot seat. Enduring a snail's pace piloting of the ship is simple torture for the speedfreak ~ see role of Driver.
b) Technofreak: This role is increasingly required on modern road trips. There needs to be someone who can man the CD player, radio, use the mobile for arranging amazing manly things, battling with the satnav menu and so on.
c) The Beatch: That means rolling the ciggies, passing the water, sorting out the food in the back seat, etc. If it's justs guys in the car then tough luck on the girly man
d) Navigator: Granted that we now have satnav systems. But these don't all have sexy female voices and are far from commonplace. So you need a navigator. The crap driver is always a good candidate for this, as is the beatch (obvious points of weakness here though), hence this role can be assumed by anyone and is interchangeable.
e) The Driver: Is exempt from all the above. He must simply chew up as much road on behalf of the boys and needs to be pampered constantly for their ‘sterling effort’.
III) All Other rules:
a) Long silences are ok, but not necessary (you could be putting the world to rights).
b) Bladderstops dictated by the one with the greatest control. This should be rolled up with blood circulation exercises (body is a temple remember). Note: If you stop at public toilets, there are specific guidelines issued above. Suffice to say here that the motto “Piss, wash, get out” is always a good one.
c) Fatigue is a rude word. Only girly men in white coats would be sissy enough to say stuff like: “After 18 hours with no sleep your reflexes are as slow as if you were over the drink drive alcohol limit” or “After two hours constant driving, your reactions have slowed significantly” – I mean really!!
d) Dictation of food stops comes from quality of outlet. You should be prepared to drive 50 miles down the road to get a steak, rather than ‘stop now for some quiche’. This should be obvious guys.
e) There are no unnessessary stops to look at wonderful vistas or look for bargains in that quaint antique shop. Get there as fast as possible. Unless you stop at the next pub for a beer or to buy a 'traveler' at the bottleshop ... or to buy a 'slab' (carton of 24 stubbies) for Ron (later on).
Extraneous Circumstances:
i) In the case of a romantic road trip with the GF: She only drives when ‘the true driver’ is good for only sleeping. At all other times, she’s in the passenger seat.
ii) In the case of a family road trip (ie. kids + wife): Well you're on your own there buddy. You made the mistake - you deal with it!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 22 ~ Regarding The Consuming of Alcohol:
a) Do it.
b) As with cooking, bang on about your tipple of choice with plenty of superlatives, and derogatory statements about any rivals' beverages. [eg.: YOURS: "Finest wine known to man", "Most complex arrangement of yeast and hops", "Matured in the finest {insert type of wood} barrels", "Puts hairs on your chest". ANY PRETENDER'S: "Utter crap", "Rat piss", "Hogwash", "That's a woman's drink!"
c) Do NOT EVER drink or order any of the following: ~ Babycham ~ White Wine Spritzer ~ Shandy ~ Frascati ~ Blue Nun ~ Bailey's ~ Archers ~ ANY alcopops ~ Tia Maria mixed with ANYTHING ~ Any other drinks with an overly sweet taste or an alarmingly synthetic colour.*
d) Find or make an excuse to use it in cooking, even if it's a bowl of breakfast cereal. (Yes scotch in oat porridge is delicious!)
e) Have a bar at home and tend it lovingly.
f) Now get drinking!
* If you have ever drunk any of these DON'T WORRY, it is not too late. Just recognise that you have been behaving like a woman who frequents bars masquerading as a man. Renounce your girly ways and all will be well again.
Cheers!
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RULE 23 ~ Regarding Contraception: This is really very simple and only two notes of guidance need to be given.
a) A Real Man stands responsible for the consequences of his actions. This clearly applies to contraception. If you are going to have sex, you should be safe and you should be responsible. If you want to come up with some silly excuses to not use contraception, then perhaps you should be following the Rules of Being A Boy, or not being so disrespectful to the woman you are sharing your body with. SIDE NOTE: Ladies ~ It takes two to tango.
b) It is NOT smutty or sleazy to carry a condom in your wallet/pocket/wherever. Just remember this phrase: "It is better to have one and not need it, than to need one and not have it."
<<< !!!!!! RECENTLY PASSED !!!!!! >>>
Our thanks to Elder Brown for proposing the Bill.
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RULE 24 ~ Regarding Film Consumption:
Kindly observe the following, with no deviation, hesitation or consternation:
a) "Chick flicks" are banned, under ALL circumstances. Please note the following clarifications on said ruling. They are banned:
i) When watching them by yourself
ii) Or even with other male mates.
iii) Do NOT watch a chick flick willingly with one's girlfriend. One is obliged to put up some sort of fight, even if it is a little half-ass.
Also:
iv) If you have to ask if a movie qualifies as a "chick flick", it’s a chick flick.
v) No matter how hot the female lead is, or how topless she might get. It’s just not worth it boys.
vi) Ditto for "RomComs", which is the same colour and texture sh!t really.
b) By all means, go ahead and enjoy Kung Fu Movies, B horror movies and James Bond films. In fact, one should be able to recall the bond actor, the villain, and how hot the bond girl was in the most famous of bond films.
More specifically on:
c) Action Movies: These are highly recommended. They are good for getting the lads together, necking beers, roaring like carnivorous predators, and appreciating good gore and explosions (which should be accompanied by outbursts of "Yeah, hit 'im were it hurts, man!"). They are also good for getting ladies to cower in horror - thereby needing some soothing and reassurance.
d) Porno Movies: Simple. These are good for giving your "good lady" some ideas! Please, have the decency to follow them through.
e) Horror Movies: See action movies, with extra emphasis on the last line.
f) Art House Movies: If it's going to get you laid, then please go ahead and spout lots of esoteric crap about them.
NB. Motions on TV watching have been excluded from this bill. Rulings and clarifications on this separate medium may well appear at a later date.
nice ruleset
