Heterosexual males are a funny lot. Today I noticed two things which made me ponder on
"The Rules of Being a Man", a heterosexual one that is. These were:
a) During the G8 announcement on TV, I saw Bush shake hands with Olusegun Obasanjo, Nigerian President and Chairman of the African Union. Well they shook hands and then OO grabbed GWB's hand again and kind of stood there holding it, while someone else went on speaking. There were these two leaders, of extremely macho reputations and cultures, just standing in front on the world press
holding hands.
It's a bit weird right? (See rules below).
b) A female friend of mine was reading 'OK' magazine and I was looking through it curiously trying to get an insight into the empty barrel that is celebrity culture. Well while I was flicking through I saw a photo of David Beckham on the beach in his trunks, with the obligatory shades, tattoo and jewellery. For a moment I was struck and I thought -
'now that's a good looking man' . Then I checked myself, 'Ram what the hell are you doing?' And I threw the magazine down in disgust. I had just broken one of the golden rules of being a man!
I remember going regularly to India as a kid and being shocked at seeing so many guys going around holding hands on the streets. I used to think in my childish ignorance "gosh, there are lots of homos in India!" Of course I don't think that now. You often see men with their arms round each other, holding hands and walking together, but they are just friends. India's, and much of the world's, unspoken rules about being a man are quite different to those in 'the west'. Clearly OO, being Nigerian, had no problem with holding hands with GWB. Yet their's is certainly a macho culture.
So what is it about these unspoken rules of machismo? Why are they specific to different areas?
I will try and list some of these curious, unspoken, macho rules, as they relate to most posters here ie. Those for a western, heterosexual male. And I will also be so much of a time waster that I shall probably update the list as people offer more. Here are a few to start things off.
I would be interested to hear the gay and female perspectives on them. Please bear in mind that I am deliberately being homophobic and mysoginistic, for comedy's sake here and also to highlight how they are both innate in the make up of the hetero-male:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 1 ~
Never say that another man is good-looking.
It is totally unacceptable for a heterosexual man to comment on another man's looks. The furthest you can go is to compliment a bloke on his shirt, shoes, suit or tie. Definitely
not his hair, complexion, after shave, thighs or six pack
. If you think it, then stop.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 2 ~
Never talk to a man you don't know whilst at the urinal and certainly never peak over into his cubicle.
The only outside chance of there being an exception here is if you are both clearly shi*-faced drunk. But then the topics of conversation need to be monitored closely to ensure it does not descend into a homosexual encounter. And always keep your eyes up and
to the wall when talking.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 3 ~
Refrain from sending each other birthday cards.
This is for women to do, alright? You should not even know when your mate's birthday is.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 4 ~
Physical contact must be closely monitored. This is broken down as follows:
a) No holding hands
ever. Hand shake must be firm and the duration dependant on familiarity.
b) Regarding
hugging: Only acceptable i) during
winning sports occassions. In the case of a loss you can put arms over shoulders but
don't let them slide to the waist or around the back. ii) in greeting (this must be short and back slappy) iii) when drunk (but watch it doesn't get out of hand).
c) If feet touch under the table, move them quick and be disturbed about it.
d) Regarding Suntan Lotion: Never apply lotion to another man's back, unless that man is a close relative, and then only in the complete absense of women. If a friend nags you into breaking this rule you should disown them or at least refuse.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then it gets complicated as we now have this idea of 'women's equality', adding more confusion for the budding machoman living in the 21st century. Some of the rules have changes and some have not.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 5 ~
Always make a determined effort to pay the bill.
Whether you earn more than the woman or not, you must do so. If the lady insists forcefully, you have to accept that times have changed and let her do it. But make sure she realises you are not happy about it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 6 ~
You must offer your coat when a lady is cold.
Some things never change. You must still presume that she is fragile and incapable of protecting herself.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 7 ~
It is now OK to moisturise. (check exceptions)
We are now allowed / supposed to take pride in our appearance. This means you can go over board on hair wax and moisturisers.
NOTE: This still excludes the use of brands like Oil of Ulay or anything with pink on the label. Nivea is now bordeline into macho. You want to be using starkly designed creams that smell like shi*e if you are a true heterosexual male.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 8 ~
If there is the option of Steak or Quiche on the menu, for god's sake order the steak!
This is a case specific illustration of a general rule. If there is a non-veg option ie. red meat, go for that and ignore the vegetarian shi*e. That stuff is for rabbits and models.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 9 ~ Regarding Crying -
don't do it, except:
a) When your team loses - in this case you can do it openly and blubber like an idiot.
b) When there is a bereavement in the family - this must be done reluctantly and in a stiffled fashion. No boo-hoo-hooing, again that's for the ladies and kids. If you feel the need to break down, get it over with quick. The recovery should be noble, with much flaring of the nostrils and whiping of the eye with the back of the hand.
c) All other circumstances are totally unacceptable.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 10 ~
Never ask for directions or help.
You don't need any help in explaining this one do you?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 11 ~ Regarding 'size'. It's so obvious it matters that you should never even bother discussing it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RULE 12 ~
No blades, no wax, no strips, no buzzing razors near anything but the face and in this case
wet shave is what gives you cold steel on skin and greater blood loss. The body is a temple remember, none of the above near
any of it.
