Dear President Bush:
As a concerned conservative Christian, I always keep an eagle eye out for any of my fellow citizens (foreign trash can -- and will -- go straight to the Hell they so thoroughly deserve) who deviate from my own personal choices of faith, footwear and idiom. Furthermore, as a diamond-pavé level tither at Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals, I have a particularly keen eye when it comes to spotting the pernicious indicia of those who are subconsciously flirting with becoming a flamboyant homo. I can't tell you how often I find myself tapping the shoulder of some subtlety prancing stranger to let them know I know they are secretly homosexual!
Most of these men appear shocked to be told that they have suddenly become a slinking queen. Often, after such a spontaneous social intervention, the homosexual I selflessly help, still in denial, will respond with annoyance and (sometimes obscene) protestations. Nevertheless, it is my Christian duty to persevere and tell these sad, sick flamers that they are like people who sleep with their toothless sisters or shoplift inexpensive and loud fragrances from Eckerd's (quoting with fidelity the keen observations of inclusive Republican senators Santorum or Lott).
This brings me to a delicate point, which I trust you will read with a mind open to the bracing jolt of the unavoidable truth and a cheek ready for the bruising slap of a righteous rebuke. Frankly, you use the word "fabulous" more often than a Fire Island florist at a Cher concert after his fourth Singapore sling. You may not have even realized that you have been using this secret homosexual mating call, which you, no doubt, picked up while frolicking in tumescent nakedness among the open coffins with your buddies at Yale while in Skull and Bones (with a disappointing emphasis on the latter).
The Lord Jesus is using me to call you out of the sinful lifestyle of homosexuality! And the first step to regaining your rugged Texas-style masculinity will be to butch-up your speech, dear. Instead of peppering your addresses with a fey "fabulous," try referring to those worthy of praise as: rich, angry, closed-minded and pious.
Praying as I type,
A concerned Christian voter
