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The Story of 18 Civs; the Egyptian Version

Discussion in 'Civ4 - Stories & Tales' started by Pacifist46, Jun 27, 2008.

  1. Pacifist46

    Pacifist46 King

    Joined:
    May 22, 2008
    Messages:
    907
    Location:
    england
    1440BC​

    More strangers arrive
    HATSHEPSUT: Hah! We have discovered more idiots!
    KHALID: I hate to say, actually they discovered us. And they come from the west, not the east.
    HATSHEPSUT: The West? There’s nothing to be found there but barbarians and desert . . .

    (A stranger enters)

    HATSHEPSUT: . . . and crackpot leaders.
    STRANGER: Welcome, Hatshepsut. I, Mansa Musa, humble ruler of Mali, offer my hand to you in friendship.
    HATSHEPSUT: I’m not surprised. You must be scared stiff of the Egyptian army.
    MANSA MUSA: If you say so.
    HATSHEPSUT: I do. Would you like peace then?
    MANSA MUSA: I would.
    HATSHEPSUT: Hmm . . . go on then. But watch your back.
    MANSA MUSA: Sure. Bye, Hatshepsut

    (Mansa exits)

    SCYTHE: Another peacemonger, to add to India.
    HATSHEPSUT: I’m not sure I like the idea of sending our troops through that desert though . . . let’s stick to the plan.
     

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  2. Pacifist46

    Pacifist46 King

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    907
    Location:
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    1320BC​

    Mansa Musa is back already
    HATSHEPSUT: You forgot to ask something?
    MANSA MUSA: Do you want Open Borders with Mali?
    HATSHEPSUT: Hell, go for it. You’re so weak, it doesn’t really matter.
    MANSA MUSA: I’ll take that as a yes.
    (Mansa exits)
    HATSHEPSUT: Ay, you were saying?
    AY: Judaism was founded recently.
    HATSHEPSUT: If I’ve told you once, Ay, I’ve told you three times; I DON’T GIVE ABOUT RELIGION! So do me a favour and SHUT UP!
     
  3. Pacifist46

    Pacifist46 King

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    907
    Location:
    england
    1120BC​

    Yet more strangers arrive
    HATSHEPSUT: More of them . . . If they all ganged up on me now, I might even lose a city.

    (Stranger enters)

    STRANGER: Welcome to Rome, Hatshepsut. Care for some salad? I made it myself.
    HATSHEPSUT: Uhh, salad is so gross.
    CAESAR: Just because it’s healthy. I notice Thebes could do with a bit more health.
    HATSHEPSUT: None of your biz. Oh, and by the way, do you want Open Borders?
    CAESAR: I suppose I could do that.
    HATSHEPSUT: Good. Now bugger off, will you?

    (Caesar exits)

    SCYTHE: Oh dear. Don’t attack him, my lady.
    HATSHEPSUT: Why the bloody hell NOT?
    SCYTHE: My intelligence says he has Praetorians. Elite soldiers, they could crush our units.
    HATSHEPSUT: The time I start heeding your intelligence, Scythe, is when it starts competing with the intelligence of the other ferns in the palace.
    KHALID: Harsh, but true.
    SCYTHE: Fine, don’t listen to me. You’ll regret it.
     

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  4. Pacifist46

    Pacifist46 King

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    Location:
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    1040BC​

    And there were more strangers
    STRANGER: Germany the great and its superior people greet you. I, Frederick, desire peace with all my neighbours – even with your puny culture.
    HATSHEPSUT: WHAT?
    FREDERICK: I said, do you what peace or not?
    HATSHEPSUT: Peace for now, you puny culture, but watch out, or the superior Egyptian people will destroy you.
    FREDERICK: Whatever. Toodles! (Frederick exits)
    HATSHEPSUT: Scythe, that military had better be building up well.
    SCYTHE: It is. We’re almost ready to attack the Persians, as you can see from the powergraph. Maybe another dozen turns or so.
    HATSHEPSUT: Good.
     

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  5. Pacifist46

    Pacifist46 King

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    Location:
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    950BC​

    Cyrus wants another talk - early
    HATSHEPSUT: What the hell do you want, you slime infested greaseball?
    CYRUS: And good morning to you too Hatshepsut.
    HATSHEPSUT: You woke me up for anything good, or just pestering me for Open Borders again?
    CYRUS: Not Open Borders, no. I was just wondering whether you would agree to an agreement of a legal nature, which comprises of a set of conditions, equal for both nations involved, being signed with Persia. Such an agreement would propose the idea that units, both civilian and military, might gain clearance to pass through, and indeed explore, the lands and cities of the opposite nation.
    HATSHEPSUT: All the s**t taken out, that’s Open Borders, isn’t it?
    CYRUS: Damn.
    HATSHEPSUT: Just bugger off.
     
  6. Pacifist46

    Pacifist46 King

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    Location:
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    875BC​

    Hatshepsut speaks to Scythe
    HATSHEPSUT: I understand we have researched Horseback Riding and Mathematics?
    SCYTHE: I can’t remember, that was at least a few turns ago.
    HATSHEPSUT: Well, we have, and we’ve started Bronze Working. But, more importantly, I hear we now have 3 Horse Archers and 4 War Chariots?
    SCYTHE: At last count, that was true, my lady.
    HATSHEPSUT: Excellent. Let’s get this war underway, then.
    SCYTHE: Whaat? But . . .
    HATSHEPSUT: All three cities are currently producing Horse Archer, are they not?
    SCYTHE: I suppose, but still . . .
    HATSHEPSUT: Well then, more will come. Move our units over the Persian border.

    (The stack of Horses and Chariots begins to move over the faint blue tinge on the ground. Within minutes, Hatshepsut can make out the outline of a lone rider approaching. As the rider gets nearer. Hatshepsut realises that it is indeed Cyrus)

    CYRUS: I thought you didn’t want Open Borders?
    HATSHEPSUT: Never mind that. This is war, see? I’m declaring war . . .
    To be continued . . .
     
  7. DMOC

    DMOC Mathematician

    Joined:
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    5,594
    Impressive...hope to see more of this! :)
     
  8. MadmanOfALeader

    MadmanOfALeader Deity

    Joined:
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    2,487
    Still good...

    You're on your way to being the British Flouzemaker!
     
  9. MadmanOfALeader

    MadmanOfALeader Deity

    Joined:
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    2,487
    Still good...

    You're on your way to being the British Flouzemaker!
     
  10. Pacifist46

    Pacifist46 King

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    Thanks for all the positive replies - and there is more to come, I hope
     
  11. Pacifist46

    Pacifist46 King

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    PART II
    850BC​

    Hatshepsut must greet more visitors
    HATSHEPSUT: More bloody foreigners. Where do this lot come from, I wonder?

    (a stranger enters)

    STRANGER: Vell hello zhere, Hatshepsut. It is a pleazure to meet you at last! I’m always looking for CLOSER relations vith other leaders, if you get my drift . . .
    HATSHEPSUT: You do realise I’m a woman, do you?
    CATHERINE: Oh bugger. I take it back, I take it back!
    HATSHEPSUT: Just as well, since I’m not that type.
    CATHERINE: I . . . I zink I’ll just leave.
    HATSHEPSUT: Better for the both of us.

    (Catherine exits)

    SCYTHE: I don’t get that.
    HATSHEPSUT: I would try and explain it to you, but I can’t be bothered right now. Now, tell me what happened in the Persian War.
    SCYTHE: We captured Pasargardae, my lady.
    HATSHEPSUT: YES! I knew those Persians were a bunch of women. Push on then.
    KHALID: If I might speak, my lady . . .
    HATSHEPSUT: Then I would be bored to death. Meeting over.
     

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  12. Pacifist46

    Pacifist46 King

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    775BC
    Scythe has more war reports
    SCYTHE: Good news and bad news, people.
    AY: Good news first, then.
    HATSHEPSUT: WAIT! I’m queen, and I say, bad news first.
    SCYTHE: Well, the bad news kinda doesn’t make sense without . . .
    HATSHEPSUT: Do I look like I care?
    SCYTHE: Two of our War Chariots and one of our horse Archers have been destroyed.
    HATSHEPSUT: WHAT? How did that happen?
    SCYTHE: They were attacking Persepolis.
    HATSHEPSUT: Oh. Well, I’m sure you can just get the rest of your troops to attack the city, now it is weakened. Honestly, do I need to tell you everything?
    SCYTHE: Well . . . we took Persepolis this morning, my lady.
    HATSHEPSUT: YES! Wait . . . I thought you said that our troops died in the attack though?
    SCYTHE: Not all of them. Even you can be stupid sometimes, my lady.
    HATSHEPSUT: Oh yeah? Remember who runs this empire, Scythe. If I hear you insult me again, I’m going to see how many of your internal organs I can painfully remove without you dying.
    AY: Your previous record was four, was it not?
    HATSHEPSUT: It was five actually, you dimwit.
     

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  13. Pacifist46

    Pacifist46 King

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    725BC
    Scythe has more good news and bad news
    SCYTHE: First on today’s menu: Lightly grilled Persian flesh on a baked bed of rubble from the city of Ecbatana, with a light dressing of blood if you require.
    HATSHEPSUT: I’ll take more of that. That sounds delicious.
    SCYTHE: Yeah, well, unfortunately the Persians had a similar lunch.
    HATSHEPSUT: You are NOT telling me you LOST a CITY?
    SCYTHE: Erm . . . in that case, no, I didn’t. In fact, Persepolis is definitely still Egyptian, and besides, I wasn’t there when the Persians captured it, so how would I even know?
    HATSHEPSUT: I KNEW it! Leaving an injured Horse Archer to defend a city is idiotic in the extreme!
    SCYTHE: Don’t worry, my lady. Forces are coming from Pasargardae and the former site of Ecbatana and will liberate it.
    HATSHEPSUT: Let’s hope they do, before I liberate your body.
     

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  14. Pacifist46

    Pacifist46 King

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    625BC
    Scythe’s war report is again ready
    SCYTHE: We have retaken Persepolis easily, and now the Persians have one final stronghold left; Susa, wedged between us and the Indians.
    HATSHEPSUT: Ha! Let us ride forward and crush them against the purple wall! They have nowhere to run now.
    SCYTHE: Also, a great general has emerged in the field; Gustavus II Adolphus. A Horse Archer by trade, he will lead the final attack, once the troops are refreshed.
    HATSHEPSUT: No more Cyrus. :laugh: However will I cope?
    KHALID: Speaking of Cyrus, he wants to see you.

    (Cyrus enters)

    CYRUS: I greet Hatshepsut, goddess ruler of the Egyptian Empire.
    HATSHEPSUT: You do indeed, mortal.
    CYRUS: This war is not achieving anything, and surely one of such great wisdom can see that. Both our peoples are weary of this war, and fear runs through them like a shadow which never disappears. Therefore, the way forward is clear; we must end the war. Do you not agree?
    HATSHEPSUT: No. I will not rest until every Persian warrior is eliminated.
    CYRUS: (loses his cool): Bloody HELL, Hatshepsut. Do you not already have enough of our bloody lands?
    HATSHEPSUT: The only reason your lands are bloody, is because Persian blood covers them the way vultures do a dying goat. My men are vultures, Persia is the dying goat.
    CYRUS: Very well, Hatshepsut. I see mercy is not in your nature. I will not see you again – one way or the other.

    (Cyrus exits)

    HATSHEPSUT: What kind of muppet does he take me for?
    AY: I shall not answer that, my lady, as much as it would give me short-lived pleasure to oblige.
     
  15. Pacifist46

    Pacifist46 King

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    475BC
    Scythe is back from the war
    SCYTHE: The Persians no longer exist, now their capital, Susa, is in Egyptian hands.
    HATSHEPSUT: Good work Scythe! I now make that two civilizations in the dust.
    KHALID: Which leads me to ask: Who will be next?
    HATSHEPSUT: OK guys, I may change my mind, but at the moment India looks juicy. Our troops are mostly down that way anyway.
    SCYTHE: India will not crumble as easily, my lady, and our forces are depleted.
    HATSHEPSUT: Yeah well, we can do it guys. Not yet though.
     
  16. Pacifist46

    Pacifist46 King

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    450BC​

    A council meeting is scheduled
    KHALID: Since we last bothered to say, we have finished Bronze Working and Construction!
    HATSHEPSUT: Awesome. Go for Iron Working next, as I suspect there is some near Persepolis that we can now use. Meanwhile, start those catapults rolling.
    SCYTHE: Awesome!
    HATSHEPSUT: One more thing; I need to bugger off to Greece.

    (3 days later, and Hatshepsut is dining with Alexander)

    ALEXANDER: The fish is nice, don’t you think?
    HATSHEPSUT: That’s why I’m here. Are you bored of fish every day? Would you like to have something extra, something different?
    ALEXANDER: You sound like an advert but, yes, go on.
    HATSHEPSUT: Egypt has 2 Wheat, Greece has 2 Fish. Work out all possible trades.
    ALEXANDER: Hmm . . . no, I can’t do it. You’ll have to tell me.
    HATSHEPSUT: (sighs) Howsabout a Trade: Wheat for Fish?
    ALEXANDER: Actually, I think that might work. You’re on.
    HATSHEPSUT: Great.
     
  17. Pacifist46

    Pacifist46 King

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    350BC​
    Catherine is back
    CATHERINE: OK. Let me get zis straight; you’re a woman?
    HATSHEPSUT: Yes.
    CATHERINE: Zo I can talk normally?
    HATSHEPSUT: No, but you can talk like you normally do.
    CATHERINE: OK. Would you like Open Borders with ze Russians?
    HATSHEPSUT: No, but I’ll go for it anyway.
    CATHERINE: Zat’s good. Maybe I see you in Russia soon, yes?
    HATSHEPSUT: Don’t wait up.

    (Catherine exits)

    HATSHEPSUT: I hear that Russia is the second biggest civilization in the world now, after us?
    AY: According to Tacitus, yes.
    HATSHEPSUT: Hmm. Maybe a potential rival. Oh well.
    SCYTHE: Are we still attacking the Indians first?
    HATSHEPSUT: Ooh, I’m glad you reminded me. I have changed my mind about war.
    AY: Finally, we get some peace.
    HATSHEPSUT: We’re attacking Greece instead.
    AY: WHAT? But you traded with Greece not long ago!
    HATSHEPSUT: Yes, but India is too far from Thebes. It makes the Empire much more expensive to maintain if the capital is right in one corner.
    KHALID: You could always move the capital to, say, Persepolis.
    HATSHEPSUT: WHAT? Bugger off, Khalid. I like it here in Thebes, I ain’t moving. Greece is closer, technologically backward, and has few friends; only Catherine and that Chinese dude, I think. Also, Asoka is Pleased and Alexander is only Cautious AND, Argos and Corinth nearby are weakly defended with just an Archer. Greece it is.
    SCYTHE: I don’t care either which way, my lady. I’ll move our veterans and also fresh troops into Corinth, where a small force will leave for Argos, and the main force for Corinth. We will have Iron in a few turns, so that will boost us, and now we have War Elephants as well.
    HATSHEPSUT: Sounds fine. Let’s go.
     

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  18. Pacifist46

    Pacifist46 King

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    100BC​

    Hatshepsut and Scythe are in Memphis
    HATSHEPSUT: OK, we’re ready. Let’s do this.

    (A trumpet blasts out and the forces roll. An hour later, Alexander arrives in Memphis, furious)

    HATSHEPSUT: What took you so long? Cyrus took only a few minutes.
    ALEXANDER: I went to Thebes first, and that isn’t the point. What are you doing?
    HATSHEPSUT: What does it look like?
    ALEXANDER: OK OK, you’re not in the mood to talk. I get the picture.

    (Alexander leaves)

    HATSHEPSUT: Soon Corinth and Argos will be ours.
     
  19. Pacifist46

    Pacifist46 King

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    75BC
    Sure enough, the attack is successful
    SCYTHE: Both Corinth and Argos are now under our control, my lady.
    HATSHEPSUT: Sound as! Keep on going.
     

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  20. Pacifist46

    Pacifist46 King

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    Location:
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    1AD​

    Leaders queue up outside
    HATSHEPSUT: Jeez! This isn’t the United Nations, you know. What do they want?
    AY: Probably protestors against the war with Greece.
    KHALID: No, they’re here to trade.

    (Qin Shi Huang enters)

    QIN: I have Alphabet now. It allows trading of technologies, such as your Horseback Riding.
    HATSHEPSUT: OK then. Alphabet for Horseback Riding it is.
    QIN: China is not stupid, Hatshepsut. I also need 15 gold.
    HATSHEPSUT: That’s basically nothing. Deal.

    (Qin exits, Mansa enters)

    MANSA: You have not even researched Fishing yet, I see.
    HATSHEPSUT: Shut up Mansa. You lack Agriculture.
    MANSA: That is the deal I propose.
    HATSHEPSUT: I need gold as well. Preferably all you have.
    MANSA: Done.
    HATSHEPSUT: Cool. How much gold did you have?
    MANSA: 20. See ya.
    HATSHEPSUT: Scoundrel! OH, it’s not too bad I suppose.

    (Frederick enters)

    FREDERICK: OK, let’s make this quick: I give you Mysticism, you give me Alphabet. Deal?
    HATSHEPSUT: Bugger OFF!
    FREDERICK: Thanks . . . wait, you didn’t take it?
    HATSHEPSUT: I said, BUGGER OFF!
     

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