constantinople
not Istanbul
Chapter I: Don't Count Your Stantinople Before it's Conquered by the Ottomans
It is the year 1280. April 3rd. Grand Mediocre Duke Sultan King Prince Lord Sir Kaiser Sillyman ibn Allah has dawned a smelly onion on his head and declared himself King of the Turkeys. He has vowed to capture the city of Constantinople (not Istanbul) and recapture his stolen Ottoman. He has raised an army of skilled soldiers, couch potatoes, and prisoners preforming "community service" and is preparing to siege the semi-holy Byzantine city. Nothing can stop him. Actually, several things can stop him but they won't stop him! For he descends from the mighty Seljerk Terks, who pillaged the lands and never held doors for their wives. With that messy, evil blood in his veins, Sillyman wields absolute power and was destined for glory!
Spoiler :
"The time is now. 12:18. Time for lunch," said the Sultan, as his stomach growled for human flesh.
"Sire, our forces are ready to attack the city," said one of Sillyman's advisers, "It appears the Byzantine Empire collapsed. The city is weaker than ever and divided. But we've noticed something odd about it..."
"Sire, our forces are ready to attack the city," said one of Sillyman's advisers, "It appears the Byzantine Empire collapsed. The city is weaker than ever and divided. But we've noticed something odd about it..."
Spoiler :
"Aw, how cute," said Sillyman. He clapped his hands together and flashed a teethy smile.
Turkic missionaries took advantage of this and entered the grand city. They converted a potion of the populace to Islam. They gained support by handing out complementary coupons for free burritos at Burger Sultan.
The Byzantine Emperor (who was really just a regular Emperor) allowed this, but he was probably just too lazy to bother persecuting non-Christians. It's hard being the emperor, trust me.
Turkic missionaries took advantage of this and entered the grand city. They converted a potion of the populace to Islam. They gained support by handing out complementary coupons for free burritos at Burger Sultan.
The Byzantine Emperor (who was really just a regular Emperor) allowed this, but he was probably just too lazy to bother persecuting non-Christians. It's hard being the emperor, trust me.
Spoiler :
Randomly, the vile, heathen Byzzies canceled the open border agreement. All Ottomans in the Empire were expelled to Anatolia.
"What?! Those monsters! Take down the city!" shouted Sillyman.
"Yessir!" fiercely replied Mohammad, the military adviser.
Turkic soldiers poured into Byzantine territory. The Turks set up a small fort outside of Constantinople (not Istanbul) to bombard the city and make obscene gestures to the emperor.
"What?! Those monsters! Take down the city!" shouted Sillyman.
"Yessir!" fiercely replied Mohammad, the military adviser.
Turkic soldiers poured into Byzantine territory. The Turks set up a small fort outside of Constantinople (not Istanbul) to bombard the city and make obscene gestures to the emperor.
Spoiler :
Ottoman cavalry charged into the city. The battle would've been an epic bloodshed, but several soldiers forget their arches at the base so they had to turn around in the midst of combat. Legend says that during the battle, an angel swooped down into Constantinople (not Istanbul), and turned the Byzantine Emperor into Frozen Carbonate. Then, the angel carried the emperor over the greasy Roman Roads and dropped him so he shattered into a zillion pieces. This could represent the shattering of the Byzantine Empire, or maybe the angel saw that epic scene from Terminator 2 where the bad guy breaks like glass, it's really hard to tell.
"Finally, Constantinople (not Istanbul) has been conquered. The Roman Empire is dead, and I am its slayer," remarked Sillyman.
The Sultan finally was able to reign from his royal Ottoman. He named his empire after this piece of furniture: the Ottoman Empire. But the Sultan wouldn't stop there. He would unite all of the Mediterranean and the former Byzantine Empire under his semi-brutal regime! Or die trying. Preferably he lived.
"Finally, Constantinople (not Istanbul) has been conquered. The Roman Empire is dead, and I am its slayer," remarked Sillyman.
The Sultan finally was able to reign from his royal Ottoman. He named his empire after this piece of furniture: the Ottoman Empire. But the Sultan wouldn't stop there. He would unite all of the Mediterranean and the former Byzantine Empire under his semi-brutal regime! Or die trying. Preferably he lived.
Spoiler :
The capture of Constantinople (not Istanbul). The residents allowed their subjugation under the condition the city wasn't renamed Istanbul (not Constantinople). Little did they know, the Sultan had his fingers crossed...