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Theodora's Always War Sid Excellent Adventure

Discussion in 'Civ3 - Stories & Tales' started by handy900, Mar 29, 2005.

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  1. handy900

    handy900 Deity

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    Can a warrior who loves the fight – but who does not like to MM and is only average at the task - win on a regular size map @ Always War Sid? Theodora must find out.

    To do this, Theodora must maximize her beauty and her assets by taking full advantage of the AI weakness.
    The AI won’t attack armies, and are loath to attack boats that are stacked. Theodora will pillage and pillage and pillage some more and will show no mercy for any AI improvements. The AI will never set foot on the Byzantine soil if they are sunk before they reach Theodora’s homeland. Fortifying units all around the Byzantine coastline is too much of an exploit and Theodora will not tolerate it. She will taunt the AI with her open unguarded coastline and minimally protected cities. She will create a kill zone on water for her Dromons.

    Yes, yes, yes…it’s cheating to use an archipelago map, but Theodora realizes winning on continents or Pangaea is not possible, and has chosen an island map. :D

    Theodora’s thoughts are:
    * She wants to win by conquest or domination.
    * She desired a map where she is alone on an island with decent terrain. For her this means food, fresh water and luxuries. The resource she covets is saltpeter. She will play a random standard size island map with a decent start.
    * Theodora will send out dinky little boats asap to meet the neighbors & get them in war mode as early as possible. She hopes there are sea tiles between her and the neighbors to protect her coast until Astronomy. If there is a coastal passage to the Byzantine island, she is in deep water. ;) The mighty Sid AI fears the sea until Astronomy. By the time astronomy arrives, Theodora will rule the seas. The downside of this is that luxuries and resources across the seas are not available to her until astronomy.
    * Theodora has no plans to move the research slider above 10% for most of the game. She will use 0% and a lone scientist much of the game. If Theodora misses the Glib, she is doomed to life as a concubine, unless of course Theodora can capture the Glib by baiting the AI away from the Glib city. The sight of a beautifully exposed lone Byzantine warrior can be quite alluring to the digital eyes of a 100+ stack of lonely pikes and MI.
    * The Byzantine shipbuilders must build fire-spewing dromons by the dozens and pillage the AI coastal tiles to slow the tech pace. These flamethrowers must sink all AI ship traffic until the AI has a full complement of land units, at which point the AI will have no cash to support a decent navy.
    *Invasion plans involve an attack on an AI continent with massive musket support to produce a bunch of leaders on defense, and knock off an ironless backward AI. Theodora plans to settle on a hill, rush walls, then sit back and watch 100+ AI archers make 40 Byzantine elite muskets in a single turn. Her first target must be ironless and only be able to attack with horse or archer units.
    * The newly seized AI lands, as well as any crappy little island she sees will be populated by corrupt cities, which will be placed on wealth for the unit support and will grow taxmen.
    * The leaders obtained from strike force alpha will build musket armies to be inserted on the more advanced AI homelands. The army insertion is tricky, and success depends on a favorable AI island shape. If no safe landing area exists, Theodora will patiently wait for the arrival of Caravels since the AI won’t attack a 2-musket army with MI or knights on a mountain insertion. Theodora is unsure of how cavalry will react to a 2-musket army on a mountain, and she will avoid finding out.
    *Theodora will bait the AI to pull them out of the cities, then raze cities with artillery and cheap LBs. Theodora expects to not build any MI or swords even if she has iron because they are too expensive. Theodora wants to hoard cash for a spear and archer upgrade.
    * If the game ever gets to communism, Theodora has plans to revolt in a heartbeat, despite how unfair it will be to the AI. Otherwise she will remain a queen.
    *What has Theodora forgotten…oh, build the Glib.
    *Did she mention pillage?
    Chapter One
    Chapter Two
    Chapter Three
    Chapter Four
    Chapter Five
    Mail Call
    Chapter Six
    Chapter Seven
    Chapter Eight
    Chapter Nine
    The Monument
    Chapter Ten
    Chapter Eleven
    Chapter Twelve
     

    Attached Files:

  2. handy900

    handy900 Deity

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    Chapter One
    4000 BC to 700BC
    [EDIT] Theodora ordered a total rewrite of Chapter 1 which was posted April 1.

    :nuke: Warning: Theodora’s AWS adventure is full of lousy and corny jokes and is not suitable for those who have not entered fifth grade, or those who do not find fifth grade humor funny. Don't say I didn't warn you.


    Theodora founds her capital on a river near two milk trucks and the game tips in her favor at this point. The game tips! At 4000BC! Yes, you read it right. The game is over already, the AI just doesn’t know it. These AI…they are so predictable…it’s like the are programmed or something. Anyway, Theodora has spent so much time thinking outside the box her head is spinning. Sometimes she thinks so many people are now outside the box that being inside the box is now like being outside the box.

    Theodora has lots to do. She has selected Always War Sid because it sounds really good in a signature line, and AWS just sort of rolls off her beautiful tongue. She is a dedicated warrior, but she is not suicidal, so an island world has been randomly generated for her conquest. Theodora instructs her research team to pursue writing at the minimum because she must have the Great Library…and shoes. She craves shoes. And guns. Theodora really really likes guns. The bigger the gun, the better she likes it.

    In 3000BC – that’s right 3000BC the Greeks finish the Colossus. Theodora is not impressed and laughs at the idea of torching that baby. The Greeks should have built something useful like a shopping mall or a shoe factory.
    Theodora loves shoes.

    1950 BC dawns with the completion of the Pyramids by the woefully “in the box” Egyptians. Who builds the Pyramids on an island map? Cleopatra is a skank for sure, but Theodora will have the last laugh when she owns all of Cleo's shoes in a few thousand years. Cleo will one day become the royal shoe cleaner.

    During 1750BC a lone exploring dinky boat meets Mao and the Chinese. Mao is a pig, but Theodora bats her eyes at Mao and offers her best smile. She offers Mao a treat to butter him up. “My, what a nice rack you have Theodora” Mao says as she bends over to pick up a hanky she purposefully dropped. “Would you care to stay for dinner?”

    “I might if you trade me trade writing for masonry & 60 gold” Theodora replies. “But if you want to amuse me, you’ll have to buy me 1000 pairs of shoes, dress like a woman and oink like the little piggy you are.” Theodora replies with a sweet smile. Mao immediately agrees to Theodora’s demands. She takes the trade and the shoes, but leaves Mao as he runs after her oinking like a little piggy. Men are all pigs Theodora decides, unless they are not.

    The Aztecs greet Theodora in 1675, and she is under whelmed by their homelands and their sense of fashion. She has seen ugly leaders before, but this guy is one for the ages. She looks up ugly in the dictionary, and sure enough, there is a picture of leader of the Aztecs next to the word ugly.
    She conceals her disgust, trades CB for pottery then writing for WC.
    Theodora then inquires whether there is a connection between the size of the Aztec spears and the size of their…. Theodora is amused, but the Aztecs are not. Theodora knows funny, and that was funny! Soon after Theodora asks the Aztec warriors to “drop trou”, but this is not funny to them either, so she declares war on the humorless and ugly Aztecs.

    Around 1575BC Theodora meets :love:Caesar, and immediately finds him attractive. It’s almost as if the Romans and Byzantines are related somehow. Theodora is delighted to see that Caesar is wearing a dress, although he insists on calling it a toga. He is a man of fashion, and he dresses like a girl. Theodora likes that! Caesar is quite smitten with Theodora’s beauty, and he accepts CB plus 100 for the wheel. Theodora did not really need the wheel, but she kind of likes Caesar. Theodora makes Caesar a truly gracious offer. “Come to the isle of Byzantines and be my boy toy Caesar. I’ve got lots of special little outfits you can wear to amuse me during the long summer nights. Cheerleader outfits, nurse outfits, we will have such fun! Best of all, I’ll respect you in the morning! Well, maybe not respect, but you get the idea.” Caesar is not amused and war is declared. Caesar is so mad that in 1550 he sinks Theodora’s dinky yacht, forcing her to swim home. Theodora is distraught as she watches her best shoes go to the bottom of the sea, and she learns a bitter lesson. She knew she should have stacked her dinky boats for protection, but got careless. Still, Theodora has grown fond of Caesar and will kill him last as a sign of her true love for him. Well, it’s more like lust than love, but you get the idea.

    In 1475 the hated French build SoZ. Theodora hates Joan. “Joan is so beautiful, Joan is so smart, Joan has the best shoes in the world, Joan is a fashion queen”. Theodora is absolutely sick of hearing this kind of talk. Sick of it. Theodora is the one with the real fashion sense. I mean, who wears a helmet to dinner? Theodora is sick of hearing people talk about Joan. Theodora will take that helmet, turn it sideways, and stick it up Joan’s candy arse. She will destroy Joan’s cities, steal all her fashion designers, and make Joan scrub palace floors with a toothbrush. And she will take all Joan’s shoes.

    By 1400 Theodora is bored again. She is tired of killing barbs and building settlers and endless committee meeting about the progress of the Glib Pre-build. She wants to shop! Her new domestic advisor :mischief: – Mr. Big - tells her Literature is due a couple of turns before the palace and not to worry. He assures her this is a good thing. Still, she ends the meeting and decides to improve the pre-build city's tiles a bit and then join some workers to the city. She seeds Mr. Big to the mall to fetch some shoes and then
    She’s off to a cooking class to learn more of the spices & wines on her continent and how to best use them to keep the sheeple happy.

    When 1375 rolls around Theodora is forgetting to check her cities each turn because she does not like to MM. She knows she must because the governors are a bunch of lazy fat men. Men are pigs – except for Caesar. Any man that wears a dress is Theodora’s kind of man. Her advisors tell her she is #6 in land GNP and goods, but she could care less. The game tipped in 4000BC. She notes Rome & the Aztecs are sharing a skinny little piece of land. China’s power bar is huge to Theodora, but she is far more beautiful. China’s big power bar gets her to thinking. “Mr. Big, would you put on your special outfit and fetch some snack crackers for Theodora?”

    China begins the great lighthouse in 1275. Theodora thanks the lucky candle that it will be so near for her use later on and hits the malls to celebrate. It is always a good time to shop. After another boring round of MM, Theodora checks on her dinky boats which are methodically probing the seas for borders or possible suicide paths. During the 1200’s Theodora counts her money, and has a righteous pile of gold. She decides to build more workers & barracks. To this point she has built workers, spears, settlers, warriors for MP and a lone archer to kill some barbs.

    Aha – Theodora spots the pink borders of the hated Joan. Theodora hates Joan. Joan wishes she had Theodora’s brains and *its. C’mon people, that’s WITS, get your minds out of the gutter.

    During 1200BC a dinky boat makes a suicide run for Joan's borders and sees more borders but no units. Theodora hates Joan, but is thankful that Joan’s boats cannot reach the Byzantine shores because of the sea. Theodora lights a lucky candle to protect her little dinky sailboat on the IBT in the rough seas.

    As we enter the 1100’s BC Theodora’s tiny little excuse for a boat survives and Theodora meets Joan. “You look fat in that dress, your makeup is all wrong, you are a skank and all your waiters are rude! And you didn't invent french toast or french fries! You stole them!” Theodora yells at Joan. Theodora will not trade with Joan and just declares war. While Theodora could have done trades, she will never pay any of her money to Joan when she can steal Joan’s techs via the Glib.

    It’s only 1175 and already Theodora is forgetting again to check cities each turn. “Math is hard” she sighs. Do I want 6 shields per turn or 7. “Oh screw it” she says and heads off to her favorite little row of shops. “These shops are just soooooo cute she screams. Deep down the shopping does not satisfy Theodora, she wants some war action, or at least a decent cheeseburger. “A waist is a terrible thing to mind” she sighs as she orders a salad. During lunch she learns that the French build Great Wall. Theodora is totally unimpressed. “Joan is such a loser!” she laughs. “Doesn’t she realize her walls are useless when her cities grow over size 6?

    Theodora is pleased to learn that a second dinky boat waits in the sea for a run to France. If dinky 2 makes it across, it will hook up with dinky 1 to form an impenetrable exploration force of two Dinky’s. The Sid AI will quake in their harbors as they see 2 dinky's approach. Theodora must keep an eye on the Sumerians, they have built ToA. Their lands must be good.

    In 1075 Joan has sent two dinkys out to greet Theodora’s fleet. As the two French dinky’s approach, Theodora orders her captains to hit the gas and out run Joan’s boats. Theodora reminds the captain that their mission is to gather intelligence, not to fight.

    As a settler heads off to complete the Byzantine half ring core Theodora ponders a capital in the center of the island, and calls for Mr. Big. Meanshile, Sumeria is on a wonder roll as the century closes and builds the HG in 1000BC.

    Around 900BC the dinky fleet spots some yellow borders. The extremely ugly Aztecs beg for peace. Theodora tells them she will take peace if they “drop trou”. They accommodate her, she then tells them they need shorter spears, and that she lied about peace. The Aztecs are so hot they sacrifice a bunch of their own people. Their own people! Theodora does not understand this. Those people could have been put to work making shoes!

    During the 8th century BC Theodora’s admiral still cannot find a safe crossing to the yellow borders, and so keeps poking around in the safe coastal squares to look for safe sailing routes. Theodora attends another of the endless Great Library pre build meetings and learns that she will get Literature in 15 turns and the palace pre build is due in 21.

    During this century the dinky fleet sees green borders. Theodora meets Alex and sizes him up immediately as a nerdy looking little girlie man. He is the antithesis of her beloved Caesar. Although is a little girlie man, Alex refuses to dress in women’s clothing for Theodora’s amusement! The last straw is when Alex refuses to hand over his island and accept a role as the official royal shopping bag carrier. Theodora plans for the destruction of Athens and declares on the Greeks.

    In the 7th century BC Rome begs for mercy, but Theodora and Caesar cannot come to terms. It breaks Theodora’s heart to see Caesar like this. Why can’t he accept his destiny as her royal boy toy?

    later on in the 7th century BC Theodora meets the Sumerians, who are a bunch of rural scientific farmers – she thinks. She is too lazy to confirm this, and since these Sumerians think malls, shoes and purse collections are pointless, Theodora declares on them. What is about these men? Do they hate Theodora because she is so beautiful? In a moment of contemplation Theodora wonders why all the other monarchs are materialistic, arrogant, self absorbed jack butts. She is not like all the rest, she is fashionable, she has style and best of all, she has great wits. Theodora makes a mental note that Sumeria has horses, iron and a huge power graph. The graph is so large it makes her excited. She wonders if the size of the power graph is an indicator of the size of the Sumerians… oh never mind. She makes a note to pick up a hula girl outfit for Mr. Big to wear around the palace over the weekend.

    More boring meetings where the generals fret about Sumeria and Joan because they are the most powerful countries in the world. Theodora hates Joan. Theodora is informed that Joan does not have horses, but she does have the SoZ producing ancient cavalry. Greece appears to have a lot of land, but they lack food and their graph does not look quite as good as the powerful as Sumeria & France. The really boring architects arrive to speak about Glib Pre-build with Lit due in 8 and the palace in 10. Finally the worst of all, the economists, trudge in to brief Theodora on the state of the economy. Theodora wishes for a one armed economist so they can’t say “…on the other hand…”

    Theodora selected the map type, barb and weather settings. The AI enemy civs were random.
     
  3. handy900

    handy900 Deity

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  4. rbis4rbb

    rbis4rbb Sid

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    My only suggestion is post a fuller timeline, like whats going on in your lands
     
  5. handy900

    handy900 Deity

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    I'll see what I can do, but I am a pathetically slow and error prone typist. Mom was right, I should have taken typing in high school. :lol:

    Basically I'm trying to get settlers out quickly while I build roads and mines. Perhaps I began the Glib way too early, but Theodora cannot survive without it, so better safe than sorry. Theodora will maximize coastal cities for commerce and Dromon building. We need cash to pay the sailors. Interior cities will build defenders, artillery and arrow shooters.

    I decided to go with CxxCxxC city placement over CxxxCxxxC. In a "normal" AW game you go CxxC so you can shuffle units. In this game, if the AI reaches my shores, Theodora is toast for sure. Therefore I considered CxxxC placement. Ultimately I decided I wanted a larger city count to support a giant navy. Monarchs only get 2 free units per city size 6 and under, versus 4 for despots. So I decided to go for more cities on the home island.
     
  6. rbis4rbb

    rbis4rbb Sid

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    See thats the info that would make this story great! The city placement idea is good, I would agree with it.
     
  7. handy900

    handy900 Deity

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    Chapter two

    The 700’s & 600’s
    Boring decades :coffee: for Theodora building workers, settlers, temples, barracks & spears.
    Found another city named - you guessed it - named 9. Some local folk singer named Bob Seger wails that the sheeple feel like a number as China starts MOM.


    The 500’s
    Rome starts Great Lighthouse. Fat chance they will get it.
    Lit now due in 1 with the Palace due in 3. Theodora wonders how that happened since a few turns ago it was 6 and 6 for the palace and Lit. Oh well, Theodora must have slept through a Prebuild meeting.
    China has a opened a huge tech lead on the rest of the Civilizations and must be dealt with. Theodora certainly hopes that Mao lacks iron and/or horses. Alternatively if the Chinese resources are on the coast they can be pillaged by boats of fire unless they reside under a large stack of military units. China is too close for comfort in Theodora’s mind, especially if they complete the lighthouse. Theodora makes a note to keep a sharp eye on China. Then she has some wine, buys some more shoes, and dreams of a Great Library in 13 more turns full of books with a huge navy to protect it. It was a good decade.

    When she wakes, Theodora is pleased to see that Literature remains a monopoly tech for her and believes the Glib is a lock.

    Over the next decades the Glib countdown continues while the Byzantine dinky boats sail the seas in groups of two free of attack.
    The Byzantines have declared on all of the other civilizations except Egypt. Theodora can see Egypt’s border, but has not yet found a safe passage, and she does not wish to risk her beloved dinky fleet in the seas when they are so far from home.
    Theodora decided to prepare for her role as a monarch by building temples in the cities on the rivers so they can grow to size 7 in Monarchy. She notes that she is stuck with only 2 luxuries until Astronomy comes in, and she wants size 7 cities for the unit support. Theodora wishes her people were not scientific as this trait is not of much use given the cash will all be going to support the navy. Religious would have been a better trait than scientific for the cheaper temples and quick anarchy. Industrious or commercial would also be decent. Science is not a help in this game in Theodora's mind.
    After some thought, Theodora decides this Forbidden Palace thing is a good idea and starts it. It will be many hundreds of years before a leader is spawned. Probably not until guns are available and a defensive elite on a hill behind city walls favors us.
    China begs for peace, and Theodora still has a monopoly on Lit as the century closes.

    The 400’s
    Mao has asked for peace, and Theodora still has a monopoly on Lit.
    Theodora admires her 1180 in gold and notes the Great Library will be ready in 8 turns
    Agent F007 assures Theodora that Egypt has no current construction plans for the Glib.
    During this decade China wins the MoM race. Theodora is anxious for the Great library because she desperately wants map-making so she can immediately build harbors and dromons. Up to this point she has built warriors for MP, temples in river cities, workers, settlers and spears with one archer to handle barbs. Perhaps she has underbuilt workers.
    It appears Sumeria, Greece and France have large nice islands. China is stuck with no luxuries and no iron [EDIT Astute readers will note that the iron comment belongs in the 300's after the Glib, not the 400's before Theodora learned IW. Theodora edited and typed this after the 300's were played and placed this comment a century too soon. She will be more diligent in the future.That’s a lucky break for Theodora.
    China is now fully mapped by the dinky boat crew, and the opposition at at 410 BC is pictured at the end of the chapter.

    The 300’s
    Theodora cannot sleep until the Glib is done in 3 more turns, so the chapter contines. Temples are choped so they finish before the revolution to monarchy. China builds Lighthouse, and Theodora craves more shoes. She is pleased to learn Joan is uglier and fatter than ever, but she longs for Joan’s shoe collection, dyes and ivory. During this decade Theodora enters a great depression :cry: when she realizes that she left the research slider on 10% on research during the Library pre-build. She could have been saving all that money to upgrade her spears. Theodora is hopping mad :mad: and depressed, so she buys more shoes, and only then does she feels better. Mr. Big gets a little hot when he sees the tab for all those shoes. Theodora tells him not to fret, she has checks left in her checkbook, so she can’t be out of money. ;) Besides, the Glib will come in on the IBT, and she has a party to plan.



    In 310 the Great library is opened for business, and Theodora still has a monopoly on Lit. Theodora ponders :hmm: this, but not for long. She is truly amazed to see that Greece and France don’t even know writing yet. She realizes that long ago she would have been erased from the face of the earth if this was a continental map instead of islands. She is indeed lucky :mischief: to be playing an island map.

    The Library reveals MM, IW, Mysticism, Math, HBR, Poly, currency, monarchy and construction.
    Theodora instantly revolts so her Golden age will come as a monarch and pulls a rather unlucky 7 turns of anarchy. Theodora is only a little disappointed that she has no iron, but her battle plan did not rely on knights anyway. Knights cost too much for her taste, and she hopes the lack of iron enhances her chance at Saltpeter. It is saltpeter that Theodora craves, and shoes of course.

    410bc




     
  8. handy900

    handy900 Deity

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    Chapter three

    The BC 200’s
    Theodora spends the 200’s in anarchy but manages to find a safe passageway to the yellow borders of Egypt where she meets a flat chested hussy named Cleopatra and immediately declares war. Theodora has learned philosophy but cares little for knowledge except for the secret of smokepoles. Research stands at zero as all citizens are needed during anarchy to avoid starvation, and frankly the slow tech pace suits Theodora’s plans just fine. The longer the age of the dromon lasts, the better Theodora will like it.

    100 BC to 100 AD
    Theodora is crowned queen of the realm and immediately begins construction of harbors in her core. Well, it’s more of a half core since the capital has an ocean view. Theodora is not concerned by this as she is confident she can whip the Sid AI arse with half a core on this map, it’s that good. While anxious to get dromon fire on Mao’s homeland as soon as possible, she also hopes the additional movement of her dromons will reveal islands isolated from the AI by sea tiles for her to settle. These remote islands will be guarded from invading AI Stacks of Death by the sea and by dromons, not by spears. They can’t raze what they can’t reach.

    By 90 AD Theodora enters the middle ages. She has almost finished settling her home island and has located some iron on a deserted island. Since her plan is to lay down corrupt cities all game long for the unit support they provide, she will place a city on the iron island south of Egypt. Two cities will fit nicely on that island, and in a pinch the Byzantines can place more cities in an ICS fashion. We will try to avoid ICS because it feels a little too much like an exploit, and is not visually attractive to Theodora’s city planners.
    It is during the last century BC, right before we enter the first century AD that Greece attacks a paired stack of currahs and loses. Dromons are required asap to ensure control of the coasts which is key to our survival. The Byzantine navy cannot let any AI ships escape from the dromons. In 50 BC Theodora is delighted to see the first dromon rolls off the line. While she would like to delay the GA a little bit, she can’t afford to let the AI find her hidden island. She must sink all boats on sight.

    The 100’s and 200’s AD
    Not much to report about these centuries as they pass without incident. All coastal cities with a decent shield count now have harbors, and are building dromons. A settler will go claim the island with iron, and guard it with boats. There may be some land in the large dark area, and dromons will scout the darkness for island city locations in the future. The Byzantine priority at this point is to ferry settlers to islands, pillage and to keep the AI boatless.

    The 300’s
    In 310 the FP completes and in 330 Greece starts the Art of War. The FP city will build a quick temple and then military since it is not on the coast.

    Dromons begin their nightmarish fire attacks on the coast of France, but are unsuccessful in their first pillaging attempt. They will pillage without ceasing from this point on. No coastal square must be allowed to remain improved.
    Theodora is mildly pleased to see she has 4 cities pulling 10 or more shields. While any delay is well received, Theodora feels appropriately positioned for a GA as soon as we see any SID AI roaming the seas. Invention is learned during this time which is a nice development since Theodora can churn out LBs during the GA, and move that much closer to China’s invasion. China will be the first target since it has no iron. Theodora is confident that 40 muskets on a hill can repel an archer assault. She does not think that even 40 muskets on a hill can repel the huge MI and Acav stacks that Joan probably has by now. Although Theodora longs for Joan's luxuries, she is not suicidal. Joan’s time will come.

    All non-coastal cities are building build LBs, spears or artillery while cities with a harbor build dromons. The dinky fleet is slowly sailing home for an upgrade while exploring along the way. Theodora wonders if the AI will research education before guns since there has been no land based warfare. The tech pace is very slow since apparently few of the AI know each other. Theodora will try to keep it that way.

    Late in the century the first Dromons score hits against Egyptian and French improvements. The boats that are ferrying warriors and settlers to lock up the tiles at the iron island are moving onto pillage after they drop their loads.
    Theodora was hallucinating – she has learned engineering, not invention. :lol:
    At the close of the 300’s, a dromon is attacked and wins on defense and the GA begins in 390 AD. Theodora love the GA. Tons of cash for shoes, clothes, and magazines. She loves the new magazine Sheeple and reads it everyweek. Sometimes she is so excited, she buys a copy of Sheeple at the mall even though she has a subscription! This makes Mr. Big come unglued, but hey...she's the queen. Enough of that...Theodora will use the GA to build markets and aqueducts in productive cities. Coastal cities will get a harbor if they lack one and then she will pump out lots of spears, artillery, a few archers & dromons. France and Egypt have felt the fire of the dromons and, France will soon lose their dyes and ivory. Making Joan angry and buring her roads makes Theodora very happy.
    China owns the Great Lighthouse, but we have yet to see a Chinese galley. What is Mao thinking?!

    The Status




    Pillaging Dromons


    The Wonder Owners


     
  9. Vanadorn

    Vanadorn Motorcycling Paladin

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    Very nice. Amusing too, better than a dry read of boring stats and map moves. But a real question.
    Ahem....

    WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THAT EXCEL LOOKING THING THAT RUNS THE ENTIRE STATUS OF YOUR GAME PLAYING AT A GIVEN PERIOD OF TIME!!!!!!!?????????

    Pardon me and my excitement, but I was...'intrigued'...by the sight of it and just had to comment on how...nice...it is and how much I'd like to have a copy as well. If you let me know, I'll donate a $25 gift card to the GAP, a free lunch at TGIF's, and a free coupon for 'But One pair, Get One Pair Free' at Thom McAnn's Shoes to the great and well worth while cause Theodora is working on.

    Keep up the writing.

    V
     
  10. handy900

    handy900 Deity

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    Thanks! :)

    It's called CRpSuite : Playing aids and game analysis utils (aka Mapstat) and it is way too cool. The thread is here and it's free. :D

    Lots of neat stuff over in the creation & Customization forums.
     
  11. T-Money

    T-Money Conquestador

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    What can I say.....excellent! Very good story; it's a relief to see an actual story instead of just a turnlog.
     
  12. handy900

    handy900 Deity

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  13. Dachs

    Dachs Hero of the Soviet Union

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    Been lurking for two days, like the story, good to see a non-turn log! Pretty funny, keep it up!
     
  14. handy900

    handy900 Deity

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    Chapter 4

    The wonder hungry Sumerians complete the Knights Templar in 420AD and demand Theodora exchange engineering for peace. Theodora laughs at the notion, but indicates she will consider peace if the Sumerians will pay her tribute of 100 matching purse and shoe ensembles. They decline, so Theodora sinks a Sumerian galley as a response. She will sink several during the course of this chapter and suffer no lost dromons.

    Theodora notes the Sumerians have 3 luxuries with ample food and water - a truly great piece of land. The Byzantine generals plead with Theodora to build military while the education bureaucracy pleads for libraries. Theodora ponders this, and then asks them to sing show tunes while they dance. BYYYYYYYYZANTINE where the wind comes sweeping down the plain… Theodora loves show tunes almost as much as shoes. The police, admirals, priests and economists are pleased when Theodora tells them that she will build courthouses, temples, markets, harbors and dromons. The generals will have to make do with land units from the four cities not on the coast. One of the four will be a settler pump, so the generals must defeat the AI with land units basically from 3 cities. They are confused as to how they will do this, but Theodora is not.

    Later in the century Theodora enters her second great depression when she realizes that she erred by not starting a Prebuild for Leo’s immediately after the completion of the Great Library. :cry: Nothing can ease her pain. Well, maybe Caesar as a boy toy, or more shoe and purse sets, and show tunes, lots and lots of show tunes. Ultimately it is the thought of fat ugly Joan scrubbing the palace floor with a toothbrush that lifts Theodora’s spirits. The economists and CPAs inform Theodora she has major league bucks in the bank, and during the GA is cranking out 144gpt. Still, she needs more cities for the unit support. Her navy must get bigger to protect her shores.

    Sometime around 500 – Theodora can’t remember exactly when – the Greeks start Leos. She is happy to hear that dromons have sunk two French galleys and are destroying the roads to the French Dyes. Theodora revels :dance: in Joan’s pain. Theodora hates Joan. What makes Joan tick? France has ivory and is making ancient cavalry instead of jewelry. What a waste! Theodora laughs as she thinks of how fat and ugly Joan looks in that stupid armor, no fashion sense at all. Joan is so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please". :lol:

    In 540 the useless Monotheism technology comes in, and in 550 Theodora’s admirals report that the coastal tiles of Egypt and France have been heavily damaged. Egypt and France send out token workers, but cannot fix tiles as quickly as the dromons can break them. Cleopatra is a skank, but at least she has some sense of fashion. She is blond though, at least in this world. Cleo is so dumb she once spent all day tying to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.

    In the closing years of the century, the dyes of France are pillaged, but unfortunately Joan has one inland Dye the deadly dromons cannot reach. The Aztecs beg for peace, but Theodora notes that their spears are still too long, and they are ugly. The Aztecs are so ugly when they are born the Doctor slaps the mother.

    Theodora will hire a scientist to research gunpowder since she has finally learned invention. Theodora is pleased that the people wish to add two stories to the palace for shoe storage. :D

    In 560 Joan begs for peace. Theodora hates Joan. Theodora does get a chuckle when she sees that Joan is still wearing fashion from the ancient age! Joan refuses to “drop trou” and hand over her shoes, so the war continues.

    Next Alex begs for peace. "Hey alex, is that a banana in your pocket or are you happy to see me?" Alex is a girlie man. Caesar :love: is a real man because he is not afraid to wear a dress, and he is not afraid to cry. Theodora thinks it takes a big man to wear a dress and cry, it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

    A bacchanal is celebrated in 590 AD when the GA ends.

    The morning after the bacchanal the generals and researchers are in no mood to celebrate as they enter the grand hall. The researchers speak first. “Oh Worthy one, we are the scientific Byzantines, yet we have not built a single library. While the sheeple party on like Garth, and while you build boat after boat, we are failing to build infrastructure. We need to build libraries.” The generals speak next. “You Highness” they whine, “we have a pitiful military compared to the rest of the world. We are weak compared to the Aztecs who are a two-city empire, and we are only average versus the marshy Romans. Admittedly, Caesar looks good in a dress, and makes a good salad, but we will never land a credible invasion force, much less be able to take any cities from the huge SID AI Stacks of death!” Theodora’s generals and researchers are such “in the box” kind of guys. Theodora is not concerned about anything except saltpeter! The tech pace is crawling along with only Greece and Sumeria in the middle ages. Soon the boats of fire will reach the Sumerian and Greek continents to pillage their lands and crash their economy. Besides, Theodora has secretly been working on a secret invasion plan for China, and she has a special secret strategy using units in ways they were not designed for. It will be all the new rage! The generals know none of this. It is a plan for the ages and the AI will be powerless to resist Theodora’s liberal display of _ITS. That’s WITS people! WITS!









     
  15. T-Money

    T-Money Conquestador

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    Ass-kickage! Nice job...you've got me wanting to play as Theo now! Ah, I don't suppose you could supply me with the world seed?
     
  16. handy900

    handy900 Deity

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    I'll edit and place it in chapter 1 along with the 4000bc save. You can MM better and avoid my other mistakes! :D
     
  17. Own

    Own Grasshoppah

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    how did you get the demograpics before the game is over?
     
  18. Dachs

    Dachs Hero of the Soviet Union

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    Press the F11 key. The function keys do a lot of that stuff, like let you see your palace, wonders of the world, etc.
     
  19. T-Money

    T-Money Conquestador

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    I wish....I suck at MMing. But thanks for the seed.
     
  20. handy900

    handy900 Deity

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    Chapter Five

    600AD
    Theodora is in a rage. :mad: She has learned that some idiot named Pliny thinks more highly of Joan than of Theodora. Has this guy ever seen Joan? Look at what Joan is wearing for goodness sakes! She is probably bald under that thing! Joan is a fashion disaster. Joan is afraid to roam the seas, and she has no ivory. The tiles of France have been scorched by the fire breathing dromons. Theodora is certain Joan is fat, lazy, and stupid. That is no way to go through life. Why can’t Pliny see this? Joan refuses to disband military so she can build workers to repair her roads, and therefore her tiles remain unimproved. Therefore Joan can’t afford a decent outfit to wear because she is spending all her cash on unit support. What a lack of priorities. If Theodora ever gets her hands on this Pliny fellow she is going to make him dress like a little school girl, give him a Michael Jackson nose job, and make him wander the streets singing “Man in the Mirror” for the rest of his days.
    And then there is Cleo, what a stupid little skank. Cleo is so dumb she has TGIF written on her shoes to remember her toes go in first.

    Theodora’s mood improves as she counts the cities that have markets. Theodora loves Always War almost as much as going to the market for new shoes.

    Fast Forward to...850AD

    :sleep: Oh Caesar :love: seize me! Take me away to that special little place where we can…

    Serf: Your Highness! Your Highness! Wake up!

    Theodora: Ugh what time is it?

    Serf: You fell asleep in a meeting again, we were just about to go over the progress of the last 250 years.

    Theodora: Very well, carry on.

    Alan Greenspanora: (the new central market (no banks yet) leader and economist): We are delighted to report that as of 850AD our civilization had a righteous 7,000 in gold and is earning 60 gpt running 10% on the slider for happiness with a lone scientist for research. We have 186 units, and free unit support for 70 units. Your great wisdom in consistently building new cities from the settler pump to provide unit support, and create wealth has proved very shrewd.

    Theodora: I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought when you said pump, but please go on.

    Greenspanora: Theodora, the people love you! We have found that the sheeple in the small outlying cities are only happy if they are paying taxes. They would rather be taxed than grow their cities.

    Theodora: I’m not surprised, I am beautiful, fashionable, and I have great wits.

    Greenspanora: Your wits are indeed the stuff of legend. And your plans to build courts has helped us to gain two 15spt cities and three 10spt cities. We are working overtime to improve the numbers of the outlying cities.

    Theodora: I appreciate the way you suck up during these reports. My only comment is that next time you appear before me dress more appropriately.

    Greenspanora: What would please Theodora?

    Theodora: I’d like you to wear a little girl scout uniform for Theodora and bring me some cookies.

    Greenspanora: As you wish.

    Theodora: Where are my naval officers?

    Seaman Sample: At your service Theodora

    Theodora: Who are you, and where is the Admiral? By the way, I love a man in uniform, a nurse uniform that is. Be sure you wear one next time.

    Seaman Sample: Ugh, yes your highness. The Admiral was busy pillaging Sumeria, so he sent me instead.

    Theodora: Proceed.

    Seaman Sample: We are please to report that our Dromons are doing extensive damage, even to the far corners of the world. Seaman First Class Barry Cade was awarded the medal of distinction for quick thinking on the open seas. Tail Gunner Brighton Early received the sharpshooter medal for hitting 10 pillaging shots in a row, and Rear Admiral Duane Pipe was awarded the medal of the torch when his fleet pillaged every coastal tile of France except for two that were covered with military units.

    Theodora: Seaman First Class! Tail Gunner! Rear Admiral! What is it with you navy people? I send out a crew of 60 and you come back as 30 couples. Go on.

    Seaman Sample: We have developed plans to speed up settling the far out cities, it is called a ship chain and will move settlers quickly remote islands. The problem is that the plan has leaked to the press. The press has convinced the sheeple that a ship chain exploits the stupidity of Joan and the others. The sheeple are asking that you show mercy and not exploit Joan’s weakness.

    Theodora: Joan and mercy do not belong in the same sentence. We will chain her ugly butt as fast as we can.

    Seaman Sample: Our 46 dromons totally dominate the seas. I am pleased to report that Joan’s lands lack roads and Paris has been isolated. Removing all the coastal roads denies Joan dyes for clothes and ivory for ancient cavalry. As you like to say "If Theodora can’t have it, Joan can’t have it”. We can confirm that Joan is so afraid of the mighty Theodora’s fleet that she will not send even a single galley out to challenge the mighty dromons. Only the Sumerians and Greeks seem willing to put up a fight on the sea. So far we have not lost a single dromon. France is totally pillaged, Egypt is torched, China is being softened up for invasion and we are working on Greece and Sumeria. All of the major shipping lanes are blanketed. The Romans and Aztecs are not worth pillaging.

    Theodora: That is excellent. I have a small degree of respect for the Sumerians, and the thought of Gilgamesh’s huge power graph makes my mind race. Nevertheless, I will eventually erase the Sumerians and turn Gil into a dancer at the colosseum. Where is General Mayhem?

    General Mayhem: Reporting for Duty. We have 53 warriors and they are all working as MP. The Chinese assault team consists of two veteran longbows, 24 trebuchets and 37 spears we plan to upgrade to muskets. Some of the spears are regulars, so we may not upgrade those. We also have 21 workers doing odds and ends.

    Theodora: Not very exciting. Let’s see what the researchers have to say. Where is P. Brain?

    P. Brain: Exciting news Theodora! Greece researched gunpowder in 740AD, and we know that Sumeria began working on guns after they learned astronomy and began Copernicus in 760AD. The tech pace then slowed to a crawl and we got some useless tech called Theology, and we also learned Chivalry.

    General Mayhem: Can we please build some horses for a future knight upgrade, please, please, please.

    Theodora: Horses? We don’t need no stinkin’ horses. We have wits. Tell me something exciting P. Brain.

    P. Brain: We also learned something called gunpowder. We have located two sources of saltpeter – whatever that is - that were not there in 840, but are there now.

    Theodora: We learned Gunpowder! :dance: Finally someone with good news! I just love the feel of a long smoke pole in my hands. General Mayhem, upgrade all our veteran spears to muskets and recall some Dromons. It’s time to pay a visit to that little piggy Mao. Just wait until Mao's spears and archers get a load of my wits!

    And so, as 850AD comes to a close, Theodora gears up for battle by getting a facial, new shoes, a salad, and a special little outfit for Greenspanora to wear to the next meeting. She also upgrades spears to muskets and plans the assault of China. The time for war has finally arrived.





     
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