Theodora's Always War Sid Excellent Adventure
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handy900
Deity
Mail call
Dear Theodora,
Why are you attacking Mao first if you hate Joan so much? Besides Joan has luxuries and Mao does not.
General George S. Patton.
Dear Pat,
Joan is fat lazy and stupid. However, her Stacks of Death are comprised of MI and she has Pikes for Defense. The only way to win this game is to land safely on an island. To do this you go in under the cover of an army. Invading China will allow us to survive and pop multiple leaders against their inferior units. Joan could take out 40 muskets with her stacks of MI and ancient cavalry. China is the safest place to land and create the leaders we need.
Dear Theodora,
How do you plan to win this?
General Tso.
Dear General Tso, I love your chicken. Think about it, thirty muskets on a hill in a city with walls will be attacked by hundreds of Chinese archers and horsemen. I expect all of the muskets to promote to elite, and then we could easily get one leader per turn on defense. These leaders will make armies and rush the heroic epic. The armies will be loaded with 2 units each (2 muskets or 2 LB) and then dropped off via caravel (when we learn astronomy) onto each island beginning with Sumeria and Greece because they are the most advanced.
Dear Theodora,
Wont it take a long time to research caravels? What if Sumeria gets to ironclads and cavalry before you get to astronomy.
Jane Fonda
Dear Jane,
I suspected you were a fan of always war. Thats what the 7 grand in cash is for. Musket upgrade and a speed research of astronomy.
Dear Theodora,
Love the shoes.
What good is it to have an army on each island?
Imelda Marcos
Dear Imelda,
Thanks. The AI is afraid of armies. The army can pillage all the tiles the dromns cannot reach. When we are ready to invade, we land trebs and longbows under a protective musket army and move untouched throughout the island razing cities as we go. We pillage the food and then park dromons off shore and starve the cities down. Less food means less population which means the AI must disband units they cannot pay for.
Dear Theodora,
How will you raze a city that has 100+ defensive units in it?
General Mayhem
Dear General Mayhem, Dont you work for me? It is very simple, watch and learn.
Dear Theodora,
Why are you attacking Mao first if you hate Joan so much? Besides Joan has luxuries and Mao does not.
General George S. Patton.
Dear Pat,
Joan is fat lazy and stupid. However, her Stacks of Death are comprised of MI and she has Pikes for Defense. The only way to win this game is to land safely on an island. To do this you go in under the cover of an army. Invading China will allow us to survive and pop multiple leaders against their inferior units. Joan could take out 40 muskets with her stacks of MI and ancient cavalry. China is the safest place to land and create the leaders we need.
Dear Theodora,
How do you plan to win this?
General Tso.
Dear General Tso, I love your chicken. Think about it, thirty muskets on a hill in a city with walls will be attacked by hundreds of Chinese archers and horsemen. I expect all of the muskets to promote to elite, and then we could easily get one leader per turn on defense. These leaders will make armies and rush the heroic epic. The armies will be loaded with 2 units each (2 muskets or 2 LB) and then dropped off via caravel (when we learn astronomy) onto each island beginning with Sumeria and Greece because they are the most advanced.
Dear Theodora,
Wont it take a long time to research caravels? What if Sumeria gets to ironclads and cavalry before you get to astronomy.
Jane Fonda
Dear Jane,
I suspected you were a fan of always war. Thats what the 7 grand in cash is for. Musket upgrade and a speed research of astronomy.
Dear Theodora,
Love the shoes.
What good is it to have an army on each island?
Imelda Marcos
Dear Imelda,
Thanks. The AI is afraid of armies. The army can pillage all the tiles the dromns cannot reach. When we are ready to invade, we land trebs and longbows under a protective musket army and move untouched throughout the island razing cities as we go. We pillage the food and then park dromons off shore and starve the cities down. Less food means less population which means the AI must disband units they cannot pay for.
Dear Theodora,
How will you raze a city that has 100+ defensive units in it?
General Mayhem
Dear General Mayhem, Dont you work for me? It is very simple, watch and learn.
General Mayhem
Monarch
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- Aug 30, 2004
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- 329
Interesting read. Do I get to lead the troops on to victory over the Chinese? 
Hunter Noventa
Overlord
Oh this is a fun read. Can I be your General of Artillery once you have that type of thing?
T-Money
Conquestador
ROFL!! Excellent update. Very funny.
handy900
Deity
General Mayhem said:Interesting read. Do I get to lead the troops on to victory over the Chinese?
Theodora saw your name and could not resist stealing it for her own purposes. It is truly a great name. She is more of a taker than a giver in case you haven't noticed.
Still, she will find a suitable way to honor you for your cleverness during the game.Flattery will get you everywhere with Theodora.
She is shamelessly stealing jokes as fast as she can. She hopes you like the China invasion chapter which is up next.
T-Money
Conquestador
Invade not China. China is my civ. 
handy900
Deity
Chapter 6
930AD
Theodora: Where is General Mayhem?
Unknown Army Major: He is on the scene in China, and I am his assistant.
Theodora: Is that a rock in your pants or are you happy to see me?
Unknown military officer: Your wits are even greater than I imagined.
Theodora: Yes they are. Do you have a name Major?
Unknown military officer: Major Woody here to serve you Theodora.
Theodora:
Go ahead major.
Major Woody: Your plans for Mao are excellent. As you know the Chinese have a huge unit advantage, so well have to use our heads err your wits to beat them.
Theodora: I lost my train of thought when you said huge unit. Please start over.
Major Woody: Ugh, we are sure the Chinese have lots of archers, spears and horses, so well have to use our heads err your wits to beat them.
Theodora: Well, as you have already said, I certainly have a fully developed set of wits.
Major Woody: Yes. Ahem at your direction we softened up the little piggy Mao with artillery fire to make sure the roads leading to the landing site were pillaged as much as possible. This will slow Maos archers a bit, and allow us to settle a city, fortify and rush hills on the turn after we land. We hope to be ready before the large stacks of death arrive.
Theodora: Math is hard. What are our chances?
Major Woody: Ill let the private answer that. He is excellent at math.
Unknown Private: Math is indeed hard Theodora, but I have it on good authority that our veteran muskets on a hill are a 93% favorite versus a veteran archer on the turn they land. After we build a city with walls on a hill, the muskets are a 97% favorite. Placing a city on the hill with saltpeter also keeps it out of AI hands. After the troop drop off, Seaman Sample will lead 10 dromons to Sumeria to keep them pinned down while the rest ferry over LB and Trebs. Sumeria started Magellans Voyage, so we want to pillage them and use dromons to keep them bottled up.
Theodora: What is your name private?
Unknown Private: Private Parts, Your Majesty.
Theodora: It just never stops, does it? Do you have a battle map as I requested?
Major Woody: It is right here Theodora. As you can see the dromons pillaged all coastal roads. We have no idea how many Chinese will attack since Mao has kept a tight lid on the size of his forces.
Theodora: Please keep a running tally on the battles.
Major Woody: As you wish.
940AD
Theodora: What happened?
Private Parts: We killed 8 horses and 8 retreated, the little cowards. We lost a one musket that was a really lousy shot, and two muskets promoted to elite. We settled Hamburger Hill and rushed walls in 940 BC.
Theodora: Nice. Do you know how dumb Mao is Private?
Private Parts: No, how dumb?
Theodora: At the market once he stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".
Private Parts: What is frozen orange juice?
Theodora: Get out of here.
950AD
Private Parts, Major Woody, Theodora:
Serf: Wake Up People, its 950!
Theodora: Well, what happened?
Major Woody: We got our first leader from an elite musket on defense. Seventeen of the 23 Muskets that remain in the city are now elite.
Theodora: Great, what was the body count?
Private Parts: Ugh, it got tedious and I fell asleep.
Major Woody: My mind drifted after we had killed 20 archers 8 horses. Maybe my mind drifted before then. Finally I just went and got something to eat.
Theodora: You two will answer to General Mayhem for that! Anyway Maos big wave has probably passed. Hell throw what he has left against 23 muskets on a hill behind walls, but I like our chances. And reinforcements arrive this turn. Build an army with that leader and only place 2 muskets inside. We want the army transportable when caravels arrive.
Fast forward to 1060AD
Theodora: Where do we stand now?
General Mayhem: We got education from the Glib on the 960AD IBT, so as you directed, we built a few libraries and began burning gold @ 90% research to Astronomy so we can move armies loaded with 2 muskets into Sumer, France and Greece.
Theodora: Where is Major Woody?
General Mayhem: Standing down.
Theodora: Go on.
We also got more leaders and built armies and rushed the HE. The Chinese stacks dwindled to spears and warriors. Mao refused to build a worker to reconnect his horses. Mao is so dumb if he spoke his mind hed be speechless. In the late 900s we started shipping LB and trebs to China.
Finally, in 1060, we created a big pile of rocks by razing Beijing.
Theodora: Did you capture the little piggy?
General Mayhem: No, he got away, but we will hunt him down.
Theodora: I am so pleased. Its only 1060 and already we have three armies, the heroic Epic, and we are razing cities. Did you place an army on a boat headed toward our island harbor near Sumeria? I want to upgrade that dromon to caravel so we can drop off a 2-musket army on a mountain in Sumeria. It should be safe until cavalry, but maybe we will load a third musket just to be safe. The second musket army can pillage China a little bit before it heads to Greece. Greece does not have Chemistry, so we can leave that army with 2 muskets and perhaps send it to Egypt after it torches the interior of Greece. If you get another leader you can make a 2-longbow army. Only 2 LB so army can take a caravel to France after we finish China. Be sure you head south to raze Shanghai before you turn north for the rest of China. The last city you want to take is Chengdu since it holds the Great Lighthouse. We can really use that since it will take us a long time to get to Magnetism, if we ever get it. Once you get Astronomy, turn research back to a single scientist. Did you get all that?
General Mayhem: Ugh yeah sure no problem I got it I think.
Theodora: One more thing.
General Mayhem: Yes
Theodora: Have you ever heard of a book called Everything you wanted to know about armies for the mathematically challenged? Its an ancient scroll I found in the great Library by some overeducated layabout that goes by the name of T_McC.
General Mayhem: Sure, everyone has heard of T_McC, hes the grumpy old dude that was always getting stuck with anarchy turns way back when. Why?
Theodora: Math is hard. I want to know if a veteran cavalry will attack an unfortified musket army that has two elite muskets on flat land. See if P Brain can figure it out. I'm fairly certain the army is safe, but I'd like to be certain.
General Mayhem: P Brain? Hes hopeless. He is so dumb that when he heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, he moved.
Theodora: Well, work on it. And send Major Woody to see me when he gets up.
930AD
Theodora: Where is General Mayhem?
Unknown Army Major: He is on the scene in China, and I am his assistant.
Theodora: Is that a rock in your pants or are you happy to see me?
Unknown military officer: Your wits are even greater than I imagined.
Theodora: Yes they are. Do you have a name Major?
Unknown military officer: Major Woody here to serve you Theodora.
Theodora:
Go ahead major.Major Woody: Your plans for Mao are excellent. As you know the Chinese have a huge unit advantage, so well have to use our heads err your wits to beat them.
Theodora: I lost my train of thought when you said huge unit. Please start over.
Major Woody: Ugh, we are sure the Chinese have lots of archers, spears and horses, so well have to use our heads err your wits to beat them.
Theodora: Well, as you have already said, I certainly have a fully developed set of wits.
Major Woody: Yes. Ahem at your direction we softened up the little piggy Mao with artillery fire to make sure the roads leading to the landing site were pillaged as much as possible. This will slow Maos archers a bit, and allow us to settle a city, fortify and rush hills on the turn after we land. We hope to be ready before the large stacks of death arrive.
Theodora: Math is hard. What are our chances?
Major Woody: Ill let the private answer that. He is excellent at math.
Unknown Private: Math is indeed hard Theodora, but I have it on good authority that our veteran muskets on a hill are a 93% favorite versus a veteran archer on the turn they land. After we build a city with walls on a hill, the muskets are a 97% favorite. Placing a city on the hill with saltpeter also keeps it out of AI hands. After the troop drop off, Seaman Sample will lead 10 dromons to Sumeria to keep them pinned down while the rest ferry over LB and Trebs. Sumeria started Magellans Voyage, so we want to pillage them and use dromons to keep them bottled up.
Theodora: What is your name private?
Unknown Private: Private Parts, Your Majesty.
Theodora:
It just never stops, does it? Do you have a battle map as I requested?Major Woody: It is right here Theodora. As you can see the dromons pillaged all coastal roads. We have no idea how many Chinese will attack since Mao has kept a tight lid on the size of his forces.
Theodora: Please keep a running tally on the battles.
Major Woody: As you wish.
940AD
Theodora: What happened?
Private Parts: We killed 8 horses and 8 retreated, the little cowards. We lost a one musket that was a really lousy shot, and two muskets promoted to elite. We settled Hamburger Hill and rushed walls in 940 BC.
Theodora: Nice. Do you know how dumb Mao is Private?
Private Parts: No, how dumb?
Theodora: At the market once he stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".
Private Parts: What is frozen orange juice?
Theodora: Get out of here.
950AD
Private Parts, Major Woody, Theodora:
Serf: Wake Up People, its 950!
Theodora: Well, what happened?
Major Woody: We got our first leader from an elite musket on defense. Seventeen of the 23 Muskets that remain in the city are now elite.
Theodora: Great, what was the body count?
Private Parts: Ugh, it got tedious and I fell asleep.
Major Woody: My mind drifted after we had killed 20 archers 8 horses. Maybe my mind drifted before then. Finally I just went and got something to eat.
Theodora: You two will answer to General Mayhem for that! Anyway Maos big wave has probably passed. Hell throw what he has left against 23 muskets on a hill behind walls, but I like our chances. And reinforcements arrive this turn. Build an army with that leader and only place 2 muskets inside. We want the army transportable when caravels arrive.
Fast forward to 1060AD
Theodora: Where do we stand now?
General Mayhem: We got education from the Glib on the 960AD IBT, so as you directed, we built a few libraries and began burning gold @ 90% research to Astronomy so we can move armies loaded with 2 muskets into Sumer, France and Greece.
Theodora: Where is Major Woody?
General Mayhem: Standing down.
Theodora:
Go on. We also got more leaders and built armies and rushed the HE. The Chinese stacks dwindled to spears and warriors. Mao refused to build a worker to reconnect his horses. Mao is so dumb if he spoke his mind hed be speechless. In the late 900s we started shipping LB and trebs to China.
Finally, in 1060, we created a big pile of rocks by razing Beijing.
Theodora: Did you capture the little piggy?
General Mayhem: No, he got away, but we will hunt him down.
Theodora: I am so pleased. Its only 1060 and already we have three armies, the heroic Epic, and we are razing cities. Did you place an army on a boat headed toward our island harbor near Sumeria? I want to upgrade that dromon to caravel so we can drop off a 2-musket army on a mountain in Sumeria. It should be safe until cavalry, but maybe we will load a third musket just to be safe. The second musket army can pillage China a little bit before it heads to Greece. Greece does not have Chemistry, so we can leave that army with 2 muskets and perhaps send it to Egypt after it torches the interior of Greece. If you get another leader you can make a 2-longbow army. Only 2 LB so army can take a caravel to France after we finish China. Be sure you head south to raze Shanghai before you turn north for the rest of China. The last city you want to take is Chengdu since it holds the Great Lighthouse. We can really use that since it will take us a long time to get to Magnetism, if we ever get it. Once you get Astronomy, turn research back to a single scientist. Did you get all that?
General Mayhem: Ugh yeah sure no problem I got it I think.
Theodora: One more thing.
General Mayhem: Yes
Theodora: Have you ever heard of a book called Everything you wanted to know about armies for the mathematically challenged? Its an ancient scroll I found in the great Library by some overeducated layabout that goes by the name of T_McC.
General Mayhem: Sure, everyone has heard of T_McC, hes the grumpy old dude that was always getting stuck with anarchy turns way back when. Why?
Theodora: Math is hard. I want to know if a veteran cavalry will attack an unfortified musket army that has two elite muskets on flat land. See if P Brain can figure it out. I'm fairly certain the army is safe, but I'd like to be certain.
General Mayhem: P Brain? Hes hopeless. He is so dumb that when he heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, he moved.
Theodora: Well, work on it. And send Major Woody to see me when he gets up.
handy900
Deity
1060 AD
Nine Longbows and 35 Trebs Raze Beijing while huge stacks of spears watch from the grasslands.
The warriors below are all MP. Too bad there is no way besides a manual count to keep track of how many archers & horses the muskets killed. The stacks were big and there were a lot of units in Beijing plus those from the northern cities that came south to attack.
Nine Longbows and 35 Trebs Raze Beijing while huge stacks of spears watch from the grasslands.
The warriors below are all MP. Too bad there is no way besides a manual count to keep track of how many archers & horses the muskets killed. The stacks were big and there were a lot of units in Beijing plus those from the northern cities that came south to attack.
handy900
Deity
Chapter 7
It is 1130AD and Theodora is losing patience. She has 4 armies in the field and the little piggy Mao no longer has a capital. Attack force Alpha is camped next to Shanghai throwing rocks at the city every turn but there is a huge stack of spears garrisoned in the city. Theodora calls a meeting of her military advisors.
Theodora: Its been decades since we razed Beijing. The large stack of units in Shanghai is a problem. I want Joans dyes and furs and I want them yesterday. Show me the map.
Major Woody: As you can see from the map, we have positioned artillery as well as LBs under army cover NW of Shanghai. We are killing a few spears per turn, but this siege will take some time. You must have patience.
Theodora: Patience is not a luxury I have. Neither are dye or furs for that matter. Ill take the dyes and furs, you can have the patience. Send for my Royal barge and grab my
royal battle gear.
Major Woody: Theodora, what are your plans?
Theodora: Watch & learn.
A short time later at battle headquarters in Shanghai:
Mao: What is for dinner?
General Tso: General Tsos chicken.
Mao: What a surprise. What's all that noise.
General Tso: Apparently Theodora has made an announcement.
Mao: She has surrendered?
General Tso: Here it is, let me read it. Ugh, she has not exactly surrendered. Apparently her royal barge dropped her off to the east in the forest. The note says any man that can beat her can have her, and the announcement says her wits are on full display for all to see.
Mao: Ridiculous, an obvious bait and switch ploy. Who would be dumb enough to all for that?
General Tso: Beats the heck out of me. Oh, would you mind pulling the chicken off the wok when its done? Ive got to go.
Mao: Where do you have to go? We are under siege!
General Tso: Err, ugh to inspect the eastern wall.
Mao: Now that you mention it, I've got a little errand to run also.
Meanwhile on the eastern shore in the forest:
Theodora: I knew they would fall for it. Look at those little Chinese spears haul butt over the ice toward the forest. Men are pigs, except when theyre not.
And so Theodoras bold move draws the garrison from Shanghai and this happens in 1140AD:
Theodora: See ya boys, Ive got a ship to catch.
Chinese spear #1: But what about the battle where the winner can have you?
Theodora: Called off looks like rain.
Ill meet you in the grasslands up north, okay? Luv Ya.
Chinese Spear #2: Great! Well just go back to Shanghai and pick up our hey wheres Shanghai?
Uh oh, Mao is going to be hopping mad about this one.
Chinese Spear #1: I doubt it, thats him over there oinking at Theodoras barge. Man! Does she have a great set of wits or what?
Mao: Oink Oink! Come back Theodora.
Theodora: Hey Mao, dont bring a spear to a gunfight.
It is 1130AD and Theodora is losing patience. She has 4 armies in the field and the little piggy Mao no longer has a capital. Attack force Alpha is camped next to Shanghai throwing rocks at the city every turn but there is a huge stack of spears garrisoned in the city. Theodora calls a meeting of her military advisors.
Theodora: Its been decades since we razed Beijing. The large stack of units in Shanghai is a problem. I want Joans dyes and furs and I want them yesterday. Show me the map.
Major Woody: As you can see from the map, we have positioned artillery as well as LBs under army cover NW of Shanghai. We are killing a few spears per turn, but this siege will take some time. You must have patience.
Theodora: Patience is not a luxury I have. Neither are dye or furs for that matter. Ill take the dyes and furs, you can have the patience. Send for my Royal barge and grab my
royal battle gear. Major Woody: Theodora, what are your plans?
Theodora: Watch & learn.
A short time later at battle headquarters in Shanghai:
Mao: What is for dinner?
General Tso: General Tsos chicken.
Mao: What a surprise. What's all that noise.
General Tso: Apparently Theodora has made an announcement.
Mao: She has surrendered?
General Tso: Here it is, let me read it. Ugh, she has not exactly surrendered. Apparently her royal barge dropped her off to the east in the forest. The note says any man that can beat her can have her, and the announcement says her wits are on full display for all to see.
Mao: Ridiculous, an obvious bait and switch ploy. Who would be dumb enough to all for that?
General Tso: Beats the heck out of me. Oh, would you mind pulling the chicken off the wok when its done? Ive got to go.
Mao: Where do you have to go? We are under siege!
General Tso: Err, ugh to inspect the eastern wall.
Mao: Now that you mention it, I've got a little errand to run also.
Meanwhile on the eastern shore in the forest:
Theodora: I knew they would fall for it. Look at those little Chinese spears haul butt over the ice toward the forest.
Men are pigs, except when theyre not.
And so Theodoras bold move draws the garrison from Shanghai and this happens in 1140AD:
Theodora: See ya boys, Ive got a ship to catch.
Chinese spear #1: But what about the battle where the winner can have you?
Theodora: Called off looks like rain.
Ill meet you in the grasslands up north, okay? Luv Ya. Chinese Spear #2: Great! Well just go back to Shanghai and pick up our hey wheres Shanghai?
Uh oh, Mao is going to be hopping mad about this one. Chinese Spear #1: I doubt it, thats him over there oinking at Theodoras barge. Man! Does she have a great set of wits or what?
Mao: Oink Oink! Come back Theodora.
Theodora: Hey Mao, dont bring a spear to a gunfight.
handy900
Deity
Chapter 8
1240AD
Theodora might have been happier than this before, but she doubts it. While she has not yet captured the little piggy Mao, she did manage to catch General Tso who is now running the royal kitchen. General Tso realized he was a lot better at cooking than fighting, and he is certain his chicken recipe will be as good in 1000 years as it is today. The little piggy is down to 4 cities and his stacks are only a nuisance now that strike force alpha is in full steamroller mode.
Theodora has begun work on plans to transport the troops and trebuchets over to France. New builds will go there immediately once a musket army is generated for France. Theodora hates Joan. Joan is poor. Joan is so poor she cant afford to pay attention. And dumb. Joan is so dumb when her brain cells die they die alone. And Ugly. Joan is so ugly she uses a line of makeup called "Why Bother. Theodora is none of these things. Theodora is rich, beautiful and smart. Theodora can hardly contain her delight at the thought of Frenchfurs ivory and dyes to go with her shoes. And Theodora was delighted to hear that she had become the number one pinup girl for the Chinese spears. Cleo used to be the favorite pinup, but she was so easy she was like a doorknob, everyone got a turn. Now the Chinese worship Theodora even as she razes all their cities, except the Great Lighthouse city of course.
Theodora has put a fork Sumeria and Greece and they are basically done. Alex cried like a little girlie man when the musket army landed on his shores. Now that an explorer has joined the army, the pillaging fun will be doubled. Then there are the Sumerians. Such great lands and a super power graph, but no brains. The Sumerians could have run the table in this game their lands are so good. Even now they could take out the musket army destroying their shores with ease given the huge stacks of knights and MI they possess. Theodora has decided to place a third and fourth musket in the Sumerian army just in case they manage to research Military Tradition. But the Sumerians seem happy just watching the army stroll by and chew up tiles. With every pillaged tile their economy shrinks a bit and the stacks grow a little smaller. It will be easy to pull the Sumerian stacks to and fro so the army can pillage all the tiles. Theodora finds it amazing that she never saw a galley from the Chinese who own the Great Lighthouse. Neither have the Sumerians who own Magellans Voyage sent out even a single ship in hundreds of years.
Theodora thought about taking out Sumeria after China. She probably should, but she hates Joan too much. Will her overconfidence or her hatred for Joan or herlove lust for Caesar be her undoing?
China The Chinese Spears fear and worship Theodora. They refuse to enter the Chinese capital to protect Mao.
Sumeria Think we should kill that Byzantine army over there? Nope. Our orders are to protect this grassland. We don't get paid to win games.
Greece
Look what you did to my tiles.
1240AD
Theodora might have been happier than this before, but she doubts it. While she has not yet captured the little piggy Mao, she did manage to catch General Tso who is now running the royal kitchen. General Tso realized he was a lot better at cooking than fighting, and he is certain his chicken recipe will be as good in 1000 years as it is today. The little piggy is down to 4 cities and his stacks are only a nuisance now that strike force alpha is in full steamroller mode.
Theodora has begun work on plans to transport the troops and trebuchets over to France. New builds will go there immediately once a musket army is generated for France. Theodora hates Joan. Joan is poor. Joan is so poor she cant afford to pay attention. And dumb. Joan is so dumb when her brain cells die they die alone. And Ugly. Joan is so ugly she uses a line of makeup called "Why Bother. Theodora is none of these things. Theodora is rich, beautiful and smart. Theodora can hardly contain her delight at the thought of French
Theodora has put a fork Sumeria and Greece and they are basically done. Alex cried like a little girlie man when the musket army landed on his shores. Now that an explorer has joined the army, the pillaging fun will be doubled. Then there are the Sumerians. Such great lands and a super power graph, but no brains. The Sumerians could have run the table in this game their lands are so good. Even now they could take out the musket army destroying their shores with ease given the huge stacks of knights and MI they possess. Theodora has decided to place a third and fourth musket in the Sumerian army just in case they manage to research Military Tradition. But the Sumerians seem happy just watching the army stroll by and chew up tiles. With every pillaged tile their economy shrinks a bit and the stacks grow a little smaller. It will be easy to pull the Sumerian stacks to and fro so the army can pillage all the tiles. Theodora finds it amazing that she never saw a galley from the Chinese who own the Great Lighthouse. Neither have the Sumerians who own Magellans Voyage sent out even a single ship in hundreds of years.
Theodora thought about taking out Sumeria after China. She probably should, but she hates Joan too much. Will her overconfidence or her hatred for Joan or her
China The Chinese Spears fear and worship Theodora. They refuse to enter the Chinese capital to protect Mao.
Sumeria Think we should kill that Byzantine army over there? Nope. Our orders are to protect this grassland. We don't get paid to win games.
Greece
Look what you did to my tiles.
grahamiam
In debt to Mr. Geisel
the hand is getting a good workout i see
handy900
Deity
grahamiam said:the hand is getting a good workout i see
Hi grams!
More than you know. Theodora is going to catch a bad case of carpel tunnel syndrome from firing all those dromons and trebs by the end of this.
Handy, have fun and good luck with this one. Have you seen Mark's OCC AWS game as Theo?
http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=112402
Islands and AWS isn't quite so cool. I'd like to think my game had a bit to do with teaching that little lesson, though.
Have fun with it!
Arathorn
http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=112402
Islands and AWS isn't quite so cool. I'd like to think my game had a bit to do with teaching that little lesson, though.
Have fun with it!
Arathorn
handy900
Deity
I'm having lots of fun.Arathorn said:Handy, have fun and good luck with this one. Have you seen Mark's OCC AWS game as Theo?
http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=112402
Islands and AWS isn't quite so cool. I'd like to think my game had a bit to do with teaching that little lesson, though.
Have fun with it!
Arathorn
Yes - Your game and Mark's game prompted this. I wanted to win via conquest as opposed to 20K and didn't think OCC would work so well for that. For me anyway.
But the dromons looked like a game breaker and they definitly are on an island map.
handy900
Deity
Chapter Nine
Theodora is not surprised.
First this happened:
And then this:
The little piggy was captured and assigned to a chain gang to build roads for the rest of his life. But before Mao set off Theodora requested that he stop by for a little exit interview, which went something like this.
Theodora: Mao, you may oink once for yes and two for no.
Mao: Oink
Theodora: Are all men pigs?
Mao:
Oink.
Theodora: Wrong. Caesar is not a pig, not always anyway. Caesar has style and grace where you have none. Hes not afraid to wear a dress and sandals decorated with gold. I like that. I like it a lot. Are you holding out on me Mao? There was no gold anywhere in your palace.
Mao: Oink Oink
Theodora: Im not surprised. You wasted your gold on all those spears to guard your unimproved grassland while I steamrolled your cities with 40 trebs and 20 longbows. Mao, Oink once for each 100 military units you had.
Mao: Oink, oink, oink, oink, oink
Theodora: Five hundred units and you got beat by a girl. Pathetic. I bet 5 is also the size of your never mind. And Im not sure you actually had that many units, but whatever. Do you still want to have dinner with Theodora?
Mao: excitedly OINK
Theodora: Well, rebuild the road network my dromons pillaged and well see about it. And no snacks for you either Mao. You are a fat little piggy and need to lose some waist.
Now, where is Major Woody?
Major Woody: At your service.
Theodora: Do you have the time?
Major Woody: I always have time for you Theodora.
Theodora: I mean what year is it you knucklehead.
Major Woody:
Oh, it is 1300AD.
Theodora: Great, tell me what you are doing?
Major Woody: As you commanded, pillaging armies were placed in Sumeria and Greece. The army in Greece was then transferred to Egypt to pillage Cleo once Alexs tiles were wiped clean.
Theodora: Cleo is a skank. Do you know why she wears hoop earrings?
Major Woody: No.
Theodora: So she has a place to hook her high heels.
Anyway, what were you saying?
Major Woody: About the armies. Sumeria is still being pillaged, and another army is alternately pillaging Alex and Cleo. During the campaign for China we were able to generate 3 LB armies that each have 2 LB in them. That makes them transportable by caravel.
Theodora: Get all of the military units that are currently in China over to France ASAP. The dromons can easily protect out cities in China. I want Joans furs and ivory, and I want them yesterday! Make it happen!
Major Woody: Consider it done.
Theodora: Now, where is General Mayhem?
General Mayhem: Here I am.
Theodora: Have you been studying the writings of the famous war strategists and philosophers that I gave to you?
General Mayhem: Do you mean Salt N Pepa?
Theodora: Yes. Have you mastered their lessons?
General Mayhem: Yes when I get to France I am going to Push it, Push it real good.
Theodora: Excellent! Dont slow down. Raze everything!
General Mayhem: The Oracle.
Theodora: Burn it.
General Mayhem: Statue of Zeus?
Theodora: Definitely. I want ivory jewelry and knick-knacks for my palace more than ancient cavalry.
General Mayhem: The Great Wall?
Theodora: Knock it down. We can use the bricks to expand my shoe closets.
General mayhem: I am a bit concerned about reports I hear from our French spies.
Theodora: Go on.
General Mayhem: Apparently Joan has been studying the writings of great war philosophers and strategists also.
Theodora: Sun Tzu?
General Mayhem: No. Im not exactly sure WHO she is studying, but the dromons report hearing Wont Get Fooled Again blaring from the coastal cities.
Theodora: Whatever. Joan will fall for the ol bait & switch. Its like they are programmed or something. Besides, Joan is so dumb she got fired from an M&M factory as a kid for throwing out the Ws. Shes a goner.
Im not worried, go forth and conquer.
Theodora is not surprised.
First this happened:
And then this:
The little piggy was captured and assigned to a chain gang to build roads for the rest of his life. But before Mao set off Theodora requested that he stop by for a little exit interview, which went something like this.
Theodora: Mao, you may oink once for yes and two for no.
Mao: Oink
Theodora: Are all men pigs?
Mao:
Oink.Theodora: Wrong. Caesar
is not a pig, not always anyway. Caesar has style and grace where you have none. Hes not afraid to wear a dress and sandals decorated with gold. I like that. I like it a lot. Are you holding out on me Mao? There was no gold anywhere in your palace.Mao: Oink Oink
Theodora: Im not surprised. You wasted your gold on all those spears to guard your unimproved grassland while I steamrolled your cities with 40 trebs and 20 longbows. Mao, Oink once for each 100 military units you had.
Mao: Oink, oink, oink, oink, oink
Theodora: Five hundred units and you got beat by a girl. Pathetic. I bet 5 is also the size of your never mind. And Im not sure you actually had that many units, but whatever. Do you still want to have dinner with Theodora?
Mao:
excitedly OINKTheodora: Well, rebuild the road network my dromons pillaged and well see about it. And no snacks for you either Mao. You are a fat little piggy and need to lose some waist.
Now, where is Major Woody?
Major Woody: At your service.
Theodora: Do you have the time?
Major Woody:
I always have time for you Theodora.Theodora:
I mean what year is it you knucklehead.Major Woody:
Oh, it is 1300AD.Theodora: Great, tell me what you are doing?
Major Woody: As you commanded, pillaging armies were placed in Sumeria and Greece. The army in Greece was then transferred to Egypt to pillage Cleo once Alexs tiles were wiped clean.
Theodora: Cleo is a skank. Do you know why she wears hoop earrings?
Major Woody: No.
Theodora: So she has a place to hook her high heels.
Anyway, what were you saying?
Major Woody: About the armies. Sumeria is still being pillaged, and another army is alternately pillaging Alex and Cleo. During the campaign for China we were able to generate 3 LB armies that each have 2 LB in them. That makes them transportable by caravel.
Theodora: Get all of the military units that are currently in China over to France ASAP. The dromons can easily protect out cities in China. I want Joans furs and ivory, and I want them yesterday! Make it happen!
Major Woody: Consider it done.
Theodora: Now, where is General Mayhem?
General Mayhem: Here I am.
Theodora: Have you been studying the writings of the famous war strategists and philosophers that I gave to you?
General Mayhem: Do you mean Salt N Pepa?
Theodora: Yes. Have you mastered their lessons?
General Mayhem: Yes when I get to France I am going to Push it, Push it real good.
Theodora: Excellent! Dont slow down. Raze everything!
General Mayhem: The Oracle.
Theodora: Burn it.
General Mayhem: Statue of Zeus?
Theodora: Definitely. I want ivory jewelry and knick-knacks for my palace more than ancient cavalry.
General Mayhem: The Great Wall?
Theodora: Knock it down. We can use the bricks to expand my shoe closets.
General mayhem: I am a bit concerned about reports I hear from our French spies.
Theodora: Go on.
General Mayhem: Apparently Joan has been studying the writings of great war philosophers and strategists also.
Theodora: Sun Tzu?
General Mayhem: No. Im not exactly sure WHO she is studying, but the dromons report hearing Wont Get Fooled Again blaring from the coastal cities.
Theodora: Whatever. Joan will fall for the ol bait & switch. Its like they are programmed or something. Besides, Joan is so dumb she got fired from an M&M factory as a kid for throwing out the Ws. Shes a goner.
Im not worried, go forth and conquer.
Nate128
Bow to your king.
I've never heard so many yo mama/blonde jokes in a slingle story. For this, you get my congratulations.
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