Theodora's Always War Sid Excellent Adventure

[Chunky Kong]

Somewhere deep in the Greek mountains a secret meeting has been called. In attendance are Gilgamesh, Cleo, Alex, Caesar and The Aztec dude who name loosely translates as “Hard to Type”.

It's not hard to type. It's Montezuma.

 

[T-Money]

Cleo: Penetrate, I love that word! Say it again and I'll give you a backrub General.

ROFL!!

I seriously laughed so hard at this update my mom thought I was choking to death. Great story...I dare even say it's excellent.

 

[rbis4rbb]

great update

 

[handy900]

Chapter Fourteen

As 1756 dawns Alex has called for a second Summit meeting of the civilizations allied against Theodora. Gil cannot attend because he is busy trying to survive the massive amount of Byzantines wandering his lands. Gil has a lone island capital, but has hidden many settlers under stacks and they insist on plopping down new towns, which Theodora must raze. Very soon Gil will become just another miner in the Sumerian gem mines. Alex has moved to panic mode because Theodora has moved one of her stacks to Greece and has already razed three Greek cities in a drive to open a sea-lane to Sumeria in order to transport gems, silks and furs to her shores. Alex had resettled two of the three cities, but he remains on edge and in a panic.

Alex: Thanks you all for coming. Last time we met I tried to warn you of the gathering strength of the Byzantine forces. If we act now we can still turn the tide of war. I am totally freaking out because the Byzantines are swarming all over my lands. Theodora is a maniac! She has actually publicly declared her intentions to raze Athens even though it has Leonardo’s Workshop. She is a mad woman. What’s worse, my beloved and disciplined hops are chasing those stupid Byzantine Babes all over the countryside. After centuries of loyalty and hard training they desert their stations in hopes of catching a glimpse of that stupid Byzantine tanning team.

Caesar: Hey Alex, those tanning babes are pretty hot! Furthermore, Theodora is no mad woman. She has made me a quite reasonable peace offer.

Alex: Are you kidding Caesar?!?! It’s more like an offer to be on the wrong end of The relationship from Hades than a peace offer. She wants you to go to the mall, shop for shoes with her, and watch her try on clothes. That my friend, is Hades on earth.

Caesar: It’s better than pulling 18-hour shifts at the gem mines like Gil will soon be doing.

Alex: I’m not too sure about that. 18 minutes at a mall looking at shoes can seem like 18 hours. Face it Caesar, you’ll just be another one of her possessions and your clan will be wiped from the face of the earth. You will leave no legacy behind if you do not continue to fight with us.

Caesar: I don’t know Alex, Theodora has made a pretty good offer. She says even though the language of my people will surely die out, she will guarantee that thousands of years in the future students in far away lands will study far into the night to learn Latin.

Alex: Caesar, you’re not going to fall for the dead language lie are you? I mean, why would anyone – much less a student – stay up all night to learn a language no one even speaks anymore. Not. Gonna. Happen.

Spear Boy: Can I say something?

Alex, Cleo, Caesar: NO!

Caesar: Theodora is even offering to name a salad after me. What courageous leader of men does not dream of a legacy like that? Caesar Salad. I like the sound of that. Just think, my name on the lips of diners everywhere. It brings a tear to my eye.

Cleo: Brings a tear to my eye too Caesar. Here, give me your hand and come cry on my shoulder.

Caesar: Err…that’s not my hand and that’s not your shoulder.

Cleo: Oops! ...Hey, want try out my new hot tub?

Spear Boy: I like hot tubs, I’ll try it.

Alex, Cleo, Caesar: SHUT UP!

Cleo: Please Caesar, I’ll get your name tattooed on my bottom if you will run away with me.

Alex: Cleo, I’m surprised you have room on your bottom for any more tattoos. Forget about Caesar, go find a carpenter somewhere. After all, you’re a carpenter’s dream, flat as a board and easy to nail. As for you Caesar, I think you’ve been out in the sun a little too long. Let us hear what our guest General has to say.

General Insight: As I said last time, you are strong to Theodora and even now could wipe her out with the huge discount you receive on the build rate. You fear her armies too much. You can easily defeat them and steal all her artillery. Theodora can be wiped from the face of the earth in 20 turns if you follow my lead.

Cleo: I’ll follow your lead General.

Alex: Have you gotten into my personal stash of incense General? Those armies are scary. They have flags and stuff. No way I’m going to battle them.

General Insight: If you do not do something soon, it will be too late. I understand you have researched Military Tradition Alex, start building cavalry immediately.

Alex: Ugh, I need Saltpeter.

General Insight: How many useless techs are you guys going to research anyway? Gil revolted to Fascism for crying out loud. Act like an alliance for a change. Cleo has saltpeter, trade for Saltpeter with her. Heck, trade techs all around and gang up on Theodora.

Cleo: I’m not trading with Alex, he insulted me… I think. Hey General, are you busy later? Wanna play twister with me?

General Insight: Like I said earlier, you people are doomed. :shakehead

Meanwhile, over in Byzantium…

Theodora: Nice to see you up and around Major Woody, and I hear you are also feeling better. Have you opened the sea-lanes to Sumeria?

Major Woody: Yes! As you can see from the map below Greece has settled on the ruins of two of their cities, but the new cities lack border expansion. We plan to raze the cities along the coast, then swing back around as more troops rise and grab both Leo and Smith for you. These Sid AI insist on settling cities as fast as we raze them. We almost wind up wiping an island clean twice. Of course the second time goes a little faster. We plan to capture Leo’s and Smiths last on the same turn so we can keep them.

Theodora: You must raze Athens and Leo with it.

General Mayhem: But Theodora, Leo’s is a great wonder. It will save us tons of cash and all the generals agree that we should keep it.

Theodora: No way. I have heard that Alex is turning Caesar against me. I want Alex to watch his palace and Athens burn to the ground. It will please me greatly to make Alex cry.

General Mayhem: But burning Leo’s is going to raise a lot of eyebrows over at headquarters. Not to mention the civfanatics forums.

Theodora: Get over it, I’m Queen and I hate Alex for trying to turn Caesar against me.

General Mayhem: Err, Caesar is already against you, we are at war, remember?

Theodora: Yes, Caesar is at war with me, but that just proves to me how much he cares.

General Mayhem: …I’ll never understand women…

Theodora: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

General Mayhem: Err, ugh, I said razing Leo’s is a stroke of genius! And of course Caesar is showing his love by making war on you. So, what do you want to do about the Smith wonder?

Theodora: Keep Smith, it’s not in Athens. I’m a spiteful, but not that spiteful.

General Mayhem: Err…got it, torch Leo, keep Smith. Makes perfect sense.
Major Woody has news for you.

Major Woody: The cannon are really putting the hurt on Alex, and you will be glad to know we now have Calfalry. But the men prefer to call it cavalry. Sounds more masculine to them.

General Mayhem: Are you sure we cannot keep Leo’s to upgrade all our knights? Please, please, please?

Theodora: NO! I want to see a pile of rocks where Athens used to be. Make it happen.

General Mayhem: As you wish. By the way, Major Woody is right, the cannon are working great.

Theodora: Ahhh, cannon. I love the big guns almost as much as shopping! Keep kicking Alex’s butt up and down his island, then go over and eliminate Cleo. I want Cleo all by herself on an island ASAP, a fate worse than death for a bimbo like her. I hear Cleo continues to put the moves on Caesar and is trying to get him in the hot tub. I want her gone! Do you hear me? Gone!

And remember Major, hands off Rome. We must spare Caesar to the last possible moment in the hopes that he will see the light of reason. Still, I need something to close the deal with Caesar. What is it that a man like Caesar can’t say no to? I’ve got it! I’ll promise to fully discuss the minute details of all my daily experiences with him! That’s it! What man can refuse the chance to hear a woman like me drone on for hours on end about a manicure, which could have been fully vetted in 2 minutes? Why didn’t I think of this before? I’m convinced Caesar is my soul mate... or at the least my soul acquaintance.

And with that Theodora strode from the throne room, confident she had just the sweetener for the pot that Caesar needed.

 

[handy900]

1756. As the game progressed, Alex was careful to allocate a large stack of hops to guard the polluted mountain you see below.
Pollution Mountain remained in Greek hands to the bitter end.

 

[Yom]

Great story!

The mention didn't hurt, either.
I'm not still swamped in AP work (usually), I've just been hanging out in OT more often. The next two weeks are exams, though; it's gonna be hell (e.g. I have 4 exams in a row)!

 

[Northern Pike]

Handy, a brilliant game and a terrific writeup. I think the only elementary-school classic you left out was the one concerning the fruit grower with imaginative ideas about how to punish poachers. I particularly like the way you've varied the format so that the humour doesn't become repetitive. Finding my handle on the Wall of the Greats was just a bonus.

 

[zerksees]

This is a great story! zerksees is in awe of Theodora's wits

However zerksees is concerned that Theodora's informants are not telling the entire truth!

As 1756 dawns Alex has called for a second Summit meeting of the civilizations allied against Theodora.

If indeed the dromons and other boats had succeeded in keeping the other countries separated, then how can they have such a conference?

Could it be that someone spent too much time sniffing glue used to make the latest styles of shoes? Could it be that Theodoras own people are equally distracted by the bikini bait and run? Perhaps this can be explained some other way...

 

[Whomp]

Aw c'mon zerksees can't they sneak out on a fishing boat and meet on some remote island? Do you think Theo's generals are so ruthless they wouldn't let a fisherman fish?

 

[handy900]

Could it be that someone spent too much time sniffing glue used to make the latest styles of shoes? Could it be that Theodoras own people are equally distracted by the bikini bait and run? Perhaps this can be explained some other way...

Ohhhh, that is indeed a good catch. How can this be? Theodora must investigate.

ESP? Carrier Pigeon? Diplomatic Immunity for passage of the boats? An extensive tunnel system? Bribed Dromon captains?

Who will be the first to solve this mystery? Theodora has reserved a place on the Wall of the Greats for the detective who can reveal this secret to her.

 

[zerksees]

It cannot be a leader of an enemy civ. Indeed only Caesar and the Aztec dude even know of any other civ besides their own and Theodora. If they did they would certainly be trading techs like no tomorrow. Perhaps the military advisor has been overstating the powers of the enemy in hopes of gaining Theodora's affections away from Caesar! zerksees recommends a hearing to question the military advisor General Mayhem. My future place on the Wall of Greats awaits...

 

[handy900]

It cannot be a leader of an enemy civ. Indeed only Caesar and the Aztec dude even know of any other civ besides their own and Theodora. If they did they would certainly be trading techs like no tomorrow. Perhaps the military advisor has been overstating the powers of the enemy in hopes of gaining Theodora's affections away from Caesar! zerksees recommends a hearing to question the military advisor General Mayhem. My future place on the Wall of Greats awaits...

Theodora believes you have earned a spot on the wall for brining this to her attention.

Now, will you deny another their place on the wall by also solving the mystery?

There may be an additional spot available for the citizen that suggests to Theodora a suitable form of punishment if it turns out she has a traitor amongst her midst.

 

[Vanadorn]

Montezuma was pulling the wings off of flies, trying to decide if he was going to order his men to get more marshmellows to roast over the burned fields the Dromons were making of his country when he was struck alongside the head with a hunk of flattened bread filled with strips of meat and vegetables. At first thinking it was a taco, he was surprised to find the bread was soft to the touch. His friend, Aztecezuma, told him it was a 'gyro' and that was why he had thrown it. Some guy selling flowers near the docks had given it to him to eat. Montezuma then went to the flowerman and after having his boys beat the heck out of the strangely dressed fairy and stealing the hubcaps off his cart, told him to take his odd food and perfumed smelling clothes out of his country and back to where he came from. The flower seller limped home where he recounted his tale at the greasy hands of his oppressors to everyone who's shoulder he could clutch manly to and cry upon. This type of abuse wouldn't do, but the Greeks were unused to physical combat being lovers and not fighters and knew they needed a tough as nails broad to help them out (mainly because other men intimidated them). While Alex, their Queen, er King, was getting his hair frosted and permed, he had used Quincey, his hairdresser, as a go betwen and mediator with Cleopatra. Quincey, who was able to avoid the Dromons by flying under their gaydar, made his way to Egypt and Cleopatra. Cleo, who was known to be fond of biker bars and guys with tatoos, promptly had the hairdresser beat up, but not before learning about Alex and his limp wristed ways. Anxious and excited to see if there were other easily cowed men running other empires, commissioned soft core pornogrpahic statuary of herself in a variety of exotic poses, each one with her phone number stenciled under the battleship tatooed across her chest. These naked statues of herself were peddled (cheaply) all over the known world until the repressed collecting community managed to bid cheaply on the lot of them on Ebay, giving them to their head nerd king Gilgamesh for his birthday. Upon seeing the naked carved flesh laid out for his eyes to feast upon, Gil then disappeared behind the zigguraut for a half an hour with a handful of tissues and a Pall Mall menthol. He tried getting in touch with the object of his erotic fantasies, but accidentally dialed a different number getting some squealing character on the line instead. Disgusted and feeling like a rube, he hung up, but not before, Mao, who had been painting ritualistic tea cups with his toes, angered at being disturbed and forced to answer the phone, decreed that all phones shall be ever banned in his kingdom again. Thousands of heartbroken teens lay listless and in terror, fleeing the country as fast as they could; precious cell phones gripped firmly in their grasp as they tried to find somewhere to live in peace and without long distance charges. After much roaming, they settled in with a bunch of men who walked around in dresses and wore leaves in their hair, but liked to work out and trade manly stories in the communal baths. They told the king of this land, Caesar, their long drawn out tale who was impressed that others had anything to say that didn't involve a rolled up wet towel snapped out at his arse. Hoping to meet up with other people, he had sent one of his best runners with a baton in his hand out the gates and commanded the youth to find these other people that the cell phone using teens had spoken about. The runner had gotten his directions confused and after a period of discontinuity, wound up in France. He was delirious, sick to his stomach, and on his death bed, before he was taken to Joan who had just come back from spray painting anarchistic symbols and ghetto tags along some Wall of Greats her people had been known to deface once in a while. She listened to his ramblings, flicking the piercing in her left nipple and aternatingly opening and closing her switchblade knife with an idle thumb. Disgusted at last, she figured the best thing to do was to get all these other weirdo's together in one place and have a breakdancing competiton with them. She commissioned a flat bottomed barge to take her to all the islands to speak with the other leaders but they were hemmed in by the fierce Dromon fleet. With cunning ingenuity, she had the country's best mimes perform their best 'walking against the wind' motion; the force of it pushed the byzantine fleet aside briefly enough for her to make it to the first summit.

It has taken some serious hard work and lots of struggle to decipher EXACTLY how this amazing thing could have happened but to the best of my abilities, this is how the other civs were able to meet at the food court and have a summit meeting outside of Bob's Big Boy's.

 

[Stuck_as_a_Mac]

Great one;
There are far too many Dromons patroling the seas to keep tabs on each and every one. It would be all too easy for a wayward captain to sneak out in the dark of night and shuttle enemy leaders to where they need to be. Who knows if captains born of now dead civs are loyal to you, oh Empress with the greatest of Wits?
Perhaps a test of loyalty is in order... and ah, what a test it could be!
For those who pass it, time spent working with the Wits.
For those who fail, though. They shall be forced to spend the rest of their days gadding with Joan and Mao. Or worse... They could mastheads for the great ships that they have defiled with their foreign cargo.

I await your command to serve, oh great empress.

OOC: Great story. Gotta try the distraction technique on my own some time.

SaaM

 

[Whomp]

It has taken some serious hard work and lots of struggle to decipher EXACTLY how this amazing thing could have happened but to the best of my abilities, this is how the other civs were able to meet at the food court and have a summit meeting outside of Bob's Big Boy's.

I'm sticking to Captain Real Salty the fisherman.

Salty took care of the dromon captains by bringing in a haul for their ships on a regular basis. The crew was always happy. It was always good to have a meal that Salty could put together because to be honest...Byz babes were so hot at cooking. Not that they weren't big fans of the Byz babes it's just they couldn't cook.

With his status as "the fish guy", everyone had to have a "fish guy" in those days you know. Being "the fish guy" Salty was allowed a lot of free reign. He became very wealthy and was able to create a fleet of fishing boats, sightseeing tours and fish taco restaurants. Dromon captains love fish tacos. Personally I liked the sightseeing tours because it gave a close up shot of the byz babes running away from the silly knight guys drooling on themselves trying to meet the byz babes. If only those silly knights knew how the byz babes cooked.

I digress...thing is Salty was a b'nessman first and foremost. When the time came and the leaders of the rest of the known world needed a place to meet. Where was it? On Salty's boat of course. They paid him some tall cabbage for this rendevous. Salty personally picked up Cleo for the meeting so he could show her his new lure and pole. She really like his pole. This is how the whole thing shook out. Salty is still revered by dromon captain's worldwide.

Salty Fish Tacos (tm) from "The Fish Guy"(tm) Come and get it!!!

Its not as exciting as the Bob's Big Boy story but it's the way things REALLY went down.

 

[Point13]

I love this line

Gil: Easy for you so say, Theodora loves you. Well not exactly love, more like an obsessive controlling dysfunctional lust, but we should all be so lucky. What a set of wits she has. By the way, what’s with the dress Caesar? You can get your butt kicked by a redneck in Sumeria for wearing a matching dress and sandals like that.

Caesar: Alex also has a dress on.

Gil: Yeah, but we expect that kind of thing from him.

LOL that is just too funny!

 

[zerksees]

zerksees is going to take this opportunity to assist the great Theodora in her search for the perpetrator of these falsehoods. There is a long trail of evidence that all points toward General Mayhem. I have a lawyer to spell it out for you. I felt a formal presentation might improve the credibility of the case. His name is General Counsel.

General Counsel: Dearest Theodora, it is now my sworn duty to help you uncover the worm that has misinformed you. To find ther perpetrator, you need look no further than the text from these meetings, and the words of General Mayhem himself.

Alex: Thank you all for coming. I believe you all know why we are here, and you have read the briefing books. Caesar that does not look like a briefing book in your hands, what is it?

Caesar: Ugh… nothing. Never mind.

Alex: No, tell us.

Caesar: Well… it’s the latest copy of Byzantine Illustrated.

General Counsel: This portion of dialogue was concoted by General Mayhem to undermine Theodora's belief that Caeser has a thing for her. There is more...

General Insight: Gil, you must build Frigates and Galleons and push your way through to Theodora’s homelands. Only warriors guard the homelands and your knights and rifles can easily destroy her once you reach her shores.

Alex: What about the dromons? They are everywhere.

General Insight: Fear not. Your Caravels can easily clear a path to Theodora’s shores. And your build rate is so advantageous, you can afford to lose many boats to the dromons and still penetrate the defenses. You have all the advantage you need.

General Counsel: This fabricated dialogue is a feeble attempt to raise the value of defensive forces, thereby increasing the position and power of General Mayhem in the Byzantine empire. Who else would know the weaknesses of the Byzantine empire? Surely not any of the other leaders, they cannot even find the Byzantine empire let alone analyze its weaknesses.

General Mayhem: Err, Caesar is already against you, we are at war, remember?

General Counsel: If Theodora uses her mighty wits she too will see that General Mayhem is openly trying to turn her against Caesar. The above was yet another try to manipulate Theodora's wits. Ask him directly and you will expose him for what he is.

Certainly if any of the other stories were true, technologies would have changed hands and clearly they did not. Can there be another suspect?

zerksees: Thank you General Counsel.

I rest my case, and sincere apologies if anyone else has been denied their place on the Wall of Greats.

 

[handy900]

Theodora has issued subpoenas to Whomp, Zerksees, Stuck as a Mac and Vanadorn to appear in her throne room. She must investigate this matter thoroughly and determine the proper course of action. It is obviously a vast conspiracy, but she is uncertain if it is a vast right wing, left wing or buffalo wing conspiracy. It will necessitate the finest conspiratorial advisors Theodora can buy as well all her mighty wits to get to the bottom of this unsolved mystery. She will release a transcript of the proceedings as soon as one is available.

 

[Chunky Kong]

Mmmm...buffalo wing.

 

[Vanadorn]

After performing some of the most exhausting investigative reporting on the planet, I now have to endure sitting here in Theodora's throne room for an interminable amount of time with these other glory hunting hacks? I mean the black light posters of pumas and half naked barbarian babes by Frank Frazetta are interesting as well as the zebra striped cushions on this love seat, but there's only so much Britney Spears Muzak I can listen to piped over the intercom and the smell of the Vanilla/Jasmine scented candles from Wicks & Sticks is getting me nauseous.

Thank goodness for the free buffalo wings and curly fries or I'd just go nuts waiting for this to continue.

Wish I had something to drink other than Bartle & James Wild Berry Wine Coolers or Zima.