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Thoughts

Discussion in 'Humor & Jokes' started by Dboating, Jul 2, 2003.

  1. Dboating

    Dboating Chieftain

    Joined:
    May 12, 2003
    Messages:
    49
    Location:
    Appleton, WI
    1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

    2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor . . .

    3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
    apes?

    5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
    girls live.

    6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the self-help
    section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

    7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

    8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

    9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
    considered a hostage situation?

    10. Is there another word for synonym?

    11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

    12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
    plant?

    13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

    14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

    15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
    clean them?

    16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

    17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

    18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
    remain silent?

    19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

    20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

    21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

    22. One nice thing about egotists is they don't talk about other people.

    23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

    24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

    25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

    26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

    27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

    28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

    29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

    30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

    31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

    32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

    33. If you spin an Asian man in a circle three times does he become
    disoriented?

    34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God
     
  2. CJ_Backfire

    CJ_Backfire Chieftain

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2002
    Messages:
    28
    Location:
    Sweden
    35. Why do Kamikaze pilots have helmets.

    36. If it illegal to drink and drive why do you need to show your driving licence when you buy wine and why do pubs have parkings spaces.
     
  3. Japanrocks12

    Japanrocks12 tired of being a man

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2003
    Messages:
    5,323
    Location:
    earth
    37. Why do boy bands sound like girls?
    38. Why do companies offer free gifts? Since when hasn't a gift been free?
     
  4. WillJ

    WillJ Coolness Connoisseur

    Joined:
    Aug 9, 2002
    Messages:
    9,471
    Location:
    USA
    39. Since Pringles's slogan is, "Once you pop, you just can't stop," why do they make re-sealable containers?

    40. Why is the medical term for "fear of long words" Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?

    41. Do Internet search-engines search the pages that display results for searches?

    42. What's the point in one-way streets?

    43. Were there any words before the word "word"?

    44. If Einstein was smart enough to devise the theory of relativity and basically found modern physics, why couldn't he figure out that he probably should have done something different with his hair?

    45. How hard is it to scare a mime so much that he accidentally screams?

    46. Who was the genius who decided to make scores in tennis go by fifteen? Did he do it just to confuse little kids in physical education class?

    47. Why are the words for languages different in different languages?

    48. Could the meaning of life be to find the meaning of life?

    49. If Train A is leaving Philladelphia at 87 mph at 3:00 PM, and Train B is leaving Los Angeles at 125 mph at 4:00 PM, at what time will anyone care?

    50. Why do the doors of 24-hour stores have locks?

    51. If you were a hotdog, would you eat yourself?

    52. Are atheists not allowed to say the word "science" in vain?

    53. If there are pills that help treat Alzheimer's, how do the patients remember to take them?

    54. If we're all God's children, why was Jesus so special?

    55. Why isn't Latin called Roman?

    56. If anything is possible, wouldn't that mean that it's possible that nothing is possible?

    57. If everyone is special, then aren't none of us really special?

    58. Do ants think humans are gods?

    59. Could I have been born as a sheep instead of a human? Thank you, karma!
     
  5. cgannon64

    cgannon64 BOB DYLAN'S ROCKIN OUT!

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2002
    Messages:
    19,213
    Location:
    Hipster-Authorland, Brooklyn (Hell)
    Ever seen the SNL skit with Harry Carey (don't know how to spell his last name)?

    :lol:
     
  6. china444

    china444 Ain't no thang

    Joined:
    May 10, 2002
    Messages:
    3,991
    Location:
    Battle Creek, Michigan
    60How do you know which armrest is yours in the movie theaters?
    61If you say something is indescribable, isn't that describing it?
    62Do Dutch people always split the bill?
    63Can you sleep forever without being in coma?
    64Why is it called butterfingers when there is no butter or fingers in it?
    65If you shine a light into a mirror, do you get twice as much light?
    66How come it was called the Cosby Show when Billy Cosby's character was named Heathcliff Huxtible?
    67If a Truck is loaded with Helium, would it weigh less than when it was empty? Wouldn't it get better fuel mileage?
    68Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
    69How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?
    70Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice?
    71Why is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread?
    72Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot?
    73If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself?
    74Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?
    75Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time?
    76If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember
    that they forgot?
    77If you died with braces on would they take them off?
    78Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're always covered with sheets?
    79If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke?
    80If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players?
    81Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not?
    82Do cows have calf muscles?
    83How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?
    84Do babies produce more spit than adults?
    85Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on?
    86Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
    87Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
    88Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
    89Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
    90If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
    91Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something?
    92Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been
    free?
    93If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
    94You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to
    people that work nights?
    95Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
    96Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?
    97Why is a square meal served on round plates?
    98Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?
    99Which way does a compass point in space?
    100If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
     
  7. puglover

    puglover Disturber of Worldviews

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2002
    Messages:
    9,643
    Location:
    Kansas
    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  8. WillJ

    WillJ Coolness Connoisseur

    Joined:
    Aug 9, 2002
    Messages:
    9,471
    Location:
    USA
    The easy solution: Use both of them. :D
    Yep, that's where I got it from.

    101. Why do people say, "Heads up!" when you're actually supposed to put your head down?

    102. Do Chinese people ever get tired of eating Chinese food every day?

    103. Why are the miniature candy sizes called "Fun size"? What kind of kid thinks a smaller candy than normal is fun?

    104. What if we had accidentally bombed Iran instead of Iraq? I mean, the names are so similar!

    105. Why do places often sell things for so-and-so-dollars and 99 cents? Is anyone actually tricked into thinking everything is a dollar less?

    106. What would you call it if you watched an old clip of the news? The olds?

    107. When talking about sharks, why does the news always say "unprovoked" shark attacks? What kind of idiot would provoke a shark attack?

    108. If you ram your car into someone else's on purpose, is it still called an accident?
     
  9. Penguin Glory

    Penguin Glory Aquatic Pigeon

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2003
    Messages:
    126
    Location:
    Miami Beach
  10. Japanrocks12

    Japanrocks12 tired of being a man

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2003
    Messages:
    5,323
    Location:
    earth
    109. why is abbrieviation such a long word?
     
  11. Eastern Knight

    Eastern Knight Dragons!

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2003
    Messages:
    1,043
    Location:
    Earth
    is the word "electricity" coined after the founding of electricity?

    p.s. a lot of these questions are very easily answered
     

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