What is the unhealthy option for me ?

[SonicX]

Hi, I'm about to ask a rather personal question and I know it's not the best place to do it, but none of you guys know me in person and sometimes it seems like it's the least risky path to clarify some things.
There will be stupid comments, but hey, that's to be expected.

Anyway, as I told previously I have got a light form of autism called Asperger Syndrome which causes a high IQ, but low EQ. Since I knew that, I've always thought that I could overcome the social handicaps I had with rational thought, but lately I'm beginning to realise that hasn't been true at all.
The problems that arise with this, is that my social life is never going the way I want it to be and I do mean never. No one notices anything about this "condition", for lack of a better word, but subconciously they're keeping their distance. They all think of me as a nice, honest, sociable person and don't see anything wrong with me and don't know why nothing is working out for me.
Despite me being quite a likable person according to many, I just can't seem to make friends. They're all friendly to me, and when I call them to arrange something for going out in the evening, none of them are saying or even just thinking "no, you're weird", so far so good. But I'm always a friend nice to have around, but not one they contact on their own... I can't even remember the last time someone came to my dorm or my house without me asking them to come over and I can't recall any calls either and as you might imagine, that's not a very happy thing to deal with, especially because no one dislikes or can point out things about me that might cause this to happen, no matter what I do or how I act.
Somehow it always will go wrong, it was like that in elementary school, it still is like that at university...
Despite looking not bad at all, I'm not even gonna mention girls (and again, I do act and I am behaving socially and I do have the courage when needed)

Ofcourse, not knowing what to do about all this and why everything, absolutely everything goes is very depressing. Over the years, I have learned to control emotions and even disable them at times as I'm doing right now (I don't feel anything right now, just want advice)
I did this as a measure of self-protection, because my emotions always stabbed me in the back, never really turned out ok. But a side effect of disabling emotions is not feeling happyness, joy, having a crush on someone (being in love even) ... all of that is gone as well.
But once I turn that barrier of rational control off, I instantaneously break down. I tried to do it earlier today, thought about everything and stuff, but pure mental agony and despair took control... it kinda looks like there's no way out and I need to accept this "condition" and it's effects, but I cried for hours until I blocked them again and could continue doing what I had to do for school without disturbance.

So I'm having doubts ... I really doubt that I'll ever be happy because there is not really a way to fix this problem, no matter how aimable I might be. I don't wanna fall into a deep, deep depression on the verge of suicide again like I did during my whole puberty when I couldn't block emotions yet, but I don't really feel like living like a robot and not experiencing anything outside of the rational world anymore. Damn, I'd give up my dorm at college and all my posession except clothing just to have a "normal" life if that was possible.

Please, I do expect some to make fun of me or whatever, I'll overlook that But those of you who might know something or know someone with the same condition, any advice would be very welcome.
It's not the best place to ask, but I'm kinda out of options ...

*MOD* Can't seem to change thread titles on this board. Title must've been "least unhealthy" instead of "unhealthy" ofcourse.

 

[Fifty]

A few miscellaneous comments on friends:

-One thing to keep in mind is to not be TOO nice. Guys have this really stupid conception of friendship where just being nice doesn't score too many points.

-The major thing IMO to getting friends is to make things more fun for them, and to make sure to be real interested in them and make them feel cool. Guys are a lot like chicks in that they like being flattered. With guys though, you could never say like "those are really nice pants" or "you're really muscular" What you would want to do is just act like all their little stories are the coolest things on earth, and contribute to the "fun factor" of the group. Everyone chooses friends in their own self-interest based on two main criteria: Making them have more fun and making them feel cool. It is in those two areas that the "dynamic" people with tons of friends tend to excel.

-Keeping that in mind, be yourself. Guys, unlike girls, can sniff out fakeness. So become friends with people who are similar to you.

-Get active in something. Most friends come through some sort of association in this manner.

 

[Urederra]

Well, you can always enjoy CFC. forums You have friend here.

Sorry, I cannot tell you what to do. I found Mental illnesses difficult to manage, even the mild ones. I suppose that is like saying a depressed person to cheer up, it seems easy for the non-depressed people, but it is because they didn't have that problem and they don't understand what being depressed means.

Do you know anybody else with the same problem? You could hang around with them.

 

[SonicX]

@ Fifty : Well, I'm social moron, that's not the problem. I know what is appropriate to who in which situation, really. It's just that somehow, in the way I act or something, I will always be "that nice guy" for girls, or "that good 'n' funny guy" for men.
There's not really anyone who dislikes me, or conciously thinks I'm weird ... well, there are some, but the quantity of people who do ain't out of the ordinary. There's just a subconcious "declique" that happens with people, but no one, not even the many psychologists I went to can put their finger on it.
The advice I was asking was "should I continue to block emotions, or try to survive with them"
Btw, I play tennis and soccer in competition and I'm in the faculty board (to organize parties and sport events and such for people in the faculty, not the geeky stuff)

To the both of you, no, I don't know anyone the same position who has an equally mind form of AS or autism. The people I do know that have it have a more advanced form that makes them weird on eye-sight ... and they don't really seem to need social contact.
I have such a light form of it, nearly undetectable, and that's where the real problem kicks in ofcourse.

 

[Sophie 378]

My sympathy. I've vaguely wondered if I have the same thing; I've never been really able to connect with people my own age. I expect this is an upbringing thing, though - I was home educated until I was 10, so I never really learned all the socialising stuff. I get severely depressed sometimes - clinically severely depressed - when getting out of bed in the afternoon is an achievement and making a cup of tea is just too exhausting to be worth it. I seem to have grown out of wanting to connect with people, though, which is pretty weird. Now I get depressed from workloads and expectations rather than social stuff! I can't really think of any good advice, but maybe sympathy is better than nothing. You're not alone - hang in there, mate.

 

[Kozmos]

Try to be yourself.....relax man,ease of the pressure.

 

[SonicX]

Typical answer
I am myself, it's not about changin me, it's about how to deal with this thing.
You can't imagine living like this, with a constant need for a social life, actually being sociable, but always something inexplicably going wrong.
I know where I am today and I know where I don't wanna be again ... the hospital.

 

[Kozmos]

Its a typical answer because it usually works...most of the time.
I know how its like to be in need for some social life related fun(i was a social ******,some time ago).
But listen if you call people to go out and they say yes...IMO you have nothing to worry about.Becuase when someone calls me to go out,if I find them to be annoying/boring/nerdish I will make up an excuse or simply not answer the phone.

Also being to able to disable emotions is kewl.I can only shutdown my emotions a little for short amount of time.And I've been depressed too(suicidal at times even),with planing different way of killing myself.Do some deep thinking,try to ride out the mental agony/despair storm no matter how long it lasts,if you manage to ride it out,things will seem a helluva lot better

 

[SonicX]

Well, the fact that they never try to contact me first is just making me feel like I'm on the of the last persons important to them. And every person needs some people (s)he's important to outside of your family, I think it's a normal reaction.

But what I was saying is that I'm doing everything I can, within acceptable margins ofcourse, to improve the situation and I'm even pretty outgoing (quite an achievement for an Asperger)
I know it's nice to be able to shut down the emotions, I can return peace and quiet to your life, but you can't live like this forever because you're also missing out on the good sides of emotions like happyness and love. But when I disable that protection, I'm so vulnerable. Two years ago I even drank myself into a 24h coma and woke up with like 100 cuts on both of my arms and I really, really don't wanna get into that situation again
It's not always depressing to be in the "emotional world" and I haven't felt bad for quite some time before that, but the situation still hasn't improved anything and I didn't feel good either ... it's not just about not being able to get a girl despite the good qualities, it's everything

 

[Turner]

Try to be yourself.....relax man,ease of the pressure.

Unfortunately, being Asperger's and being yourself generally means that you don't have friends. At least, with my son it does. YMMV

It's not an easy path you're walking down, SonicX. Do you have any kind of help with it? Professional help? You should look into it. I don't know where you live, but surely there's some kind of community developmental disabilities organization (CDDO) there that will help you. Get in touch with them, tell them you've been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, and see what kind of services they have. They should be able to tailor a program for you that will fit your needs. You should be able to also get some kind of State aid as having a developmental disabliity. At the very least, help in paying for part, if not all, of your treatment. When you go, make sure that you have whatever they gave you when they diagnosed you with AS. If not, you may have to go through the testing again.

Asperger's pops up on the forums occasionally. There was a thread about the relationship of the Civ games and Aspergers, and there are a few users here with it. Hopefully one of them can help you from your side of it. I have a 12 y/o with it, and possibly my 6 y/o has it as well. So I understand (or at least sympathyse) with having an AS child.

 

[SonicX]

I've had some professional help and it's refunded (even before diagnosis), but there's not really a lot of things they can do about it. I mean, yes, they can give you some advice, but they can't help you tweak those little seemingly insignificant things you do that cause everything to fail.
Mainly because of they weren't even too sure about me having Asperger. The symptoms are there, the way I feel and think about everything points to AS, but they didn't notice it when speaking with me ... better yet, they did notice something, but even they couldn't put their finger on it.

I haven't got an official diagnosis yet, but there's a 30 month waiting period in the specialized centers, so it doesn't really seem like a solution...

Btw, I'm afraid you'll never be able to do more than sympathize and try to help your children if they have the same thing ... good luck when he hits puberty actually when those social needs start to grow a lot, unless when they have it a bit worse than I do, then they might be happy as they are. I'm a bit stuck between 2 worlds coz it's so light ...

 

[Turner]

Well, he's always had the social needs. Ironically, it's easier for him now because he's being homeschooled and the interaction he does have is with other homeschooled kids, who tend to not be at the same social development level that school kids are. It's still not easy for him, but he does have it easier than last year when he was in the B&M school.

Now, my 6 y/o, if he does have it, doesn't need friends. He's perfectly content to do whatever by himself. He's very close to my 4 y/o, but he doesn't need the constant attention that other kids have to have with their siblings. So he may have an easier time than my 12 y/o.

As for your problems, fortunately I can't comment on that. (I say fortunately, because if I could I'd probably really screw you up.) But I can say that I would talk to your case manager and tell them you need to be paired with someone who's experienced with Asperger's. There should be a specialist like that near you, and they can definately help you.

 

[SonicX]

Don't be too fast on judging that your little ones, if they'd have ain't gonna need friends and such. When I was 6 years old, I didn't need any friends either and I thought myself how to read and write, I even knew all world flags and the whole map ... good enough for me at that time.
But that changed quite quickly as I grew up.
I don't wanna sound negative about that, it's just that a lot can change and you won't be able to grasp the changes happening in your kids mind. Hell, my parents still have no idea what I'm thinking or what I need or want.

I don't see how you could screw things up for me though. A comment on the internet ain't gonna get me thrown of a cliff
Well, I went to what was allegedly the most prominent name among specialists, but as they only recognized this condition as of 2001, the number of specialists are severely limited ofcourse.
But actually, I was only wondering whether it'd be a good idea to keep blocking the emotions, or "ride the rapids" as they say

 

[Ultima Dragoon]

On self-diagnose: I probably have asbergers (or hypochondria).

I know about aspergers; definately not as much as Turner_727, but I do know that it is unhealthy to have your "barrier" up for prolonged amounts of time.

Ride the rapids, as you would say.

Specialists? Don't even bother with em. They're a waste of money.

You will be a much happier and fuller person than you ever would be if you didn't use your emotions.

Try and make some friends who seem to have a high intelligence; it is most likely that you would feel more "at home" with them.

And remeber, you always have friends here on the CFC. If you ever need to talk, just PM someone.

 

[Jawz II]

A few miscellaneous comments on friends:

-One thing to keep in mind is to not be TOO nice.

wow, theres nothing i hate more than the words "too" and "nice" being put together like that

if i was a normal person that would a pet peeve of mine, but im not , so i hate it intensly and passionately

listen, a person cant be TOO nice, ever!
nice, is a good thing, its like saying someone is too rich, or too beautiful!

a person can be a complete pushover, a person can let others use him/her, a person can be affriad to stand up for himself, but a person cant be too nice.

 

[Turner]

On self-diagnose: I probably have asbergers (or hypochondria).

I know about aspergers; definately not as much as Turner_727, but I do know that it is unhealthy to have your "barrier" up for prolonged amounts of time.

I don't know very much, because my son was just diagnosed with it. However, we have been dealing with simular issues with my daughter for 8 years now. There are certain things that will be the same.

Ride the rapids, as you would say.

Specialists? Don't even bother with em. They're a waste of money.

I disagree. You may know yourself (but not as well as you think you know yourself) but a specialist has seen dozens if not hundreds of people just like you. They're going to have the experience on how to deal with it, and how to teach other people around you how to deal with it. Granted, there are a lot of 'specialists' that aren't worth the paper their degree is printed on, but there are specialists out there who are worth their weight in gold.

You will be a much happier and fuller person than you ever would be if you didn't use your emotions.

Again, I gotta disagree with this. "To thine own self be true." This doesn't mean stiffle your emotions, it doesn't mean let them run rampant. The trick is to acknowledge them, control them. Don't let them control you. Hey, it's not easy, I'm still learning.

Try and make some friends who seem to have a high intelligence; it is most likely that you would feel more "at home" with them.

I hope that works out that way.

And remeber, you always have friends here on the CFC. If you ever need to talk, just PM someone.

Indeed!

 

[AceChilla]

I can't give you any real advice because I dont know anything about this stuff. But I do think that blocking out any emotions isn't the way to go in the long run.

 

[mrtn]

I think that only the alpha people have enough friends coming to them, all others have to ask people to come have a good time.

I probably have to be the "asker" for 75% of the time.

And, it's also a fact that a lot of people will never ask you themselves, but that doesn't mean that they don't like being with you, it's just how they're wired.

 

[Mr. Blonde]

I wouldn´t be too concerned nobody asks you to go out first, maybe they wait for you organising because they are accustomed to it. Furthermore I would be annoyed by people inviting themselves coming to my home (mainly because I have to clean up things then ), the other way round is the usual one.

On the Issue: I would say let your emotions go, with time you will learn how to live with them. Having cycles with blocking/ letting everything go and start blocking again is more unhealthy.

I was similar to you several years ago, but learning to live with my emotions made the impression other people get from me more "authentic", I also get a better connection with other people by living with my emotions (I understand them more than I did when only acting polite).

The process may take several months, but it´s worth a try.