What would you do? A sticky situation.

[JohnRM]

NOTICE: The names and places have been changed to protect the innocent.


clan; Group of people related by blood or marriage

family; In this case, shall refer to those of the same house, not necessarily all those related to the subject.


Marsha & Aaron were dating. Over the course of a year, Aaron was accepted into Marsha's clan as if he were one of their own. Then it was discovered that Aaron was having an affair with another woman. Despite this, Marsha remained with Aaron and it was her wish that her clan would continue to accept Aaron, as well. This did not take and they excommunicated Aaron for his offense. They felt as though it was not only Marsha who had been betrayed, but all of them. Further revelations led the clan to discover that Aaron was grossly irresponsible in many other ways. They decided that he was not an honorable person and that they could not sit with him. As time went on, Marsha continued to be plagued by Aaron's unfaithfulness. For many years now, it was understood that Aaron was not welcome at family and clan gatherings.

This Christmas, a small faction within her clan (40%) decided that for just one day they might put aside their inclinations and sit with Aaron for dinner -- the whole spirit of forgiveness thing. Her family was split by the idea and the remainder of her clan was staunchly opposed to it (60%). Those opposed expressed that they would not attend dinner at her family's residence if Aaron were present. Now, there is a somewhat bitter divide within the clan about the issue.

You are the nephew of Marsha, but you are an adult. You are the patriarch of your family, but still young. Your words and actions do not carry a lot of weight within your clan, but they will be noticed. The rest of your family is weak with regards to leadership abilities, so the opportunity exists for you to rally opposition or support. Now, in the situation described above, your actor has already rallied opposition, but what would you have done? Are you justified in your opposition and choice not to attend or should you have acted differently? If opposition is not rallied, those who might otherwise be opposed to Aaron's presence might still attend. A few will not attend, regardless.


What say you? Feel free to ask additional questions, if more information is required.



FAQ;

1. Has Aaron changed?

It would appear as though he has not, though no one can be sure. No one follows up on his life, but there is no indication that he has become more responsible or that he has been faithful. He has made no attempt to reconcile himself with the clan or to apologize for his actions.

 

[Perfection]

Well what power do I have over the events? Is this just a matter of attending versus not attending?

 

[JohnRM]

Of course, it would help if I described your position and power in the situation, wouldn't it.

Don't anyone respond as of yet, I must alter the story.

You are the nephew of Marsha, but you are an adult. You are the patriarch of your family, but still young. Your words and actions do not carry a lot of weight within your clan, but they will be noticed. The rest of your family is weak with regards to leadership abilities, so the opportunity exists for you to rally opposition or support. Now, in the situation described above, your actor has already rallied opposition, but what would you have done? Are you justified in your opposition and choice not to attend or should you have acted differently? If opposition is not rallied, those who might otherwise be opposed to Aaron's presence might still attend. A few will not attend, regardless.

 

[MeteorPunch]

If he's a changed person who hasn't acted out in years and loves their clan girl, they should try to give him a chance. If he's still up to his old ways, he shouldn't be invited.

 

[JollyRoger]

I would think that until you are willing to excommunicate Aunt Marsha from the clan, you should live with her wishes for a companion at occasional family gatherings, however misguided those wishes may seem.

 

[JohnRM]

Marsha is already generally excommunicated from most of the clan. She attends only Christmas and a few other events. Otherwise, few ask about her or speak to her on a regular basis. Her last remaining strong link is between herself and her Mother and sister. The opposition is centered around her brother, her sister-in-law, and her nephew. Other actors might also be less inclined to attend, but might perhaps have done so without the opposition from the above-mentioned.

 

[JollyRoger]

That is all pretty screwed up. My worst Christmas was one year when I was around 20 and being expected to spend the entire day at my stepgrandparents because my stepfather and his father were ending a two year spat. I also had pressures to spend my entire day with my father and also my girlfriend at the time who was on the outs with my family. Somehow, each of these factions were highly insulted by the proposition that I might divide up my day. By the time the day arrived, I would have preferred to spend it alone rather than with any of these people vying for the exclusive. I think people make way too big of a deal over these things.

 

[Patroklos]

Don't validate her weakness by attending. I am assuming that Marsha is not okay with the cheating of her dude but rather is the typical "I can change him" idiot valley girl. If this is the case all you do by accepting him is reinforce he submissivness and ensure she never takes the stand she really wants to.

On the other hand if it is just a non typical relationship and they are open with multiple partners then it is simple a question of what you want to expose yourself and your family to.

 

[JohnRM]

She has been invited to attend these kinds of events. She chose not to attend most of them. She chose her own excommunication, for the most part. Earlier in her relationship with Aaron, she decided that she would leave him and asked her clan for help. They acquiesced on the condition that she never see him again and also try to straighten her life up. She agreed, but then began to see him again and did little to nothing to do better for herself, essentially choosing this man over her family.

 

[Patroklos]

It sounds like you have a situation no different than an alcoholic or a crack addict. If you are not willing to be firm and intrusive enough to force a resolution of the situation, cut her off entirely and let her live with the consequences of her choices.

 

[JohnRM]

So, thus far...

1 voted that action was justified.
2 voted that action was too lenient.
No votes for action was unjustified.

 

[GreatEngineer]

I think it was right to "rally opposition." (I loved that phrase!) If there's one thing I hate, it's hypocrisy, and if Marsha told the clan she would stop dating Aaron and didn't, well the clan's scornful response is justified, IMO.

2 fun side notes:
First, John, I think your OP (that means original post right?) was very well-written and I really enjoyed reading it. Your command of the English language far exceeds the average blogger's.
Second, you mention changing the names to protect the innocent, however, you don't mention protecting the anonymity of the guilty -- you don't have to respond to that point, but one wonders.

 

[duckduckswan]

As a nephew, I don't think I personally have enough forgiveness in me for this Uncle Aaron.

But this is such a tricky question. It would be hard to base off a single sitting whether he had truly changed his ways making any ulterior motive for coming to the dinner to try and discover this moot.

So I guess my rambling leads me to the answer: Yes, I'd sit at the dinner. If he treated my aunt like a saint at the occasion and was man enough to ask forgiveness from the family for his act, I could the entertain the idea of bridging the gap again in the future. However, if he neglected her in anyway it would then be open season on him. Last strike, he's out.

 

[JohnRM]

I think it was right to "rally opposition." (I loved that phrase!) If there's one thing I hate, it's hypocrisy, and if Marsha told the clan she would stop dating Aaron and didn't, well the clan's scornful response is justified, IMO.

2 fun side notes:
First, John, I think your OP (that means original post right?) was very well-written and I really enjoyed reading it. Your command of the English language far exceeds the average blogger.
Second, you mention changing the names to protect the innocent, however, you don't mention protecting the anonymity of the guilty -- you don't have to respond to that point, but one wonders.

Yes, 'OP' means 'original post'.

When I started writing the post, I imagined that I would include a name for other actors as the story was originally intended to be longer, to include more detail. Partly through it, I considered that if it were too long, then fewer might read it. I decided that I would only write about the most important details and be done with it. I reckoned that 'protect the innocent' still carried some humorous weight with it, still, so it was left in.

 

[JohnRM]

As a nephew, I don't think I personally have enough forgiveness in me for this Uncle Aaron.

But this is such a tricky question. It would be hard to base off a single sitting whether he had truly changed his ways making any ulterior motive for coming to the dinner to try and discover this moot.

So I guess my rambling leads me to the answer: Yes, I'd sit at the dinner. If he treated my aunt like a saint at the occasion and was man enough to ask forgiveness from the family for his act, I could the entertain the idea of bridging the gap again in the future. However, if he neglected her in anyway it would then be open season on him. Last strike, he's out.

Marsha and Aaron are not married. Aaron is not related to you (as the nephew). Your Aunt Marsha is the youngest sister of your Mother.

 

[CavLancer]

Tell them all its okay to come because you'll need help throwing Aaron in the pool. Then, when everyone shows up tell them its no go, darn, forgot we don't have a pool and can't you all stay for a drink and a 5 course snack since you drove so far?

 

[Kraznaya]

She's an adult. She can make her own decisions. If she is welcome at your gathering, then so is her significant other.

 

[GreatEngineer]

She's an adult. She can make her own decisions. If she is welcome at your gathering, then so is her significant other.

Perhaps I'm rephrasing the question the wrong way, but I understand the situation in the reverse of what you describe. Instead of (paraphrasing) if she then he, I read it as if he is UNwelcome, then should she who refuses to give him up BE welcome?

 

[JohnRM]

The House of Green, our host for the event, announced that they have 'overstepped [their] bounds' and has apologized. Aaron will not be invited to attend. Victory! Of course, now we have to wonder for the long-term consequences between the factions within our clan. It may be, perhaps, that our two Houses will drift apart. I hope that it will not be so. At least, for the time being, we have coerced the Greens into submitting to our will, but that might bring forth bitter resentment later.

Our clan has been embroiled in a constant power struggle for almost a decade now. The old guard which should have exercised its power to protect the family and ensure the integrity of our honor and principles has been ineffective at managing such things. There was a lack of discipline and ethics that has cost us over time. Accepting a cheating bastard such as Aaron is just one example. That is a stain on our honor. Of course, now the younger generations are coming of age and we are taking over in a big way, but the old guard is not going out quietly.

I think that this is what it was all about. We were persuaded to hold Christmas at the House of Green in order rekindle a feeling of 'the old days' but it was more about returning power to the old guard. Prior to this, we had been meeting at my House and the House of my Uncle. They wanted an opportunity to exercise authority over a given situation that was important and that is why they proposed that Christmas be held at their House and later why Aaron was invited. It was a move intended at forcing us to swallow something that we did not like thereby exhibiting their ability to exercise authority over us.

I know that I make it sound incredibly vicious and more like nations battling each other rather than families, but it is exactly that serious and the manipulation, in some cases, does go this far. You may ask why we don't just part ways and be done with it. The answer is that we are family and ultimately what we are trying to do is correct decades of neglect and apathy wherein it relates to leadership and principle. To split off might be good enough, but that is not what I want. It is important to keep them within the fold in order to placate other clan members who would not let go. These others are the hearts and minds that we wish to win over. Our power to persuade them to any given course and into making the right decisions will not be as strong if we cannot subdue the old guard instead of removing them.

 

[Karalysia]

Your life is like a play of Antigone or Hamlet perhaps. When will the bloodshed begin?