What's the Purrrfect Medieval Army Composition?

[Plains-Cow]

In this thread, we discuss what we think what would make up the purrrfect medieval army and why. Get as creative as you'd like; the only limit is your imagination.

YOU MUST END YOUR POST WITH "I HAVE CREATED THE PURRRFECT MEDIEVAL ARMY" IF YOU WANT AN OFFICIAL APPRAISAL.

Funpowder Units
I'd want to employ a lot of confetti shooters to really surprise the enemy. Getting them tangled up would also be a bonus, but only the ones who appear prone to slipping humorously so as to improve morale.

Fright Cavalry
Horses painted with plenty of spooky paint and dressed up in spooky clothing. Perhaps one looks like a skeleton. Perhaps one looks like a wizard with a beard. Really good at freaking out the enemy.

SSBBWHeavy Cavalry
Horses that are really fat with equally fat riders. Fed on only the fattiest and sweetest foods. BOTH man and beast. I'm talking Henry the Eighth is an amateur compared to these guys. Imagine getting hit with a charge!

Singers and Jazzalins
Castrati from the Catholic church and jazzhand performers to distract the enemy and to perform recon. They'll never suspect the singers to be the lookouts, and the jazzers can signal around for the main army help direct troops with clear, fun, and safe orders.

Armied Infantry
Infantry that came back in a time machine from 2023 with modern equipment and 10,000 rounds each. Gets teleported back to modern times if they run out of ammo.

Fancers
Light riders carrying fans to help keep the troops cool in hot fighting weather. Can band together to do "the wave" and push extra air across the battlefield as needed.

Shartchers
Lactose-intolerant men LOADED TO THE BRIM WITH DAIRY. Put a few arrows in "creative" places, and they'll perform better than any longbow at piecing armor.

Horse Shartchers
Lactose-intolerant horses without riders. Flanking animals that run around the enemy to deal out devilish "business." Synergy with fancers following up behind.

Greek Flier Troops
A bunch of Greeks carrying parchment and glue to slap on the helmets of the enemy. They can't hit what they can't see! They'll be paid in gyros and olive oil for each man papered.

Shearmen
Hold the middle of the army's line with large gardening shears. Also able to create handy paths on the battlefield.

Catapults
Catapults that are cat-shaped and only shoot cat-shaped rocks chiseled to cat-shaped specifications. A great boon for the masonry/carpentry industry.

Thus,

I have created the purrrfect medieval army.

 

[Kyriakos]

Half cataphracts, half varangians, obviously

 

[Takhisis]

Half cataphracts, half varangians, obviously

You forgot the Greek fire.

Also a special force of Geeks bearing .gifs.

 

[Ajidica]

You forgot the Greek fire.

Pretty sure Greek Fire is what I get after eating too many cheap gyros.

 

[Gori the Grey]

Y'all three forgot (mostly Kyr) to end your posts in the proper way.

I have not yet created the purrrfect medieval army. I'll give it some thought.

 

[amadeus]

I think I would want to impart on them my knowledge of technology and military strategy, so I would try to get firearms like a Gatling gun, telegraphs, steam engines, and whatever kinds of marvels could be produced at the time with the resources available. Similarly, sanitation and modern economic theory to create the nation-state capable of great conquest.

Why have a bunch of illiterate fleabag dirt farm peasants? Or a gaggle of knights with their goofball chivalry codes and stinky horses? We’re going full Patton! Or von Moltke. With a little bit of Liberace in for spice.

 

[Takhisis]

Y'all three forgot (mostly Kyr) to end your posts in the proper way.

Which would be…?

I think I would want to impart on them my knowledge of technology and military strategy, so I would try to get firearms like a Gatling gun, telegraphs, steam engines, and whatever kinds of marvels could be produced at the time with the resources available. Similarly, sanitation and modern economic theory to create the nation-state capable of great conquest.

Why have a bunch of illiterate fleabag dirt farm peasants? Or a gaggle of knights with their goofball chivalry codes and stinky horses? We’re going full Patton! Or von Moltke. With a little bit of Liberace in for spice.

Well, a 'medioeval army' can range from a bunch of unarmored guys with big shields and pointed sticks trying to hold on to a formation and who live off the land to a large-sized army with barded horses, siege engines, camp commandants, something of a supply train, &c. so what is the definition?

 

[amadeus]

so what is the definition?

Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

 

[Hygro]

A really sexy leader who can shout "hold" over and over again so well that the peasants don’t break the line when the knights charge.

 

[FriendlyFire]

I think I would want to impart on them my knowledge of technology and military strategy, so I would try to get firearms like a Gatling gun, telegraphs, steam engines, and whatever kinds of marvels could be produced at the time with the resources available. Similarly, sanitation and modern economic theory to create the nation-state capable of great conquest.

Why have a bunch of illiterate fleabag dirt farm peasants? Or a gaggle of knights with their goofball chivalry codes and stinky horses? We’re going full Patton! Or von Moltke. With a little bit of Liberace in for spice.

One of the best trime travel light novels
Though why a 16 year old Japanese school girl would have extensive knowledge of agriculture, chemistry, metalology, mining, medical science, engineering and warfare is somewhat conveniently not mentioned.
Maybe she is just Moe ? Apart from that is a well researched and historically grounded story.

 

[amadeus]

One of the best trime travel light novels
Though why a 16 year old Japanese school girl would have extensive knowledge of agriculture, chemistry, metalology, mining, medical science, engineering and warfare is somewhat conveniently not mentioned.

Yeah, this is why I only went up to mid-19th centuryish. I have some basic ideas of how things work and could point them in the right direction, but I wouldn’t know how to just build a jet engine or a digital computer out of nothing.

 

[Nick723]

Nights in shining armour.

Special forces units that only attack in the dark, using their shiny breastplates to travel by the light of the moon.

I have created the purrrfect medieval army.

 

[Plains-Cow]

Nights in shining armour.

Special forces units that only attack in the dark, using their shiny breastplates to travel by the light of the moon.

I have created the purrrfect medieval army.

Official Appraisal:

It sounds like a risk to have an entire army be one type of unit, but I can see it working if they're super-special special forces. I also like how they perform dual duty regarding protection and navigation.

I also assume that they have a bit of extra defense on their armour because it contains the extra letter "u." Just like colours are more colourful that colors.

 

[Remorseless1]

Kittens with shields and ugly steel maces
Bow-carrying calicos with smirks on their faces
Angoras and Persians swinging swords in wide-open spaces
... these are the things that are a purrrfect medieval army

 

[Nick723]

Official Appraisal:

It sounds like a risk to have an entire army be one type of unit, but I can see it working if they're super-special special forces. I also like how they perform dual duty regarding protection and navigation.

I also assume that they have a bit of extra defense on their armour because it contains the extra letter "u." Just like colours are more colourful that colors.

Indeed it is a risk, well spotted! Therefore they are sometimes complemented by:

Women at Legs

The perfect counter to men at arms, an all female fighting force specially trained in the use of their lower limbs for combat. Think spiky boots, aggressive knee pads and some serious kung fu skills.

I have created the purrrfect medieval army.

 

[AmazonQueen]

camelopard cataphracts with very long lances - motto stick them with the pointy end

giant condor mounted archers to harass the enemy and kill commanders until they break at which point the lancers attack - motto death from above

kittypults - shooting litters of kittens at enemy formations - as they break up to pet the kittens the lancers attack - motto miaow

I have created the purrrfect medieval army.

 

[Plains-Cow]

Indeed it is a risk, well spotted! Therefore they are sometimes complemented by:

Women at Legs

The perfect counter to men at arms, an all female fighting force specially trained in the use of their lower limbs for combat. Think spiky boots, aggressive knee pads and some serious kung fu skills.

I have created the purrrfect medieval army.

ADDENDUM:

This seems to balance out the fighting force representation while adding some can-do spirit with high kicks. Have you considered adding ranged units and possible siege equipment, or is this a purely "decisive battle" force?

camelopard cataphracts with very long lances - motto stick them with the pointy end

giant condor mounted archers to harass the enemy and kill commanders until they break at which point the lancers attack - motto death from above

kittypults - shooting litters of kittens at enemy formations - as they break up to pet the kittens the lancers attack - motto miaow

I have created the purrrfect medieval army.

Official Appraisal:

Creative mounted units have always been stellar at startling enemy cavalry and breaking up formations by causing fear. Berry gud.

The giant condor archers would probably require small riders, unless the condors have been doing their push-ups. Taking warfare to the skies probably sees you winning a lot of battles.

Kittypults sound like great diversion tactics (and potential reserve food sources for the condor riders' mounts).

I think this is a good army, but what about the infantry for garrisoning cities and occupying tough terrain? Or will the dismounted condor archers and camelopard looooooong lancers serve that role as well?

 

[Nick723]

ADDENDUM:

This seems to balance out the fighting force representation while adding some can-do spirit with high kicks. Have you considered adding ranged units and possible siege equipment, or is this a purely "decisive battle" force?

Very well. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

Siege comes in the form of…

Battering Rams

Specially bred flocks of sheep that long for the inside of a castle, and will do anything to get inside.

And ranged are of course…

The Cross Bowmen

Furious with life and its general unfairness, and willing to take it out on literally anyone.

By now, I am getting close to create the purrrfect medieval army.

 

[AmazonQueen]

Official Appraisal:

Creative mounted units have always been stellar at startling enemy cavalry and breaking up formations by causing fear. Berry gud.

The giant condor archers would probably require small riders, unless the condors have been doing their push-ups. Taking warfare to the skies probably sees you winning a lot of battles.

Kittypults sound like great diversion tactics (and potential reserve food sources for the condor riders' mounts).

I think this is a good army, but what about the infantry for garrisoning cities and occupying tough terrain? Or will the dismounted condor archers and camelopard looooooong lancers serve that role as well?

We're a horde. We came, we saw, we made an absolute nuisance of ourselves then we went home, until the next raiding season.

 

[Kyriakos]

Everyone knows that Nephelocentaurs can win any battle on their own, as shown in the 2nd century AD space-opera by Lucian of Samosata