Why do some people completely ignore others they know?

[longtimelurker0]

So there's this girl (I'm a guy btw), that I've known for a few months and I always felt something strange in the way we interact. First off, we met when both of us were the only ones in a study lounge at midnight studying for our classes, and it turned out, we were in the same engineering class. We chatted quite a bit throughout the night until 4am, when we left and went back home. The next day, she remembered me in the lab, and it seemed normal. She saw me as she was leaving, and we talked a little about our projects. Now, fast forward a week, and I finally came to lecture and while waiting outside for the prevoious class to end (I usually watch webcasts which is why I usually don't show up) and when I saw her and smiled her, and instead of saying hi, she looked down and smiled a bit and walked away. We bumped into each other a few times after in lecture and in lab and she acted as if she doesn't know me. During that time, Once in a crowd when we're pretty close, she walked around me without any acknowledgement. So I thought that she probably doesn't like me as a person after those two interactions for whatever reason and I forgot about her. Three weeks later, I received a facebook notification that she accepted my friend request from 3 weeks ago and a few days after, she started talking to me and we chatted with me about our project in the lab. We also studied a bit together, with some other friends as finals approached that semester. Whatever, that concludes last semester.

This semester, we occasionally say hi to each other if we bump into each other, other times she ignores me when she passes me, but I don't think there is anything too odd to talk about.

Some people have suggested that there is a good chance she likes me (a more detailed version of this was posted in a few other forums I lurk around), but instead of discussing that here, I'll be asking you guys this: If she does NOT like me, why would she act like this to someone she knows? I get that sometimes people may be may be busy in their thoughts and occasionally ignore people they pass, but the way she treated me, in the weeks after we first met, she completely ignored as if she doesn't know me at all. Most acquaintances at least acknowledge me, especially if we're not passing each other quickly but saw each other while standing in close proximity. And those include acquaintances who I only talked to once in class for like 10 minutes, much less a few hours which was the case when I first met the girl. I thought she could only do this if she dislikes me or forgot about me. But then she started talking to me again suddenly a few weeks later, so clearly, she cannot dislike me, nor did she forget me right after we 1st met.

 

[Borachio]

It doesn't pay to over-think what women are thinking, in my experience. If you like her, just act like you like her (should be easy enough) and let whatever's happening in her head be her own business.

Of course, her behaviour may have nothing to do with her being female at all. She may just be very odd. And nearly all the very best people are pretty odd, anyway.

 

[bhavv]

I do this because social anxiety.

 

[Leoreth]

(Edit: crosspost with bhavv)

Social anxiety?

Socially anxious people tend to question what their "status" is with people they barely know and have only interacted with a couple of times with. So it's possible she avoided contact because she assumed that's what you wanted. I know from my own experience that this attitude can be maintained despite overwhelming evidence that the other person does want contact with you.

Second option: from the way your question was phrased it seems that you are interested in her. Maybe you've said something that gave her the impression, but she isn't interested. So she's avoiding you because she's afraid she'll have to reject you.

 

[BenitoChavez]

I do this because social anxiety.

I'd say this is a probable cause. Social anxiety can come and go for reasons that aren't readily apparent. Or at least that sometimes happens with me. Another possibility is that at times she is preoccupied with some other matter and she doesn't pay as much attention to the standard social niceties due to being distracted.

 

[bhavv]

Back when I used to work in a supermarket, even when friends from uni / housemates would come to my checkout, I would barely recognize their existence. They would then comment that I didn't speak much while at work which I agreed with. It was an inner desire to not want to come across as distracted or aloof while working, and a fear of them doing anything embarrassing. Now if I had to go back to work serving customers (I really don't, I will make sure customer jobs are a last possibility), I would literally have to ban people I know from coming to my checkout or refuse to serve them.

I cant combine any combination of work / social / family. Its only one, and none of the others.

I didn't realise I had anything wrong with me back when I was at uni / work, but the uber drugs I now take should help a lot once I manage to return to working.

 

[CavLancer]

She might have talked to another girl about you. If the trend of the conversation was "Hey I met longtimelurker0 in study the other day." Other girl... :Oh he's cute."

In that case your stock has gone up in a big way and your relationship will either proceed in your 15 minutes of fame or she'll move on.

If the conversation was "Hey I met longtimelurker0 in study the other day." and the other replied, "He's weird."

In that case no matter what you do, forget it.

Thing is, her actions of smiling and wandering off might be the same in either case.

OR

Could be some chemical change, wait a week and ask her if she wants to study with you.

OR

It has something to do with a particular confluence of the moons of Jupiter.

OR

She got a bf in the interim.

Could be anything, don't get in a twist about it.

 

[Farm Boy]

I try very hard not to nitpick too closely people's social queues, especially if they're the sort of person that generally takes engineering classes. It's not always their strong suit. Take them as you find them, treat people nicely and appropriately for the sort of relationship you are interested in having with them. Either they'll share that desire, or they won't.

 

[Leoreth]

Actually, speaking as a person who had severe social anxiety in the past, a little pushing is appreciated.

 

[TheMeInTeam]

It's like a puzzle game! Sometimes it's hard to tell and people will throw you off though. If you knew her better it would be easier, because you'd have some context in terms of how she normally acts and whether you're different/to what extent.

Some people are just more or less friendly (and observant) as a baseline. For example you'd tend to interpret someone complimenting you on your appearance differently depending on whether that's a routine part of their friendly conversation with basically anybody. I know a few people like this, and generally I know when I get a compliment on appearance (something I admit I don't pay much attention to) that I managed to put on something better than usual that day because they don't usually tell me that and they've no incentive to mislead me ^_^. If someone I knew less well hit me with that out of the blue I'd pay a little more attention until I got a bearing for their tendencies.

Then you have temporary factors like mood (for both people) and situation that can cause otherwise unusual behavior.

I've been blindsided in both directions in the past before I looked up how people generally approach this. Back then I wound up interpreting someone as interested that wasn't (not atypical when you're not used to reading signals, but annoyingly embarrassing), but more amusingly also had a case where I (very wrongly) assumed that someone who was in a relationship that I was talking to in the study lounge was just being friendly. In the latter case she mentioned she had a boyfriend pretty early in the conversation (USUALLY a clear signal that it's is just a friendly conversation or it wouldn't be mentioned), but I really was just exhausted and didn't want to look at my book anymore so I didn't care. Breakfast and a few days later I wound up on a date I didn't realize was a date until I got there lol. That's a pretty amusing memory.

My guess based on what's written here and no observations is that she is either considering you (and not necessarily only you) on occasion or believes you're interested in her and is unsure, but not necessarily opposed. In other words, if you make a move correctly + properly timed it'd probably work. It does have the sounding of a bit of social anxiety either way though. Generally if you try talking to people who are perfectly neutral to you and aren't awkward about your attempt you'll get a routine conversation, not them avoiding talking to you. If someone is avoiding it on occasion *and not doing that with everyone else also* then you know something is up one way or another.

 

[Manfred Belheim]

It could be a whole host of reasons. It doesn't sound like you have ever really had a whole lot of interaction, certainly not enough to become "friends", so really she's under no obligation to offer you a beaming smile every time she sees you. It could be social anxiety, it could be that she really likes you and is shy, it could be that she really dislikes you and occasionally has to be nice for the sake of social grace, it could be that you barely register on her radar. And we also have no idea how awkward or free-flowing any of your interactions have been. Did you hit it off really well, or was she stuck in a study room with you for 4 hours and was being awkwardly polite while you said things like "so... you have big feet huh? Do you like... any kinds of cheese?".

The only thing that seems clear to me is that you're far too much invested in her and have spent too much time and energy overthinking this. I don't mean that as a criticism, but I do think it's probably not making you very happy. Sending a facebook friend request to someone you occasionally say hi to is maybe a bit pushy though. And I would think, even with social anxiety, not accepting that for 3 weeks is kind of unlikely if she likes you. Anyway, you've not progressed beyond occasionally saying hi in a number of months, despite probably crossing paths quite often, so I would say it's not likely to go much beyond that in future. Let it go and stop dwelling on it.

 

[Lohrenswald]

I have a tendency to avoid people I know. For the most part people I haven't spoken to in a relatively long time.

I question how much they really care for me, or what they think of me, and that makes me afraid to aknowledge them.

I am also often afraid they are going to call me out on something. For example I used to be basically the brightest in class my 13 years at school, but know at university I don't do as great and generally aren't as passionate about the subjects as I was. And I am afraid of having to admit that.

There are also probably more things. I think I'm more self reflective than I used to be, but there still are things I'm uncertain of.

 

[longtimelurker0]

The only thing that seems clear to me is that you're far too much invested in her and have spent too much time and energy overthinking this. I don't mean that as a criticism, but I do think it's probably not making you very happy. Sending a facebook friend request to someone you occasionally say hi to is maybe a bit pushy though. And I would think, even with social anxiety, not accepting that for 3 weeks is kind of unlikely if she likes you. Anyway, you've not progressed beyond occasionally saying hi in a number of months, despite probably crossing paths quite often, so I would say it's not likely to go much beyond that in future. Let it go and stop dwelling on it.

I just asked wondering why any person, regardless of gender, would behave like this in general, and I could've just as easily asked this if a guy acquaintance ignored me the same way she did. I figured it be useful to know for any type of interactions I have with others in the future, with guys or girls, casual, professional or romantic.

 

[Manfred Belheim]

I just asked wondering why any person, regardless of gender, would behave like this in general, and I could've just as easily asked this if a guy acquaintance ignored me the same way she did. I figured it be useful to know for any type of interactions I have with others in the future, with guys or girls, casual, professional or romantic.

Well I wasn't meaning to be harsh, but there isn't really enough information to go on. Even if we'd literally been standing in your shoes there probably wouldn't be enough information to go on. There could be any number of things (or lack of) going on in her head that would explain it. So I just commented on the one aspect of the post that I thought I could actually give some meaningful feedback on. I apologise if I mistook genuine, detached academic curiosity for something else, but there was no judgement intended and I've been there myself. But even if it is detached, academic curiosity my advice would be the same. Stop dwelling on it and move on.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

I just asked wondering why any person, regardless of gender, would behave like this in general, and I could've just as easily asked this if a guy acquaintance ignored me the same way she did. I figured it be useful to know for any type of interactions I have with others in the future, with guys or girls, casual, professional or romantic.

One very basic thing to consider, if a person is either elderly or has vision problems: Sometimes they don't say hello or otherwise acknowledge people because they literally don't see them. It's not a snub if they really don't know you're there.

 

[CavLancer]

longtimelurker0, I just want to applaud your wisdom in choosing a forum with such a deep and, shall I say, intimate, knowledge of women.

Good call, taking it to the experts.

 

[bhavv]

Lolz. Boy has first crush. To teh interwebs! Civfanatics furems, I choose u!

 

[CavLancer]

Very embarrassing, and a assumption. Lets assume boy is the Casanova of the engineering dept, but this girl is something special (not just an assemblage of functional parts with a high degree of design integration) Maybe this is the one, ever think of that? He's confused by her specialness.

So here comes here, why? Because we're not engineers, we play freakin games all day. We are the stupid but savvy. Anyway that may be what he thinks, or thought. Look at prior posts I'm guessing he's wondering about the savvy part. Conjecture, yes. But who knows? Might be...

 

[Kozmos]

Overthinking it. Sometimes people do or don't do stuff just because they are people. I'll just say this, if the signals aren't crystal clear don't bother or if you bother just directly ask her out and if the answer is no the sooner you can put it behind you and become friends or acquaintances again.

 

[schlaufuchs]

Social interaction's a two-way street dude. And social pressures/DA PATRIARCHY reinforces meek/subservient behavior among women (as in many are reluctant to initiate conversation with men). If all you do is stare at her and smile and awkwardly wave there are all manner of things that could be running through her head. Maybe she thinks you're a weirdo. Maybe she's picking up that you're macking on her (because you're staring at her like a weirdo) but doesn't feel the same and feels awkward. Maybe she's into you but is waiting for you to make the first move. Maybe she's unsure of what you two are (friends? acquaintances? staring-buddies?) and so isn't sure how you two are supposed to work around other people.

If you want to get to know this girl (whether as friends/so's/[fornicate] buddies/whatever) you're going to need to talk to her. In a not-over-facebook context.