Wrote a short story, looking for critique

[Sarin]

Few years ago, after a bit of inspiration grew into an idea, I wrote a very short story, just to see if I can. While I hope it'll be entertaining for you, I'm looking for a bit of feedback. What you liked about it and dislike, what should I improve. Personally, looking at it now I'm not happy with the ending...the way I wrote just feels a bit off to me. And maybe I should have let the banter run for a few more lines before that, when I was writing it I felt it had run its course and it was time to end it.

Anyway, enjoy and let me know what you honestly think of it.

 

[Zkribbler]

I can't figure out what is going on. Is this a meeting of aliens? If so, what are the Easter Bunny and Santa doing there? Any why is everyone so upset?

 

[Sarin]

Its more like a meeting of mythological creatures. After all, aliens, in the "little green/gray men" form, are pretty much a modern mythology.

Most of it is banter between them, rather than being really angry, but there's quite bit of philosophy hidden beneath it. I just hope it's noticeable.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

It's a cute meeting of legends and cryptids. Most of them I caught (clever Krampus shout-out!), couldn't figure out who the Narrator is. Jesus?

Text could use some polishing. Tense in the first paragraph is inconsistent: I've never seen anyone move from past to present to future in the space of three sentences. My experience with English-language dialogue is the spoken word finishes with a comma if it's part of a consistent sentence (i.e. “You know they can't,” I reminded him.) and the first word is always capitalized, even if resuming from a break (”We'll be late for the meeting!”). All paragraphs should be indented if you're not adding extra spaces.

“They don't it this way, so be it.” reads like something got clipped.

I'm sorry to say if you were invoking any specific Deep Philosophy, it was too subtle for me.

 

[Sarin]

Thanks. Looks like I missed a few things those few years ago. Yeah, something disappeared from that sentence, seems like I'll have to rewrite it.

Any suggestions for the first paragraph? Looking back at it, it does seem a bit odd, how would you go about rewriting that part?

Perhaps the philosophy is specific to me. Think about how things scientific, mythological and divine are all product of same human drive, but they lead to vastly different consequences...

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

Any suggestions for the first paragraph? Looking back at it, it does seem a bit odd, how would you go about rewriting that part?

Oh, that's easy:

Of course, that was not unusual for the time of year. In just a few minutes, the sky would erupt in all the colours of the rainbow. And yet, the present humble light was infinitely more majestic than the entire flood that awaited the spark^signal? from its masters, entirely oblivious to the wonder that just happened far above them.​

Last clause is kinda clunky and a more extensive rewrite would be in my voice rather than yours. It can probably be taken out entirely as it drags out the thought without really communicating anything vital.

Perhaps the philosophy is specific to me. Think about how things scientific, mythological and divine are all product of same human drive, but they lead to vastly different consequences...

Ah, you're painting with broad strokes. I wasn't sure if you were trying to evoke a particular school.