Stockholm Tribune
EDITORIAL: What's Alaska, anyway?
By Herist Sigurdsson
Like many of you, I was surprised to hear about the Alaskan invasion of the Hudsonist state of Panama. To those of us who are actually knowledgeable about politics outside of the civilized world, in "the Americas", this sounded like a perfect storm in international relations in that region. And indeed it was, with declarations and missives flying like so many bullets over the heads of our nation's embassies in the relevant countries. Before we pursue what exactly it is that's going on "over there", let's establish some grounding facts about what we know. First of all, "over there" is known as the Americas, and it's a large landmass comprised of two continents that are separated by a thin strip of water known as the Panamanian Isthmus. Simply enough, they are known as North and South America, or as we will refer to them, "over there".
It's all roughly over there, but we can't be sure. Is this map out of date? Try not to think about it too much.
Let's recap! We know that this whole conflict thing is occurring in the Americas, which is over there. We also know that the nations that were directly involved are known as Alaska and Panama. That bit about the Panamanian Isthmus is about to become very important, because if Alaska were to control the Panamanian Isthmus, they would control (what's left of) the Panama Canal which is the only way for any ships to cross between the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans without going south of Terra Del Fuego. What's a terrible faygo? No clue. The important bit is that it's easier, and faster, to go through the Panama Canal. This is where it also becomes important that the nation of Panama is a Hudsonist state. Hudsonism, for those of you who aren't aware, is a bit like pre-Plague communism, except it is a political philosophy dominated by scantily-clad women. Specifically, the eponymous Hudson. What's wrong with that? Well, all Freudian thought aside, Hudsonism is a pretty hot (haha, no pun intended, but seriously) issue over there. The premier Hudsonist state, California, has supposedly funded, aided and abetted military coups in non-Hudsonist nations with the intent of spreading the philosophy. The most recent of these military coups was in Mexico. We're left to ask, what's wrong with Mexican women, that the men feel they have to curry favor with Hudson?
I just don't see the problem.
But more importantly, why is all this an issue? Because the rest of the people over there aren't too happy about the idea that a militarily-powerful nation like California is going about performing political evangelism in their borders. After all, Hudsonism is a pretty radical school of political thought that stands firmly in odds with the mostly-capitalist, traditionalist way nations are organized over there. So it wasn't so much surprising that someone had decided to so something about the Hudsonist presence in Panama, but that the person who did was Alaska. Well, Alaska isn't a person. Not since the reign of Empress Palin, anyway. Alaska is a country, roughly "very, very far north" that we can describe as "really, really, really cold". Now, I recognize readily that the United Commonwealth could be described as pretty far north, and also pretty cold. But Alaska brings cold to new levels.
Unfortunately, I was unable to find any actual images of a map of the world that included the relevant Alaska. We're left with the vision that Alaska, like a lot of nations over there, is a quasi-mythical state that exists in the hearts of children. Sort of like a horrible, warmongering Santa Claus. Before we get too light-hearted, let's remember that real people are suffering right now because of the ongoing war (or so we think). So, Alaska gets it in its head that it would be a good idea to do something about the plague of Hudsonism. Apparently they missed the memo about the use of diplomacy, but hey, it's happened before. After a few angry messages have been traded between the involved parties, Alaska gets together with its friends and associates and forms an international coalition that it calls "Free America". No, not "The Grand Coalition Against Californian Aggression", just "Free America". Which leaves us all with the impression that America is some kind of damsel in distress, captured in a tower by a horrible Hudsonist dragon. That might not be too far off, actually, but let's stick to the facts.
Where does this leave us? Well, it's all very interesting. The opinion I have to offer is this: whatever Alaska is, and whatever it is that is going on over there, it's bad. Very bad. And I think we should do something about it. I don't know what we should do, or how we should do it, but we should do something. And everyone who's with me, feel free to mail your parliamentary representative to suggest something.
Together, we can make Ian Haulsee famous in 2205.
