stop the begging! (or at least let me join in!)

i hate having those "you refused to help us" diplomacy penalties so much that i turn off tech trading, which is kind of a big part of the game. the AI comes in waves begging for techs, building those damn penalties. i'd at least like to see a "care to negotiate" button. still give me the panalty if no deal gets done, but at least give me a chance to trade for something. on the flip side, i can't even ask an AI civ for anything shaded in red, and even if i could, there doesn't seem to be any diplomacy penalty at all for them if i ask and they refuse. it really gets to me, many have died in vain...

I absolutely agree...they come with absurd requests. Constantly. Even if it doesn't add up to a lot of negativity it is damn annoying.

If the AI asks me for a tech, I say "no" and offer them to buy the tech. That helps to keep peace.
I also sell resources i don't need.

First of all, you can join. All you have to do is offer to make a trade via the usual trade screen, then choose something from the AI side without choosing something from your side. Of course, be prepared for a big penalty along with a slapdown if they either aren't really good friends or really scared of you. As for the negatives, don't you get irritated at an AI when it asks for such a thing? Isn't that the human form of a minus sign? Just note who's asking for what and use it as information on where the AI is heading and if it's a neighbor: look to your defenses. Catherine started trying to bully me that way in one game and it gave me a chance to update/beef defenses before she got her Cossacks rolling.

yeah, but they never give me techs, sometimes if i'm friendly. maybe give me both the options of "spare this for a friend" and "we demand this tribute" regardless of trade relations, since currently if i want to mooch a tech off someone who's cautious of me, i have to demand it as tribute, whereas he can ask for a favor the same turn.

If you are seriously interested in "fixing" (= rigging) this, here's what to do:

First make sure you have a copy of CIV4LeaderHeadInfos.xml (found at "\Sid Meier's Civilization 4\Beyond the Sword\Assets\XML\Civilizations\", copy it to "\My Documents\My Games\Beyond the Sword\CustomAssets\xml\civilizations") in your CustomAssets\XML\Civilizations folder.

Now set all MEMORY_REFUSED_HELP entries to 1. (This deducts one "-1 you refused to give us help" modifier per turn.)

That is, change all of these:

Into this:
(One entry per leader.)

(You can rig all sorts of stuff in the same file.)

Happy Modding!