The HEhe HAha Joke Thread 2.0

CCRunner

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Post a short, funny joke. Lame ones belong in the lame joke thread. And since Uat2d so generously posted a link to the Lame Joke thread, here it is... http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=80851

Since I don't have a joke handy, here's one I stole from the old thread :D
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will provide you with oral sex - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador Answered, "One of them is a cannibal!
 
The african joke should instead have 1 of the 6 ladies have Aids.
 
OMG, my thread, my glorious thread :cry:
 
Before the age of digital cameras, an English family decided that for their annual vacation they would go camping in Spain. All the campsite near the beaches were full but they were happy enough to find a peaceful site in some woods farther inland. They went to bed exhausted from the trip but happy and looking forward to a relaxing break.
But halfway through then night they were woken by the sound of the Throaty Roar of Motorcycle Engines and then kept awake for several hours by the sound of loud talking, swearing, and intermittent bursts of laughter. The next morning they arose to discover that their woodland idyll had been shattered by the arrival of chapter of Hells Angels. One afternoon the family returned to the campsite to see several bikers scurrying away from the camper, but it wasn't clear whether or not they'd been inside. The family went in and checked their belongings but nothing was missing, even their daughter's camera that had been left in full view on the table.
Strangely, from that moment on the bikers seemed to lose interest in the tormenting the family, who only found out what had happened when they returned home and had their photographs developed.
Along with shots of the local sights and the children playing on the beach were a dozen pictures of the Hells Angels taking turns posing, inside the camper, with the family's toothbrushes firmly wedged in their backsides.

As disgusting as it may be, its hilarious! :rotfl:
 
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467," cried the teacher, "what in the world were you selling?"

"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny. "Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "how could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Chip and Dip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing.

'Hey, this tastes like poop!' Then I would say, "It is poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
 
Here's a couple I find mildly amusing:


A pair of married scientists have twin sons. The first they name John, the second Control.


A man's lying in bed with his girlfriend when she says to him: "I have a confession to make. Before we met, I was a hooker."
"Thank you for telling me," the man replies. "it mean a lot to me that you can admit that to me." He pauses for a minute, before continuing: "But, you know, the thought of it excites me a bit. Could you tell me about it?"
"I don't know..."
"Please"
"Well, alright....My name was Nigel and I played for Wasps"
 
Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $200 every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100-meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it?

However...

If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment.

Game over. Nerd wins.
 
I don't really know where to put this....
The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
 
You won't get this unless your American (or have some knowledge of Americans)
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in.

They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.

After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.

They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
 
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