Chapter 15: It Was All Luck
The period of the next few decades is known to all as a period when the Random Number Gods likely got bored and decided to torment mortals for the lulz for a while. Or something like that. That is, at least the best explanation leading scientists in Luckology have given for the events to unfold. Others think there wasn't that much of a difference in luck, just some people's perception of it, and the Random Number Gods always acted like that.
In war news, in 82 AD, Carthage and Persia sent Heavy Cavalry at each other near Antioch and Carrhae. Both lost 2 units of them. Farther north, Persians attacked Macedonian Hoplites with Heavy Cavalry, the result being 1 dead Cavalry unit and 1 dead Hoplite unit.
Scythia's list of "reasons why Scythia is screwed" gained another thing on the list, when Carthage got the Goths to declare war on them. Again. This was shortly followed by the somewhat hilarious declaration of war by the Goths against Carthage, with the Romans being the ones that allied the Goths against them.
The Persian Cavalry were starting to look like they could threaten Sidon and maybe Ancyra now, as well as some workers. Macedon would have none of that, and so Ajax went North, and killed one unit of them before running out of steam. Then Hoplites and Catapults attempted to kill the other one... and it retreated, conveniently leaving a bunch of Fire Catapults stranded with no way to defend them. Nice.
Pyrrhus had no better luck retaking Zela, as his army was barely able to defeat a single Spearmen defending the city. Sigh...
87 AD continued the trend of "What more could go wrong?", when Persia signed two military alliances with Rome, against the only other two nations the Romans weren't at war with- the Macedonians and the Goths.
At the very least, Alex assumes that was a Persian alliance, as the Romans had no reason to declare war on the Goths on their own, and nobody else could have signed the alliance when everyone but Persia was at war with Rome.
On one hand, Alex finds it kind of funny that, yet again, someone was convinced to declare war on someone else they'd just signed an alliance with, but he's still mad that Rome is now at war with them again. But hey, at least that's less money the Persians can spend rushing billions of Heavy Cavalry, and it's not like the Romans seem to care enough to fight Macedon anyway.
In worse news, bad losses were suffered. And not just the catapults that were expected. Well, those were lost, too. But more importantly, a little earlier, Heavy Cavalry had poured into Sidon, killing the two units of Hoplites defending the now-Persian-again city.
To make matters worse, near Antioch, undefended now that Ajax had left it, Persian Heavy Cavalry and Immortals killed Carthaginian Heavy Cavalry and Numidian Mercenaries that were between them and the city. With the roads around Sidon in Persian hands again, Ajax couldn't get back there in time to save Antioch. It would, again, be Persian, unless they could retake Sidon quickly.
To add icing to the "This Sucks" cake, Persia burned two Scythian cities, Karakol and Smela. Karakol was the capital, forcing the government within to go find a new place to live. They chose Kul Oba, in Crimea.
In less bad news, Rome captured La Tene, the most cultured city the Celts had left, as well as the oldest city they had left.
Luckily, the catapults hadn't moved much, just crossed the river. Actually, this was good, as they were, in 90 AD, right outside Sidon. It was an easy task for the Macedonian Heavy Cavalry to kill the Cavalry defending the catapults and take them back- and they could now be used to fire at Sidon.
Or, could have been, but all the catapults either missed or hit a magical barrier generated by Hadrian's Wall. Stupid Hadrian's Wall.
Ulysses and Ajax, thankfully, were more lucky, and managed to crush the defending Spearmen unit and two Heavy Cavalry units. But this, sadly, meant that Ajax didn't have time to get to Antioch. Ah well, it shouldn't be too hard to recapture.
Unlike Zela, where a Heavy Cavalry unit died barely able to hurt the defending Spearmen.
Antioch fell to the Cavalry in 92.
To make this worse, the Persian Galleys hanging around near Cyprus with nowhere to go now had somewhere to go, and retreated to Antioch. They'd undoubtedly send another freakin Heavy Cavalry there to die and annoy the defenders.
In 95, some bored advisors decided to figure out how they could make the already large Macedonian surplus bigger. They realized that, as the scientists weren't doing anything much anyway, they could just cut their funding down to "enough so that one scientist in the middle of nowhere does all the research in the country" with no longer time taken. They also noticed that large amounts of gold were being spent on alliances with the Carthaginians and Goths that expired a while ago, and didn't need to be spent unless the Goths or Carthaginians made peace with Persia.
97 saw the first battle of the Carthage-Goths war that the Macedonians were aware of, with War Elephants killing a Gothic Warrior and Archer unit near Marathon and Mycenae. The Goths must have been on their way East to fight Scythia, as, presumably, were the Carthaginians, initially. Speaking of which, the Goths captured Solokha, a Scythian city just to the North of their current capital. Alex had expected them to recapture Ubii first.
Farther Northwest, the Romans razed Vellaunodunum, the Easternmost city belonging to the Celts.
The Macedonian Army couldn't do anything interesting, as they were too busy healing.
In 102, the Carthaginians and Goths continued fighting, Carthage mostly winning but losing a war elephant. They had a stronger military, but a smaller military.
A Celtic dude showed up in Athens that year, with the following demand:
Alex stared at him and laughed. "Are you on drugs? I see no other plausible explanation for why you think the Celts are any threat to us in the slightest. You can't even get here with the Romans in the way."
The Celt replied, "Well, yes, I'm on drugs, but that has nothing to do with the demand!"
Not long after, Brennus received a message from several of the people in Alex's palace containing a request for whatever it was this guy was on, as it looked hilarious and awesome.
Shockingly predictable as ever, Persian Galleys headed towards Cyprus. OMFG I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!!
Also, Scythia and Rome signed a peace treaty. Like it mattered...
Finally, in 105, the Macedonian Army could attack again. At Zela, Ulysses' Army and a Cavalry killed a unit of Spearmen and Heavy Cavalry. Alex has come to expect the defenders of a city being either 3 units of Spearmen or 1 of Spearmen and 2 of Heavy Cavalry. To the south, Ajax killed a unit of Spearmen in Antioch.
107 was largely uneventful, the Goths and Carthaginians finished battling with Carthage losing their last War Elephant. Other than that, nothing... oh wait, yeah, Rome captured the Celtic capital, Bibracte. Forgot about that. Brennus moved north to Bratispantium, their northernmost mainland city. Alex thought they'd be smarter to just head to Britain, as they'd lose everything else to Rome soon enough anyway.
110 was a good year, which started off on the sour note of a Heavy Cavalry unit being killed by the Heavy Cavalry defending Zela. But after that, Pyrrhus' army mopped them up, as well as the Spearmen recently trained to defend the city.
To the South, Ajax and his army killed the two units of spearmen defending Antioch, captured some spearmen, and the city was again Macedonian.
Lastly, on top of the rubble which had long ago been the city of Corinth, the city of Halicarnassus was built.
In 112, something wholly unprecedented happened. It had never been done before, and would likely never be done again. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Persians unloaded on Cyprus... TWO units of Heavy Cavalry. OH NOEZ!!!!!!!11one111!!! They would surely be able to take Thermopylae now.
Meanwhile, the Goths finally recaptured Ubii, the city they'd long ago lost to Scythia, but, on the downside for them, they lost Langobardi, their Southernmost city not captured from Scythia. It was burned by Rome. Rome is sure doing well up North, beating both the Celts and Goths simultaneously, but, then again, those two are both weak, and Rome is strong.
Two Heavy Cavalry units and an Immortal unit were killed in various places by Macedonian Heavy Cavalry in 115, and one of the units of Cavalry on Cyprus was killed by the Hoplite defenders. As there was now only one left, and two of them, they made the decision to not attack, as that would leave only one injured one left if they lost. If they lost when the Persians attacked in 117, then they'd be injured and more time would be bought.
They never regretted a decision more in their life. Those Cavalry killed the Hoplites in Thermopylae. They suffered no injuries. They even got stronger. The following comment was reported to be spoken by the governor of Thermopylae: "FUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!"
Also, the Goths requested Macedonian help against Scythia, which the Macedonians declined for obvious reasons. They also signed a peace treaty with Persia.
In 120, with little that could be done in Cyprus, the Macedonian army just prayed to the Random Number Gods and got some Galleys ready to go take it back if that didn't work. The Workers on the island also joined the city to deny Persia them and to boost the defensive bonus.
Meanwhile, the army advanced on Borazjan, Melitene, and Carrhae. Ajax's Army killed a Spear unit in Carrhae, and Pyrrhus did likewise in Borazjan. Ulysses captured some workers, and Cavalry killed some Archers near Melitene.
Said Cavalry, were, of course, killed by Persian Cavalry in 122.
The defenders of Thermopylae were prepared. They got their spears, set up defenses, sacrificed goats to the Random Number Gods, and prepared their best "SPARTAAAA!!!" yells. But it was all in vain, as they could not defeat these Cavalry. After centuries of trying, the Persians finally captured Thermopylae on their last try.
Galleys prepare to make it Macedonian again.
In less interesting news, the Romans captured Decetia, a small city East of Bibracte which was, at the time, the Easternmost city the Celts still owned.
Macedon was in full on vengeance mode in 125 due to the lack of Dyes that were on Cyprus. One of the Galleys that had given the Persians a ride there were sunk to the bottom of the Sea. Ajax's Army killed 2 units of Spearmen and a unit of Cavalry in Carrhae, incredulous that there were still more defenders. And Pyrrhus killed the remaining two units of Spearmen in Borazjan, making the city and a worker owned by Macedon.
Persia attempted to have similar success in their 127 attacks, but only managed to kill 2 Macedonian Heavy Cavalry around Melitene at the cost of one of their own.
The Romans asked Macedon for peace that year. They wanted some gold, but it wasn't much, and Alex decided to accept rather than have to pay more for peace later, which might well have happened.
Someone, either Persia or the Goths, burned a city belonging to Scythia to the North of Kul Oba that wasn't on Macedonian Maps. Alex thinks it was called Alania, but isn't sure.
On the morning of August 24, 129, the citizens of Messina, Carthage, on the island of Sicily, were awoken by the strange sound of loud rumbling and the sight of smoke. Mt. Etna, the volcano to the Southwest of the city, was erupting.
Shortly after, the city was reported destroyed by ash fall and pyroclastic flow. There was a bunch of rubble where it used to be.
The Macedonians saw great successes... wait, no, no they didn't, they still had crap luck... in the year 130. Ulysses' Army was able to kill 3 Spearmen defending Melitene. The army was badly injured, but... wait, there's still Cavalry defending the city? Are you kidding me?
And... Heavy Cavalry were killed by Heavy Cavalry defending Carrhae. Zeus Damn It. Eh, at least Ajax's army managed to kill them and the other Cavalry, taking the city and 3 workers. But only with large losses.
This was followed by Hoplites/Cavalry fighting Persian Cavalry, with both Persia and Macedon losing one Heavy Cavalry unit, near Antioch. GRRRR.
And then in the Black Sea, A Galley attacking a Persian Galley found themselves on the bottom of the sea doing no damage. Really?
The Persians luckily didn't attack in 132, but they did sign a Peace Treaty with Carthage. Hey, that's funny! Like we Macedonians would ever let that happen. Especially with the Carthaginians moving North for no particular reason after the treaty was signed.
Not long after this, the Romans made their first major gain against the Goths, capturing Lugidunum, one of their core cities.
It should come as no surprise that the Macedonians went to Carthage in 135 with some gold to remind Hannibal why he should fight a war against Persia.
A Hoplite/Cavalry unit duo again fought against Persian Cavalry. Same as 5 years ago, only this time, the Macedonians lost a Hoplite instead of a Heavy Cavalry.
Macedon also tried to take Melitene again. They had Pyrrhus' Army ready and able to fight. The Army fought hard against the Cavalry defending Melitene, and barely defeated them. AND THERE WERE STILL. MORE OF THEM. With all the armies near death and not much around to attack, it looks like Macedon will be unable to advance again. Sigh. Alex is not happy, feeling like they're not advancing fast enough, and losing cities to counter-attacks all the time is just making it worse. He thinks that they will run out of time eventually. Nobody really knows what he means by that, though, cause what's going to happen, will the world end or something if they don't fight quickly enough? Yeah, right.
The period of the next few decades is known to all as a period when the Random Number Gods likely got bored and decided to torment mortals for the lulz for a while. Or something like that. That is, at least the best explanation leading scientists in Luckology have given for the events to unfold. Others think there wasn't that much of a difference in luck, just some people's perception of it, and the Random Number Gods always acted like that.
In war news, in 82 AD, Carthage and Persia sent Heavy Cavalry at each other near Antioch and Carrhae. Both lost 2 units of them. Farther north, Persians attacked Macedonian Hoplites with Heavy Cavalry, the result being 1 dead Cavalry unit and 1 dead Hoplite unit.
Scythia's list of "reasons why Scythia is screwed" gained another thing on the list, when Carthage got the Goths to declare war on them. Again. This was shortly followed by the somewhat hilarious declaration of war by the Goths against Carthage, with the Romans being the ones that allied the Goths against them.
The Persian Cavalry were starting to look like they could threaten Sidon and maybe Ancyra now, as well as some workers. Macedon would have none of that, and so Ajax went North, and killed one unit of them before running out of steam. Then Hoplites and Catapults attempted to kill the other one... and it retreated, conveniently leaving a bunch of Fire Catapults stranded with no way to defend them. Nice.
Pyrrhus had no better luck retaking Zela, as his army was barely able to defeat a single Spearmen defending the city. Sigh...
87 AD continued the trend of "What more could go wrong?", when Persia signed two military alliances with Rome, against the only other two nations the Romans weren't at war with- the Macedonians and the Goths.
At the very least, Alex assumes that was a Persian alliance, as the Romans had no reason to declare war on the Goths on their own, and nobody else could have signed the alliance when everyone but Persia was at war with Rome.
On one hand, Alex finds it kind of funny that, yet again, someone was convinced to declare war on someone else they'd just signed an alliance with, but he's still mad that Rome is now at war with them again. But hey, at least that's less money the Persians can spend rushing billions of Heavy Cavalry, and it's not like the Romans seem to care enough to fight Macedon anyway.
In worse news, bad losses were suffered. And not just the catapults that were expected. Well, those were lost, too. But more importantly, a little earlier, Heavy Cavalry had poured into Sidon, killing the two units of Hoplites defending the now-Persian-again city.
To make matters worse, near Antioch, undefended now that Ajax had left it, Persian Heavy Cavalry and Immortals killed Carthaginian Heavy Cavalry and Numidian Mercenaries that were between them and the city. With the roads around Sidon in Persian hands again, Ajax couldn't get back there in time to save Antioch. It would, again, be Persian, unless they could retake Sidon quickly.
To add icing to the "This Sucks" cake, Persia burned two Scythian cities, Karakol and Smela. Karakol was the capital, forcing the government within to go find a new place to live. They chose Kul Oba, in Crimea.
In less bad news, Rome captured La Tene, the most cultured city the Celts had left, as well as the oldest city they had left.
Luckily, the catapults hadn't moved much, just crossed the river. Actually, this was good, as they were, in 90 AD, right outside Sidon. It was an easy task for the Macedonian Heavy Cavalry to kill the Cavalry defending the catapults and take them back- and they could now be used to fire at Sidon.
Or, could have been, but all the catapults either missed or hit a magical barrier generated by Hadrian's Wall. Stupid Hadrian's Wall.
Ulysses and Ajax, thankfully, were more lucky, and managed to crush the defending Spearmen unit and two Heavy Cavalry units. But this, sadly, meant that Ajax didn't have time to get to Antioch. Ah well, it shouldn't be too hard to recapture.
Unlike Zela, where a Heavy Cavalry unit died barely able to hurt the defending Spearmen.
Antioch fell to the Cavalry in 92.
To make this worse, the Persian Galleys hanging around near Cyprus with nowhere to go now had somewhere to go, and retreated to Antioch. They'd undoubtedly send another freakin Heavy Cavalry there to die and annoy the defenders.
In 95, some bored advisors decided to figure out how they could make the already large Macedonian surplus bigger. They realized that, as the scientists weren't doing anything much anyway, they could just cut their funding down to "enough so that one scientist in the middle of nowhere does all the research in the country" with no longer time taken. They also noticed that large amounts of gold were being spent on alliances with the Carthaginians and Goths that expired a while ago, and didn't need to be spent unless the Goths or Carthaginians made peace with Persia.
97 saw the first battle of the Carthage-Goths war that the Macedonians were aware of, with War Elephants killing a Gothic Warrior and Archer unit near Marathon and Mycenae. The Goths must have been on their way East to fight Scythia, as, presumably, were the Carthaginians, initially. Speaking of which, the Goths captured Solokha, a Scythian city just to the North of their current capital. Alex had expected them to recapture Ubii first.
Farther Northwest, the Romans razed Vellaunodunum, the Easternmost city belonging to the Celts.
The Macedonian Army couldn't do anything interesting, as they were too busy healing.
In 102, the Carthaginians and Goths continued fighting, Carthage mostly winning but losing a war elephant. They had a stronger military, but a smaller military.
A Celtic dude showed up in Athens that year, with the following demand:
Alex stared at him and laughed. "Are you on drugs? I see no other plausible explanation for why you think the Celts are any threat to us in the slightest. You can't even get here with the Romans in the way."
The Celt replied, "Well, yes, I'm on drugs, but that has nothing to do with the demand!"
Not long after, Brennus received a message from several of the people in Alex's palace containing a request for whatever it was this guy was on, as it looked hilarious and awesome.
Shockingly predictable as ever, Persian Galleys headed towards Cyprus. OMFG I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!!
Also, Scythia and Rome signed a peace treaty. Like it mattered...
Finally, in 105, the Macedonian Army could attack again. At Zela, Ulysses' Army and a Cavalry killed a unit of Spearmen and Heavy Cavalry. Alex has come to expect the defenders of a city being either 3 units of Spearmen or 1 of Spearmen and 2 of Heavy Cavalry. To the south, Ajax killed a unit of Spearmen in Antioch.
107 was largely uneventful, the Goths and Carthaginians finished battling with Carthage losing their last War Elephant. Other than that, nothing... oh wait, yeah, Rome captured the Celtic capital, Bibracte. Forgot about that. Brennus moved north to Bratispantium, their northernmost mainland city. Alex thought they'd be smarter to just head to Britain, as they'd lose everything else to Rome soon enough anyway.
110 was a good year, which started off on the sour note of a Heavy Cavalry unit being killed by the Heavy Cavalry defending Zela. But after that, Pyrrhus' army mopped them up, as well as the Spearmen recently trained to defend the city.
To the South, Ajax and his army killed the two units of spearmen defending Antioch, captured some spearmen, and the city was again Macedonian.
Lastly, on top of the rubble which had long ago been the city of Corinth, the city of Halicarnassus was built.
In 112, something wholly unprecedented happened. It had never been done before, and would likely never be done again. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Persians unloaded on Cyprus... TWO units of Heavy Cavalry. OH NOEZ!!!!!!!11one111!!! They would surely be able to take Thermopylae now.
Meanwhile, the Goths finally recaptured Ubii, the city they'd long ago lost to Scythia, but, on the downside for them, they lost Langobardi, their Southernmost city not captured from Scythia. It was burned by Rome. Rome is sure doing well up North, beating both the Celts and Goths simultaneously, but, then again, those two are both weak, and Rome is strong.
Two Heavy Cavalry units and an Immortal unit were killed in various places by Macedonian Heavy Cavalry in 115, and one of the units of Cavalry on Cyprus was killed by the Hoplite defenders. As there was now only one left, and two of them, they made the decision to not attack, as that would leave only one injured one left if they lost. If they lost when the Persians attacked in 117, then they'd be injured and more time would be bought.
They never regretted a decision more in their life. Those Cavalry killed the Hoplites in Thermopylae. They suffered no injuries. They even got stronger. The following comment was reported to be spoken by the governor of Thermopylae: "FUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!"
Also, the Goths requested Macedonian help against Scythia, which the Macedonians declined for obvious reasons. They also signed a peace treaty with Persia.
In 120, with little that could be done in Cyprus, the Macedonian army just prayed to the Random Number Gods and got some Galleys ready to go take it back if that didn't work. The Workers on the island also joined the city to deny Persia them and to boost the defensive bonus.
Meanwhile, the army advanced on Borazjan, Melitene, and Carrhae. Ajax's Army killed a Spear unit in Carrhae, and Pyrrhus did likewise in Borazjan. Ulysses captured some workers, and Cavalry killed some Archers near Melitene.
Said Cavalry, were, of course, killed by Persian Cavalry in 122.
The defenders of Thermopylae were prepared. They got their spears, set up defenses, sacrificed goats to the Random Number Gods, and prepared their best "SPARTAAAA!!!" yells. But it was all in vain, as they could not defeat these Cavalry. After centuries of trying, the Persians finally captured Thermopylae on their last try.
Galleys prepare to make it Macedonian again.
In less interesting news, the Romans captured Decetia, a small city East of Bibracte which was, at the time, the Easternmost city the Celts still owned.
Macedon was in full on vengeance mode in 125 due to the lack of Dyes that were on Cyprus. One of the Galleys that had given the Persians a ride there were sunk to the bottom of the Sea. Ajax's Army killed 2 units of Spearmen and a unit of Cavalry in Carrhae, incredulous that there were still more defenders. And Pyrrhus killed the remaining two units of Spearmen in Borazjan, making the city and a worker owned by Macedon.
Persia attempted to have similar success in their 127 attacks, but only managed to kill 2 Macedonian Heavy Cavalry around Melitene at the cost of one of their own.
The Romans asked Macedon for peace that year. They wanted some gold, but it wasn't much, and Alex decided to accept rather than have to pay more for peace later, which might well have happened.
Someone, either Persia or the Goths, burned a city belonging to Scythia to the North of Kul Oba that wasn't on Macedonian Maps. Alex thinks it was called Alania, but isn't sure.
On the morning of August 24, 129, the citizens of Messina, Carthage, on the island of Sicily, were awoken by the strange sound of loud rumbling and the sight of smoke. Mt. Etna, the volcano to the Southwest of the city, was erupting.
Shortly after, the city was reported destroyed by ash fall and pyroclastic flow. There was a bunch of rubble where it used to be.
The Macedonians saw great successes... wait, no, no they didn't, they still had crap luck... in the year 130. Ulysses' Army was able to kill 3 Spearmen defending Melitene. The army was badly injured, but... wait, there's still Cavalry defending the city? Are you kidding me?
And... Heavy Cavalry were killed by Heavy Cavalry defending Carrhae. Zeus Damn It. Eh, at least Ajax's army managed to kill them and the other Cavalry, taking the city and 3 workers. But only with large losses.
This was followed by Hoplites/Cavalry fighting Persian Cavalry, with both Persia and Macedon losing one Heavy Cavalry unit, near Antioch. GRRRR.
And then in the Black Sea, A Galley attacking a Persian Galley found themselves on the bottom of the sea doing no damage. Really?
The Persians luckily didn't attack in 132, but they did sign a Peace Treaty with Carthage. Hey, that's funny! Like we Macedonians would ever let that happen. Especially with the Carthaginians moving North for no particular reason after the treaty was signed.
Not long after this, the Romans made their first major gain against the Goths, capturing Lugidunum, one of their core cities.
It should come as no surprise that the Macedonians went to Carthage in 135 with some gold to remind Hannibal why he should fight a war against Persia.
A Hoplite/Cavalry unit duo again fought against Persian Cavalry. Same as 5 years ago, only this time, the Macedonians lost a Hoplite instead of a Heavy Cavalry.
Macedon also tried to take Melitene again. They had Pyrrhus' Army ready and able to fight. The Army fought hard against the Cavalry defending Melitene, and barely defeated them. AND THERE WERE STILL. MORE OF THEM. With all the armies near death and not much around to attack, it looks like Macedon will be unable to advance again. Sigh. Alex is not happy, feeling like they're not advancing fast enough, and losing cities to counter-attacks all the time is just making it worse. He thinks that they will run out of time eventually. Nobody really knows what he means by that, though, cause what's going to happen, will the world end or something if they don't fight quickly enough? Yeah, right.
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Let's see.
