France, a rather tiny nation in comparison to its rather large neighbors. France was at war. With all of them. And it seemed unlikely that they would succeed. The following events could have played a large effect on their current status: a fiery-mannered leader, disease ridden lands, rude neighbors, and, of course, the ever-so-annoying Mary. On the other hand, things were about to bring about a French success.
*****
As the beggars would put it, the Shudduplees River had little to offer them except as a toilet and drinking water. Annoyed at the lot the world had given them, the poor flocked to the rivers on days where the nobility gathered. The nobles, as usual, were gambling on how far they could send loads of goat cheese using their so called water wheels. Sure enough, the beggars would raid these gatherings, looting the cheese as they landed, but careful to never assault one of the royalty.
What was even sadder was the fact that the nobles didn’t really care. However, they formed an agreement with the beggars that would keep them safe from harm. After marking where the cheese had landed and the nobles gave the signal, the poor would rush out, hobos and abandoned children all, and gather as much cheese as they could until the next volley.
Both groups were satisfied. One would successfully place their bets and have their trash ‘removed.’ The other side was well fed.
And it was on this type of day that Mary and the assassin arrived in Rheims. And with an unprecedented occurrence too.
The assassin started a conversation. “Mary, what- the heck- are they doing?”
Mary was shocked. Almost. “Did you just, er, never mind.” And for once, Mary was quiet.
“…” And thus, the oddness ended.
“Well, assassin. You know I’ve never thought of it before, but ‘assassin’ is a really bad name. Don’t you agree?”
The assassin’s left eyebrow quivered.
“You know what? I’ll call you John! Okay, John?
“… okay, Mary.”
“Great! So let’s see, um, what are they doing. They’re shooting cheese at high speeds using the waterwheels to launch them. And then they bet on how far they’re going to fly. You know, last time I was here they were throwing rocks around. Now it looks like a real pastime. It looks so fun! C’mon, assass- John.”
“Mary.” The assassin nodded. And Mary proceeded to drag him off into the crowd. With the beggars.
*****
Arrange a meeting with him? How ever would that be possible? As Queen Elizabeth, or Lizzie, as she decided to call her inner conscience pondered this conundrum, she enjoyed the soaking milk bath and the smoothening her skin received from it. One couldn’t help but resist her physical appeal, she believed. But that was besides the point. Instigating a meeting with him was a priority. General Delinquente would have to join her ranks. Before it was too late.
The archer group, unloading near Marseilles would help keep Joan busy.
*****
“Aha hahahaha!”
“What is it now, milady Joan?” General Delinquente’s voice was weary.
“That’s Queen Joan, aha hahahaha!”
“It’s not worth celebrating the new barracks in Paris that much, is it?”
“I’m sure it is, General. Aha hahahaha!”
“Err, well I suppose seeing you is cause for celebration enough,” General Delinquente muttered.
“Aha hahahaha!”
*****
“These files are all so interesting. It is really lucky that I can memorize things by looking at them once; for some reason, I feel as if I forget too many things these days. I suppose it would help if I asked Joan for some help.”
Archsage Esca sighed. Maybe he WAS getting to old for this. But he would not fail. Boring as it was, he would create a system for this sort of writing. And maybe, one day, all could enjoy it.
*****
“Fire!” This was getting really old, really fast. Catapults, it seemed just weren’t so effective now that the enemy was used to them. Louis suspected the enemy had already built types of their own. And being more modern, the enemy probably would be able to launch their stones higher and farther. Additionally, not only were they building their own, but they would devise tactics against it. Some were ridiculously simple, spreading into thin, randomly scattered groups. Others involved some sort of rotating group dance, where the troops would be in formation, but randomly decide to move a different direction, rather than approaching head on.
Basically, though, the enemy was becoming smarter and more skilled. Louis decided he’d need to build a new type of catapult. One that fired both accurately and quickly. And just for the fun of it, he would build one that fired bigger rocks. It was all for the defense of Orleans. The new home he had found for himself.
*****
“Heh, they probably don’t know
what they’re doing.” Napoleon was sending his troops into battle. There they would clash against the ridiculously unprepared attack forces that were somehow drawn to Tours. “The free tours here aren’t even worth it.”
Just a few hours later the enemy was vanquished. An entire Russian horsemen crew was eliminated.
*****
“Guy, stop taking me on free tours. Now.”
“Sorry, buddy, but you know that those girls that take us on these are really nice.” When Andre didn’t respond, Guy continued, “You know, in
that way.”
“I knew what you meant. That’s what you always mean. So stop that, okay?” It really wasn’t a command.
“Well, if you want me to….” Guy ended dejectedly.
“Sorry, for snapping at you, Guy. It’s just that. I kind of miss the battlefield. Being cooped up here in Tours is just not my kind of life. I stop and wonder sometimes, how something as simple as this could ever be our lives. After what we’ve seen, after how many we’ve killed. War changes how we view things.”
Guy sniggered.
Enraged, Andre grabbed him and yelled, “WHAT?!”
Guy muffled a laugh and whispered something.
“I am NOT being girly!”
*****
“That was nice.”
“Yeah, I really liked the cheese. But you didn’t have to threaten to kill everyone if they took the cheese away from me. It had fallen on the ground anyway, you know. And even so, you had dropped your sword back in Paris”
“Oh …, right.”
“Okay, well that’s about it, let’s go back to Paris.”
“But-“
“No time! Let’s go!”
Again they were off. Their love was just like they’re adventures. It was full of spirit. Well, it was a bit one-sided.
*****
Isabella shrieked at the man. What was the point of having a general if he is so incompetent, that even a donkey could do a better job. “Aagh!” This was not how it was supposed to be. The Anglo-Spanish alliance couldn’t just fail like that. They were supposed to surround and crush the French menace. Why couldn’t that man do anything right? Why was Elizabeth so reluctant to help? Why wasn’t that Joan dead yet? “Aagh!” She shrieked again.
Then she realized. What if everyone else joined the pact? What if everyone wanted a piece of Joan? Suddenly smiling, Isabella converted her latest shriek to a laugh.
*****
“She what?!”
“Yes, Archsage, the messenger said. Queen Joan has cut your funding.”
“But she can’t! Well, I guess she can, but still!”
“Archsage, what are you doing?”
“I’m going to kill you.”
“What?! Why?”
“I have to take my anger out on something. You’ll do just fine.” And with that he started chanting, strange mystical words.
“No! I’m just a messenger. Please don’t kill me!”
Archsage Esca continued chanting. Then he stopped. “Gotcha.”
The messenger fainted. Whether with relief or shock was not to be known. Archsage Esca stepped over his body and strode off in search of Joan, who ought to have been in the throne room. But was not.
*****
Joan was not here for a tour. But everyone had taken one, so why not…. At any rate, she was there to inform the governor of a most important project that Tours was to take part in. A certain spy was present at the meeting and recorded the following.
5th day of the third month of the summer season; 6:14 PM, in Tours.
Queen Joan and the governor of Tours have a meeting.
After introductory greetings, none of which seemed to cryptic, Queen Joan informed the governor of a plan.
The plan: The people of Tours, with their vast food surpluses would encourage having. (The previous word was crossed out.) large families. The benefits included exemption from the military for the parents.as well as exemption from the worker force.
Joan stated later that with overcrowding would come motivated individuals who would want to expand the glory of France.
The governor did not seem too pleased with the idea of telling his citizens to forni- (again another cross out) have large families.
The notes ended. It was rather difficult to right like this. And it was hard to hear the conversation while scratching wood in a closet. The spy stealthily left the governor’s offices and went to report to the allied nations meeting. Her name was Kim.
But she was not cautious enough. Within minutes of leaving, Kim was stuck on a ridiculous tour.
*****
“Kim. What has Queen Joan been up to? I also understand that you took a tour of one of their towns?”
“That is correct, Lady Isabella.” After bowing, Kim continued. “Joan seems to be not entirely committed on this war. Sure enough, she is planning to expand her empire, confident that she has safely defended it. The town, Tours, will not be producing military units for some time. Instead, it will be weakened, continuously sending out settler bands according to what I have gathered.”
“Does this plan involve interco- er, having large families?”
“Yes. And when it gets too crowded-“
“They will leave. I see. Thank you, Kim. You can join, Jim and Tim back home.”
Kim left. Isabella turned to the larger audience around her.
“You’ve all been gathered here as we all have something in common. We all want a piece of Joan. I really see no need to be so formal, as we’re all together in this. Let’s take roll. Isabella?”
The other leaders paused. Then they started to sweat.
“… Oh! That’s me. Uh, Elizabeth?”
“I am here.”
“Good. Cleopatra?”
“The imperial queen is present.”
“I am sure. Cathy?”
“Catherine.”
“I’m Isabella.”
“…”
“Well, then, Pachacuti?”
“When you said, we wanted a piece of Joan, you did mean that literally, didn’t you?”
“I’m not quite sure what you mean….”
“Whatever, I’m here and am
ready for action.”
“Indeed.” Isabella paused. “But then, who are you two?”
Two mysterious, silhouetted figures stared at the group. Then ran off.
Isabella wondered aloud, “Huh?”
Cleopatra responded, “I’m sure they’ll be joining us soon enough. That joker Montezuma and kooky Theodora will not be hard to convince. Assuming that is, if we can convince them to join us.”
Catherine continued her thought, “But then again, Joan seems to be quite rude when you think about it.”
“Yes, there will be no trouble with them declaring war on Joan, or vice-versa.”
“Indeed.” Catherine smiled at Cleopatra. The smile was returned.
Isabella interrupted the two. “Well, now that we’ve all agreed. Let’s think of a name.”
Everyone fell silent for a while, thinking. Then Elizabeth spoke up, “How about Antagonistic Nemeses That Ignite Frenchees Right, Every Night, Cooking Heatedly?”
Pachacuit gulped, “You’re not gonna cook, Joan, are you? I kind of wanted her myself.”
Everyone but Pachacuti gasped. “You’ve never eaten a French before?” they exclaimed in unison. “Blasphemy! We want to be called ANTIFRENCH, OKAY?!”
Pachacuti whimpered. “’kay.”
Isabella sighed. “Now that that’s done. We all agree to help each other out, right?”
“Right.”
“Then in the name of the ANTIFRENCH, let’s move out!”
“Yeah!”
*****
(Time for pictures)
West:
South:
Northeast:
(I’m doing quite alright. And Zeus in 2 turns.)
*****
Now rather ‘jobless’ Archsage Esca ventured back to Lyons after being notified of Queen Joan’s extended trip to Tours. Archsage Esca didn’t seem in the mood for a Tour, so instead, he went to the revealing party in Lyons. There were rumors of the size and grandeur of the great statue. Some said it would be more magnificent than that odd naked bronze statue of Isabella’. Others said it could inspire some people to even join a certain group.
Of course, once the workers had assembled the individual pieces, someone had to put them together in secret. And this person was NOT in the mood for talking to others.
A grumpy Louis stepped into the crowd and was heralded by cheers and shouts. Of all the lousy- What was wrong with Queen Joan? What could be so important about a dumb old statue that he would be required to leave his post with the other catapults. Sure he was an engineer, but that didn’t mean he could build EVERYTHING. Geez.
Louis stepped up to the platform in front of the covered statue. Grabbing hold of the light material, he jumped off the platform onto an elephant’s back. The elephant stepped forward a few times. And slowly, the sheet uncovered the statue. It was of an overly large ivory man with elephants running around all over him. It was eerie. But everyone was amazed.
Joan’s gambit would succeed.
*****
Kim’s log:
Tim is such a butthole. He forced Jim to go into my room and chew up all my panties. Jim’s just an innocent child. And me? I’m just a victim.
General Delinquente has made a point of visiting both Orleans and Tours. In Orleans he gave a nonsensical speech about being confident in the Orleans Defenders. In Tours, he told the 2 commanders, Andre and Guy (pronounced Ghee for some strange reason) to remain in Tours until reinforcements arrived from Paris.
Reviewing her notes carefully, Kim sighed as she followed the man. She was stuck on another tour. The only good thing to say about this? So had General Delinquente.
*****
In the end, ANTIFRENCH had made no headway, and the so-called Frenchees were returning home.
Mary and the assassin were traipsing through the mountains. This time they crossed the Alps on solidified magma, something that brought relief to ‘John.’
Joan and General Delinquente were sharing a throne ride back to the palace. General Delinquente claimed later that he had never blushed more.
Engineer Louis was also on his way back from Lyons. The statue was a success, and it had tired him out so much to answer everyone’s questions. It would be worth just seeing Orleans again.
Andre and Guy were also going home. They were going back to the battlefield to join Napoleon. First they would clear off the remaining attackers near Tours. (Were they tired of tours! Even Guy couldn’t stand seeing tour ladies any more.
Archsage Esca was going back to Paris hiring a nice mercenary elephant named Georges. He doubted Joan would approve. But when you’re bored, you’ve got to have something to do. In his case, it was taking care of elephants.
Even the Parisian Defenders were glad as they were given the go ahead to leave Marseilles and return home. The joys of reunion with their spouses and families would surely overcome the grief and worry of their safety in years previous.
France had prevailed. But would ANTIFRENCH?
*****
More pics (cause you’re all so nice)
West: (Napoleon and Andre and Guy)
North: (Parisian Defenders, Archsage Esca, and Louis)
South and East: (Joan and General Delinquente and Mary and John)
*****
(Author’s Note: With the Orle-Pari-Lyo triangle of triple expanded culture, I think I’m quite safe from flips (most culture of all, yeah!). So my only worries are being outexpanded (I can kill AI no problem.) and losing my army. Now that I actually have 8 towns I can have 2 armies. But no luck, I got no leaders. Yet I got a lot of elites. At any rate, my military is looking quite decent with Lyons and Orleans churning out troops and Paris making a wonder going to switch to GLib as soon as it is about ready, delaying Literature completion. (poor Archsage Esca) 2 towns are on ‘pult duty. My northern town is quite slow growing so I’m making a warrior then worker there. Tours will make settlers. And Rheims will probably make that sword, then spear defenders. Our military is strong compared to everyone. Current Military: 1 settler, 8 workers, 5 slaves, 4 archers, 15 spearmen, 6 swordsmen, 1 L33T sword army, 3 catapults. And thanks for your support! Next chapter: Everyone meets! Obviously, a lot of the characters meet and discuss how to best topple ANTIFRENCH, maybe recruiting a certain somebody.)
