The Fiery French

Hm..you mean we guide the character's dialogue and other stuff that doesn't require us to play the game...right?

Not quite, you tell me what to focus on (that will help determine dialogue and stuff) and then I play the game accordingly.

You could tell me to build cities CXXXC or something, to focus on a certain type of unit or building. To research certain technologies. To trade for luxuries rather than money or techs. To form alliances in war as the next trade. To spend more on research or to save up money. To switch governments. (Actually, you are only allowed a few governments depending on the character you choose) That kind of thing.

However, you can't tell me exactly what will be built in a settlement (that will be randomized). If you don't tell me, I get to choose according to how I would play the game.

But enough offtopicness, just PM me for the real details.

Two people were journeying through the Alps. The couple were wrapped in cloaks and seemed to be carrying bunches of cheese.

“So, John.” The female companion looked to her fellow male traveler.

“Yes, Mary?”

“Woops!” Mary tripped on a loose rock.

John rushed forward to catch her, saving her from a rather nasty fall.

Blushing, Mary looked up to John and whispered, “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

“Well, John? Remember when we first met? You sort of scared me. And you had a different voice?”

“I don’t-“

“You said something about a message for me from the workers? Do you remember that?”

“Oh.”

“Yes? What was going on? You’re acting completely differently from what I saw that day.” Mary nodded. “It was scary.”

“That was Joan.”

“What?” Mary squeaked.

“Joan told me to stand there with an odd expression on my face. She was around the corner and used the ‘scary’ voice.”

“Oh.” Mary’s eyes widened. “That makes sense….”

“Sorry,” John said. “Are you mad?”

“I’m not mad! I’m glad I have an excuse,” Mary muttered. Raising her voice, she caught the assassin by the arm and said, “We’re gonna throw a party for Joan!”

“A party?” The assassin asked.

“Yeah! A party! Joan hates happiness! A party would be wonderful!”

“Okay….” The assassin wondered how this would turn out. It didn’t likely to have a nice ending.

*****

Joan sneezed. Spit and mucus flew all over the portable throne. Most of it landed on General Delinquente.

“Ugh,” he said in disgust.

“Sorry, General. I couldn’t help myself.”

“I’m glad to have been of assistance.”

“That being said, I sense a cruel irony will occur in Paris.”

“Archsage Esca would be proud of your powers to predict.”

*****

“I say, something exciting is BOUND to happen in Paris.” Archsage Esca looked excited. The Parisian Defenders didn’t quite like the idea of a raving madman on an elephant casting random ‘happiness’ spells on them.

“Oh Georges, you don’t have to be so down. I’m sure you do miss your family, but I think they’ll be quite fine without you. They’re probably more worried about you. And remember what you were saying? You said that they were being mean to you and stuff and hated them so much. Don’t lie now. I heard what you said. And you’re not alone now. You’ve got me! What do you mean ‘that’s just great’? I’m good company! Humph.”

The elephant continued to ride on in silence. Its massive size was really quite intimidating to the spearmen. However, it really worried them more that the Archsage could communicate with the beast on such great terms. And without the elephant even making any noise!

*****

Kim’s log:

A lot of the French officials seem to be leaving Rheims, Tours, and Lyons and will be congregating in Paris. Very recently, Engineer Louis was contacted by a messenger. After being told the message, he looked very grumpy. I can only assume he was informed that he was to go to Paris, not Orleans.

The known party in Paris will consist of:
Queen Joan
General Delinquente
Mistress Mary (the fine, beautiful, silk bug queen of the elephants)
Assassin (who has been named John by Mistress Mary the fine, beautiful, silk bug queen of the elephants)
Engineer Louis
Archsage Esca

The Parisian Defenders will also be coming home to Paris and are in charge of defending the town while the meeting takes place. It is also rumored by many that General Napoleon and certain other talented individuals will make an appearance. Also, it is unknown who has gathered these individuals together as it seems Queen Joan is still oblivious to the meeting’s existence.

This being said, or rather, written down, I had better be leaving Tours.

Kim was not at all surprised to see a villager staring at her as soon as she looked up from her notes. The villager motioned for her to join him on a tour. And without resisting, Kim gave way. Well, she couldn’t blow her cover as a passing tourist, now could she?

*****

“Tim, would you please stop telling Jim to bite by dress?! It’s most unprofessional as a spy.”

“Sorry, Lady Isabella. Jim.”

A toddler opened its mouth wide and fell to the floor. There, it started gurgling and laughing.

“Now then, Tim, take Jim and leave.”

“Of course, my lady.”

“And no listening at the doors.”

“Of course, my lady.” Tim smiled.

“Stop trying to be smart with me!” Isabella shrieked.

“Of course, my lady.” Tim smirked.

“Aagh! Well, just leave the door open then.”

“Of course, my lady.” Tim picked up Jim and left, skipping and humming a tune.

“Stupid spies, so … happy all the time. And I think Tim’s been going through my panties too….”

“What was that, Lady Isabella?” said Pachacuti, appearing in the doorway.

“Oh never, mind. Is anyone else with you?”

“Everyone’s with me!” Pachacuti stepped aside revealing Elizabeth. Elizabeth stepped aside to reveal Cleopatra who also stepped aside to reveal Catherine. Then Catherine stepped aside, and a long dark, shadow remained where she stood. Which then split into two. And ran off.

“… okay, then,” said Isabella tentatively.

“This is the second meeting of the ANTIFRENCH.”

“As we all know, by now, I’m sure,” said Catherine amicably.

“Yes, now I’d like to have everyone state their goal in this movement. Pachacuti?”

“I want Joan!”

“As we all do.”

“I mean I want Joan.”

“I desire to eat her as well.”

“Never mind….”

“Right. Elizabeth?”

“I want Joan’s general.”

“Of course. Cleopatra?”

“I want revenge.”

“Mm hmm. Catherine?”

“I want an apology. She called me fat!”

“I think you’re fat too. Want an apology?”

“…”

Isabella chuckled. “Now then, what do I want out of this? I want to be the most beautiful in the world! Not that I’m not already. Of course, I’d like everyone in the world to BELIEVE that I am. And as Joan doesn’t, she’s got to be convinced otherwise or suffer the consequences. Aha hahahaha!”

Cleopatra cleared her throat. “Now, Isabella, I believe that someone else owns that laugh already.”

“Oh. Alright. How about ‘heh heh heh’?”

Pachacuti spoke up. “That one’s mine.”

“But-“

“I called it. It’s mine.”

“Awww. How about ‘hee-haw hee-haw’?” said Isabella making an ugly pig noise.

“I already own that one,” Catherine said.

“Uhhhh…. Whatever. I don’t need a laugh. I’m too pretty.”

“Hey! I’m pretty, and I have a laugh!” Elizabeth said. “It’s MUAHAHAHAHA!”

Cleopatra sighed. “Why are we discussing laughs? We first need to elect a leader. Isabella’s been a good temporary one. But we really need a vote to make this very official.”

“I vote for me.” “So do I.” “Me too.” “Ditto.”

Cleopatra’s face turned a shade annoyed. “I believe that this could take a while. I vote for myself.”

*****

Louis looked slightly miffed. “Stupid people and their stupid power and their stupid get-me-back-to-Paris-ness! AARGH!” Louis’s catapults had missed again. Fuming, he turned toward the messenger, hit him over the head, and went on his way.

*****

“We’re back!” The voice in the distance was heard to say.

“Oh, no,” thought Joan.

“What is it, my queen?”

“… No, it’s nothing.”

General Delinquente smiled mischievously.

“What?”

General Delinquente was about to pounce onto Joan, when one of the carriers yelled out: “We have arrived, my queen!” The General leapt, but it was too late. The carriers lowered the throne down, and General Delinquente flew over Joan. And landed onto the ground, rather hard.

“General, I didn’t know you liked Paris so much,” said Joan slightly amused.

“Neyak Pahrik,” spat the General as he tried to rid himself of the dirt and clay in his mouth.

“Of course not. Aha hahahaha!” Joan ran off towards the palace.

Staggering up, General Delinquente brushed aside the carriers who were now offering him silk towels and pursued Joan.

*****

“Teeheehee!”

“Mary, we’re supposed to be setting up for the party.”

“Teeheehee. Silly, John!” Mary was sitting in the corner with a silk bug pie. She stuck her thumb in it and pulled out a piece of ivory. “What a good girl am I!”

“…”

“Don’t be ridiculous. It says here, in order to have a good party, we have to have some sort of games.”

“Where?”

“In this book here, that just happened to be conveniently lying around in a time without any books.”

“Oh.”

“It says here that the following words will be able to create a large fire.”

Archsage Esca burst into the room shouting, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Georges picked Mary up, book and pie all. Seizing his tome back, Archsage Esca said sternly, “This is no toy, my dear. Would you like a spot of tea?” Georges trumpeted in agreement.

Mary was stunned in silence. She dropped the pie on the floor. And started to scream.

*****

“I thought we were going to the battlefield, Andre.”

“So did I, Guy. But this settler group does need the extra protection.”

“I suppose. But still, it would be nice wouldn’t it?”

“Yeah….”

“I already miss Tours.” Guy’s voice was mournful.

Andre snorted. “You miss the girls.”

“I already miss the girls…. But then again, you’re already-”

Andre sighed. “Don’t start that up again.”

“I wasn’t.”

“Good.”

*****

“Please calm down, Mistress Mary.”

What could Mary do? She couldn’t stop screaming, so she fainted.

The rider seemed rather strange in dress. And he was also riding an elephant like Archsage Esca.

“Just who are you, and how do you know us? I want a response quickly before I can burn you to a crisp,” said Archsage Esca threateningly. Tension seemed to fill the air.

“Archsage,” said the man, bowing and dropping his lance. “I am Maximillian, a loyal French cavalryman.”

“Wrong answer. We have no horses for cavalry. Prepare to-“

“Archsage, please, it is merely a name; instead of horses, we ride elephants. My battalion has sworn by the Statue of Zeus that we will crush our foes beneath us. I mean you no harm. But I have been invited to Paris, for a certain meeting?”

“Odd, I have been invited here for a meeting as well. Assassin, did you and Mistress Mary also receive an invitation?”

John was quite unsure how to respond, seeing as Mary surely had sent out invitations but neither he nor Mary had not received one owing to the fact that they were planning a party in the first place. “Yes.”

“Hmm, this is most disturbing. Perhaps, someone has conspired to remove us from our Parisian triangle of towns?”

Someone lurking in the shadows, snickered to herself and crept off.

*****

“What the heck is going on here?! I leave for a month, and already, people are bringing pets home in my palace!”

Mary awoke to the sound of shrieking. John was leaning against a wall near her, head in between his legs. He was asleep. And it looked as though he had found his sword. Feeling a rush of happiness inside her grow, Mary jumped up and rushed over to the shrieking noises. The scene did merit some worry.

There was Joan screaming her head off at Archsage Esca and Georges. General Delinquente was off to a side, reading the tome that Archsage Esca had taken away from her. Archsage Esca was complaining about his lack of pay. Georges was eating the silk bug pie off the floor. And someone was lurking in the shadows.

Mary was about to point this out, when Maximillian stepped out of the shadows.

“Greetings, my queen,” he said bowing, “I am Maximillian of the French cavalrymen.”

“Just what I need, more pets!” She snapped. Then realizing what he had said, she stated “Nonsense, we have no cavalry.”

“I apologize, my queen, for the inappropriate name. Our mission is to bring glory to France as long as the Statue of Zeus remains.”

Joan’s face changed from harassed to delighted in an alarmingly quick second. “Wonderful! So it worked after all!”

“What worked, my queen?”

“Never you mind. Just go and fight. And General?”

“Yes, Queen Joan?”

“I think we need a new name for this project.”

“How about HECKS? Holy Elephant Cavalry Killing Soldiers?”

*****

“I really should be paid more for this.” Cackling, Napoleon commanded his troops to set fire to Canterbury. It was really a one-sided battle, he recalled. The spearmen never stood a chance, especially with many of the defenders rushing out to capture a few Russian slaves Napoleon had forgetten were following him. But he got had gotten them back now. And they were ready for shipment to France.

“Joan said I could rule the world with her once this was over. I could have as many slaves as I wanted and as many riches as I could imagine. And it’s so easy!” He watched as his men stormed through the town burning up homes and looting from the poor English villagers, killing those who displeased them and those who were old, unfit for work.

“Boy are the English gonna go splat.” He clapped his hands together in eagerness for more war.

*****

“My queen, I must go at once. There is word of an English settler band up north near Avignon and Marseilles. I will be sure to not to slay any who do not justly deserve it.”

“Oh just kill ‘em all.”

“Queen Joan, that was not a very courteous thing to say. They too are human beings and deserve respect.”

“I can see why cannons make you obsolete….”

“What?”

“Oh, nothing. I was just thinking to myself. Carry on, Sir Maximillian.”

*****

Kim’s log:

The group in Paris has started to arrive. Only Engineer Louis has not come yet, however.

So far, nothing unusual has occurred. Though I find it slightly odd that everyone here seems so mean spirited and argumentative, far more than what I expected. It is slightly odd that their style of rule functions so much better than our Spanish model.

Oh, wait, that’s Engineer Louis right now. I can tell because he’s stomping up the new steps to the castle, which everyone in Paris had rushed to build the day before. Woops! One of those steps was loose. Louis is really red faced now. And he appears to be saying obscenities quite loudly.

Someone is staring at me. I can tell. It’s that Mary girl. She’s so dull. Look, she’s right behind me now. She’s looking over my shoulder. She’s trying to read what I’m writing now. She’s an idiot. She’s so stupid. Go away, Mary. Nobody likes you. Except for that assassin. You’re weird. Go away, already!

“Ugh. What is it?” Kim turned to face Mary, who obviously couldn’t read Spanish.

“Um, let’s see. You’re Spanish, right? Me llamo Mary. Como se llama? Como esta usted? Por que esta aqui? Necesita ayuda con sus apuntes?”

“Oh dear, um…. In order, Kim, I’m fine, because I can be here, and no, I don’t need help. Go away now.”

“No comprendo lo que esta diciendo, Kim.”

“You don’t understand, I speak English.”

“Ay, Joan! Aqui, esta una mujer que quiere hablar contigo!”

“No, look, I don’t want to talk to Joan.”

“What is it Mary?” Joan walked over to the shadow.

“Ah, poop! Now look what you’ve done.” Kim tried to get away, but Joan caught her firmly.

“I’m tired of meeting new people today. But just who are you that can make Mary go insane? I need to hire someone like you.”

(I think I kind of have the context clues for the Spanish that Mary speaks, but in case you still can’t tell:
My name is Mary. What is your name? How are you? Why are you here? Do you need help with your notes?
I don’t understand what you’re saying Kim.
Oh, Joan! Here is a woman who wants to talk to you!”)

*****

“Excellent.” The messenger had reported to Queen Elizabeth of the situation of the settler’s landing. It was all good news that he had told her. He had the feeling that something had been left out though….

“Wonderful!” She exclaimed again. “Now that we have a foothold on the French, we can now safely land our troops using our ships in the town and crush the French colonies in the north. Darn them.” She recalled the two unsuccessful landings at Marseilles. “This time will be different.”

*****

“Well, this is different.” Isabella tried to stay calm. “No, this is too different. Why?”

“My lady?” The messenger said.

“No. Not why. How. How? How could she?!”

“Uh oh.”

“How did she get past all our troops and send a dinky battalion and raze SO EVIL?”

“I think it was called Seville, my-“

“Silence! Do you realize that this is the first time that any Spanish has been enslaved? Do you realize this is the first time we’ve lost a town? Do you realize that now we’re weaker than them?! Huh?!”

“We also lost our supply of horses.”

“Silence!” Isabella slapped the messenger, drawing blood all over his cheek. “I think I need some new nail polish,” she said resuming her complacent nature with only a hint of her previous outburst. “Blood will do. Human blood. Joan’s blood.”

“They also got Norwich.”

“Norwich? What’s Norwich to me?”

“Northern witches? The English hired them. Or rather, forced them to leave their homeland and settle in northern France. Didn’t I tell you this?”

Slap. “Yup, I definitely like blood nail polish.”

*****

“Did we get her? Heh heh heh. Let me see them.” Pachacuti had recently been notified of a few captured Frenchees. “Boy will ANTIFRENCH be pleased with me. I’ll get all the girls at this rate. Too bad I only want Joan.”

“No, sir. We didn’t get her.”

“Then who were they?”

“They were French indentured servants, sir.”

“Eh, kill them.”

“As you wish, my lord.”

(Darn it! Stupid redlined chasqui captured my worker.)

*****

“Chaaarge!” yelled Andre and Guy simultaneously. They zealously ran forth into the fray. Incan archers were their victims this time.

The battle was fierce. And the victims of war lay dead and dying, covering the battlefield with blood. But the deserts of Bescanon were not so pleasant for the French troops, who quickly tired out with the dryness and high heat in the air. Not surprisingly, the Incans took advantage of this, used to rugged terrain, and shot down many of the brave swordsmen plodding toward them. Eventually though, they were cut down.

“Well, that was fun, wasn’t it, Andre?” said Guy as they retreated towards Bescanon.

“Sure, was, partner.”

“You know what would make my life, complete?”

“What?” said Andre grinning.

“New weapons, new techniques….”

“Hey, now, you know what happened last time.”

“Yeah, I got good, and you got jealous.”

“That’s not true, I-“

The two friends walked off arguing and joking; surely they were blessed to have been friends in such rough times.

*****

Napoleon sent a letter to Joan:

My lovely queen Joan. After never seeing any proper women for so many months, I can hardly wait to return to Paris. Currently, I am marching with my soldiers towards London. After we beat ‘em up, we’re gonna go smash any nearby towns and loot ‘em. Then we’ll rest our forces and wait for reinforcements and finish the rest of bloody ole England. I’m even startin’ to talk like them.

General Napoleon Bonaparte.

*****

“So,” Joan said, “Just who are you?”

“Don’t tell them anything, and you’lll be fine,” thought Kim. She stared silently at Joan.

“What’s your name and who do you work for?” asked Joan imperiously.

“Como se llama y para quien trabaja?” piped up Mary. (She asks the same thing as Joan.)

“I’m Kim, and I work for Lady Isabella of the Spanish,” Kim replied quickly. Doh!

“So you’re loyal to the enemy, eh?”

“Yeah,” responded Kim. I’m an idiot!

“What’s your occupation?”

“She’s a spy, Joan!” interrupted Mary.

“Mary, be quiet.” Joan waited. “Well?” she asked impatiently.

Kim deliberated on her response before saying, “I’m a thief.”

“A thief?! So why are you here?”

“To steal,” said Kim evasively.

“Uh huh. Then explain your ‘Kim’s log’, your letters sending us here, I checked your handwriting, by the way, and of course, ANTIFRENCH.”

“She’s a spy Joan!” insisted Mary.

“Shut up, Mary. She’s not a spy.” Joan pushed Mary aside and turned to Kim.

“I’m a spy,” confessed Kim.

“Ooh, trying to be difficult, eh? Well we French have ways of dealing with you. Aha hahahaha! In the meantime, though, ponder the fact that spies don’t get caught.” Joan smiled sweetly.

“But I’m really a spy!” said Kim desperately.

“And really suck,” continued Joan simply.

Kim frowned. Lip quivering, she defiantly shouted, “I don’t suck!”

“You do.”

“No I don’t.”

“Yeah, you do,” nodded Joan.

“No.”

“Si, ella es una perdedora grande,” said Mary spreading her arms out wide. (Yeah, she is a biiiiig loser.)

“Quiet Mary. Well, if you don’t suck then prove it,” hissed Joan.

“Fine, I will!” yelled Kim. Looking around sneakily, she added, “But you gotta catch me first,” before jumping off into the distance.

“Oh, General…,” sang Joan.

“Yes, my Queen.” General Delinquente went off to alert the Parisian Defenders.

“Now where is that Engineer Louis?” wondered Joan.

*****

“Now, that we’ve got that settled,” said Isabella. “I think we should discuss how we’re going to rid ourselves of Bescanon.” Near Isabella, lay the other leaders of ANTIFRENCH. More specifically, she was sitting on top of them.

“Maybe we could rush them with troops and starve them?” suggested Pachacuti weakly.

“The town’s size 1, only has a few defenders and no walls. We already have about 6 troops there already.”

“We could do what we always do, send out our excess warriors and save 1 unit per civilization if the last defender is too strong,” said Elizabeth. “That’s served me very well in the past.”

“I agree,” said Catherine through a bleeding nose. “I believe that with our multinational force and the history of Elizabeth’s battles, we cannot fail.”

“Yes. They are correct. And I will also lead a diversionary force to Rheims,” said Cleopatra, having difficulty maintaining her dignity with her pharaohs hat off.

“And I and Pachacuti shall send a few pillagers to gather the attention of the French’s offensive units, at the expense of their border towns. If they don’t delay their assault on our troops, they’ll lose their iron supply,” pointed out Isabella. “Then that is all. Oh, and Tim, stop peeking under my dress.”

*****

Kim’s log;

I have just escaped the enemy stronghold. Mary, the idiot, caught me spying on their meeting, which incidentally, I planned to keep them out of their border towns. Many may think that was treasonous, but I assure myself that there were reasons. I may as well just blame Mary.

I am now rushing down their newly built steps. Uh oh. There’s a man being dragged out of a hole by the Parisian Defenders. He looks really angry. Oh! It’s Engineer Louis. Ha! What a loser. Oh dear. He’s coming right at me. He doesn’t see me. He’s punching at the air-

“You idiot!” screeched Kim. Her scroll and pen fell to the floor. Reaching down to gather them up, Kim noticed that Louis was still yelling his head off at his misfortunes. Unfortunately for her, the Parisian Defenders quickly surrounded her. Spears now pointing at her neck, Kim raised her arms in the air, still dutifully taking notes, as she was led back into the palace.

*****

“Darn it! They got away!” said Guy looking at the dust trail that led out into the distance.

“Yes, but they won’t be coming back anytime soon; that’s for sure,” said Andre looking at his bloody sword.

“We could cut them down now.”

“And we could get killed after leaving ourselves exposed.”

“But we could also destroy all their troops.”

“Yeah, and we could be promoted to generals.”

“Or we could die.”

“Oh, just shut up already. We’re taking out that archer group there. You know it’s a lot safer. And,” Andre added. “Reinforcements will arrive soon.”

*****

“Alright, you got me,” said Kim. “I’m now your loyal spy.”

“And that’s how it’s done Mary,” winked Joan.

“Uuh?” said Mary, quite shocked at the revelation.

Joan left cackling. “Aha hahahaha!”

“Hola, chiquita! Ahora, nosotras somos amigas,y podemos charlar y hablar sobre chicos y ir de compras y visitar Rheims y hacer mucho mas!” (Hi girl! Now, we are friends y we can hang out and talk about boys and go shopping and visit Rheims and do a lot more!)

“Mary, I can speak French, you know.”

“Ay, necesitas conocer a mi major amigo, Juan!” (Oh, you need to meet my best friend John!)

“Uh, whatever.” Kim stealthily disappeared into the shadows.

“Ah! Vamos a jugar a las escondidas? Que divertido! Voy a encontrarte, Kim!” (Ah! We’re going to play hide and seek? How fun! I’m going to find you, Kim!)

Nearby, the assassin was holding his head. “So loud….”

*****

“So,” Isabella demanded. “Progress Report?”

“Well, Isabella,” replied Elizabeth, “It appears General Napoleon is right next to London on the same side of the river as us. We thought he’d attack a few months back, but it turns out he didn’t. I don’t know why. Rivers aren’t that bad. You just cross and have a hard time retreating. That’s all really.”

“Yeah, seriously,” piped up Catherine. “If they attacked every turn, they could easily kill all our units. And then we’d be able to kill theirs. They need to learn that troops are expendable. Just look at how much I have to pay to upkeep them. They are expendable.”

“I agree. These fools need to learn the meaning of beauty, especially Joan.” Isabella sighed, “Just thinking about that day makes me so happy.”

“Thinking about our day makes me happy too,” said Pachacuti.

“Ugh, I don’t see what you like about her, Pachacuti. But after all, I’m the only one who has made any progress in our assault.”

“Yeah, Cleopatra?”

“Yes, we have managed to burn an entire floodplains field. The roads will be quite unusable until repaired.”

“Wow! That’s just… great.”

*****

“We have administered a proper butt kicking on the battlefield, men. Carry on. And while you are at it, set up camp on this hill. We shall show the English justice yet!”

Men on elephants started roaming around and stomping the ground. Though it was very difficult to set up tents in that condition, eventually everything was tied down, and the elephants were calmed to sleep. Of course, Maximillian and the other ancient cavalrymen had camped outside of Brighton and a swordsmen military stronghold.

It surprised nobody that when the swordsmen charged and the first elephant trumpeted the alert, the tents all collapsed on their owners. Everyone grumpily got out, as they had no other alternative, and searched for their mounts. Sleepily, picking up their spears, they skewered through their foes. Or more likely, the elephants carried their half asleep owners through the battlefield and trampled the enemy.

*****

“I’ve been dreaming of this for years!” said Napoleon. He had achieved his dream. His current dream anyway. The one that had occurred to him mere moments before charging into London. He had been calling it, for the past five minutes, the ULTIMATE LOOT. And the booty was not unlike its name. Strolling by burning houses and screaming English villagers. Napoleon had an odd queasy feeling.

He suddenly felt like something in him was missing. Something that if left unsatisfied, would torment him forever, until his death. Then he noticed a teashop. The fragrances inside were so soothing, he thought. And as he watched villagers throwing water from the Thames river onto the shop, he aimlessly wandered over. The villagers shrieked and begged for mercy as he approached, but he waved them aside. Finding a cup in the burning debris, he collected the dripping water from the fumes inside and downed the tea.

Napoleon’s eyes (and throat) went on fire. And, just like London, burned. Tea. What a thing. Splendid. We’ll have a jolly good time, thought Napoleon at fast speed. “TEA!!!!”

*****

“So let’s discuss how to counter ANTIFRENCH,” started Joan.

“Yeah, we’re gonna beat ‘em up!” chimed Mary.

“Ugh, loud…,” said John, still having a headache from lack of rest.

“John, brings up an excellent point. We will have to be loud. And to be loud, it’s best to have a name. But we’ll find one later. In the meantime, we must find out how to kill these cannibals.”

“They want to eat us?” shrieked Mary.

“Please do not interrupt our Queen, Mistress Mary,” calmed Maximillian.

“Thank you Maximillian, though the real thanks goes to our spy Kim, for informing us of the situation.”

“You know I don’t suck, right?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Queen Joan, I must demand you tell me why I am here,” Louis scowled.

“Oh, you, Engineer Louis. I believe you are here to help repair a certain step on the palace. As a reward we’re giving you more catapults to work with. Thank you that will be all.” A fuming Louis was shown out. “Your efforts are invaluable!” called Joan. Turning fluidly to General Delinquente, she said, “So, General Delinquente, how goes our defense at Bescanon, Rheims, and Orleans? And also, how goes Napoleon’s charge and the removal of useless towns?”

“Queen Joan, I cannot begin to say-“

“But do.”

“Alright, then. We’re winning that’s it. London and Newcastle are destroyed. Countless enemies have died. Yet for some freaky reason, none of our troops have been destroyed.”

“Excellent. Our strategies must be very well planned out and executed. You honor us, Delinquente.”

“Thank you, my Queen.”

“But let’s not celebrate yet! We still have many hours until teatime! Aha hahahaha!”

*****

Pictures to follow.

There was the ridiculous 30000 character post count limit. I didn't even know I wrote that much.

West:



North:



South:



East:



Napoleon in England:



*****

(Author’s Note: All I have to say is, I’m winning. Lot’s of plot this time. And little action. Not that it matters. It’s basically going to be like this until I meet Theodora and Montezuma. Or I build the GLib. Or I get new units. Okay, so the story’s gonna be very different in the future. There’ll be lot’s of action. Next chapter should include people going back to work. Where we were once weak, we are now strong. Now, we have the strongest military of the civilizations we know. 8 towns 1 city 1 settler 7 workers 15 slaves 1 warrior 4 archers 18 spearmen 11 swords 1 L33T sword army 6 catapults and 2 ancient cavalry. I’m also the biggest in land area. Now, my main problem. I’m technologically backwards. I hope I can hold out until I can get the GLib. About 20 turns or less.)

Wow great job. This is how stories are ment to be made.

Hm...I wonder what'll happen if you didn't get the G.Lib...

Nah, hope you do

Chapter Fifteen: Looks Like Fun To-me!

“So close…,” moaned Archsage Esca. “If only, Georges. If only, Queen Joan would give me one gold sack, I just know I could finish studying these ridiculous tax records and philosophies.” He paused and leant against the elephant. “You’re right. It’s no use complaining that we’re the most technologically backwards in the world. And that we have no defenses against whatever new weaponry our enemies are bound to come up with.” Archsage Esca stretched his ancient arms up in the air and picked up his magic tome. “All these books…, and truly, I have no ideas.”

Archsage Esca deliberated, “Though I, the Archsage of France, may have no ideas, that does not mean nobody has any ideas. And even if they don’t, I must have some sort of inspiration.” The old man pushed on the elephant’s side into a standing position. “Georges, I believe we have some young people to visit.”

Georges trumpeted and stomped in delight at being allowed to leave the dark of the palace record room. The two rode off to invariably cause mischief.

*****

A figure slipped further into the darkness.

“Oh, Jo-o-ohn, you’ve cut yourself again practicing.” Mary moaned as she leapt towards him and pulled out her healing stave, or rather, still beat-up stick. “Here.” She lifted the stave.

John extended his wounded arm towards her, sighing.

Mary brought the herb tip near the bleeding cut and whispered a few words. And nothing happened. “Oh, no! It just doesn’t work.” She tapped the cut and was rewarded with a hiss of pain.

“Sss….” The assassin closed his eyes at the sharp sting.

“I’m sorry,” sniffed Mary. “I think I should just stop.” Tears filled her eyes.

John pulled Mary closer into a hug. “No, Mary. It’s alright. Please, don’t give up….”

“Well, isn’t this an exciting scene,” a voice interrupted. “No, not really exciting, more like, what’s the word? Touching.” A figure from the shadows crept out and revealed herself as Kim.

John glared at her. Mary was still sobbing into his shoulder.

Kim sneered, “Don’t be mad. It’s really not her fault it doesn’t work. Here.” She took out a book, hidden inside her cloak. It was the Archsage’s tome. “Archsage Esca forgot this in the record room.”

“Thought you’d do some spying, huh?”

“Brilliant, I’ve been discovered!” mocked Kim sarcastically. “Anyways, I’m trying to help you. That cut does look nasty, you know.”

“Que quieres?” said Mary in between gasps of air. (What do you want?)

“Me? I want nothing for this. I just get the happiness of helping,” giggled Kim. “Here. This should help….” Kim disappeared leaving only the tome on the floor. They owe me. Heh.

John bent down and picked it up, Mary still leaning on his shoulder. He handed Mary the book, who looked wonderingly at it. Suddenly, the book opened up and flipped its pages right to left at rapid speed until it landed on a page titled “Heal.” Further down were the mystic words Mary had uttered before. And below was a description and illustration of what would occur.

“Healing,” she read. “This spell requires a magical source and a healing stave. When the above words are uttered an aura will surround the user healing minor wounds and removing traces of dried blood for a short distance.” She smiled. This was what she had needed. It hadn’t been her fault at all. After a few seconds, a blinding blue light filled the room and when it faded, John’s cut had disappeared.

“Thanks.” John was smiling. It wasn’t that the wound was gone. It was because a certain somebody was happy too.

*****

“They owe me BIG!” yelled Louis at some random passerby. He groaned loudly in frustration as he continued to fill the hole with soil.

It was so ridiculous; it wasn’t even mentionable. How can you not know how to fix a step with a huge hole in it? Just fill it up. Are they that stupid?! And to add insult to injury, Louis had fallen in that same hole on his way to the palace. Not only that, but he was removed from the one place he loved.

“Aaargh!” Breathing in and out deeply, Louis tried to calm down, but his anger only increased. He had absolutely nothing to look forward to. Now, he commanded 6 catapult teams. 3 near Orleans under his direct control and 3 somewhere else in France. It was bad enough learning to lead one team. Two didn’t feel much different. But now….

Louis turned to the stone he was supposed to carve next, having finished filling the hole as best as he could and compacting it. I just want to go home.

*****

General Delinquente felt rather disappointed. Joan had opted not to watch him, or rather, join him in battle against the Spanish at Orleans. She had opted to go with Maximillian. “Sir Maximillian, the great one who’s so polite and ready to die for his country. Oh so chivalrous and charming,” he thought in a mocking tone. “Ugh. I hate him.” He crossed his arms and pouted. Consequently, he almost fell off the elephant he was riding.

And with one bump, he was sliding off. He reached forward, but it was a bit too late. He tried to snatch the saddle for a better grip. But he missed. “Ah….” What a way to die. He closed his eyes as he fell.

“Falling isn’t so bad after all,” thought Delinquente. “It’s just the landing that worries me. But…. Shouldn’t I be at the ground by now?!” He opened his eyes. Looking down, the ground was indeed coming closer, but a lot slower than he had expected. And he felt this odd weight at the neck of his cloak, almost choking him.

“General, you can’t die on me just yet,” Joan said above him. The elephant she was riding was slowly bending its knees down so that the two could disembark. “I still have uses for you.”

“Oh! Queen Joan!” General Delinquente started. “But, but I thought-“

“Sir Maximillian has insisted that the battlefield is no place for a woman, much less a queen…. So obviously, I had to join someone who wouldn’t be so difficult,” smirked Joan.

“It’s my pleasure to travel with you.”

“I’m sure it is,” said Joan sharply. Then she smiled. “But, of course, I too am pleased.”

General Delinquente blushed and looked down as the two landed on the ground.

*****

“So what’s this? Like the fifth time we’ve met?” asked Isabella. “Well, whatever. Anyways, I believe it’s about time we got some real spying done. After all, we only have Kim out in the field, why not Tim and Jim?”

“Yes, that does sound logical,” said Cleopatra. “However, Tim may be a double agent, and if you let him go….”

Tim suddenly jumped up from behind Cleopatra’s chair and placed his arms on her shoulders violently, making her jolt. “I don’t think that’s very fair,” he said with a falsely sad voice. “Jim could easily be a spy for France just as well.”

“Yeah, if he could talk,” pointed out Catherine.

“Who says he can’t? You never asked him if he could.”

“Well, can you?” said Pachacuti patting the toddler on the head. In return, Jim bit him.

Tim slapped a hand to his face, “Agh.”

Pachacuti sniggered. “Well, Tim, Kim is already hard at work; I think you should help our alliance too. Instead of looking up people’s-“

“Alright, I’ll go!” Tim stomped off.

“Wait, Tim!” yelled Elizabeth. “Take Jim too!” Grabbing Jim, she threw the baby towards Tim.

Tim let it bounce on the floor multiple times until it rolled to a stop next to the door. Scooping Jim up, Tim smiled as the toddler gurgled happily and strode off, twirling around a finger what suspiciously seemed to be a pair of pink ladies underwear.

“HEY!!!”

*****

“Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! (Really, go back and read it aloud quickly then guess who this is).”

“Hey,” whispered a Parisian Citizen to his fellow Napoleon’s Hero, nudging him in the ribs.

“What?” asked the swordsman.

“Has he been like that long?”

“Only since he downed that cup of tea. I don’t even know what those English scum put in that thing.”

“Well, we might as well wait for it to pass over.”

“That is, if it ever does.”

“Yes.”

“OMG. OMG! Me thinks I sees a Russian galley. OMG.”

“What’s omg?”

*****

“Yay! We finished connecting Bescanon to Chartes!” Mary was happy her worker friends were so hardworking. Then again, these were slaves, forced to agree with whatever she said.

“Yes, Mistress Mary. Thank you, Mistress Mary, silk bug queen of the elephants.”

A stampeded of French troops followed on the newly built path, hailing Mary as they passed. John, of course, was not in sight.

“Tee hee hee! C’mon John, let’s go on a charter. I heard they’ve got the best deals in Chartes!”

Popping up from behind a rather large rock, John complained. “But we just got back from-“

“That was yesterday. Today-“

“No, Mary. I don’t want to.” And with that, the assassin turned her back towards Paris, and off they went.”

“I don’t think there’s a road here yet, John.”

“… oh. That sucks. I don’t like this.”

*****

Andre and Guy cheered with the other swordsmen as their reinforcements rushed into Bescanon. 2 sword groups, a catapult team, a band of slaves and a spearman brigade joined them. They watched as the groups engaged the two Russian horsemen groups surrounding Bescanon. And after the screams of pain subsided and the Russian horsemen retreated, Andre and Guy led their troops out to assault the armies of ANTIFRENCH.

“I know what you’re thinking, Guy.”

“Whatever do you mean, Andre?”

“It’s nice to be back on the battlefield.”

“Chaaaarge!” they yelled together and their shouts were returned as their loyal group ran through the plains of Bescanon, nearing the horsemen encampments ahead.

*****

“Joan will pay for her insolence,” said Cleopatra to herself. News had just reached her of the approach of 6 military groups, 3 were composed of war chariots, 1 was a horseman group, and the last two were spearmen brigades. All 6 groups were heading towards the doomed town of Rheims. “Even a walled town on a hill surrounded by rivers will not stop me,” smiled Cleopatra. “Joan will rue the day she insulted me.”

“Oh, really,” thought Kim, as the Egyptian leader walked out onto her balcony. Sneakily, stealing out of the room, with some gold trinkets clinking in her cloak, the spy dashed off back to Paris to report to Joan. “Even a walled town on a hill surrounded by rivers that has no defenders could stop an army of swordsmen with the right information.”

*****

“Where is it? Oh my gosh, Georges! I cannot find the source of my brilliance. Without it, my powers drop significantly. I’ll only be able to cast ‘Fire’ and stuff like that. What about ‘Translate’, ‘Mutilate’, and ‘Condemn to a Thousand Fiery Deaths’? This is horrible. This is a disaster! Joan will have my head for this!” With that, Archsage Esca clambered onto Georges and the two rode off in search of his tome.

*****

“Agh!” The stone fit and all, but what was this? Right after he had finished, Louis was hit over the head by a book and was treated to the loudest of eager shrieks. Picking it up, he grumbled about stupid female dogs and illegitimate children when he noticed the book was emitting a flashing light.

He dropped the book and its pages turned rapidly as it landed on the spine. The pages flew by and stopped on a page titled, “Emote.” Below, were a few words, Louis felt sure he could pronounce after he worked at them for a while. He looked at the pictures of people with beams connecting them to their targets.

Below, he read the description. “Emote: This spell requires a magical source, a target, and an emotion to be discarded. When the above words are uttered, a transfer of emotional energy between the caster and the target will appear through a colored connection.”

Looking at his target, that weird assassin that always hung out with that Mary girl, he secretly hoped this spell would rid him of not one problem, but two. Chanting the words on the page before him, he saw a chain of orange light connecting him and the assassin and all his complaints leaving him.

Surprisingly, this also made him less angry. That is, until the tome flew out of his hands, hit him over the head again, and took off.

*****

“Queen Joan, I’d like to say-“ General Delinquente said as he sliced through the man in front of him.

“Don’t bother. Just keep going,” responded Joan who emerged next to him, covered in blood and guts.

“Fine.” Delinquente started running with his sword behind him until he neared a Spanish soldier. He slammed the sword into the man and jumped back so as not to be impaled by the spears of the next horseman.

Joan, on the other hand, was having a fun time decapitating horses and slicing through their legs. The Spanish grumbled as their steeds fell and they were forced to fight on foot, only to be run through by General Delinquente. However, around the couple the battle still raged, the archers seemed to be picking off the Spanish archers from inside Orleans while the swordsmen were also having minimal losses against a different horsemen group.

Far behind them, Louis’s catapults were firing, but they were failing a lot more often without their glorious leader. But they were soon joined by a third team, and their hit rates increased.

All in all, it was a glorious day for the French, and it was even better for General Delinquente. He was sure something had happened, recalling the times he had to dive into the way to push Joan out from under a falling horse or stray arrow.

*****

“And little did she know that it was all a distraction,” finished Tim as he removed his Cleopatra costume.

“So that was why you took my panties.”

“Er…. Yes, exactly,” nodded Tim, rather suspiciously.

“Well, good job, Tim,” said Isabella. “So Kim was the traitor after all. But that’s okay, we of ANTIFRENCH will prevail. But for now, let’s go and visit Theodora’s little Mausoleum.”

“Oh, yeah! I want to see who this Mausollos is and what I can learn from him. Heh heh heh.”

“Hee haw, hee haw!” laughed Catherine.

“But guys,” said Elizabeth, “I’m getting crushed here! If someone doesn’t get me General Delinquente soon, Napoleon will just kill me!”

“Oh, you’ve got nothing to worry about, Lizzie,” responded Isabella. “We’re all going to see the Mausoleum. Don’t you want to see the Mausoleum?”

“Yeah, I guess….”

“Great! Cleopatra can just send her troops to Orleans like it was really planned and we’ll go!”

*****

“Sir Maximillian, the English have not attacked as we thought. They seem to be heading into the fields that the citizens of Lyons work.”

“Foul monsters these English, killing innocent peasants. I swear they shall all fall to my spear.”

“Then shall we charge, commander?”

“By the Statue of Zeus!”

Spurring his troops forward, the ancient cavalry with their more enduring elephants, quickly slaughtered the retreating swordsmen and wiped the three groups of English invaders off the living world. Maximillian did not have time to rest after the battle was over, riding over to the Alps to survey the damage to his other troops.

“Oh, Sir Maximillian, thank goodness you are here.”

“Never mind it, my fellow soldier. What happened here?” he said, gesturing towards all of the dead elephants.

“We tried to defeat the Egyptian pillaging spearmen, but instead, they used the high ground to their advantage. As our elephants struggled to ascend the mountain, they were easily cut down by jumping spearmen, who plunged downwards onto and through the heads of our elephants. We managed to retreat, just in time.”

“A brutal tactic, but effective,” said Maximillian sadly. “See to it that the dead are honored. In the meantime, I will try to find reinforcements for your group.”

*****

“I earn iron!” shouted Napoleon as his troops rushed towards Coventry, England’s only source of iron.

“Why are you so grouchy, John?” asked Mary as they were looking for the path to Paris, unfortunately cut off during the volcanic explosion a year ago.

“Keep fighting, Delinquente!” insisted Joan as the General stopped to stare at her in the middle of a battle.

“Okay, so we already checked here, Georges. No, I’m not stupid. Yes, I know the book searches for its owner too. Yeah, okay. Fine. We’ll have tea now.”

“What’s this?” wondered Maximillian as a book hit his head. “Regenerate?”

“More work,” grumbled Louis, as he arrived in Orleans. To his dismay, most, if not all the catapults, were badly adjusted.

“Well, that’s odd…,” said Kim as she noticed a lack of carnage at Rheims.

“Ooh!” the members of ANTIFRENCH said as they entered the Mausoleum. “Ah!” they continued as they looked around the building.

“Mmm!!!” said Tim as he and Jim gathered a pile of ladies underwear.

*****

“Hee haw! Hee haw! The others have distracted Joan so much, that I have perfected the ultimate writing challenge. Now writing is not meant to be for boring records, but for entertainment (and propaganda). So let the contest begin!”

Writers from all over Russia gathered in Moscow to begin the challenge. Kim, of course, was there undercover until-.

“Hey, there Kim! Long time, no see.”

“Uh, Tim!” said Kim embarrassedly. “So, um, nice to see you.” She slowly edged away.

“It is. I think Isabella wants to meet you. Now.” Grabbing hold of Kim, Tim was met with a rapid knee to a certain area. Doubling over in pain, he barely managed to keep a grin as he continued, “Nice- to see you- again” before falling over.

“Oh, poo! I’ve been discovered.” Russian spearmen guarding the gates to the contest area approached Kim. Running off, Kim barely noticed the rose stuck in her cloak before it blew off in the wind.

(Uh oh. Russians got Literature. I only have 8 turns on the prebuild. I hope for no cascade.)

*****

“There it is!” shouted Archsage Esca as he saw General Delinquente reading the description for “Lust.”

The General started to chant the words, but the book was knocked out of his hands by Georges’ trunk. The tome flew into Archsage Esca’s hands who quickly took off, saying “Oh, my precious….”

Delinquente looked down. “Aw…. Darn it.”

*****

De Gaulle rose from the battlefield, his sword stained in blood. Silently sheathing it, he turned behind to the waste of the battlefield. Men lay slaughtered in the field bearing marks of slashed chests, armor. The land was littered with the corpses and severed heads, De Gaulle himself had removed from life. His troop stood behind him, staring, in shock, of what their leader had done. Then noticing his grave wounds, De Gaulle collapsed on the battlefield, spiraling into darkness.

*****

Two figures ran through the plains of Orleans.

“Mary, you shouldn’t be here.”

“Aww…. John! Wait up!” Mary struggled to keep up with the running assassin.

“No. You should go back.”

Gasping for breath, Mary couldn’t respond.

Turning, the assassin spotted an arrow wizzing right at Mary. But it was too late for him to jump in to save her. The arrow wizzed past him. “Mary, look out!”

Still puffing, Mary didn’t bother too look up. The arrow was flying closer and closer. And at the last second, she leaned to one side, and the arrow flew past her. Then just as quickly, she returned to her original panting position.

“…” The assassin stared at Mary.

“What?” asked Mary looking up.

“What was that?”

“What was what?”

“…”

*****

Joan looked over De Gaulle’s body. She had already forced Archsage Esca to grudgingly heal the wounded leader. She had to promise him some funds. And now she was bored. Very bored. Why doesn’t De Gaulle wake up already? Seemingly following her advice, De Gaulle’s eyes slowly opened, unfocused and blinked a few times. Then they closed again. Aaagh! Wake up you worthless piece of-

“Sorry, I can’t bow, Queen Joan,” said the body sarcastically, still with his eyes closed.

“Oh!” jumped Joan. Quickly, regaining her composure, she followed with “Aha hahahaha! Pay it no mind.”

“And why am I here?” De Gaulle asked rudely.

To die. “To continue your legacy-”

“Right.”

“You are to command a legion of ancient cavalry and bring France into an age of prosperity,” finished Joan, rather annoyed by now.

“Great. Whatever.”

Honestly, I should just kill him now. “Good day, General De Gaulle.” Joan left.

“Yeah, yeah.”

*****

“Yes! Yes!” Archsage Esca went over to gather the funds Joan had just granted him. And with his tome returned to him, he was ready to sing. Something that Georges remonstrated him for greatly.

Riding over to the royal treasury, he handed the attendant his form. And he waited for a few minutes as his gold was gathered, imagining the riches he would not receive, having for years been deprived of funding. Suddenly, he wondered what he would do with his gold. Really, what could he do.with all his new funding? Then the attendant returned with a rather small sack. Too small.

“One piece of lousy gold?!” he yelled.

*****

“That’s like our third troop casualty!” Kim sighed, as she ran off to report to General Delinquente. Hidden in her cloak was a book she had managed to nab before escaping Russia. Not that she had had time to read it yet. But she knew someone who would like it….

Kim’s log:

Unfortunately, a spearman brigade has fallen to the Russian horsemen, who I am sad to admit, were chasing me. It really is my fault that so many French people have died, but as everyone knows, I’m clearly much more important to the empire. After all, I actually have a distinctive face. But that’s besides the point, I really shouldn’t make fun of stereotypical grunts, of course. Boy, that settler group is yelling loudly. Just because they could’ve been enslaved doesn’t mean that they should be so scared. They’re clutching at me, trying to get my attention. Look, at them blubbering! Ha

“What is it?” she demanded, batting away the arms that groped towards her.

“No more, tours….” They all said in unison, in a moaning, zombie-like drone.

“Geez, you really shouldn’t make fun of stereotypical, faceless grunts you know.”

“Tours….”

“Yeah, even if they are from Tours.” Then, running off, Kim clenched the book tight.

*****

“Hola, Kim! No sabes cuanto tiempo he estado esperandote!” (Hi Kim! You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for you.!)

“Hi, Mary.”

In the shadows, Archsage Esca flipped through his tome until he reached the desired point. “Translate….”

“Que tienes en tus manos?” (What do you have in your hands?)

“Nothing important. Just a book.”

“Pues, adios! Y gracias por el libro magico!” (Well, then goodbye! And thanks for the magic book.) And with that, Mary skipped off to meet John.

Stepping out of the shadows, Archsage Esca walked towards Kim. “So it was you.”

“Huh?” said Kim, trying to hide her guilt.

“You know what I mean. My tome.”

“Oh, ha, that….”

“Don’t worry, I’m not here to kill you; I wish to make a deal. But if you refuse,” he ended threateningly.

Kim gulped. “Okay….”

“I want that book.”

“I stole it fair and square! … oh.”

“I’ll give you a gold piece,” Archsage Esca enticed, revealing the gold sack.

“Sold,” she said throwing the book at him, grabbing the sack, and running off.

“Sucker…,” he said taking the gold piece out of his pocket.

****

(Pictures to come)

West:



North:



South:



East:



Napoleon in England:



*****

(Author’s Note: So England is going to fall. And I got another (3rd) MGL for my elite ancient cavalry. Also, I played more and the AI did get literature. Oh, no! What if I don't get the GLib? 4 turns left.... And for those who don't realize by now, I have started another story, similar to a high school experience through a hotseat game. Just look at my signature, Hotseat High.)

Phew exams not completely over yet.. but hopefully I'll be able to keep up with your updates from now on..

Good job keeping your promise of not abandoning the game

Pictures uploaded. Chapter 16 is in progress.

Come on, dont let this die out!

Oh, oh, I'm so sorry! I have great interest in this, but I have no time for playing this and writing the story. Maybe if we have a nice long break, I'll get to this. But otherwise, you may have to wait till summer. Or this may be forgotten....

Maybe I'll work on it a few moments today though....

Try the weekends or Winter break.

I suggest re-reading the chapters before reading this one. Since relatively little happens, and another chapter is in progress, no pictures for this update.

Looks like I took carmen's advice. . Winter break is a wonderful time for storytelling.

Hopefully, I did better on the grammar for this one. Unfortunately, every time I read through what I've done, I find errors. Hopefully not as many (or any) this time.

“Hee haw! Hee haw! The Ultimate Writing Challenge Preliminary Rounds will begin now.”

“Oh, wow, this is wonderful, Cathy!” said an excited Isabella.

“Yes, it truly is a masterpiece of a challenge,” Cleopatra stated.

“It’s worth not being in York to watch this.”

“Heh heh heh. And all the girls…. But maybe Joan will show.”

“Right you are Pachacuti, I invited Theodora and Montezuma, but unfortunately they turned me down. Said something about reds….”

“Reds, Catherine?” asked Cleopatra indignantly.

“Something like that.”

“Oh, ‘reds’…,” muttered everyone but Catherine.

“What’s reds? … What?”

“Cathy,” said Elizabeth, “Not reds.”

“Huh?”

“Beds.”

*****

Meanwhile, Theodora and Montezuma were looking at different shades of red to buy for their surprise celebration party.

“Eehee!” giggled Theodora as she pointed to a lovely rose colored tile.

“I agree. That would be most acceptable. It reminds me of bloodshed.”

“Ooooh!” Theodora’s eyes boggled out as she rushed towards yet another red shaded tile.

“I agree. That would be most acceptable. It also reminds me of bloodshed.”

“Aaaah!” She cartwheeled through Montezuma to a crimson shaded tile. “I want this one!”

“I agree. That would be most acceptable. Bloodshed is what it reminds me of.”

“Or maybe that one….”

“I agree. That would be most acceptable. Of what it reminds me is bloodshed.”

“Or that one….” Theodora considered.

“I agree. That would be most acceptable-“

“Stop saying that!” Theodora pulled at her hair.

“-I am reminded of bloodshed by it,” Montezuma finished.

*****

“So, Lady Joan, could I have my indentured servitude slash slavery slash forced labor reduced?” asked Kim innocently.

“Let me think about that for a very brief moment.” Joan turned to General Delinquente who turned to Archsage Esca, who grinned and shook his head. Delinquente turned back to Joan and shook his head. Joan looked back at Kim and said, “I don’t think so. After all you’re not in indentured servitude slash slavery slash forced labor. You’re a vassal who serves me, the Queen, for life! Aha hahahaha!”

“Great,” Kim rolled her eyes. “Well, we should get going then.”

“Hold it. I still don’t see why your telling us of this ridiculous writing contest means anything at all!”

“Hmmm,” said Archsage Esca. “I beg to differ, Queen Joan.”

“Yes?”

“With that one gold piece you have given me, I have received a most delightful idea.”

“With one gold?” said Joan incredulously. “Aha hahahaha! Looks like one gold is all you’ll really need to pump out those ideas, eh?”

“Oh no. No!”

“Oh yes!”

“…”

“But we’ll discuss this later.”

“I suppose….”

“So what did you discover, Esca?”

*****

“John, I don’t see what’s wrong! You’re acting very rudely, you know.”

“Go away, Mary. You scare me.”

“What? What did I do?”

“You just dodged all those arrows like they were nothing.”

“Yeah, and?”

“We were surrounded by archers.”

“So?”

“And I was badly wounded,” said John irratibly.

“…” Mary motioned for him to continue.

“And they were shooting right at you?” accused John.

“Well? What’s your point?”

“Shouldn’t you have, you know, been hit by at least one of them?”

“Uh, no. I don’t think so,” Mary shook her head.

“Tch,” John stormed off.

“I don’t get it. What did I do wrong?” wondered Mary innocently.

*****

“I still don’t see why Napoleon has us carrying all this tea around.”

“Shhh! He’ll hear you! Look! He’s coming now.”

Napoleon walked up to the whispering soldiers. “Well, come on then. Bring along the tea. We’ve got quite a ways to go to get to York. Oh, and we’ll be facing the English tomorrow.”

“To get more tea, no doubt.”

“Yes!” shouted Napoleon. “That’s right. We’re going there to get tea. And then more slaves. And with those slaves we’ll build a tea empire!”

“Actually, tobacco empires are more-“

“Silence! Off we go then.”

*****

“This is extremely boring for a great lady like me,” huffed Joan. She changed positions on her grand throne, sitting sideways, leaning on the right edge of the regal chair. Then she decided to lift her legs and face the left side of the palace walls, studying their intricate patterns, which she had done all too much. “This queen stuff is so tedious. Can’t I have some excitement?!” Out of nowhere, her throne carrying servants, brought forth her traveling throne, and she was lifted onto it.

“Where to, Queen Joan?” They said in unison.

“Ooh, I know!” shouted Kim as she ran into the room.

The servants withdrew their weapons, dutifully, as the average guard would do.

“Kim! You’re a foreign and interesting person. Where should a queen like myself go to be entertained?”

“I said I knew…,” Kim whispered. Clearly and forcefully, she turned to the great lady and bowed. None noticed the mocking “I propose, your majesty,” a giggle burst from Kim. “that you go to Russia.”

“Where the polar bears roam? I suppose I’ll catch one and make it my pet, so long as we’re keeping any.” Everyone in the room immediately thought of Archsage Esca’s elephant being slaughtered by a rampaging polar bear and shivered.

“Actually, they’re having some sort of contest. And the winner gets to keep all the books!”

“All of them?!” Joan asked. She raised an arm imperiously as Kim was about to respond.“Wait. Hold it. What are books?”

*****

Catherine strutted around, or rather waddled, around the stadium watching the writers scribble furiously in their attempt to have their ideas flow, as she would call it, like unchurned butter. Of course, unchurned butter, Catherine considered, was most unpleasant. Instead, one should keep mixing it until it thickens. But the analogy didn’t apply very well, now did it? The Russian queen continued her thoughts from there. Mmmm…. Buttery.

*****

“Oh hello, Louis!”

“Engineer Louis.” Louis scowled. Nobody would ever treat him with the respect he deserved.

“I was wondering, have you seen a rather skinny looking man with a scary sharp sword? I’m afraid he’s gotten rather lost.”

“Do I know you?” Louis rudely replied before turning back to the catapult he was repairing.

“No, his name is ‘John’, not ‘you’. Don’t be silly!” Mary smiled at the frowning teen.

“******ed…,” Louis muttered without looking up and promptly decided to ignore the girl. But then, Mary’s face crept in front of his. “What do you want?” he snapped.

“He’s an assassin,” she put simply.

“Oh. Him. Well, I did cast a spell on him, but he looked fine afterwards….”

“What’s that?” Mary inquired innocently.

“Can you go away now?”

“Okay. Thank you, I guess.”

*****

John hid himself among the bushes of Orleans. That, he decided, would be enough for him to reflect on what had happened. Mary, surprisingly, had managed to hold her own against many of enemies, turning into a blur that could only be described as either scary or magical. Whatever the case, Mary had dodged and dodges arrow after arrow, sword after sword, effortlessly, while he had suffered deathblows he only could have survived from with her acquired healing ability. She was clearly hiding something from him, maybe even conspiring to rid herself of him, like she had in the past. Something was wrong; he knew that for sure.

The assassin watched as Mary looked up at the disinterested engineer. She was too close. John felt jealousy rise within him, a strong desire to strike out against the two.

*****

“And there it is,” shouted Kim, pointing to the contestants.

“Very interesting,” said Maximillian riding up with his elephant. “Queen Joan, I have already sent a message to Archsage Esca.”

“Excellent, Maximillian. You can go now.”

“My queen, I beg your forgiveness, but I must stay and protect-“

“Okay. Everyone wants to protect me. Okay. Fine.” Joan waved her arms around uncaringly.

“Err…. I mean, uh, darn it! I’m not supposed to stutter! Sh-”

“Or swear,” reminded Kim.

“I didn’t swear!”

“You were going to.”

“No, I was going to say ‘shows me that I should try to be more knightly.’”

“Right….”

“I must insist, Lady Kimberly,” sighed Maximillian before he remounted his elephant. “With your permission, my queen?”

“Very well, lead the way.” Joan snickered inwardly. Knights….

*****

“Ah hello there! You too!” The old researcher rode up to Mary and Louis. The two were in a rather odd position. Mary was in the catapult. Louis was about to fire it.

“Hi, Esca! Hi Georges!” Mary waved to the two. The elephant shifted his trunk over to Mary. He lifted her out just as Louis fired.

“Darn it.” Louis snapped his fingers.

The elephant stuck its tongue out at Louis and trumpeted in laughter.

“Right then, said Esca, “Well, Mary, Louis, we need to go to Russia. They’re holding a competition there.”

“Ooh! Are there good prizes?”

“Er, yes, Mary. There are wonderful prizes,” replied Esca. Georges grumbled. “Oh, alright. Good prizes for me.”

“Sounds good to me!”

Louis couldn’t hold it any longer. “Whaaaaat?!”

“No time, let’s go.” Esca took out his tome. “Teleport!” With that, three figures disappeared. The engineers around wondered where their leader had gone. Then they realized joyfully that the annoying girl and the elephant were gone too. A cheer echoed through the catapult team until they realized that the freaky old man was still there. “Huh, I guess you can’t go two different places with one of these spells. Teleport!” Only a silhouette remained of the ancient man.

*****

“We have arrived, Queen Joan, and Lady Kimberly.”

“Yes, thank you. General Delinquente is already here with some of the attack forces. Well, then let’s begin!”

“But what should I do, Queen Joan?” Kim had her notebook ready to take notes.

“Oh, Kim, right. Do what you normally do. Except don’t suck so much.”

“I’m not gonna get caught again!”

“Aren’t you? Aren’t you?”

“Well….”

“Aha hahahaha!”

*****

“Mnnnn….” John was making his way towards Paris when this body fell right on top of him.

“Ah, yes, John.”

“… who are you?”

“Don’t you remember me? You’re the guy I hired that one time when I was going from Lyons to Paris.”

“Right.” John turned away from Esca.

“I was wondering if-“

“Look! I don’t want to talk to anyone right now, alright!” It was not enough close to a question. The assassin’s back twitched as he walked away from the old researcher.

“Wait,” he reached out towards the young man.

“Go away!” The assassin drew his sword and turned it towards Archsage Esca.

“Please. Don’t go anywhere.” Archsage Esca withdrew his tome from his cloak.

John’s eyes shined a dark brown. He took a step back. “What?” His tone indicated fear, not anger.

“Restore!” The lights were particularly brilliant.

*****

Tim thought he was being quite quiet. He thought nobody could here him. Apparently, that was not the case. His prey knew he was there.

“Oh, stop it Tim!” Tim jumped.

“Hi Kim! Don’t you want to meet-”

“I said, ‘Go away’, Tim!” Kim kneed him in the usual target area.

“-your Lady Isa-“ Tim collapsed on the ground clutching a precious organ. “Ow….”

Kim picked Tim up and shook him. “You’re supposed to a) stop following me and b) fall on the ground and stay there! Geez! It’s not like I can drag you around and stuff!”

*****

“GREAT! I have an elephant to deal with now! What am I some sort of rag doll?! Aargh!” Louis fell to the ground clutching his head.

Mary looked sadly at the young man. He looked so troubled. So she decided to use her own brand of happiness on him. Within a second, she had pounced on him. In another, he was in fits of enraged laughter. Tickling could be such fun. Tack on an elephant dancing around the two, and happiness would clearly be imminent. She would not stop, she decided, until he admitted he was happy.

“Are you happy yet, Louis?”

“Never!”

*****

“There you are Maximillian. I believe it is time for you to join in the fray.”

“Of course. I will remain with Queen Joan.”

“As leader of Operation Unified Incineration, I believe that that is simply not possible, Maximillian.”

“General Delinquente, I must protest. It is my duty as a knight of the Statue of Zeus and a warrior of Holy Elephant Cavalry Killing Soldiers.”

“I’m the commander here, Maximillian. You’ll follow my orders.”

“I do not see how that is possible. My allegiance is not towards you, but rather towards Queen Joan.”

“Then we’ll get her to settle this.” Delinquente, scowling, set off in search of the great lady.

*****

“Guy, we’re going back to the field now.” Andre watched as his friend stuffed his face. “You can stop eating now, man.” His friend turned to a pile of desserts on the other side of the table he sat at. “Guy!” he shouted at the top of his lungs.

“Mmgh?” responded Guy through a mouthful of sweet cheese from Rheims. The Shuduplees River was famed for its cheesewheel tosses by now.

“I said we’re goin’ to war. Oh, c’mon, Guy!”

Wiping his mouth off with a silk handkerchief, Guy leapt up and wobbled a bit before blinking and following his friend out the inn.

*****

“Okay, okay. Hee haw! Hee haw!” Catherine shouted as a large rock fell in the auditorium. “Nothing to see here.” The Russian czarina walked up the stage to the front. “There’s nothing to worry about. Ignore any large boulders or sounds you may be hearing. Continue writin- aack!”

The crowd of writers turned towards the offensive noise. Their combined cold stare chilled Catherine to the bone. In unison, they shouted monotonously, “GET OUT!!!”

“Yes, er, okay. I-“

“NOW!!!!”

“Eep!” Catherine waddled to the exit, glaring eyes tracing her movements. They were creepy eyes that followed her around the room….

*****

General De Gaulle was a wonderful leader. Everybody said so. He could care less though. It was simply too bad, he thought, the Spanish never had a chance. Admittedly, he was a bit horrified by the large naked bronze statue he found there. Yet the Spanish lady wasn’t there. Just where was she?

*****

“Aren’t the odds a bit low for that to happen?”

“Oh, Pippin, you worry too much!”

“But I really don’t think we should be able to randomly pop into another universe-”

“Remember, who is the King, Pippin.”

“Who? Anyone new?”

“… what were we talking about again?”

“Never mind.”

“Well, then, who’s up for tea?”

The writer considered the plausibility of these characters. He tore up the paper, sighed, and pulled out a fresh sheet.

*****

As the lights faded, John’s sword glimmered red. Archsage Esca’s body was falling, clutching his stomach. In shock, John dove to catch the old man.

“No, it’s alright…. I’m glad … you’re okay…,” Esca said weakly.

“No,” he whispered in desperation.

“Give this ….” He lifted his tome. “to … M-ma-“ Esca coughed and closed his eyes.

“No….” John shook the dead man. “No!” John buried his head in Esca’s chest.

*****

“That is it, you two! Stop fighting!” Joan walked up to the two men and hit them both over the head with flat side of her sword.

“Agh!” “OW!” The two clutched their heads.

“Maximillian will protect me.” Maximillian stuck out his tongue to Delinquente. Then, he recognized his unknightly behavior and flushed. “And Delinquente, you’ll lead the charge. Am I clear? Do either of you have a problem with that?!” Joan’s shrieking clearly indicated that she would rather have their heads than continue the discussion.

“Yes, my queen,” the two responded. One voice was pleased, the other, dejected.


*****

Guy and Andre found the French Engineer in a rather bad predicament. The annoying girl was almost tickling him to death. At the same time, a large elephant was guarding the two, not letting anyone approach.

“Are you happy now?” she asked for the twentieth time.

Louis did not respond. His laughs were full of pain and frustration.

Guy approached the elephant cautiously. Georges turned to him and blocked his approach. Meanwhile, Andre snuck around the elephant and went to Mary and Louis. Mary stopped tickling Louis, who collapsed in relief, thanking Andre. Nearby, Guy was able to calm Georges down. In a few minutes, they left a disappointed Mary lying down on a sleeping Georges.

*****

Sneaking around was particularly difficult. Almost all of his body felt thrashed. In reality, it was just one particular region of his body. But that didn’t matter. He was assigned a mission that he had to complete. Lurching along the walls of the Ultimate Writing Challenge Hall, Tim tried to keep silent without collapsing from the extreme pain he was in. Wasn’t he supposed to be a cheery thief? What did he do to deserve such pain. Hurt as it may though, he had to keep going. And he had to keep smiling; if he didn’t, the world would be one step closer towards its impending and miserable doom.

*****

Kim’s log:

The preliminary round has ended. A bunch of writers were forced to leave. I didn’t get to see where they were going, but the screams I heard from the exit probably means that they’re having a party. Because people can write tales even better than they can. I’m not quite sure that’s the correct reason though.

On another note, I don’t see Tim. That’s good; my knee hurts. But it has been rather quiet. I guess I ought to check up on everybody else. Well, Joan and Maximillian are having a nice time at the back lines. They look like they’re drinking tea or something. General Delinquente is scowling and barking orders to the soldiers, who by the way, aren’t doing very much without Engineer Louis’s help. Sometimes, I wonder why I bother to write that Mary is the silk bug queen of the elephants. I don’t know, maybe there will be some significance later. At any rate, it appears that Generals Napoleon and De Gaulle are missing. I last heard that Napoleon was taking over York with the help of some Ancient Cavalry, which surprisingly are not horses, but elephants. I mean, have you seen the size of Georges. Wow. Okay, now I’m rambling.

Still, though, De Gaulle’s army is entirely composed of ancient cavalry, Maximillian must be quite happy that HECKS is working out for him. Queen Joan does. I hope that she doesn’t think I suck at spying because I don’t. I clearly got caught because of that Mary (who’s the silk bug queen of the elephants). She really did play a number on that Louis who I still don’t like because he hit me and knocked me over when I almost got away. And where’s that assassin guy and Archsage Esca? The first is normally always with Mary. Huh. And Archsage Esca, surely he would need to come? Doesn’t he take any interest in books? Geez, I guess he didn’t come because he thought I’d want my revenge. Ha. Try to trick me into taking an empty bag of gold, eh? Ha! He won’t be getting away with that unscathed. How do I know this stuff? I don’t. Jim told-

“Ugh, Tim! Watch where you’re going! If you sneak around like that, you could get even more hurt than you just did!” Tim was unable to respond. “Oh, come on then. Why do you always have to be so cute looking when you’re hurt. It makes we want to kick-“ Kim kicked Tim in the stomach. He gave her the satisfaction of doubling up. “-you again!” Kim sighed. “Well, you know, I can’t do this forever. Why don’t we save time and cut straight to the end of the conversation tree? How about it?” said Kim eagerly.

“It’d save … me some pain…,” Tim croaked.

“Oh, don’t worry, about that Tim! Te duele mucho tu cuerpo ahora? No, va a dolerte mas en el futuro!”

“Te quiero tambien….”

“Oh, shut up.” Kim kicked him again for the heck of it.

*****

Nearby, the battlefield raged. Russian spearmen supported by their garrisons, archers, and swift horsemen, aptly defended the contest site. General Delinquente began to feel uneasy about victory. The troops they had were few. And a few more hadn’t even reached the battlefield yet. If only they could hold out, but not retreat, for a few more hours…. Delinquente gave the signal to the swordsmen to hold their ground. Hopefully, their shields would be enough. The horsemen began to charge. Grenoble was under attack.

*****

York was easy! He didn’t even need ancient cavalry to smash up the English defenses. And get their slaves. Ooh, it was so fun! Everywhere his army traveled, everyone kept running away and setting their own houses on fire just to make sure he didn’t get the pleasure. Napoleon pouted at this thought and contemplated how he could better squish the English bugs. Maybe he’d invent bug spray one day. One button and pow-pow kaboom, they’d be dead! It was a wonderful thought indeed.

*****

In the Ultimate Writing Challenge Judges Room:

“Well, it’s been a wonderful indeed,” said Elizabeth. “I never knew these people could tell stories so well!”

“Hee-haw! Hee-haw! Wonderful indeed!”

“This was a most brilliant idea, Catherine. I commend you for this,” Cleopatra added.

“Don’t be silly, Cleopatra! Your Egyptian writers tell the best tales ever. All about this Osiris and that Isis, and such nonsense.”

“Heh heh heh! Yeah! They were the best tales that I’ve ever read, which surprisingly number very few.”

Cleopatra could not surpress her anger. Her harsh tone echoed through the room and caused even a few writers in the hall to jump. Cleopatra warned them, “Take heed how you so casually deride the Egyptian gods, for later, they will bask in your misery, fools!”

“Well, I for one, think that Catholicism is better than odd hieroglyphic flat people that only can look either left or right,” said Isabella haughtingly.

“Uh, but I need to marry multiple times,” shrieked Elizabeth. “Protestant Christianity is obviously the best religion!”

“I hate to burst your saliva bubbles, ladies, but-“

“You stay out of this, baby eater!” the women shouted.

“But that’s Montezuma,” Pachacuti complained.

“You’re all the same, you know,” said Cleopatra. “Pagans.” She rolled her eyes.

“Aw, you’re so mean!”

“But it’s true!” said Catherine smugly.

*****

Since this chapter is to be paired with another. Pictures shall come in Chapter 17, which hopefully will be up in a matter of days. This one should be sufficiently long to get people back to reading. This has a lot of references to previous chapters, so I suggest a full re-read? Well, I hope you like it.

Dude! You've posted again! Beeyah!

Yup! It's amazing, isn't it? That must mean that you read again! Wonderful! Now, if I could only get the rest of my audience back. Too bad Archsage Esca has to die though.

The probable title for the next chapter:
Chapter Seventeen: Turmoil in the Fiery French Nation

Obviously, this will be the end of the attack on the Russian town, the name of which is unknown. Probably this will spell the end of Lizzie. And it may have something to do with replacing Archsage Esca.

Oh yes, I got the GLib. to those who doubted me.

at Napoleon in England. Very creative.

Great story so far. Really enjoying it.