Prime Minister's Address to the Public
<Announcer> Citizens of Her Majesty's Empire, I now present to you your Prime Minister, Christofoor De Vries, fresh from his state visit to The Ukraine.
<De Vries> Thank you, thank you, you're a fantastic audience. I appreciate the applause, I consider it my life's soundtrack. Yes, even you, fat guy in the back. Everyone sees you. Jesus, lose some weight you pig. We're trying to make the Mongol commies out on the steppes look bad, not us. Come on, twenty pounds, it's not hard.
<De Vries> Alright, enough of me talking about you. Let's talk about me, that's exciting right? Of course it is. Game time! Do you know what this is, this in my hand? No? You all lose. Every one of you. I win, but that's not special. I always win. I'm Christofoor *********ing De Vries. Well because I'm such a nice guy I'll tell you, it's a statue. Know why I got this statue? The Danes gave it to me. Because I took the war between them in the Germans, you following me? I took their war. I turned it into peace. I am a peacemaker. One and only, folks. You leave here tonight, you go to bed knowing your Prime Minister got another statue to add to his collection. Collection of several thousand. More statues than you, more statues than your mother, more statues than those dirty commie heads of state get in a lifetime. In fact, I consider this a statue arms race. Come on you horse-lovers, come and get it.
<De Vries> You know what they get statues for over there? Come on, I'll let you guess.
<Crowd> We don't know, Prime Minister De Vries!
<De Vries> Hahahaha, but no seriously, of course you don't. We don't pay you to run this country, you just vote. For me! You vote for me, or else you wouldn't be here. And if you didn't, then you damn well better in the next election, or the commies'll get you. But seriously, they get statues for seeing whose horse can crap gold. No poor fellow has ever won a statue in the entirety of their history. Sad place, sad people. Moving on! When I was in The Ukraine, I had the pleasure of meeting with their President. Let me tell you, that guy, he is secretive. Aren't you glad I'm not? Why, I'll gladly tell you just about anything, right here, right now. How many mistresses do I have? Well, last year it was twenty, right now it's thirty. That's right, boys, watch your wives.
<The crowd is hit with a wave of nervous laughter>
<De Vries> Anywho, I'd tell you his name, but then they'd try to kill me. And I'd just end up having to clean the blood of their expertly-trained assassins off of my walls, and that's really a pain in the rear. Also I'm pretty certain it would set back negotiations a bit. We went hunting!
<De Vries> It's just about time for us to wrap up here, I know, I know, parting is sorrow and stuff. Not to worry, I'll be back. I won't be leaving you any time soon, citizens of the Empire. So long as you stay vigilant against communism! Remember, only you can prevent the Red Menace from stealing over this great nation and eating your children like a terrible, dark Marxist god. Well, you, with a little help from me. Scratch that, a lot of help, in fact I think we'll settle for recognizing that I do most of the work. You know, this really is an unhealthy relationship, we ought to see a counselor. Just because I like to throw you guys a bone every once and a while, the Freedom Guard of the Netherlands should keep up the good work. Yeah, you guys go. Whoever you are. God save the Empress!