Orc Onslaught: KA

This story is part of friendly challenge started by Semulin http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=99779. This is my first game using the Warhammer mod and the first I have begun on Emperor level. I don't know if I'll last very long but as I'm playing as the Orcs, one of life's biggest losers, an early brutal death may be somewhat appropriate.


THE BEGINNING. a story of the Ironclaw Orcs by Jizmag Buttcleaver the Half-Orc.

Karag Oran is founded on the orderz of our Big Boss, Gorbad Ironclaw. Karag Oran is founded on a big plain beside a river. We call the plain the "Great Plain" on accounts of it being great and we call the river the "Yella river" on accounts of it being yella in color. Gorbad sayz we are gonna be the biggest and bestest orc tribe of all time.

Gorbad being a brainy boss orders us to make some sharp sticks. The Great Plain ain't no good for Trees so the sharp sticks we make are only big enough for Snotlings.

We send a Snot with a sharp stick up-river and are not happy to discover why our river is yella. A great many “Moos” (cattle) are go doings in our river! We make a big slaughter of the moos and haz a grand feast for many weeks.

Gocook ten-bellies our chief chef creates the "moo-burger". Alas, the moo burger is still waiting on the invention of sliced bread.

A snotling scout finds some good buddies who recognise we are da best. They agree to join and the settlement of Bogradd is formed.

Our Snotling scouts meet the first race of non goblinoids, the “pointy-earz” (Wood Elves). They runz away from uz holding their noses.

Our snots reach spooky woods at the edges of the pointy-earz territory. Our Snots get really windy when confronted by their ugly queen. We make a bargain when we teach the pointy-earz how to master beasts in exchange they teach us aboutz tree-hugging which leads us to form our own mysticism.

Our Gobbo work gangs finish Karak Ungor's first road. It draws many goblinoids from all over the slums of Karak Ungor to gaze with awe at the road. No one seems to notice that the road doesn't actually go anywhere.

The Gobbo work gang completes a road to the plains of the “Trumpety Stompers” (elephants). This makes all the boyz mighty glad and whoopy. We send out some hunting parties to bring home the Trumpety Stompers long fangs for our ladies.

Some fancy Orcsy boyz develop a new custom. They getz dressed in bestest gear and new ivory necklaces and spend all day swaggering up and down them new roads. They callz it “Promenading”.

Gorbad wisest of bosses decides to block in the pointy-earz between the mountains and the sea. He orders lots of Snots up in that area. They formz wot is known az "The Thin Green Line of Snot".

We reinforce the thin green line and sendz a Snot into pointy-earz country. He is mighty windy and tearful but is persuaded by the pointy sticks.

-900 IC
Googbag BigHead our Shaman decides that we should start recording time like the pointy-earz. It is now 900 IC. All boyz are glad coz now they gets birthdays.

We develop a warrior code. Gorbad decides that Snots although good scouts are lousy fighters. He forms a new order called the "Gobbo Guard". The Gobbo Guard are armed by lashing two snotling pointy sticks together using the tongues of their former owners. Once the Snots have been removed of their pointy sticks our boys get back to fumpin em big style.

-875 IC
Karag Oran builds a brewery. It's speciality is "Brainmasher Beer" produced from fermented elephant's milk.

Our scouts in elf territory run into some “skinny dead stiffs” (skeletons). There is a short scuffle which our snots amazingly win. They bring back some bones to Karag Oran as proof of their victory. This leads Googbag BigHead to develop a musical instrument called the “Xylobone”. Karag Oran haz a big party with Brainmasher and the xylobone accompyaning the “Boozy Burpers”.

-825 IC
Karag Oran is getting too big and there is lots of fights. Gorbad decides to split the town in two.

-600 IC
The settlement of Fegg is founded in the “wooly bugger” (sheep) country. The inhabitants of Fegg are mockingly known as “Sheep Feggers” by the inhabitants of Karag Ungor. Thus begins a long enmity between Fegg and Karag Ungor.

Googbag BigHead develops the idea for a sport called “Snotling Ball” which involves tying up a snotling and kicking him around.

-500 IC
Our Snot scouts go many miles through thick leafy green stuff. They meet two new non orcs, the Chaos and the Westerlanders. The Chaos seem like nice folk and only eat one of the Snotling scouts. The Westerlanders are a race who call themselves "humming beings". Once the Snot reports reach Karag Oran we all laugh coz we know that they live in the North and not the West yet call themselves Westerlanders. Even Snots ain't that stupid, snort, snort.

Googbag BigHead revolutionizes the sport of Snotling Ball by introducing the “offside rule”.

-400 IC
A group of boys decides to split from the Karag Oran settlement and set out to form another village.

-300 IC
Borzag is founded south of Karag Oran. The citizens of Karag Oran fail to think up a witty name to give to the inhabitants of that settlement.

-275 IC
Googbag Bighead’s team of under-shamans think up Mining so far our boyz fail to find any shiny things in Ironclaw territory, boo-hoo.

-225 IC
Gobbo work gangs make roads right into the heart of wooly bugger country. This makes the orc boyz of Fegg very happy but their missuzes ain’t happy when the orc boyz disappear from their beds every second night.

-150 IC
The boys of Karag Oran laugh when they hear that the Bogradd Boys are covered in boils and dying in their thousands.


That's all for now. I'll post pictures of the thin green line, the trumpety stompers and other things later today.

This is great! Keep it up. Now we are Four. The Four Orcs of Apocalypse.

thanks I'll keep going until I'm squished. Everyone apart from westerlanders is way ahead of me on tech but the main thing is I'm having some fun. i haven't looked in on your thread yet or any of the other guys but I'll need to have a peep to see how you are getting on.

This follows on 175 years after the end of the beginning when the orcs of Karag Oran finally stopped laughing at the orcs of Bogradd (nothing much else happened in my game apart from exploring).

The next bit of our story (or if the orcs had developed counting it would be called the second bit)

+25 IC
Scout reports reach Karag Oran of a great desert in the north. Inspired by this news, Gocook Ten-bellies invents the “Banana Split”. Just don’t ask him where he gets his bananas (it involves Snotlings).

+50 IC
We make a deal with the Elves. They give us Pottery for 6 gold per turn and all our money in our treasury. The deal broker’s head is put on a spike 1 year later when we find ourselves in debt.

+75 IC
Due to mismanagement of the treasury, Fegg has to give up its shrine. Googbag BigHead in a drug induced state mumbles something about finding the “Black Adder” from the futur’ to help us manage our funds better.

+125 IC
Skabbad is founded. Karag Oran callz em “The Scabbies”, very funny, haarr, harr, fnaarr.

+75 IC
The Dirty Feggers have a big scuffle and riot which is only broken up by Brainmasher Beer brought in from Karag Oran.

+250 IC
We meet other Hummings, the Arabyans, who live across the great desert.

+350 IC
Bruglodd is founded.

+570 we dropz the "IC" bit from our datez coz we don't know wot it meanz.
Archaon, all round good guy of Chaos offers us Chronicles for 220- gold. Googbag BigHead pees himself with excitement at this news. He gets some black books from Archaon and we don’t sees him for many moons.

Rokyug is founded just south of the “Yug Rocks”

+590
Googbag BigHead comes back after many moons, smellier than ever and speaking words no one understands. Gorbad decides to make him dead-stiff but changes his mind when Goggbag reveals the secrets of Smithing.

We find new iron-stuff near Rokyug. No more pointy sticks for our lads, we is getting serious smashing gear from now on.

+620
Elves breach the Thin Green line by coming over the other side of the mountains. This is now known as the Sneaky Pass. The Thin Green line is broken up to go block their settlers.

+690
Gragath founded just south of pointy ears land to prevent pointy-eared expansion in that area.

+700
Pointy Eared settlers are all over our land and in the south there is a great eruption of Giant Six Legged Freaks (spiders). All mutterings of bad omens are dismissed by Gorbad who orders the formation of a new warrior caste- the Black Orcs! The Black Orcs even make our own boys windy and tearful and they get the newest weapons our smiths can produce. The war cry of the black orcs is YUG, YUG,YUG! Named after the area where their weapons come from (Rokyug).

Six legged freaks suck the juices from one of our gobbo work gangs. We hope that the six legged freaks go for the pointy ears next.

+730
We found the settlement of Hyragoth to prevent pointy eared expansion in our southern lands. The Hyragoth Snot Guard is attacked and almost defeated by skinny dead-stiffs.

The Six legs go after the pointy earz and they go crying off into the woods, yay!

Now we have black orcs, Gocook Ten-bellies finds a new use for useless Snots and their pointy sticks when he creates the “snot-on-a-stick”. We finds out Arabyans have something similar that they call the “kebab” but their’s taste like trumpet-stomper-doings.

+760
Feggers get unhappy when spiders “intefere” with some sheep. They cheer up when they discover that the sucked out remains of a sheep can be used to make nice wooly coats for their missuz. Missuz is pleased too now that Feggers disappear less at nights but are slightly annoyed about having to wear warm woolies in bed.

+800
Westerlanders are now in our lands, the race is on for settling in the southern tip.

Snot on a stick replaces the moo-burger as the favoured food of the masses. Gocook Ten-bellies capitalizing on this idea develops the super-sized version of snot on a stick, gobbo-on-a-stick. It’s a bit too much for some boyz but is a favourite among the Black Orcs.

Some Black Orc boys get their juices sucked by the spiders (over consumption of junk food seems to have adveresly affected their fighting ability). The spiders are now bigger and fatter. We also lose some boyz hoping to settle in the southern tip.

+940
We settle the other bit of free land in the east of our country and have a settler heading for the southern tip. Just before he can get there Arabyans land in floaty-things and settle the southernmost point of the southern tip. Gorbad is furious. This could be WAR!


And that's where I'll leave this chapter. I'll post a screenie of the orc lands tonight.

Great writing - love the "snot on a stick and banan split without bananas stuff". good luck - hope you survive long (or win), because it would be a pity if this story would end too soon. Looking forward for your latest screenie so I get an impression of your status - from reading, I'd say things don't look hopeless, but not too good either :/

thanks BA (hope you don't mind me calling you that). I'm playing for laughs more than glory. It's my first emperor level game and I am doing badly but I still have a few low-cunning tricks up my sleeve. The game has reached a critical stage and I'll need to take the orc ladz to war - if I sit on my posterior at this point I lose for sure. Gocook is bound to come up with many more mouth watering dishes so keep reading

Da state of Da Nation

+950
Gorbad makes himself "Warboss" and calls for a gathering at Karag Oran to find out "da state of da nation". Thus come Bruglodders, Borzaggers, Feggers, Skabbies, Boggies, Skraggers, Yoggers, Yuggers and Gragathers to Karag Oran. The news he receives makes him mad:

Settlements: 2 hands worth (or 10 in normal language).
Fighting Forces: 9 Gobbo Guards; 7 Stick Bearing Snots and 4 Black Orcs.
Inventions (excluding culinary dishes): Domestication; Warrior Code; Mining; Mysticism; Chronicles; Stone Working; Farming; Pottery; (Irrigation soon).

Gorbad says "we must stop eatin each other and start eatin only others" (this is quite a radical suggestion for orc minds). "We will build many fightin' boyz and attack the pointy earz". "We will paint the land with their juices". Everyone then gets whoopy and drunk on Brainmasher and starts fightin each other until sun up (some snotlings unfortunately get eatin, old habits die hard unlike old snotlings who die squealing).

-600 IC
The settlement of Fegg is founded in the “wooly bugger” (sheep) country. The inhabitants of Fegg are mockingly known as “Sheep Feggers” by the inhabitants of Karag Ungor. Thus begins a long enmity between Fegg and Karag Ungor.


can't stop laughing...

whatever you do, keep writing, and keep that style. It's bloody amazing.

sheep feggers...

thanks Kjarjan for enjoying the story. I'll try to keep it up.

Preparations for the big war but first the Orcs getz clevur

+960
Gorbad coins a new phrase “keeping on ice” to explain his plans for attacking the Wood Elves instead of the Arabyans first. It amusez all us boyz to watch the desert dwellers shiver in the icy plains of the southern tip.

We discover that we can use water to irrigate the land. No longer does we need to use our own fluids. Surprisingly our crops grow much quicker now.

Arabyans send an “am-bass-adur” to Karag Oran. We soon wipes the smile off his ugly face when we show him his quarters. Gorbad decides that these am-bass-adurs might be useful in gaining allies for our upcoming warz with the elves so he gets Googbag to look into it. Imagine our amazement when…

Ariel ask us for the secrets of irrigation, we nearly tellz her to go pee in her fields but she is offering something called “Civul Servus- what the fegg is that” plus Riding and more gold than we can count (11 gold). Googbag says this is a good deal so weez accepts.

After we getz past the amazement that uz orcs have discovered something that no one else haz we goes to the Westerlandurs and offers irrigation to them (we keep our own “secret irrigation” to ourselves). In return they teaches us how to go ballistic, which we thought our chief Gorbad already knew. Archaon the chaos funster offers us “emm-iss-urr-ies” for irrigation. We is so delighted by this that we offerz him our secret irrigation. He makes our deal broker open his bladder on the spot, unfortunately he didn’t survive the big spike driven through his body, oh well. We offers irrigation to Araby next, youz might think they would be desperate to bring life to their dry land but we haz to give em 52 gold plus 2 gold per turn for them to give uz Astrology.

The origin of Wolf Riders
For a long time now, wolves were known to live in the forest between Karag Oran and Fegg; occassionaly they would even come out of the forest at night to eat some of the Fegger's sheep. Everyone thought the wolves were too vicious to be put to any use but Googbag being influenced by the elvish idea of Riding suggested that we could ride on ‘em. A road already lay through the forest but it was not often travelled (most smart orcs took the northern road by way of the town of Skabbad). Gobbo hunting parties were assigned the dangerous task of entering the woods and bringing home wolf cubs to be raised and trained back in our settlements.

+1040
Googbag our Shaman (and now chief Astrologer) felt a strange disturbance which wazn't related to his breakfast that morning: “it was as if a million voices cried out all at once and then were silenced”. Reports reach us that The Empire has been destroyed – probably by da Rebel forces but we dontz care.

+1050
Preparations for the upcoming war proceed as a new regiment is founded, the “Arra Boyz” consisting of Gobbo Archers.

The Onslaught Begins (including the first Orc-Elven conflict)
+1190
Chaos declares war on Araby. Gorbad never being one to pass up a ride on a hurtling bandwagon sends an am-bass-adur to Khorinaun and declares war on Araby. Our am-bass-adur gets there just in time to see the Chaos Moon (a Great Wonder) appearing in the sky.

+1220
The Arabyan colony of Sudrat is captured.
The Arabyan Nights
For each sunfall for the next 1001 moons an Arabyan colonist was slowly tortured till they went all screechy and eventually deadstiff. The Arabyan ambassadur got a front row seat every night until he meetz the same fate on the last night. Our chroniclers will eventually writez all these goings on in a book they callz "The 1001 Arabyan Nights”.

+1240
Gocook coins a new phrase “revenge is a dish best served cold” to introduce his latest culinary treat, “frozen Arabyan dippers”.

+1260
Sudrat renamed Sodrat after many an orc is heard saying “Sudrat? Oh! Sod that” when told that they are to be stationed there.

+1270
Sodrat imports loads of wooly coats from Fegg but still many of the inhabitants don’t survive the winter.

+1320
Bored with the total lack of action from the Arabyans we declare no-war on them.

+1340
Westerland joins the war against Araby. We use this opportunity to declare war on the pointy-earz (at last!).

+1350
We is contacted by other ugly Umans who call themselves the Kislevites. We iz not impressed. They offer us contact with the Dwarfs for 80 gold. We tellz them to get lost.

+1360
We destroy the pointy eared town of Lanue.. Laneu… Lanune… oh fegg. We destroy the pointy eared town that blocked the Sneaky Pass. We collects much head skin with hair on it and ties it to our belts. We paints their juices all over the pass and we renames it Red Pass.

Battle Report from Sneaky Pass
Lost: 3 Wolf Riders and 2 Black Orcs. Killed: 5 Glade Guards, 3 Archers and 1 Horsey. Captured 6 pointy earz for workers or food on the march..

+1370
The pointy-earz counterattack fiercely. We lose 4 Wolf boyz; 5 Black Orcs; 3 Arra boyz and 1 Goblin Guard and only kill 2 Archers and 3 Horseys.

+1390
We don’t make any further progress into pointy-earz territory, their forces are very fast moving and keep coming at us but we remains bold and slay many of them but many more run away when injured which annoys uz greatly. A great Mage comes with them all sparking from his hands but is stopped by a Black Orc.

+1410
We make no-war with elves knowing it won’t last long. Once we build our forces back up again we will attack.
overall losses
Elves: 27, Orcs: 25
1 Wood Elf settlement destroyed

The elves build another of their tree towns just above Red Pass.

This is pure comedic genius! I'm laughing my self silly with the orc comentary, you hit the nail on the head.

It's also great to see how different the games are. The westerlanders eventually settled on the southern tip of my lands, not the Arabyans. I'll have to get more posted on my story tonight.

Keep up the Great Work KA!

Great work

Now why don't you indulge us by adding screenshots not in attachments?

@Semulin -thanks for the comments. I agree with you that it's interesting to see how differently each of the games are turning out. I just hope you have more success than me against the elves who need bashed early and often.
@MSTK - I think I know what you're on about and I'll try to do that from now on.

1550 the southern border of Loren.
Captain Glorihol Leylandii led his Glade Riders swiftly and silently through the woods. He had been assigned the task of destroying the invading orc force who now polluted the southern border of Loren. Once the invaders were eradicated he would ride on to the stinking orc settlement on Loren's southern border and burn it to the ground. There many trees would be planted and the land claimed for the wood elves.

Glorihol was thought ideal for the task, at an early age he had horrified his teachers and parents with his aggressive nature. He was sent to military school after one particularly shocking incident when the young Glorihol was caught, in one of the royal glades, pulling the heads off an entire field of orchids . Glorihol was also a veteran of the last orc war and knew how to deal with the savages. They would come in slow moving columns and all he had to do was keep hitting and running until they were worn down. If any of his troops were injured they could retreat through the woods out of reach of the orcs until their wounds were healed.

Up ahead was a clearing and predictably the orcs stood as one large fiercesome black mass. Glorihol ordered his hornbearer to signal the charge. First into the clearing came the Glade Riders determined to overrun the black orcs. Archers and glade guards followed the riders moving almost as fast as their horses. Suddenly, the front rank of the orcs parted and a storm of arrows was unleashed from a previously unseen mass of goblin archers. Some of the elves panicked but most continued on, hurling themselves upon the now reformed line of orcs. These orcs however, were veterans of the first war and although many took severe injuries their lines stood unbroken.

Glorihol ordered his horn bearer to signal the retreat - he would rest his forces and regroup for another attack the day after. However, just as the signal was issued the front ranks of the orcs parted for a second time. An expression of horror developed on Glorihol's face as this time not arrows but hordes of wolves with goblin riders issued forth, chasing down and killing every one of the fleeing elves. Glorihol's face still held that expression of horror as one particularly large wolf ripped his head savagely from his body.

Wow - great update - I love the variety between humour and seriousness in the different points of view - keep it up

Normal service will be resumed soon

I had just finished a 300 year war and was in that kind of mood.

Long Live Da HORDE!

The 2nd Orc-Elf War 1550 – 1850
overall losses: Elves: 77, Orcs: 64. 2 Elf towns captured and 2 (including the capital) are razed.

1605
Hordes of Black Orcs, Wolf Riders and Arra Boyz stream out of Gragath. They take the pointy-earz town (Githdelerath) north of Red Pass.

We meetz many strange races: Giant Frog people (Slann), more Elves (even more annoying and snooty than the Woodies), Sylvanians (who put the word humming in “humming-beings”) as well as some fellow greenskins who are ruled by a Gobbo! We needz to teach this tribe that greenskins should only be ruled by Orcs.

1615
Our forces push towards the large southern Elf town of Sith Fascoluinne and meet some resistance from Elf Riders but they are dealt with by a combined arms force of Black Orcs, Arra Boyz and Wolf Riders (see story of Glorihol in previous post).

1635
Dakaarg founded on the ruins of Sith Fascoluinne.
A source of Spice is found near Dakaarg - Gocook creates the first curry dish using snotlings.

Westerland is being beaten up badly by Araby but are not yet completely wiped out.

1700
An envoy from Archaon visits Karag Oran all silent-grinning and makin pain-threats at uz. He demands 22 gold or else. We payz this amount coz we don’t want to fight Chaos and Elves at the same time.

Rokyug builds orc’s first marketplace. Gocook starts up a stall selling his latest recipe: Elf-Rider Pie (an assorted meat product). This creates huge throngs of orcs to the market. The following week Gocook introduces the Limited Edition Curried Elf-Rider Pie (story is that elf and horse meat was becoming rarer and the "meat" that he waz using was best disguised with curry flavour). The ensuing stampede and fighting among potential buyers leads to the market being renamed "The Maul".

1725
The wood elf town of Naeith (how do you say that then) is taken after fierce fighting and heavy losses on both sides. It is later renamed Dregruk for no particular reason other than no one can pronounce Naeith.

First Wolf Chariots built in Karag Oran. They is sent straight to the frontline.

1765
First orc library at Hrothyogg is built. Still not got many books but if youz asks the librarian nicely he lets you see the picture books what he keeps under his desk, you knowz, the ones with orc ladies with not many clothes on. Googbag moves to Hrothyogg to pursue his "studies".

1800
Googbag announces his discovery of Magic with the words "see I was studying". He immediately begins training Shamans in the new arts of magic.

1805
A golden age for us Orcs begins as our Wolf Chariots win a big battle to capture the Elf town of Athel Tamarha. Other than gaining a golden age we think chariots are naff and don’t bother building any more. Some Shamans were in the battle but they performed so badly (one got killed, the other blew himself up and the third just waved his arms about ineffectively). Gorbad cheers up the troops by perforrming his one and only magic trick "sawing the shaman in half".

1820
The Wood Elf capital of Athel Loren is captured and burnt to the ground. The orc settlement of Broken Earz is founded on the site of the old wood elf capital.

We makes the Elves pay dearly for no-war and get secrets of Ship Building, Siege Craft, Meteoric Iron and Blood Bowl from them. Many Elf prisoners are sacrificed to the gods and the celebrations last many months.

Orders are given to reinforce the new towns in the former Elf territory with barracks, walls and keeps. This is not so much to counter any threats from the puny Elves but to defend against any aggression from Araby who now borders the lands they took from Westerland to the North. We use our golden age to build improvements in our other towns (marketplaces, mills, librarys and town halls) and buy the secrets of Steel from the High Elves. We upgrade our Black Orcs with shiny new armour and better weapons.

1825
Slann declare war on uz but we don’t even know where they lives or we’d send round the ladz. We thought we could be allies since they is green like uz, now we will have to bash ‘em.

Just to let everyone know I usually edit my stuff once posted so if you just read the emails you might miss a picture, or a "joke" or two (then again).