BammBamm
President of Bammsylvania
Took a deep breath, and I launched a new game. My Civ began Settler & Scout.
Beyond horizon, not much could we see. Twas humble beginnings, no doubt.
Sat about learning the ins and the outs, of carving the stone into wheel.
Scouts ventured forward, exploring the land; back home, things were strange no surreal.
Four-legged beasties began showing up, around the outskirts of our village.
Soonafter, club-wielding, two-legged types, seemed hell-bent on plunder and pillage.
We saw the banners they carried aloft: Eerie white skull on black border.
Trust me, my friends, it was more than enough, to upset our staid social order.
Spooked, shaken, wakened, aware of the threat, we chose to divert our attention,
Toward facing the menace that lurked in the fog: An evil too wicked to mention.
One day, bright kid, name of Beau, from our tribe, presented Chief Bamm with an arrow.
What does it do?, he then queried the lad.
It flies through the air like a sparrow.
Beau whipped out his bow, an ingenious device that hed fashioned from curved wood and string,
And he flung that arrow a good 80 yards: A truly remarkable thing.
Bagged me a deer with it, day after last. It dropped like a flea-bitten fly.
Good news, said Bamm. I like what I see. Would you mind if I gave it a try?
Sevral weeks later, his skill much improved, a fateful decision was made.
Im forming this tribes very first Delta Force: Bammsylvanian Archer Brigade.
So BAB hit the trail (Bamm & two of his mates), and, cresting the top of Hill Hootie,
They spotted three punks with those scary black flags. Its ON! Imma kick me some BOOTY!
DOUCHEBAGS! Bamm roared, while he reached for his quiver. Come up here; lets see wotchyu got!
The Cro-Magnons didnt pass halfway uphill, before the last dickhead was shot.
High-fiving each other, and heading back home, while sparking a tightly-rolled fattie,
BAB, lo and behold, they arrived at a place that the locals had named Cinncinnati.
WHAT in the HELL!?!, Bamm exclaimed, all bewildered. This town never was here, before!
But there sure enough was a burgeoning burgh, stuck firmly on Lake Locos shore.
Greetings, you all. My name, it is George, said duder, in dusted, white wig.
Let us be friends and good neighbors, or else: Ill snap you in-two, like a twig.
Fuming, Chief Bamm nearly opened a large can of Woop-Ass on Washingtons arse.
But, counting to ten very quickly three times, he thought, I cannot fathom this farce.
Yeah, man whatever. Just dontchyu be frontin, said Bamm, as they went on their way.
Stay off our land, cholo, mind your own binnis, and chill, because Homey dont play.
Back on the trail, the BAB crew lamented the fact that outsiders had come.
Guy killed my buzz WHAT A WANKER! Bamm yelled; then he broke out a bottle of rum.
Worn-out, exhausted, the archers returned home to find that their hamlet had grown.
And wouldnt you know it our scouts had arrived back from searching the Great Big Unknown.
Whadja find out, guys? Hey gimme the scoop, bottom line-it, straight-up 4-1-1.
Well, sir, we learned about copper, you see, and now know how bronze-working is done.
Entered one village, just over the river. I tell ya: Their bitches look nasty!"
They ALL could use some deodorant, lipstick, BOTOX, and severe rhinoplasty!
Okay; its settled: We need to expand, and to claim some more land of our own.
Listen: Excuse Lady Pebbles and me, cause Im fikkin to give her the bone.
Nine full moons later, she queefed-out the triplets a truly bizarre-looking lot.
One fully-grown man with beard, some young kid, not to mention a chick who was hot.
Crack squad of archers escorted the trio, ensuring their journeyd be safe.
Reached destination in four turns good thing cause their thighs were beginning to chafe.
Animal Husbandry, next on our list, allowed us to fence-in some cattle.
Also, some ponies appeared on our map. Hey these might just so help us in battle.
Learning to ride these wild horses would take time & patience, Im tellin ya whut.
Til then, wed tie em to spartan rickshaws and give it the name chariot.
4,000BC, from humble beginnings, our once-tiny culture had grown.
3K years later, with borders expanded, we learnt that we werent alone.
Yanks to our left, with the Krauts down below us; some Celtic gal, showin off cleavage.
Then, theres Victoria, monarch from England, whose face could induce major heavage.
ALL were competing for precious resources: For food, iron, gems even water.
Some sodding twunts made the daffy demand: Cough it up, or prepare for the slaughter.
We do not tolerate threats, veiled or not, (now King Bamm) explained to these leaders.
Go find your OWN stuff; quit bothering us, you ******ed, diphorsehocky bottom feeders.
Quite often, rulers seemed harmless enough and, many times, sought open borders.
Most of em traded for various things; a few of them though outright hoarders.
Suddenly, self-righteous, pious gonads, began to influence our people.
Showed up to peddle their mystical musings; convert thinking men into sheeple.
The citizens, some of them cried out, Too crowded! Were pissed-off! You treat us like slaves!
You need to do something to give us some hope, or youll send us to earlier graves!
Oh Jesus H. Christ, King Bamm thought to himself. Why cant they RELAX just a smidgen!?!
Say, honey? Queen Pebbles asked of her husband, Why dont you invoke a religion?
The king, he went silent, a minute or two, and then with a big, somber sigh,
Reluctantly said, Okay, let us pray to Invisible Man in the Sky.
Heed me, my subjects! I want you to hear this: From now on, in good Bammsylvania:
Were sending out dudes dressed in black with white collars, so listen: Theyre out there to train ya.
Slowly, but surely, throughout all the land, from Bammston to Greater Dummkopf,
The folks were less cranky, and then went orgasmic, when Bamm let em have Sundays off.
Then, Saladin, Arab, the King of the Jews, he wondered why we were eschewing,
His favorite faith Judaism no less. One sensed there was trouble a-brewing.
Start reading the Torah! he bellowed aloud. And grow curly sideburns today!
Theres only one God OURS you misguided loser. Convert. Be a Jew right away!
You listen-up, Sally, King Bamm answered calmly. Take you and your unleavened bread
on out of my kingdom you hear me, paisano? before I go upside your head.
King Bamm doesnt *like* it when folks make demands, or tell him just how he should live.
Keeps friends of his close, but his enemies closer; that way, he can shove-home the shiv.
Add insult to injury Izzy shows up with mandate to switch to Buddhism.
She says, You will pray to the Buddha from now on, or suffer a great cataclysm.
I like Isabella no really I do. Shes sexy: A sight to behold.
But I wont bow down to some fat, grinning plonker with flabby man-boobs made of gold!
(Stay tuned for Chapter II: It Gets Even Worser)
Beyond horizon, not much could we see. Twas humble beginnings, no doubt.
Sat about learning the ins and the outs, of carving the stone into wheel.
Scouts ventured forward, exploring the land; back home, things were strange no surreal.
Four-legged beasties began showing up, around the outskirts of our village.
Soonafter, club-wielding, two-legged types, seemed hell-bent on plunder and pillage.
We saw the banners they carried aloft: Eerie white skull on black border.
Trust me, my friends, it was more than enough, to upset our staid social order.
Spooked, shaken, wakened, aware of the threat, we chose to divert our attention,
Toward facing the menace that lurked in the fog: An evil too wicked to mention.
One day, bright kid, name of Beau, from our tribe, presented Chief Bamm with an arrow.
What does it do?, he then queried the lad.
It flies through the air like a sparrow.
Beau whipped out his bow, an ingenious device that hed fashioned from curved wood and string,
And he flung that arrow a good 80 yards: A truly remarkable thing.
Bagged me a deer with it, day after last. It dropped like a flea-bitten fly.
Good news, said Bamm. I like what I see. Would you mind if I gave it a try?
Sevral weeks later, his skill much improved, a fateful decision was made.
Im forming this tribes very first Delta Force: Bammsylvanian Archer Brigade.
So BAB hit the trail (Bamm & two of his mates), and, cresting the top of Hill Hootie,
They spotted three punks with those scary black flags. Its ON! Imma kick me some BOOTY!
DOUCHEBAGS! Bamm roared, while he reached for his quiver. Come up here; lets see wotchyu got!
The Cro-Magnons didnt pass halfway uphill, before the last dickhead was shot.
High-fiving each other, and heading back home, while sparking a tightly-rolled fattie,
BAB, lo and behold, they arrived at a place that the locals had named Cinncinnati.
WHAT in the HELL!?!, Bamm exclaimed, all bewildered. This town never was here, before!
But there sure enough was a burgeoning burgh, stuck firmly on Lake Locos shore.
Greetings, you all. My name, it is George, said duder, in dusted, white wig.
Let us be friends and good neighbors, or else: Ill snap you in-two, like a twig.
Fuming, Chief Bamm nearly opened a large can of Woop-Ass on Washingtons arse.
But, counting to ten very quickly three times, he thought, I cannot fathom this farce.
Yeah, man whatever. Just dontchyu be frontin, said Bamm, as they went on their way.
Stay off our land, cholo, mind your own binnis, and chill, because Homey dont play.
Back on the trail, the BAB crew lamented the fact that outsiders had come.
Guy killed my buzz WHAT A WANKER! Bamm yelled; then he broke out a bottle of rum.
Worn-out, exhausted, the archers returned home to find that their hamlet had grown.
And wouldnt you know it our scouts had arrived back from searching the Great Big Unknown.
Whadja find out, guys? Hey gimme the scoop, bottom line-it, straight-up 4-1-1.
Well, sir, we learned about copper, you see, and now know how bronze-working is done.
Entered one village, just over the river. I tell ya: Their bitches look nasty!"
They ALL could use some deodorant, lipstick, BOTOX, and severe rhinoplasty!
Okay; its settled: We need to expand, and to claim some more land of our own.
Listen: Excuse Lady Pebbles and me, cause Im fikkin to give her the bone.
Nine full moons later, she queefed-out the triplets a truly bizarre-looking lot.
One fully-grown man with beard, some young kid, not to mention a chick who was hot.
Crack squad of archers escorted the trio, ensuring their journeyd be safe.
Reached destination in four turns good thing cause their thighs were beginning to chafe.
Animal Husbandry, next on our list, allowed us to fence-in some cattle.
Also, some ponies appeared on our map. Hey these might just so help us in battle.
Learning to ride these wild horses would take time & patience, Im tellin ya whut.
Til then, wed tie em to spartan rickshaws and give it the name chariot.
4,000BC, from humble beginnings, our once-tiny culture had grown.
3K years later, with borders expanded, we learnt that we werent alone.
Yanks to our left, with the Krauts down below us; some Celtic gal, showin off cleavage.
Then, theres Victoria, monarch from England, whose face could induce major heavage.
ALL were competing for precious resources: For food, iron, gems even water.
Some sodding twunts made the daffy demand: Cough it up, or prepare for the slaughter.
We do not tolerate threats, veiled or not, (now King Bamm) explained to these leaders.
Go find your OWN stuff; quit bothering us, you ******ed, diphorsehocky bottom feeders.
Quite often, rulers seemed harmless enough and, many times, sought open borders.
Most of em traded for various things; a few of them though outright hoarders.
Suddenly, self-righteous, pious gonads, began to influence our people.
Showed up to peddle their mystical musings; convert thinking men into sheeple.
The citizens, some of them cried out, Too crowded! Were pissed-off! You treat us like slaves!
You need to do something to give us some hope, or youll send us to earlier graves!
Oh Jesus H. Christ, King Bamm thought to himself. Why cant they RELAX just a smidgen!?!
Say, honey? Queen Pebbles asked of her husband, Why dont you invoke a religion?
The king, he went silent, a minute or two, and then with a big, somber sigh,
Reluctantly said, Okay, let us pray to Invisible Man in the Sky.
Heed me, my subjects! I want you to hear this: From now on, in good Bammsylvania:
Were sending out dudes dressed in black with white collars, so listen: Theyre out there to train ya.
Slowly, but surely, throughout all the land, from Bammston to Greater Dummkopf,
The folks were less cranky, and then went orgasmic, when Bamm let em have Sundays off.
Then, Saladin, Arab, the King of the Jews, he wondered why we were eschewing,
His favorite faith Judaism no less. One sensed there was trouble a-brewing.
Start reading the Torah! he bellowed aloud. And grow curly sideburns today!
Theres only one God OURS you misguided loser. Convert. Be a Jew right away!
You listen-up, Sally, King Bamm answered calmly. Take you and your unleavened bread
on out of my kingdom you hear me, paisano? before I go upside your head.
King Bamm doesnt *like* it when folks make demands, or tell him just how he should live.
Keeps friends of his close, but his enemies closer; that way, he can shove-home the shiv.
Add insult to injury Izzy shows up with mandate to switch to Buddhism.
She says, You will pray to the Buddha from now on, or suffer a great cataclysm.
I like Isabella no really I do. Shes sexy: A sight to behold.
But I wont bow down to some fat, grinning plonker with flabby man-boobs made of gold!
(Stay tuned for Chapter II: It Gets Even Worser)
er. 
