The Story of 18 Civs; the Egyptian Version

1270AD​

More strange events occur
KHALID: It seems the Malinese have been wiped out, my lady.
HATSHEPSUT: Eh? YOU didn’t even tell me they were at war!
KHALID: Well, they’re not.
HATSHEPSUT: Now you’re just being obtuse, saying, Oh well they were at war, but now they’re dead. Who WERE they at war against?
KHALID: No, they were never at war with anyone.
HATSHEPSUT: Well, now I’m confused.
KHALID: I would suspect heavy barbarian activity, my lady.
HATSHEPSUT: Oh. Well, yeah, of course, Khalid. I just thought it was so obvious that it wasn’t worth mentioning. I wonder if the barbarians will convert to Hinduism?

1280AD​

Asoka has a trade offer for Hatshepsut
HATSHEPSUT: Morning, Asoka. I hear your puny vassal got caned by barbarians?
ASOKA: Nothing compared to your fate.
HATSHEPSUT: It is, I agree. Being wiped out by barbarians is nothing compared to winning a Conquest victory.
ASOKA: No. You will fail, but you will fail spectacularly.
HATSHEPSUT: That’s what they pay the big money for.
ASOKA: Speaking of money, we will trade you Theology for 95 Gold + Compass.
HATSHEPSUT: Actually, that sounds alright. You’re on.
ASOKA: On a mission – and it involves you being crushed. (Asoka exits)

HATSHEPSUT: So, Khalid, what do you have for me?
KHALID: Not much.
HATSHEPSUT: It had BETTER be a big deal, or I’m going to attempt to slice your body into equal sevenths. I’ve never managed it before, but I’m getting closer by the day.
KHALID: Erm . . . in that case this is big, bigger than you’ve ever seen! A Great Spy has been born in Mecca. His name is Ephialtes of Trachis, and he is at your command.
HATSHEPSUT: Hmm. I could do with some EPs against China, I think. Send him to Xian at once.
KHALID: OK.
HATSHEPSUT: And Khalid?
KHALID: Yes?
HATSHEPSUT: Don’t waste my time EVER AGAIN with STUPID THINGS like GREAT BLOODY SPIES!
KHALID: OK. In future I’ll just let Ay deal with them.
HATSHEPSUT: Actually, on second thoughts you’re excused. I can’t let Ay go and waste them on culture, that would be sickening. Away with you.

1290AD​

The council meet
HATSHEPSUT: OK, this is a good opportunity to quickly tick off what techs we’ve researched, so let’s get on with it shall we?
KHALID: First after Paper, it was Philosophy.
SCYTHE: And then Printing Press.
AY: And then Banking.
HATSHEPSUT: Not bad, but faster next time. Right, what else is new?

(Genghis Khan enters)

KHAN: I’M new, honey.
HATSHEPSUT: No you’re not. You’re like a broken record. I assume you want us to war with the Chinese?
KHAN: Now that is seriously spooky.
HATSHEPSUT: You had better believe it, Khan. Now off you go.
KHAN: My apologies, oh wise Queen.

(Genghis Khan exits, then re-enters)

KHAN: I just realised – you never said you wouldn’t help?
HATSHEPSUT: Bugger, it must have slipped my mind. I’ll say it now then.
KHAN: Oh darn.

(Genghis Khan exits)

HATSHEPSUT: So, what’s new AND interesting?
SCYTHE: Our new cities are pretty cool.
HATSHEPSUT: Nice! Which cities?
SCYTHE: St. Petersburg was the first to fall, in the northern campaign.
HATSHEPSUT: Fair enough.
SCYTHE: And in the south, Novgorod is now Egyptian.
HATSHEPSUT: This really is too easy.
SCYTHE: One thing, though, the guys are wounded, and pretty knackered. Some are starting to fall behind.
HATSHEPSUT: Slackers. Whip them, or if that doesn’t work, just kill them.
SCYTHE: No, it would be better to make peace and regroup, then make a final push. Catherine should surely capitulate if we took four more of her cities to go with the four we already have. That would make a total of nine cities – she’d be on her knees.
HATSHEPSUT: I can’t argue with that. I’ll make peace in a minute then.
SCYTHE: Good choice.
AY: Am I the only one that noticed that four cities plus four cities doesn’t make . . .
HATSHEPSUT: Shut up Ay, you nitpicker. I don’t even know why I have a cultural advisor, seeing as I just ignore you. Just to pick on, I suppose.
AY: I’m very grateful of course, my lady.

(3 days later and Hatshepsut arrives in the city of Moscow)

CATHERINE: Aha! Zo you ‘ave come to make peace at last?
HATSHEPSUT: Give me everything you got, then start cranking out the soldiers for 10 turns time.
CATHERINE: Gladly. I offer ze worthless city of Munich, 60 Gold, and my world map for peace, Hatshepsut.
HATSHEPSUT: Get in there! I mean, taken, Cathers.
CATHERINE: Until next time then.

1330AD​

Tokugawa is in Egypt
HATSHEPSUT: I see you are annoyed at me, after all. I was going to say.
TOKUGAWA: Ha! You know very little, Hatshepsut. At this very time, the entire Japanese army is at your border, and could strike any moment.
HATSHEPSUT: Now you mention it, I did see that scout nosing around the north.
TOKUGAWA: You may mock Japan. But there will come a time when Japan will mock you. While you stand in chains, a mere slave in the glorious city of Kyoto.
HATSHEPSUT: Yeah. And by then we’ll have won a cultural victory.
TOKUGAWA: Ha! Your culture is puny, that is never going to happen.
HATSHEPSUT: Exactly.
TOKUGAWA: Anyway, you may avert this, by simply gifting Theology to Japan.
HATSHEPSUT: Hmm. No, I’ll take the whole slave thing instead. But you gotta make me.
TOKUGAWA: Would it help if I said Please?
HATSHEPSUT: Very little.
TOKUGAWA: OK, you are rid of me for now. But I will be back.

(Tokugawa exits)

HATSHEPSUT: How does he expect me to give him Theology, when he won’t even give us Open Borders?

(Qin enters)

HATSHEPSUT: Oh, bloody HELL! Not YOU again!
QIN: Yes, indeed it is I, Qin, gracing you with my presence once more. Be thankful to your heathen God that China has found another use for you.
HATSHEPSUT: Do tell.
QIN: We in China have a surplus of Rice. You in Egypt have plenty of Iron. A fair trade, one resource for another, don’t you think?
HATSHEPSUT: Well, Scythe doesn’t think at all, and I don’t reckon that’s beneficial to us.
QIN: How not? Surely the glory of being China’s trading partner should inspire you to make the right decision, just this once?
HATSHEPSUT: Nope. Qin, that’s another non-starter.
QIN: Damn you, Hatshepsut. Damn you and your people forever. (Qin exits)

HATSHEPSUT: And I thought I had anger management problems.

1380AD​

Hatshepsut is furious
HATSHEPSUT: What the HELL?
AY: Erm . . . I said, my lady, that Berlin has, regrettably, decided to revolt and join the French Empire. Such things are unavoidable sometimes.
HATSHEPSUT: Un – bee – liveable. Some cultural advisor you are, Ay.
AY: It does help if you actually listened to me, just the once, my . . .
HATSHEPSUT: No excuses, Ay. I don’t take very well to them.

1400AD​

The council is in triumphant mood
KHALID: We have researched Education, then Liberalism, my lady, and as a result, we get a free technology!
HATSHEPSUT: Yes! Free stuff is almost as good as dead stuff.
KHALID: Erm . . . yes, my lady. Anyway, you should choose a free technology.
HATSHEPSUT: You know what, just this once I think I’ll let you lot choose.
AY: In that case, I vote for Drama.
KHALID: Actually, I agree.
SCYTHE: And me . . . I think.
HATSHEPSUT: WHAT? What a STUPID choice! Well I say we should take Nationalism instead, seeing as it is the most expensive. And I’M queen.
AY: Were you ever really going to let us choose, my lady?
HATSHEPSUT: Of course, as long as your choice was in MY Top 1.
SCYTHE: Oh, fair enough then guys. We can’t complain.
KHALID: Not that we’d dare to anyway.
HATSHEPSUT: See? I do try and be fair to you guys. Now, what else is happening?
AY: A lot of events are happening upon us today, my lady. First off, the Great Engineer Bi Sheng was born in Rome today, and I instructed him to come to Thebes to build the Taj Mahal.
HATSHEPSUT: You had BETTER be able to justify building Wonders?
AY: It doesn’t waste any production, as it will take one turn only to build. Also, it will start a Golden Age, instigating a period of increased production and wealth throughout the Empire.
HATSHEPSUT: You scrape a pass, Ay. What else?
AY: I recommend adopting Vassalage. It allows extra EXPs and Free Military Units.
HATSHEPSUT: Ooh, do that, and then adopt Free Religion as well. It means I don’t have to worry about religion any more.
AY: But my lady . . .
HATSHEPSUT: Shut up, I’ve already decided you dolt, so you needn’t waste your breath.
SCYTHE: Most importantly, we are ready to declare war on Catherine.
HATSHEPSUT: Do it. This has the makings of a good war.
SCYTHE: We should be able to vassalise her soon, my lady.
HATSHEPSUT: Just like Louis. I mean, look how happy he is.
AY: He’s positively in ecstasy I’m sure, my lady.

1410AD​

The council discusses a new work
HATSHEPSUT: Well, I didn’t expect us to be anywhere else than first in Size, Khalid.
KHALID: Hmm. Seems Asoka is now second, and Catherine relegated to fourth behind an unknown.
HATSHEPSUT: Honestly Khalid, no-one CARES! We’re top, s’all that matters.

(Genghis Khan enters)

HATSHEPSUT: Where were you on the Size list, Genghis?
KHAN: Sixth. Not too bad, as you can see.
SCYTHE: Well, that’s four places worse off than us, so there!
KHAN: Tell me, Hatshepsut, do you keep this fool alive out of pity, or out of amusement?
HATSHEPSUT: Not sure, but it’s the same with you. You want us to cancel our Chinese deals, I think?
KHAN: OK, that just proves it wasn’t a fluke the first time. How do you do it?
HATSHEPSUT: My answer is the same as the first time; not gonna happen.
KHAN: A pity.
HATSHEPSUT: Yes, you are pitiful. Now vamoose!

(Genghis Khan exits)

HATSHEPSUT: What news are you annoying me with today, Scythe?
SCYTHE: Well. Seems Catherine managed to raise an army.
HATSHEPSUT: You had better not have LOST any battles! Remember what I said during the Persian war?
SCYTHE: You really expect me to?
HATSHEPSUT: No, but . . . oh, just get on with it.
SCYTHE: We didn’t lose any battles. It’s just Catherine sent quite a good stack towards Novgorod. Unfortunately, quite good is nowhere near enough against us. We annihilated them with Knights.
HATSHEPSUT: Thank God I planned for that, eh Scythe?
SCYTHE: Well, it appears we have spawned another Great General in the field. He is named Timur, and he is also a Knight. Currently he is in Pasargardae, but he will be with the southern force after Yekaterinburg, to lead the assault against Moscow.
HATSHEPSUT: Interesting. What else?
SCYTHE: Erm . . . nothing else, my lady.
HATSHEPSUT: What? That’s it? No cities falling before the yellow tide?
SCYTHE: Erm . . . not yet, no. Next turn, perhaps.
HATSHEPSUT: You’d better, or I’ll pull out your large intestine and strangle you with it.

1420AD​

Scythe is back, looking relieved
HATSHEPSUT: I take it we have captured a city?
SCYTHE: Two, actually. In the north, Gustavus II Adolphus has taken Yaroslavl, and in the south, we have taken Yekaterinburg.
HATSHEPSUT: Double the pleasure. Twice as nice. Keep it up, Scythe.
SCYTHE: I’ll try.

1440AD​

A fairly unimportant council meeting is called
HATSHEPSUT: Alright you festering carcasses, why I am here?
AY: Behold! The Taj Mahal! At least Asoka hasn’t got this one, as he seems to have all the others.

HATSHEPSUT: It’s OK, but don’t build ANY more. Seriously. We’ll just let someone else waste the hammers and then capture it.
AY: It just isn’t the same, though.
HATSHEPSUT: Of course it’s the same; I don’t care in both cases. Have we finished Gunpowder yet?
KHALID: Last turn, I think.
HATSHEPSUT: Good! Start some Muskets.

1450AD​

Ay informs Queen Hatshepsut about the latest Apostolic Palace referendum
AY: It seems the AP is leaving you alone this time.
HATSHEPSUT: Wimps! What do they need my invaluable views on now?
AY: They propose to “Stop the war against Genghis Khan”.
HATSHEPSUT: Wars are good, and besides, it’s funny seeing Khan get hammered. Abstain again. It’s as good as voting No.
AY: Will do.

1460AD​

Scythe updates the council on the war
HATSHEPSUT: Good news, is it Scythe?
SCYTHE: Naturally, my lady. The northern army has captured the city of Rostov, and the southern force the city of Moscow. The Russians are fleeing like, erm . . . fleas.
HATSHEPSUT: Get in! Catherine will be sure to capitulate now. I’ll go and see her, rub her face in it a bit.

(3 days later, and Hatshepsut finally arrives in Alemanni, the hastily arranged Russian capital)

HATSHEPSUT: Jeez, this place is a bit small! Running out of land, Cathers?
CATHERINE: Shut up, Hatshepsut. I don’t know why you are here, apart from to annoy me.
HATSHEPSUT: Well, obviously you are ready to capitulate, being worthless, and I am ready to accept. We can get it done today, if you like, and then I can bugger off, because it’s a bit chilly round here.
CATHERINE: A great plan, with one tiny snag. Russia vill never plead mercy from such a barbarous group of villains, such is ze Egyptian Empire.
HATSHEPSUT: What?
CATHERINE: You heard, Hatshepsut. Now bugger off back to Egypt, and preferably stay zere.
HATSHEPSUT: I always knew you were a complete and utter LOON! Russia is finished.
CATHERINE: Finished negotiating vith Egypt, yes. Completely destroyed, no.
HATSHEPSUT: Not yet, at any rate.

1470AD​

Asoka meets Hatshepsut
ASOKA: Ha! Russia has chosen to become MY vassal over you, Hatshepsut.
HATSHEPSUT: WHAT? That tricky piece of shi – wait, does that mean you’re declaring war?
ASOKA: Erm . . . I suppose so, yes.
HATSHEPSUT: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU! Declaring war on ME! Man, this is gonna be a mere training exercise!
ASOKA: You won’t be saying that in a few turns time, Hatshepsut.
HATSHEPSUT: No, because then it will all be over.
ASOKA: You were going to attack India soon anyway.
HATSHEPSUT: A good point. Unfortunately for you, our pikes have better ones.
ASOKA: It will be YOUR Knights on the end of OUR, erm . . . oh bugger, spears.
HATSHEPSUT: Just go. I see Genghis is outside. Send him in.

(Asoka exits, Genghis enters)

KHAN: Go on, then.
HATSHEPSUT: What?
KHAN: What’s your answer?
HATSHEPSUT: What are you on about?
KHAN: Surely you already know what I’m asking you.
HATSHEPSUT: Well, not exactly, but the answer to whatever you want is NO. Don’t you ever learn?
KHAN: No, I’m from Mongolia. We don’t do research.
HATSHEPSUT: Fair enough.

(Genghis exits)

HATSHEPSUT: One thing; Catherine being a vassal means that Frederick has become a free state, yes?
KHALID: Indeed.
HATSHEPSUT: I’ll go and get peace with him for now, then. When we make peace with Asoka, we can come back and finish him off.

(4 days later, and Hatshepsut arrives in Frankfurt)

FREDERICK: OK, Hatshepsut, how much do you want?
HATSHEPSUT: All of it, like always.
FREDERICK: I can give you my World Map, 110 gold and 1 gold per turn.
HATSHEPSUT: Bloody hell. That’s nothing!
FREDERICK: The choice is yours.
HATSHEPSUT: Take it, I suppose. I’ll finish you off later.
FREDERICK: And goodbye to you too, Hatshepsut.

(Back in Thebes, Hatshepsut instructs Scythe)

HATSHEPSUT: Leave Russia alone for now, as its lands are pathetic anyway, and concentrate on India. Just pick off cities at random, we’ll make a plan later.
SCYTHE: My kind of war, my lady.

1490AD​

It is generally agreed to hold a meeting of the council
HATSHEPSUT: So, we meet again. Why?
KHALID: Well, firstly we are researching military techs very quickly at present. Since last time, we have added to our knowledge the arts of Optics and Chemistry.
HATSHEPSUT: Good, but there had better be more.
AY: If it is at all possible, my lady, I have a small problem which would undoubtedly be better addressed by you.
HATSHEPSUT: I agree. What’s the problem?
AY: War Weariness, my lady. The people all over the Empire are refusing to work. This is due to your many lengthy wars, the fact that Asoka owns the Statue of Zeus, your constant advancement and failure to produce enough happiness-providing buildings. I advise that we make peace, but
unfortu – I mean, the ultimate decision lies with you.
HATSHEPSUT: War Weariness? Ha! The people never doubt their queen.
AY: Well, actually your Approval Rate has fallen to less than 50%.
HATSHEPSUT: WHAT? Traitors in our midst! Order all unhappy citizens to be murdered!
AY: You can’t do that, my lady!
HATSHEPSUT: Am I not the Queen?
AY: Yes, but you can’t just order over half your population to be slaughtered. It just isn’t feasible and besides, the Ethics Committee would sue us.
HATSHEPSUT: So annoying, life today is. In that case, do nothing. We’ll cope somehow.
AY: Another stunning and perceptive decision from the fountain of wisdom that is Your Majesty.
HATSHEPSUT: Glad you thought so. Let’s end this on a high by looking at the Powergraph, shall we?
SCYTHE: Yes! That will cheer us up.

1505AD​

Genghis Khan is received in the Egyptian Palace once more
HATSHEPSUT: Bloody HELL! Will you stop annoying me, Khan?
KHAN: You know you love me really, Hatshepsut. Anyway, I have an original proposition for you today – you’ll be thrilled.
HATSHEPSUT: No you haven’t. You just want me to declare war on Qin. Since when has that been original? You ask me every other turn.
KHAN: Damn! Come on, Hatshepsut, I’m prepared to admit, I’m not totally winning this one.
HATSHEPSUT: Yeah, because Qin has captured Samarqand and Ning-hsia.
KHAN: Erm . . . yes, that is but a minor setback, though. In the long term, Qin simply cannot cope.
HATSHEPSUT: What do you classify as long term? You’ve been at war for 400 years!
KHAN: Fine, reject Mongolia once more. One day you will pay, Hatshepsut.
HATSHEPSUT: Really? Ooh, I’m getting scared now.
KHAN: Really? I’m finally getting intimidating!
HATSHEPSUT: Yes, it’s scary – how stupid you are. Goodbye, Genghis.

1510AD​

Scythe has news of the Indian war
SCYTHE: The first Indian city to fall under the wrath of Timur is Lahore!
HATSHEPSUT: Score! Keep that one.
SCYTHE: OK, but on one condition, we get to raze Calcutta.
HATSHEPSUT: Of course.
KHALID: Erm . . . where exactly is Lahore?
HATSHEPSUT: Stupid question. IN INDIA, FOOL! Well, not any more.
AY: I believe it is about four leagues north of Persepolis.
HATSHEPSUT: Really? I mean, of course it is, I knew that.

1515AD​

The war progresses slightly further
SCYTHE: A band of Knights and Macemen, opting to leave the main force and pursue glory on their own, found the city of Madras lightly defended and promptly razed it, as it was in the deserts north of Lahore.
HATSHEPSUT: I’ve always wondered what the point of founding a city there would be. It doesn’t work any land tiles, they’re all desert or mountain.
SCYTHE: Yeah, well after you conquered Persia, I suppose he had nowhere to go.
HATSHEPSUT: He could have conquered CHINA, couldn’t he? Would have saved me having to look at Qin’s ugly face every so often. Some people are so inconsiderate.
KHALID: One more thing, concerning the French, my lady.
HATSHEPSUT: Oh? What has Louis been up to?
KHALID: He has captured the city of Timbuktu back from the Barbarians.
HATSHEPSUT: Fair play. I don’t give a crap about Africa, other than Thebes. Louis can have it as his hunting ground.
AY: Very generous of you, I’m sure.

1520AD​

The war continues
SCYTHE: Remember those few Knights and Macemen that razed Madras, my lady?
HATSHEPSUT: It wasn’t so long ago.
SCYTHE: Well, I don’t, but apparently they went north-east and razed Hyderabad, as well.
HATSHEPSUT: I doubt Northern India is very well defended, being the s**thole that it is. Mind you, Southern India is probably just as weak! Ha!
SCYTHE: Also, we scored another goal against the Russians. Gustavus II Adolphus led his forces in the capture of Yakutsk.
HATSHEPSUT: I’m almost losing track of all these cities.
AY: I believe Yakutsk is about six leagues east of Moscow.
HATSHEPSUT: I don’t really care. Just keep on going.

The council meet yet again
HATSHEPSUT: First of, I’d just like to say that I am finally up for election against some other loser in the Apostolic Palace! And about time too.
AY: You voted for yourself?
HATSHEPSUT: Naturally, Ay, naturally. It’s not SO bigheaded, everyone else does it.
AY: I could never accuse you of being bigheaded, my lady.
HATSHEPSUT: Anyway, I hear you have been busy again, Scythe?
SCYTHE: Timur and his lads razed Calcutta yesterday, just like they planned.
HATSHEPSUT: Get in! Asoka is getting crushed!
SCYTHE: Oh, and now would be a good time to stop and regroup, before making an attempt on the Indian heartland. The southern force can build up in Susa, and meanwhile I thought that Gustavus could take his lads west again and crush Frederick, before coming back and pushing east.
HATSHEPSUT: Fair enough. Wiping out Frederick should be fun. I’ll bugger off to India then, sue Asoka for everything. I hope the Indians are rich.

(5 days later, and Hatshepsut meets with Asoka in Delhi, the Indian capital)

ASOKA: Greetings, fair Hatshepsut! It is an honour to bask once more in your radiance and wisdom! I kneel . . .
HATSHEPSUT: Shut up, I’ve come for peace, so you can stop all that crap.
ASOKA: Oh, well in that case, I offer Drama, Music, my World Map and 60 Gold to the puny Egyptians for peace.
HATSHEPSUT: Done, and goodbye!

(Hatshepsut returns to Thebes)

HATSHEPSUT: Well, that was quick and painless.
AY: My lady, we have finished Astronomy also.
HATSHEPSUT: Start on whatever. I don’t mind any more, but make sure we get Rifling soon. Rifles will sure kick the hell out of Qin when I turn on him.

1545AD​

Hatshepsut is bothered by technology advances
AY: We have finished research on Economics, my lady.
HATSHEPSUT: WHAT? Did I SAY research Economics?
AY: Erm . . . yeah, I mean I think so.
HATSHEPSUT: Oh. In that case, top decision. It allows Free Market. That must have . . . I mean, was my plan, so stop doubting me Ay. I KNOW what I’m doing.
AY: My loyalty never wavers.