Historical Joke Thread

This is a joke thread about jokes with historical background. Since these jokes are perhaps to be explained to lough, I decided to post it in the history forum. Everyone can post here so much jokes he wants. No limits. Feel free . Also: Not under the belt line, I mean if someone could be hurt.

Adler

Ok, I'll start with two:

"The English hated Napoleon so much they were ready to fight him to the last Prussian"

At a dinner, the English ambassador met with Surcouf, the French privateer, and said "You French scum fight for gold, the English fight for honnor", and Surcouf answered "A man always fight better for what he lacks the most"

A first joke:
Gott erhalte Adolf Hitler,
Gott erhalte Joseph Goebbels,
Gott erhalte Ernst Röhm (schon erhalten 1934).

A remark: In German erhalten can mean both to conserve and to keep. Here everything is meant as to keep. This is a whisper joke. Otherwise you could in these times lost your head. In the full meaning of the word!

Another:

Lieber Gott, bitte mach mich blind,
daß ich Goebbels arisch find.
(Oh Lord blind me to recognize Goebbels as Aryan.)

From the other extreme of policy:

In a village in Siberia all people came together to hear the Great Leader, Josef Stalin. Uncle Joe speaks. He is in his best, when suddenly someone is sneezing very loud. "Hatschie!" "Who was that?!?" Stalin ask. All are silent and nothing happens. "Okay, first row out of the room and all are at once shot!" he orders. The people are brought out of the room and the knattering of MGs is heard.
Uncle Joe continues and tries finding his best again. When he is just back- "Hatschie". Stalin is now even more furious. "Who was that?!!??!?" Again nothing happens. "Okay, the second row is to be shot!" Stalin orders. Again the people are shot and only the MGs are to hear.
Stalin however continues again. He is again on his peak when for a third time- "Hatschie!" Stalin asks again. "Who was that???!!!???!?" This time an old man in the last row rises up and says he is sorry but he has the flu. Stalin at once goes to him and says:
"Gesundheit (bless you), towarisht!" and shakes him the hand.

Adler

You'll like this one, Adler:

Three men, an old one, a middle-aged one and a young one are riding on a train somewhere in West Germany in the fifties. They stare at each other for a long time. Eventually, the young man says:
"Don't look at me that way. I was in Stalingrad. I was in the Ardennes. I got the Iron Cross!"
The middle-aged man replies:
"Nice. I was at Verdun and Ypres. I was in the last unit to be pulled out from both. I got the Ritterkreuz!"
The old man says:
"Sweet. I was at Sedan and the siege of Paris. I ain't got no bloody medal, but we won the 'kin war!"

Nice one, Stefan.

"Sweet. I was at Sedan and the siege of Paris. I ain't got no bloody medal, but we won the 'kin war!"

Click to expand...

Excellent

I don't really know that many jokes, just lots of annecdotes. Both grandfathers however taught me one when I was little that went:

When the Germans bomb, the British dive for cover
When the British bomb, the Germans dive for cover
But when the Americans bomb everyone dives for cover.

Nice idea !

Although... not sure if I have many "jokes" (especially that could be translated) I have a few funny historical stories, are these ok ?
BTW Steph : I love yours. Knew them once but...

OK it is happening after the battle of Carrhae where Surena annihilated Crassus' forces. The king of Parthians was then visiting the king of Armenia and both were watching the play "Bacchants" by Euripides comparing Western morality to Eastern barbarism. Then a messenger came to announce the good news and threw the head of Crassus on the stage !
The legend might have arranged a few things, it is nevertheless an interesting "coup de theatre".

Of the same kind (so I don't know if it fits but...) :

The US civil war was the first war the Americans had seen for a while (the one with Mexico and the ones with Indians seemed remote). When the war started, many thought it would be nice to watch it like a medieval turnament.
For the battle of Bull Run many people from the town came to see the show and the easy victory of their side (the Union).
Things turned out pretty ugly for the North though and from viewers the civilians became actors in the following retreat.

Talking about historical stories:

Winston Churchill was once informed by his butler that French President Charles de Gaulle wanted to speak with him on the telephone. Churchill, in the middle of eating a bowl of soup, refused to take the call. DeGaulle persisted, however, and Churchill was eventually persuaded to abandon his meal. When he returned to the table, his soup was cold but Churchill himself was simmering with rage. "Bloody de Gaulle! He had the impertinence to tell me that the French regard him as the reincarnation of Joan of Arc," he cried. "I found it necessary to remind him that we had to burn the first one!"

Good old Churchill, for all his flaws he could still be very funny

These are great! Keep 'em coming. I can't think of any right now but I'm sure I can dig something up from the 'regular' joke repetoire.

I'm sure you all heard this play on words in high school history class, but I think it's still funny.

When confronted by the striking similarities between the Persian and Mede civilizations, somebody once remarked "one man's Mede is another man's Persian".

Another one about Churchill and De Gaulle. It was for the 11th of November 1940 ceremonies.
De Gaulle was there early, with his old worned uniformed (it was just a few month after the defeat of June 1940, so his status was not so good yet).
And Churchill was late...
After a while, he arrived, with very flashy clothes : two colors shoes, silver cane, white vest, etc.
So De Gaulle muttered : "He could sober, it's not London Carnival", and Churchill answered "Not everyone can dress as the unknown soldier"

The Italian war flag of ww2 was a white cross on white ground.

The three thinnest books of the world: Good eating in England, American Cultural History and the book of the Italian war heroes.

Nixon and Breshnev are frozen. After 20 years they are revitalised. Both demand a newspaper at once to get to know wha happened. Breshnew is the first to read. He suddenly loughs loudly. Nixon does not know why and reads himself: The People´s own car factory of Detroit say they accomplished their plan three month before the end. America is communistic. But then he reads further and suddenly loughs even louder. This time Breshnew doesn´t know why and he has to read the newspaper again: Heavy shootings at the German- Chinese border at Tilsit. Dawn of a new world war? Germany is reunited but also the Soviets are under Chinese control.

The last joke has to be explained in so far as the Chinese were in Russian eyes at least in that time also a huge threat.

Adler

P.S.: Stefan the orders should be Ritterkreuz in ww2 and Pour le mérite in ww1 .

In Heavens, St Peter summons Hitler from Hell and tell him you have spent already 50 years in Hell, you are allowed one day of vacation to visit Earth as a spirit.

1 day later, Hilter comes back and say "please send me back to Hell! I cannot stand my vacation! Now, the Germans are making trade, and the Jews war!"

German HQ Joke:

- "Commander, Italians have declared war!"
- "Very well send 10 divisions to fight them...."
- "I'm sorry to jump in, but Italy declared war on our side..."
- "Damn, now we have to send 20 division to help them!"

13th century....
Advertisment on a site:
"We welcome you for an excursion on the "Golden Ring" of Russia"
Teutonic Knights:
"Wonderfull trip! Great lakes. Thank you Alexander Nevsky!"
For all the Knights signed by Carl and Yohan (those that were lying like bricks in the "oboz"*)

Year 1941
Advertisment on a site:
"We welcome you for an excursion on the "Golden Ring" of Russia"
year 1942
Hitler: "Stuck on the 9th level!!! Has anyone been/advanced further?!!!
Stalin @Hitler: Idiot! Read the guest book from the start!
Year 1945
Hitler: Read the guest book from the start. Great excusrion, great people. Thank you for walking me home. Will buy Potassium cyanide. REALLY NEEDED!

*"Oboz" (rus) - military transport (unit)....

Some Russian political jokes:

Joke contest at the eve of Lenin's 100 birthday:
3-d prize - 3 years in jail
2-d prize - 7 years in jail + a 5 year vacation in Siberia.
1-st prize - a meeting with the jubileer.

What is a bream?
-A whale that managed to swim to communism.

A speaker tells his listeners, "The communist ideal is already on the horizon."
The audience wonders quietly, "What IS a horizon?"
-Answer: an imaginary line where the sky comes together with the earth; it moves off when you try to get closer.

"I disagree with the communists only on the agrarian issues," said Rabinowich. "They want me to lie in the ground, which is precisely what I want them to do."

Brezhnev asks the Pope
- Why do people believe in your paradise in heaven, but refuse to believe in the communist paradise?
- That's because we never show ours, says the Pope.

Stalin rises from the dead. Gorbachev offers him his position. Stalin: "First of all, we'll hang Yeltsin and next we'll paint the Kremlin green." Somebody asks: "Why green?" Stalin: "Good, I didn't think there would be any objections with regard to my first proposal."

The night before the opening of a statue of Lenin, the head of the statue is stolen. A new head is searched for in great haste. When the statue is opened, people start to laugh. Why? - this Lenin has two hats: one on his head and the other in his hand

Stalin visits a class in school. After an inspiring speech he asks if there are any questions...
One student gets up.
"My name is Vasily. I have 3 questions:
"Why is our country disrespecting human rights?"
"Why are people getting sent to Gulag?"
"Why people are more and more opressed every day?"
Stalin begins to sweat, but suddenly a bell rings.
After the break students come back
"Does anyone have any questions?"
"My name is Vovochka and I have 5 questions:
"Why is our country disrespecting human rights?"
"Why are people getting sent to Gulag?"
"Why people are more and more opressed every day?"
"Why did the bell ring 15 minutes earlier?"
"Where is Vasily?"

Seemed to dumb to post it, but its a nice idea anyway:
http://www.zenhex.com/jokes.php?joke=7117

It is hard to know whether it is true or not but the legend says that when Hitler invaded the SU (in 1941), Stalin was so shocked and puzzled he completely lost his thinking and kept on asking what country he could ally with. A staff member then said, well, except for the Vatican nearly everybody is already part of this war.
To that Stalin answered : good, the Vatican, how many divisions ?