Syterion
Voodoo Economist
I'm applying to college, and I think the essay could make it or break it, since I'm probably similar to a ton of applicants. Any advice is welcome. BTW, the essay is about 35 words too long, so anything you think I could get rid of or streamline would also be useful. And lastly, don't fill this thread with sympathy posts.
Here it is:
It was a wintry afternoon in second grade. I was doing multiplication tables at my desk when my mother and my sister entered the room. Startled, the teacher walked over and my mother whispered in her ear. My mother pulled me out of my chair and we left the room. Confusion clouded my thoughts until I saw the books in my mother’s hands. I asked, “Who’s dead? Is it Daddy? Is Daddy dead?”
I was right.
My father died in his sleep when I was seven years old. He was an alcoholic and his liver just could not take further abuse. Following my father being subpoenaed with another charge of Driving Under the Influence, my mother received full custody of my sister and me right after I was born. Since then, my mother has taken care of both my sister and me all the while maintaining a job.
Following my father’s death, my thoughts were paralyzed. I could not form a cohesive opinion of the event. I did not hate him for abandoning his family for his addiction, but I did not have any love for him. I never really knew my father. My only interaction with him was in brief conversations over the phone and during awkward weekend visits. People have told me I look like him, and that I inherited his intelligence and penchant for mischief, but also his vices of laziness, procrastination, and lack of willpower. Unable to cope with the tragedy, I expunged thoughts of my father from my mind completely.
But I had to deal with the matter at some point in my life. The issue was forced upon me suddenly in middle school, when in an argument with my mother over my declining grades my mother said, “You’re just like your father.” I was stunned. Was my laziness a result of my genes, was I doomed by my heritage to live out my father’s life? I was genuinely fearful that my fate in life was immutable; that my potential would be for naught, just as it was with my father.
That day I decided I would never make the mistakes my father did. I witnessed firsthand the effects of losing a parent. I saw the strain it put on my mother, causing terrible migraines weekly. I saw how it robbed my sister of her childhood, as the onus of controlling me was immediately thrust on her. I saw how an addiction forced even a person with great potential to succumb until he had lost his job, his family, and his life. From then on I was adamant that I would succeed where he had failed, that I would fight on where he had given up, and that I would reach my potential where he had faltered.
While I can never forgive my father for losing the battle to alcoholism, I can make peace with it. Though I can never give my mother back the years she sacrificed for her children or give my sister back her childhood, I can promise them that I will always be there for them. My father’s death traumatized me for years, but in the end has given me strength for life.
Thanks in advance. I'm sure a group of people who don't know me will be most discerning.
Here it is:
It was a wintry afternoon in second grade. I was doing multiplication tables at my desk when my mother and my sister entered the room. Startled, the teacher walked over and my mother whispered in her ear. My mother pulled me out of my chair and we left the room. Confusion clouded my thoughts until I saw the books in my mother’s hands. I asked, “Who’s dead? Is it Daddy? Is Daddy dead?”
I was right.
My father died in his sleep when I was seven years old. He was an alcoholic and his liver just could not take further abuse. Following my father being subpoenaed with another charge of Driving Under the Influence, my mother received full custody of my sister and me right after I was born. Since then, my mother has taken care of both my sister and me all the while maintaining a job.
Following my father’s death, my thoughts were paralyzed. I could not form a cohesive opinion of the event. I did not hate him for abandoning his family for his addiction, but I did not have any love for him. I never really knew my father. My only interaction with him was in brief conversations over the phone and during awkward weekend visits. People have told me I look like him, and that I inherited his intelligence and penchant for mischief, but also his vices of laziness, procrastination, and lack of willpower. Unable to cope with the tragedy, I expunged thoughts of my father from my mind completely.
But I had to deal with the matter at some point in my life. The issue was forced upon me suddenly in middle school, when in an argument with my mother over my declining grades my mother said, “You’re just like your father.” I was stunned. Was my laziness a result of my genes, was I doomed by my heritage to live out my father’s life? I was genuinely fearful that my fate in life was immutable; that my potential would be for naught, just as it was with my father.
That day I decided I would never make the mistakes my father did. I witnessed firsthand the effects of losing a parent. I saw the strain it put on my mother, causing terrible migraines weekly. I saw how it robbed my sister of her childhood, as the onus of controlling me was immediately thrust on her. I saw how an addiction forced even a person with great potential to succumb until he had lost his job, his family, and his life. From then on I was adamant that I would succeed where he had failed, that I would fight on where he had given up, and that I would reach my potential where he had faltered.
While I can never forgive my father for losing the battle to alcoholism, I can make peace with it. Though I can never give my mother back the years she sacrificed for her children or give my sister back her childhood, I can promise them that I will always be there for them. My father’s death traumatized me for years, but in the end has given me strength for life.
Thanks in advance. I'm sure a group of people who don't know me will be most discerning.
