Splash, Splash, Splash: Pokemon Fire Red AAR

“Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.”

The story of my life begins very simply in the Kanto region. Once an overpopulated metropolis it is now a thinly populated, radioactive dump where animals have evolved and mutated into some of the most insane things ever. Pallet Town is my home, one of two families live here. The poorer family is ofcourse mine while the rich jerks across the street are Welsh and live off the success of their grandfather Oak. My name is Lucky and my journey begins here.



My worst enemy and long time rival, the only other boy in town and coincidentally the same age, Owen Glyndwr. He is of the Welsh family I spoke of and is a total doucher.



I'm minding my own business playing my NES, yes my NES, my family is so poor I am using 80's gaming technology, and my loud mouth mother tells me to go outside and fetch her some milk from up the way in Viridian City. I promptly tell her to shut her fat mouth but then do it anyway after she gives me a couple bucks for cigarettes. The smoking age in Kanto being 10.



So I start to make my way up the road but NO mister smart pants Oak comes out and tells me something I already knew then says he has a Pokemon for me.



I later find out its just him trying to clean out his lab.



So we go back to the lab and guess who I see? Owen freakin' Glyndwr. This dude is such a jerk. He even bosses his grandpa around.



Oak tells me to pick one, being the lazy guy I am I picked the closest one to me.



Seriously?! WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE THIS? You said these were your best pokemon from your trainer days you lying scumbag Welsh !@#@@$!



Owen goes over and picks one and guess what it is?



A freaking Dratini! YOU BIAS OLD MAN I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL STRANGLE YOU!



In my anger I storm out but Owen stops me.



Then he demands we force our Pokemon to fight until one of them is almost dead. Sounds abusive and awesome so I agree.



It turns out Magikarp is such a failure he just flops around. I seriously feel like burning this lab to the ground.



Dratini, ofcourse, is a beast and can destroy Magikarp with ease. Owen you are such a douche.



Magikarp faints even though I pray he dies.



Owen taunts me like normal and storms out to become even more powerful so he can crush my dreams at a later date no doubt.



...and insults both me and the old man. What a great way to start the day.



I'll probably have to prove I'm better than him now or something.


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Chapter 2: FFFFFFFUUUUUUU OWEN


So I'm like yeah lame I have a Magikarp, but my mom says I still have to go get stuff for her from Viridian so I go up there. Meet this guy half way and he's like, dog I got this underground stuff for your pokemon. I get it.



Rattata jumps me in the grass, we escape.



I get up there to the Poke Mart and this guy has the nerve to tell me what to do. Take this parcel? Whats a parcel anyway? I just want milk and smokes but he refuses me service until I return the parcel of Professor Bias Welsh.



So I got back down to Pallet Town, yeah I hate this place too. I go in to meet with Oak and give him this parcel, which is a pokeball of some sort. Not only that but he mocks me.



He takes the parcel just as the door opens behind me.



Oh great this room totally needed more douchey Welsh in it. Owen shows up and is all in my face about how awesome he is.



Oak then gives me a toy computer. I already have a cell phone dude WTH.



and some free pokeballs which is pretty cool of him actually.



Owen then insults me some more, like always, and tells me not to bother getting a town map from his sister cause she won't give me one.



She gave me one because I'm her f'ing Romeo.



Then I use Magikarp as a distraction and bash a Rattata on the head with a pokeball. I have a new slave animal! Hell yeah!



I'm coming for you Owen McWelshfag!

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Chapter 3: Annoying Bugcather

So I finally had another, more useful but barely, pokemon to use against the hordes of wild animals and Welshfags attacking me for no reason. After barely fighting off a few birds and rats I come to this Pokemon Center in Viridian to get them healed up, cause I care. Then at the end the Nurse, who is way too joyful, said she hopes I come back. DO YOU WANT MY POKEMON TO GET HURT? WHERE DID YOU GO TO NURSING SCHOOL?



Still confused and angered by the nurse I see a shiny pokeball behind a bush, but for some reason I just can't figure out how to get around it. This frustrates me for a good five hours.



I then get word that Owen headed to Pewter City to become even better than me and I realized I forgot to get the milk for mom. So I can't exactly go home so why not just go to Pewter? On the way I get a use for those free pokeballs and my little rat, bird, fish team become noticeably better at murdering enemies. The team is now five strong.





As I try to find my way through this unrealistically layed out natural forest I figure out that some of the guys in this place are bandits trying to kill my pokemon and take my money. So I meet a young lad by the name of Cull and he challenges me to a battle. I agree.



He is easily defeated by my rat and without his pokemon I can easily bully this kid with my fists and take his money. That doesn't deter him from challenging me four more times before I make it to Pewter City though.



In Pewter I make it to the pokemon center and have my pokemon cured of various poisonings and ailments. Magikarp is still useless but is a good meat shield for the rat and bird. A guy in the center tells me that a young man came through earlier with frosted tips and and too many consonants for one person. Said he had just beat the gym leader and had moved on. I knew exactly where I must go next.



Kentharu the Rock Solid Brother. Sounds fun.


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Chapter 4: A Real Solid Brother


Knowing my destiny to be better than Owen and never go home to mom I decide to step into the gym. Upon entering I see two black trainers. The first one goes by Nutranurse and the second on his boulder throne is the real rock-solid brother Kentharu.



I attempt to challenge Kentharu directly but Nutranurse stops me demanding I prove myself by crushing his team.



Magikarp flops onto the battlefield and we begin the ultimate team strategy. Calling in Weedle I poison the Geodude and use Magikarp and Rattata as tanks to drag him down. This works. TAKE THAT OWEN!




The second pokemon he brings out is a Sandshrew, but for some reason it immediately surrenders to my battle hardened Caterpie.



I then approach Kentharu who mocks me. I'm already sick of all the rude people in this world and I haven't even gone very far.



Despite this, he was 100% correct, and he smashed through my team with ease. Magikarp flopped around for a good 30 minutes before Geodude could hit him though.



After leaving the PokeCenter I find a man playing games in the town forum (forum games) and he too insults me. Claiming all the real Pokemon trainers are where he's from.



I will work without rest to make sure my pokemon become ruthless killers, even if it kills them.

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