Diary of a New(b) God

Alpha Centauri University, Fall Semester 4001 AD

Good Morning Class, I am Professor Yahzuk and welcome to History 211 – Ancient Egypt. I am quite new here, a noob, as many of you would say, but very excited to be here nontheless. I was inspired to take this position after reading the incredible papers by Lemmy, Nanothegreat, Therat and many others. I wanted to give something back to the community and decided what better way than to document my first observation of a ‘diety level civilization’.

Although a noob, I am not completely devoid of qualifications, having seen an American settler dominate Catherine of Russia, a Siamese chieftain become president of the United Nations, a Brittish Warlord become a cultural superpower, and a French Prince build a great spaceship.

In this class, we will be examining a historical artifact, the diary of Ramesses II, the self-proclaimed god of Egypt. Today, of course, we all know about the exceedingly rare birth defect which affects an infinitesimally small part of the population, giving them an incredible lifespan numbering of thousands years. Several thousand years ago, however, no one understood what these people were, and naturally they all interpreted their abilities in different ways. It should not be surprising, given this advantage, that so many of these people rose to positions of great power.
Ramesses II was one such individual and he believed himself to be a god. I know, I know, 'preposterous!' you all say. And you are probably right, but Ramesses believed himself to be a god and went on to found the Egyptian empire, keeping a detailed diary along the way. Exactly why Ramesses though a god should keep a diary or who he thought he might possibly read it, will probably never be known to us. But it gives as a fascinating glimpse into the mind of this… this very unusual individual.

So Ramesses found himself upon a huge world surrounded by many other great empires and lesser city-states. Incidentally, their leaders are all believed to have the same rare birth defect as Ramesses, although there is no way to confirm that now. Now Ramesses was a new “god”, to be sure. Inexperienced, and without question wholly unprepared to handle the situation in which he now found himself. Well, perhaps not wholly unprepared, for he was armed with one thing; an unshakeable conviction in his own greatness as a god.

But enough of my blathering on, let us now examine the ancient text itself: the Diary of Ramesses II.

-Professor Yahzuk



Sorry, sorry, one final note. As I am new to this and it is an intensive course, I will apologize up front that I probably will not be able to keep the pace many of you are accustomed to. Sorry, it cannot be helped. So now, Ramesses: the man, the god, the legend, the ego!

SETTINGS:
Difficulty: Deity
Map Size: Huge
Map Type: Pangaea
Number of AI Civs: 19 (Everybody including Babylon and Mongolia)
Number of City States: 28 (max it would allow)
All other settings: Default

Dear Diary,

I became a god today! I’ve no idea how it happened, but I’m sure I’ve never been a god before. Its all so exciting and wonderful. I like this place – it’s huge and it still has that new world smell to it. Very cloudy, though. Perhaps it will rain. It’s great to be a god, and surely I am great at being a god.

-Ramesses

Dear Diary,

This is boring. I’ve been godding around for ages and nothing is happening. Something is wrong. I’m pretty great and everybody knows it. But nobody knows it because there’s nobody here except me. So I’ll just find some people, and I’ll tell them I’m a god and then they’ll know I’m pretty great, and then I’ll teach them to build a whole culture around knowing just how great I am. And I’ll send some of them out to meet other people and they’ll see this culture of my greatness and then they’ll know I’m great too. In no time at all everybody will know just how great I am and nobody will stop talking about me. Ever! Why, I bet the whole thing couldn’t possible take more than a few thousand years, and then everyone will agree that I am pretty great.

-Ramesses

Number of AI Civs: 19 (Everybody including Babylon and Mongolia)

Click to expand...

actually if you include babylon and mongolia you will be missing one civ (18 with vanilla + 2)

19 AI Civs + Me = 20

Dear Diary,

I found my first people today! I told them I was a god and that I was pretty great. Naturally, they believed me immediately. Everything went according to plan, although I’ve got this nagging suspicion they might not have been the brightest lot. There were eight of them, and they all just stood about staring at this bull swishing his tail. A dozen or so of their comrades were standing upon a hill. This group had some sticks and stones, and were staring at a flock of sheep. A second flock stood nearby, although thankfully no one was staring at them yet.



I waited a bit to see if they would do anything, but they just continued to stand there staring so I introduced myself.



They were suitably impressed and stood there in stunned silence and awe. Finally, I just had to ask why they all stood there staring at these poor animals. They timidly replied that the gently swishing of the bull’s tail and the occasional bleating of sheep made them happy, and frankly they didn’t really know what else to do anyway.

So I declared them my chosen people, and told them that I would provide for their happiness, and in return they would build a culture dedicated to appreciating my greatness. From there, it became a very long day. My chosen people are helpless as children. They are lucky to have me to guide them. I helped them to found a city and it was a great city and we called it Thebes.

I instructed the men with sticks and stones to go to the old city across the lake and try to meet some new people. They asked if they may break their bones, and I told them no, although they were free to hurt them with some harsh words if it really came to that. I can tell I’m going to have to keep these guys on a short leash, so I ordered the training a new group of fellows who could go out and explore at length. They would carry sticks but no stones and wouldn’t feel so greatly tempted to hit all of our friends and neighbors.

I asked my people what they wanted to study first and they were pretty keen on the idea of learning how to put animals in pens. I just knew this could only lead to more standing around staring at sheep and decided to they should study pottery instead. “You must put your food into containers so you don’t have to look at it all the time and it won’t become a distraction to you.’ They were disappointed, but admitted they were all pretty happy as far as new empires go, and everyone agreed that I am pretty great.

-Ramesses

19 AI Civs + Me = 20

Click to expand...

stupid me

Dear Diary,

The old city across the lake turned out to be abandoned, and it must have been shoddily constructed becuase it crumbled into dust as soon as my warriors explored it. Fortunately someone named Barbara or something left behind a note with the location of two other cities. I ordered the warriors to meet our new neighbors at once!



Along the way, the warriors found another abandoned city. In it they found some sticks with much smaller, pointier stones on the ends, and this saddened them because the pointy sticks weren’t nearly as good for hitting people as their sticks and stones had been. I explained the pointy tips were good for cutting and stabbing, and boy did their faces light up when they heard that.

They met the warriors of Barbara and told them of my greatness. Despite being a dirty backwards people who lived within a circle of sticks, the Barbarians were unconvinced of my greatness. Barbara herself would not grant an audience and this upset me. My warriors wanted to try out their new pointy-sticks but I directed them away. “It never right to attack people,” I explained, “unless they have attacked you first. Or if they’re in your way. Or if they have something you want but won’t give it to you. Or if I just really don’t like them, but otherwise it is never ever right to attack people.” I told them to keep exploring, and they were disappointed, but still the people of Egypt were pretty happy and everyone agreed again that I am pretty great.

-Ramesses

Dear Diary,

We have new neighbors! There is a small city state called Oslo to our South. They are a friendly maritime people. They have no leader to speak of, and of course my warriors told them how great I was and suggested they adopt me as their leader. They were unconvinced but listened respectfully and offered us a tribute of 30 gold pieces, which pleased me. I will do what I can to help these non-believers and in time they will love me as much as my own people. They had better, anyway, or I will send the pointy-stick boys back to cut them into shreds and simply make them my own people.

But it is no wonder the Oslons are skeptical towards me since my own people have yet to build any tributes to my greatness. I tell them to do that at once, since they have just finished training my new scout. “Build for me the most impressive monument you can think of,” I commanded. They decided on a tall pillar with a bit of a pointy tip. Not the most creative people, these Thebians. I doubt I would have even gotten the pointy tip if not for the discovery of those silly sticks in the old city. My people were unimaginative, but still pretty happy and everyone agreed that I am pretty great.

-Ramesses

Dear Diary,



Happy birthday baby Thebite! I order a day of celebration as the first new citizen is born in Thebes. My people are less enthused and say that too much celebration is what caused this baby in the first place. I am so happy that my empire is growing, why aren’t my people as pleased as I am? Perhaps they don’t like changing the stinky diapers. I do not offer to help because I’m a god.



My scouts meet the other stick village, but Barbara doesn’t seem to be home there either and the pointy stick boys spot another old city. Living there are some dirty hoboes, so naturally the pointy stick boys direct them straight back to our fair city. The Thebians take them in but aren’t happy about it, because the hoboes smell worse than the diapers. My great city of Thebes is growing quickly, and my people are happy, although not quite as happy as before, but everyone continued to agree that I am pretty great, especially the hoboes.

-Ramesses

Dear Diary,


My people have mastered pottery and are all quite proud of themselves. “It only took 440 years! “ I thunder at them. “What’s a year?” they ask me innocently, “will you teach us that next?” I guess I have to now. I feel badly for yelling at them.

My scouts meet some Aztecs and tell them how great I am. Their leader is also great, and he makes sure everyone knows it by calling himself, Montezuma the Great. Why didn’t I think of that? I invite him to cooperate with me in a pact of greatness but he declines.

The pointy-stick boys meet a scout from a people called Chinese. They share news of my greatness, but the Chinese empress Wu Zetian just wants to be left alone. “Very well,” says I, “do not settle any cities near us and we will leave you in peace.” Wu-Ze laughs, and tells me to brush up my diplomacy. Worry not, Empress, I shall have my pointy-stick ambassadors sharpen their skills at once. The pointy-sticks search for the Chinese city, to be diplomatic with it, but stumble upon another old city instead, and find 95 gold coins inside.



Soon my people’s first tribute to me is complete, its pointy tip pointedly and poignantly portraying my greatness to all who gaze upon it. My people are happy, although not as happy as they once were, and everyone agreed that I am pretty great, and I even have a monument to prove it.

-Ramesses

Good read so far GL!

Dear Diary,

As the smell of soiled baby diapers wafted through our great city of Thebes, it became clear we did not have anyone to dispose of them. I certainly wasn’t going to do it, because I’m a god. So I ordered the Thebians to begin training some workers, whom we could force to do all the unpleasant things that nobody else wanted to do.

Everyone liked this idea, and I realized that the Egyptian’s culture of loving me and grown to point that they were ready to hear my first great commandment.

COMMANDMENT 1: You shall adopt a tradition of feeding the hungry so that all may have enough to eat and our great city of Thebes will flourish and grow.


My people liked this commandment, especially the hoboes, who never turn away a free meal, although no one seemed as excited as I was about flourishing and growing. But they were still pretty happy as long as they didn’t think about how happy they were before the babies and the hoboes, and of course everyone agreed that I am pretty great.

-Ramesses

Dear Diary,

The point-stick boys are making all kinds of new friends! First, they discovered the city state of Bucharest, a friendly cultured people who listened politely to tales of my greateness then offered a tribute, but not as big a tribute as the Oslons. This pleased me, although not as much as the Oslons pleased me and I shall do what I can to help the Bucharettes, although not as much as I will do to help the Oslons.

Then they meet Askia of Songhai and we warmly welcomed his message of peace to all. But then, then they meet Napoleon who rode on a horse. Suddenly everyone in Egypt was talking about the marvelous Frenchman who rode on the backs of horses.


All I hear now are cries of “Teach us to ride on the backs of horses, Ramesses!” I tell them to finish the calendar first. “But can’t we just forget about the calendar and learn about the horseys now, Ramesses?” they moan. It took them 440 years to figure out a clay pot, clearly they can only focus on one thing at time! ”But when will that be, Ramesses?” they whine. “At the rate you’re going, another couple hundred years.” I answer, and then they really set me off asking ”What is a year, Ramesses?”
“A YEAR” I thunder “IS EXACTLY THE REASON YOU ARE GOING TO FINISH THE CALENDAR FIRST, BECAUSE I REFUSE TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION A THIRD TIME!”

Soon stinking Napoleon seeks a pact of cooperation and I agree in the hopes my people will stop babbling on about his horse. My people are happy, although probably not as happy as they’d be if they each had a pony and everyone agreed that I am pretty great.

-Ramesses

Dear Diary,

The pointy stick boys have meet Lord Augustus Caesar of Rome. He is honored by my presence, as well he should be, for I am pretty great. In the spirit of cooperation, I agree to share open border with France.


And then visitor named Ptolemy enters my court, bringing list of the world’s most literate people. “The French are the most literate people in the world”, he says, “even Napoleon’s horse can read.”

“Bloody Napoleon and his bloody horse. Who’s next?” I ask. “I can’t tell you”, he smirks “you haven’t met them yet.” “And third?” “Can’t tell you?” “Fourth?” “Sorry”

“Get on with it!” I demand “where are we on your silly list?” “At the bottom!” Ptolemy sneers “The Egyptians are the least literate people in the entire world! And by a wide margin too!”


I fume. “Be gone from my empire at once!” “Ha!” says Ptolemy, “it is my duty to share this list with all your people”

At this I leap up and cut out his tongue. “Feel free to show it to everyone on your way out!”

Not knowing what else to do with the tongue, I stick it in a clay jar, because we’ve got plenty of those lying about. For some reason the notion of sticking body parts in jars seems to delight my people. I really hope this doesn’t become a thing…..

More babies are born in Thebes, which only further decreases our literacy because everyone knows that babies can’t read. Happiness also takes another hit as there are now more stinky diapers and still no workers to clean them up. Ignorance is bliss, so my people are happy because they don’t know they’re dumber than Napoleon’s horse and everyone agreed that I am pretty great, even Caeser.

-Ramesses

Sorry for the interruption class, but at this point I feel obliged to mention that although Ramesses now hungered for demographics regarding how Egypt compared to the rest of the world in all manner of things, he dind't know how to survey people he hadn't met yet. So for the time being, he was forced to rely on the information brought to him by wandering list makers, none of whom were all to eager to approach his court after he cut out Ptolemy's Ptongue. So of course, Ramesses remained unshaken in his conviction that he was pretty great. Now back to the text!

-Professor Yahzuk

Nice job. Keep up the great work

Dear Diary,

My people have figured out the calendar and I can finally explain to them just how long it’s been taking for them to accomplish anything. They are appropriately ashamed, and I keep my word and let them learn about animals next.


After making such a stink earlier about staying away from her, WuZe wants to enter our borders. Denied! She proceeds to brag that she is much smarter than us and has just entered the classical era. The pointy stick boys are still waiting to sharpen their diplomacy skills, as soon as they manage to find the Chinese city, that is. In the meantime, they meet Gandhi the Great. I welcome his offer of peace, but remember from my dealings with Montezuma that his greatness may be only in name.


They also discover that the French have pointy-sticks too, although they call them spears. They also have two cities, so now my people want another city. Bloody Napoleon probably built a city just for his bloody horse.


We learn that someone in some far away land has built a great library, but none of my people care because they can’t read anyway. So my people are happy, although they point out that they are the least happy they’ve ever been, and everyone agreed that I am still pretty great, even though my empire only had one city full of illiterate people with no horses.

-Ramesses

Very nice read, feels like Pratchett

Ptolemy's Ptongue This story is Great